"Life doesn't get easier. We just get stronger."
MAYA
When dad and Mia left to visit a friend downtown after Cayden with much effort convinced them that they had nothing to worry about because he'll stay and spend the day with me, we both went downstairs and ordered pizza.
Cayden insisted on ordering two pizzas.
"We have been studying for three hours. We deserve two pizzas," he had said.
Admittedly, it took me zero seconds to agree.
We climbed onto the couch and after throwing a few suggestions back and forth, we settled on the movie Ralph Breaks The Internet. However, we just ended up turning away from the TV to face each as we talked about anything and everything while the movie played out in the background.
I asked Cayden if he took any medication in addition to talking to his therapist. He told me he used to take pills for depression, causing me to recall that night when Cayden had a panic attack and I found a bottle of pills in his closet.
"They help me but they also have their side effects, like I get headaches and get nauseous. Plus, they make it hard for me to sleep, which is already an issue. I prefer my sessions with Miles over antidepressants. It's different for everybody though," he explained.
Listening to every word, I nodded and then Cayden asked me a question he had been clearly curious about for a while. "When I had a panic attack that night, you helped me through it so well. How did you know what to do?"
I shuddered when the horrible memory flashed through my mind. Letting out a heavy sigh, I gave him a sad smile. "I've actually had a panic attack once. It was one night with John, moments after he," I paused to swallow the lump in my throat, dropped my gaze to my lap and fidgeted with the hem of my tank top. "Did what he did."
"Do you maybe want to talk about him?" He asked, carefully. "You said you've been thinking about Heaven, April, your mom, and John a lot. Let's talk about them. Dad always says talking about it makes it a lot easier. Holding it inside destroys you."
My head jerked up and Cayden smiled faintly to me. I had only talked about John with Bree and Mia. But Cayden had read my diary. Even though dad and Mr. Standall had read it too, it was different with Cayden. Talking to him would be different. I could tell him my dark and dirty secrets, and I knew he wouldn't judge me.
Thus, I inhaled a deep breath and gave it a try. "It's so hard for me to forget him. His face, his eyes, his breath, his skin, and his hands all over me. Whenever he crosses my mind, I close my eyes and keep reliving all those nights. It makes me sick."
As if he understood, Cayden nodded and reached his hand to take mine, entwining our fingers. It made me feel better immediately. Braver, even.
"During the group session, Bree said sleeping around with guys made her feel less cold and less lonely. Did you feel that way about Nathan and John too?"
God, his mind was practically trailing towards my dark secret.
A bundle of nerves dropped on me and I felt my heart thunder in my chest. "Yeah, they did, but they also made me feel emptier. I mean, that brief warmth was so empty. It made me feel empty. Does that make sense?"
As if he understood every word, he nodded.
"There's one more thing," I paused and took another deep breath. This one was really, really deep as if I was absorbing the courage to pull this off. "The reason I can't sleep at night is because my mind and body needs him to come and use me. I never slept without him coming into my room at least four nights a week and using me. I lived with it for two years that it became a regular thing. I couldn't sleep before he touched me. I still can't. It makes me hate myself so much and makes me feel so fucking disgusted that I feel like a slave or a used body. It scares me. I don't want to live like this. I don't want my thoughts at night to be about him."
All the agonizing suffocation I felt, mirrored across Cayden's face. "I understand. I never slept without playing basketball with Nathan or hanging out with him at the treehouse. I got so used to it that it became like a need I had to have before I could go to bed. After it all ended, I spend all my nights thinking about him and all the time we spent together. I couldn't sleep anymore."
I felt my eyes turn glassy because that's how exactly how I felt. It was like he was speaking my mind. Was it possible to feel like this? Like you had connected with someone through mind, heart, and soul?
"It's kind of like something's-"
"-Missing?" My voice came out as a small whisper.
He nodded and I couldn't help but throw my arms around him. I felt exhilaration drown me. "You understand. God, you actually understand."
All of a sudden, we were interrupted by the doorbell ringing through the comfortable tension we had built together, Cayden and I.
The pizzas.
I was about to get up, but my phone vibrated on the table. Cayden went to grab the pizzas while I picked up my phone and immediately smiled when I saw the message.
Boo💋 is typing...
Holaaa boo
Heeyy😊
Hru?
