You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
~ Tove Lo
Not edited!
***
Chapter eight. Still a long way to go
"OMG Leah!"
I covered my ears as soon as Lucy's shrieking voice hit my eardrums.
"Yes Lucy?" I asked in a bored tone, as I removed my hands off my ears.
"These baby clothes are just ADORBALE!" She cooed as she practically shoved a blue baby grow in my face.
I grabbed the baby grow from her, and held it so it wasn't being smothered into my face. The baby grow was nice, blue material with a theme of small white teddy bears with pink bow ties around their necks. By the looks of it, the baby grow was probably a unisex one.
"It's cute Lucy," I smiled at her, whilst putting it back on the pile.
"Well put it in the shopping cart then, you looney!" She yelled at me.
I eyed the empty card briefly before shaking my head.
"No," I said bluntly.
"Why not?"
I quickly made up a lie and told her.
"Because I want to keep looking around," thankfully she brought the lie and we continued to look around Babies R Us.
A week had passed and November was moving faster than I could blink. Every hour zoned past and every day without Leo became more unbearable. I honestly didn't know how much longer I could cope without his presence because after all he was my rock and soul, supporting me and preventing me from going weak. That was what I loved about Leo, he was always there through thick and thin, he had always supported me when we first got together and even before our second marriage.
I let my thoughts wonder as Lucy shoved a few more items of baby clothing in my face, I simply just nodded my head at whatever she was saying, not in the mood to listen to her go on and on about how cute the clothes looked.
I knew she was a lot more excited about the baby clothes than I was, I couldn't help but prefer to shop for baby clothes with Leo. It was a horrible thing to think about since Lucy had been there for me when I needed her but somehow it didn't feel right at all.
I wanted to do all the baby shopping with Leo and make it special by us arguing over which clothes or baby furniture to buy. I didn't mind having my friend arguing with me and shoving clothes at me... But it just wasn't the same.
"Leah, your miles away right now! What's going on with you? If you're craving something we can go and come back later?" Lucy questioned me. I wanted to laugh at her alarmed facial expression but at the same time I knew that would annoy her.
"I'm fine Lucy," I tried to insist.
"You really aren't, even a blind man can tell that," she disagreed.
"I'm fine-"
"No you're not!" She states accusingly, and glared at me sharply. I shrugged my shoulders and sighed heavily. What was the harm in telling her?
"Don't get offended but I just really want to do the baby shopping with Leo..." I told her, crossing my fingers that she wouldn't get pissed off with me or something like that.
I thought I had seen a flash of pain cross her face but that was soon replaced with sympathy.
"Aw sweetie, I understand totally. I just thought you might have wanted something to do today, after all you're always stuck in your house," she said pulling me in for a hug. I hugged her back which was slightly difficult because of my bump.
"Shall we go wonder around the mall and go to Starbucks?" I asked her with a knowing look.
"Damn right we should, you can help me look for some new dresses and things if you want?"
"Yeah why not?" I laughed.
Lucy linked her arm with mine and shoved the shopping cart away from us, before we both walked out of Babies R Us
Next time I'm in here, it better be with Leo, I thought to myself.
**
My stomach growled again for the twentieth time as I stood outside the changing booth that Lucy was in.
"Luce hurry up! Baby Russo is hungry!" I yelled banging on the door with my fist.
"Calm down! I'm nearly finished!" She yelled back.
For the last couple of hours or so, I had been helping Lucy try or so many dresses; this was probably her eighteenth dress and every other dress she had mixed emotions on. There were short cocktail dresses, simple strapless dresses, tight revealing dresses and I swear she even tried on a floor length dress even though that wasn't her style at all.
I had started to get a back ache from all the standing up and believe it or not there were no seats in the outside of the changing rooms, which hardly made any sense to me.
"You said that twenty minutes ago!" I yelled again, as I flopped down on the floor in front of the changing room she was in. If there were no seats to sit on, I had no choice but sit on the floor and wait for a freaking miracle (Lucy finally getting out of the claustrophobic room)
"Yeah but this time I mean it," she said as the door opened and I looked up at her. She was dressed in her normal clothes which consisted of skinny jeans, a stripy black and white jumper and her UGG boots as well as her coat and handbag.
"Finally!" I yelled out in relief, hopping back up to my feet, I had expected getting up off the floor to be so difficult but it was. Luckily Lucy had extended her hand out and helped me up.
"Thanks," I smiled warmly.
"No problem," she said as I watched her gather up all the dresses and walk out of the changing room area, leaving me to follow behind her.
As soon as Lucy went to go and pay for all her dresses I excused myself and started looking around the shop as well. They really did have nice dresses but none that were classified as maternity clothing. Honestly it was pissing me off by the amount of nice dresses shops had but yet I couldn't fit into them not even if I got the dress three time bigger because then it would just look utterly ridiculous on me. I sighed longingly once more before turning back to where Lucy was. I saw that she too was walking towards me with a numerous amount of bags in her hands, I guessed that she had brought all of the dresses she tried on but I had to admit they all did look amazing on her and that was one thing I was jealous about Lucy.