I'm okay. Better than yesterday. Cayden and I ordered pizza so I'm even better now😌
Awww Pizza😍
Wait u guys aren't naked or anything right? Shit did I interrupt something!
Feeling my face burn up in flames, I quickly typed a reply.
Nooo we're not doing anything like that🙈
Kay😜😏
So was Heaven at school today? Is she okay?
She didn't come to school today but Owen told me she's doing alright.
Btw I have to tell you something
What is it?
Nathan asked about u today
He asked about Cayden too
Like legit, the guy looked worried
Yeah I think he really feels guilty about what he did to Cayden. I mean he didn't even fight back when Cayden punched him.
Do you think they can make up and like be friends again???
No idea. Heaven wants nothing to do with me. Cayden probably wants nothing to do with Nathan.
Has he said anything? Could u ask him?
We've talked about a lot of things. I feel like we've really opened up to each other. Maybe he'll be willing to talk about Nathan too. I'll give it try.
Okay. I gotta go. Grabbing burgers at the Green with Alec. U go eat pizza with your man😉
Hahaha okay have fun.
❤️❤️❤️
❤️❤️❤️
I put my phone away and Cayden returned with two card boxes of pizza in his hands. He put them on the table before returning his attention back to me with an easy smile that caused a warm feeling to bloom within me.
"Bree just texted me. She told me Nathan was worried about you."
Cayden froze and his expression tightened. His eyes darkened.
"We don't have to talk about him if you don't want to," I said, putting my hand on his knee, running my thumb across the soft material of his jeans.
Cayden shook his head. "No, it's okay. You talked about John. Now I want to talk about Nathan."
I smiled. "You guys were really close, huh?"
"Yeah. We were. Really close."
"How were you able to act like strangers at school then?"
Anger creased across Cayden's face. "That's because we are strangers. He's not the Nathan he used to be. That golden boy who walks through the school hallway with his stupid pride is not my Nate. That guy is fucking dead. I have no idea who Nathaniel Northwood is. I only knew my Nate who always beat me at Mario Kart, got a matching tattoo with me and fainted afterward, and stole fancy food from his dad's fancy parties and sneaked them inside our treehouse. I have no idea who he is now. Seriously no-"
"-Hey, it's okay," I reassured him, moving my hand from his kneecap to his clenched fists and brushing the back of my other hand across his cheek. The muscle in Cayden's jaw twitched and he inhaled sharply before his expression saddened. He leaned into my touch and closed his eyes, his forced breaths slowly turning steady.
My Nate. That's what Nathan was to Cayden. Nathan destroyed everything in the blink of a second. His dad destroyed everything. Forgiveness didn't seem to be in the picture anymore.
"Do you want to eat some pizza?" I asked, after a moment of silence that descended between us.
Cayden opened one eye and cracked a boyish smile. "Yeah. Let's eat."
I smiled and was about to reach for one of the pizza boxes when Cayden grabbed my hand. I glanced at him. Cayden bit his bottom lip as he debated over something in his head.
"Just one more thing," he said, turning me to him and squeezing my hands. He looked at me with a serious face. "Basically emphasizing emotions are a part of depression. When your angry, you become a Hulk. When you're sad, you're sunken more than titanic. When you're supposed to be happy you feel bland like a diabetic food." Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "I go through that during my episodes. So I might lash out on you and sometimes I'll cry a lot. Just remember that it's my depression making me do all that. And you can back away from me whenever you want. I'll respect that."
I nodded, meekly. "Okay. I understand." I did understand. I really did.
"Thanks. It means a lot that you're not weirded out by anything I say," he said.
I smiled. "You're never weirded out by what I say, so I shouldn't be weirded out by what you say."
Just like that, Cayden tackled me with kisses. I was pressed down against the armrest while Cayden loomed over me. While our lips explored each other's, I gently lifted the hem of his hoodie and brushed my fingers against his skin on both sides of his waist.
Cayden froze.
I gently broke the kiss and looked into his eyes. "Is...is this okay?"
Cheeks growing pink, Cayden's eyes sparkled. "Yeah. Yeah, it is. I, uh, I like it."
I smiled and let my fingers graze his smooth skin. Warmth touched my fingertips and soared through, exploring every inch of me.
And then Cayden gently tugged at the hem of my tank top. "Can I...?"
I nodded and rested my forehead against his. My eyes slipped closed. When his fingers grazed against my skin, flames burst inside of me, spreading through me in lightning speed. My heart squeezed on itself and then raced.