"Right let's go get something to eat," Lucy smiled sheepishly at me.
"You think?" I laughed as we linked arms and walked out of the store we were in.
We walked around the mall for a while, surrounded by tons of shops and restaurants. I wasn't too sure of what to eat since my appetite had changed a lot due to being pregnant. Sometimes I would crave strange things such as cheese and jam sandwiches (weird I know) other times I would just binge on fruit and crisps, that seemed rather normal.
My cravings were just completely bizarre to me but it was expected.
I let Lucy lead me around the mall, not really caring to look around and absorb my surroundings. We didn't talk much, but we both knew that there was really not much to talk about other than the baby, Leo or Lucy's life. Her life didn't particularly interest me although I did envy her. She led a carefree life with no strings attached relationships and just a life that I would have wanted if I had never met Leo.
Suddenly Lucy stopped walking and pulled me to a halt. My eyes widened and I stared at her with a scowl.
"What the he-"
"Shush!" she cut me off, rather quickly.
"What-"
She gestured towards the jewellery shop that was near us, and I instantly knew the reason for Lucy stopping in midtrack with no warning at all.
"Oh," I mumbled under my breath as I stared at April and Don, with a foreign emotion. The emotion must have been jealously or envy but it was definitely a lot stronger than that.
"I can't believe they're actually getting married," Lucy whispered to me, as we moved out of the way of people trying to get past us.
"I know right... Do you think I should go and talk to them?" I asked her, unlinking our arms as I faced her. She shrugged her shoulders and sighed heavily.
"It's up to you Hun, but if I was you I wouldn't even give them the time of day. After all, they're moving on with their lives and accepting the fact that Leo could get a life sentence," she said with regret in her tone.
I nodded my head and groaned loudly, and thought about the downside of going over to April and Don. They probably didn't even want to see or talk to me, since I was the wife of a murderer who just happened to 'kill' his own brother.
"I'll go and see them, after all what's the worse they can do?" I asked rhetorically as I started to walk away from Lucy.
"Good luck!" I heard her call, and I smiled to myself, she really was so supportive.
I felt small and slightly unimportant as I walked towards April and Don. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen them both, but it must have been a while back. I hadn't kept in contact with any of them at all. I didn't see a point in keeping contact with people who didn't believe that Leo was innocent although Lucy was in partial she still kind of believed he was innocent.
As soon as I reached April and Don, I wanted to turn around and run back to Lucy but I couldn't do that now.
"Erm hey," I said awkwardly. They hadn't acknowledged that I was standing there looking completely alone and also out of place. April's eyes met mine and I sensed that she was surprised and also shocked to see me.
"L-Leah er h-hey," she stuttered as her eyes widened in shock.
"Don," I said, looking at the tall guy, who had once knocked me out and forced me to get into his car, months ago.
"Leah," he said nodding his head at me.
They seemed to be just fine; there was no sign that any of them were stressed or finding it hard to cope. It also seemed that they were looking at weddings rings...
"How have you guys been?" I asked, looking at April. Her blonde hair was the same or maybe it had grown a bit longer. She was styled in the same casual but sophisticated wear that she usually wore. Her makeup was done to perfection as always, and I instantly felt like plain Jane standing near her.
"We're pretty good thanks Leah, how are you?" April asked quickly, as if she was trying to hurry up the conversation that I could see would go nowhere at all.
"Just peachy," I shrugged and looked down at my feet. I really shouldn't have gone anywhere near them, and I was starting to really regret my decision.
"Well that's good to hear," I heard Don mutter.
"Yeah I guess... Anyways it was nice seeing you guys. I better get going," I said with a sad smile as I looked up. A quick look of relief flashed upon April's face and it made me frown. Why did her facial emotions seem like she wanted to get rid of me? Why was it that they made no effort to talk to me at all?
"Bye Leah," April murmured and I took that as mu cue to walk away, feeling that I was unwanted.
I walked back to Lucy, and held back the tears. I didn't even know the reason for why tears had suddenly decided to form in my eyes, I didn't feel like crying but obviously my emotions had better ideas as well as my hormones.
Lucy gave me a sympathetic look and put her arm around me.
"Aw Hun, don't worry about them, they have no idea how much they're missing out on!" she said, clearly trying to cheer me up.
I sniffed loudly, and wiped underneath my eyes trying to avoid smudging my makeup from the rogue tears that had fallen.
"Why don't we go to that Chinese restaurant you love and go and get our nails done, it's on me," she suggested. I smiled at her attempt on making me feel better but I wasn't going to lie, it honestly wasn't making me feel any better at all.
'Wok it' the Chinese restaurant that I loved, also happened to be Leo's favourite as well and it was where we would usually order a takeaway if we couldn't be bothered to cook. Leo and I were regulars at wok it and it didn't help that we were on name basis with the manager.
"Yeah alright, I'd never turn down free sweet and sour chicken," I told Lucy putting on a very fake smile, that she thankfully didn't notice.
She nodded her head, and linked her arm back with mine before turning around to head to the car park of the mall.
*+*
I didn't go to get my nails done in the end; I suggested that Lucy should go by herself since I wasn't feeling up to getting a manicure. Well you could say that I wasn't in the mood and that I had eaten far too much Chinese food and I had blamed the baby for that. Lunch went better than I expected, I had actually had a lot of fun and I somehow managed to take my mind off seeing April and Don buying their wedding rings. I did envy them deeply, since they had each other and they were having the chance to plan their wedding like nothing was wrong. I would have given anything to plan my wedding Leo again, but it wasn't like we were still engaged. We were finally married, and I just couldn't help but wish that I had more time with the love of my life.
The movie started to play on the TV in my living room, instead of getting our nails done I had invited Lucy back to mine to watch movies and sit and eat ice cream and all that girly stuff. All I wanted was her company and nothing more, she was like the sister that I had never had, always there and always there to help and understand me.
"Though the whole Team Edward and Team Jacob thing is over, Bella should've gone with Jacob," Lucy stated firmly, as she shoved a spoon of cookie dough ice cream into her mouth.
My mouth fell open and I swear I nearly dropped the spoon I was holding in my hand. I stared at Lucy like she had three heads and a moustache as well as a monobrow. She mirrored my stare and raised one perfect eyebrow.
"You did not just say that! Bella and Edward were meant to be! Can't you see the love, that vampire has for her... its unconditional!" I disagreed all the way with her.
"As much as I love you Leah, you can be so damn annoying sometimes," Lucy chuckled as she flicked a bit of popcorn at me. I laughed at her and flicked some back.
"Well you can't say much anymore since the sagas over and yeah Jacob has Renesmee -"
"Whatever just shut your pie hole and watch the movie sugar," Lucy said in a southern accent.
"Will do ma'am," I smiled and set my eyes back on the screen.
Gosh we were honestly the weirdest girls ever.
We ended up watching the all five movies of the Twilight saga, occasionally pausing the films for toilet breaks and if we were still hungry or thirsty. The baby inside of me, had me eating so much ice cream that I genuinely thought I was going to throw up or go into an early labour (obviously that was the worst case scenario)
By time we finished watching all the films it was gone past midnight and I had offered for Lucy to stay over but she declined saying that she had things to do in the morning. And after she left, I felt cold and alone as usual.
There was nothing for me to do except go to bed and let the next day come sooner instead of later.
*+*
Sleeping alone had gotten so lonely lately. There was no one to cuddle up to, no one to hold me, no one to have a late night chat with. Sleeping alone was literally a piss take.
I had missed sleeping with Leo, not sex just sleeping. Even though he has been gone for nearly a two and a half months you would have thought I would be used to sleeping alone by now, but really I had never gotten over it. I hadn't gotten over the fact that Leo was still in prison, I hadn't gotten over the fact that no one apart from me believed he was innocent. Everything was just a dream within a dream or inception.
I still had a long way to go, if I was to adjust to the way my life was going now. It would take time but hopefully I would get used to living a life without Leo.
I rolled onto my side, and placed both of my hands onto my bump, it felt weird having something so small inside of me but it felt even weirder to be alone in bed.
I grabbed my phone from under my pillow, and turned it on. I saw that it has just gone past 11am was that it? I remembered going for a nap about 9am, I just didn't expect to actually sleep for two hours.
I had woken up really early, at 6am and I just couldn't get back to sleep. I ended up cleaning the whole house from upstairs to downstairs. I had even attempted to cut the grass in the garden but I couldn't do it. Leo always did that or he hired a gardener to maintain our garden.
Rubbing my eyes, I hopped out of bed, and grabbed my robe, and slipped my phone into one of the pockets.
I didn't bother to get changed when I woke up earlier, so in other words I cleaned the house in my pyjamas and I must have stank like disinfectant spray and bleach. I didn't bother to tidy up the mess Lucy and I made when we watched all of the Twilight movies, and I hadn't realised how much mess we had actually made. Thankfully that was all tidied and gone, there were no more traces of ice cream stains on the Italian leather sofas, there were no more piles of popcorn all over the floor and more importantly the lounge was completely clean.
I wondered down the stairs and into newly clean lounge when I suddenly stopped in midtrack and stared at someone, who I hadn't expected to see at all.
All I could say was that the man was extremely familiar; well he wasn't familiar at all... I knew exactly who he was, in fact I knew him like the back of my hand and there he stood in front of me with a gorgeous smile and looking as perfect as ever, knocking the air out of my lungs. If I was holding something in my hand, I wouldn't have dropped it onto the floor.
"Hey babe," the man, in front of me said.
"What are you doing here?"