"You're so soft," he mumbled between our kisses.
I chuckled and Cayden's face flamed. He looked almost panicked. "Uh, sorry. That sounded really weird."
"No-"
"-I'm sorry. I'm not really good at this stuff. I mean, I've never-"
"-Hey, it's okay. Believe it or not, it's new to me too."
"It is?" He tilted his head to side. I knew what he was thinking. I had dated Nathan for two years.
"Nathan and I were mostly drunk when we slept together. I honestly didn't remember anything the next day. And yeah, we kissed and held hands and were intimate at school and stuff because people expected us to because we were it couple, but it didn't feel the way it feels with you. With him, it was so empty and I didn't feel anything. I just felt uncomfortable and weird."
Cayden's eyes sparkled with affection. "And with me?"
"I feel happy and nervous and excited and awkward and my heart goes wild like this," I paused and grabbed his hand, placing it over my heart.
Cayden's eyes widened when my heart pounded loud and hard against his palm.
"Shit, Maya. It's beating really fast. You sure you're okay-" I cut him off and put his hand to his heart. As if he didn't realize it before now, Cayden's eyes grew wider.
I grinned. "Yep. I'm pretty sure yours is winning the race."
And then he laughed. And then I laughed. And then we both laughed like two awkward (in love) idiots making out on the couch.
Cayden chuckled and pressed his forehead against mine. "I like us. I like this. I really, really like this."
Smiling widely, I kissed him. "Me too."
This, what I had with Cayden, this was real. It was comfortable. It was delightful. It was mesmerizing. It was enchanting. It wasn't rough, forceful, a trophy, a showoff or anything fake. This was genuine and delicate.
The next passing minutes, Cayden and I were too busy making out in the couch to care about the untouched pizza or to notice the doorbell that rang. Again.
"You didn't order more pizza did you?" I asked after Cayden broke the kiss, face flushed bright red, lips slightly swollen and hair tousled.
Cayden shook his head, and then we heard the front door burst open in the foyer and a champagne blonde hair-framed face poked inside the living room, blue eyes scanning the room till they landed on us.
She grinned and glanced behind her shoulder. "They're not naked. Just recovering from a heavy make-out session. Red tomatoes and everything.
Everything.
As if on cue, Cayden and I quickly jumped off the couch and straightened our hair and shirts.
"We brought burgers!" Bree and Alec exclaimed, waving the loaded paper bags in their hand as they approached us with matching grins.
Cayden inhaled the scent and his eyes sparkled with hope." Fries?"
Alec tossed him a brown paper bag. "Got Hope Lance to make them extra salty."
Cayden had already dug in. He munched on a mouthful. "Thanks, buddy."
Bree had opened one of the pizza boxes and was now happily devouring a huge pizza slice bigger than her whole hand.
"Hey, fallen star." Alec smiled and approached me with a warm hug.
I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. He smelled warm metal, motor oil, and EverGreen diner's famous burgers.
When he drew back, he grasped my both hands in his while studying the bandaged scratches across my face with a frown. "Bree told me what happened yesterday. You okay?"
"Yeah. I'm alright," I said. That's all I could say. Right now, I was really happy, but even thinking about saying I was happy made me feel guilty. So guilty.
Alec sighed. "The word has spread around the whole town. Everybody's going around saying Cayden hurt you like he hurt Nathan. Most people are scared of him again."
"I honestly don't give a shit," Cayden said. "I have Maya who knows who I really am. Fuck everyone else. I don't need them."
My heart warmed and I stood on my tiptoes to peck his cheek, joyfully.
Bree slapped the back of Cayden's head, bossily. "Don't you forget me, Cay-Cay."
He returned to his fries after mumbling. "Yeah, you too, Big Sis."
"Awwwwwwwwww," Bree squealed, proudly kissing his both cheeks.
I grinned at them and Alec squeezed my hands in his, bringing my attention back to him. He put on that same genuine smile he offered that day he and I first met. And just by that smile, I knew that this guy wouldn't judge me for anything. I was the strongest one in his book. I felt like the strongest one.
"You're going to be okay, you hear me?"
I nodded. I knew I would be.
***
Author's note: Hi, guys. This chapter got super long real quick, but I hope it was worth your time.
Thank you so, so, so much for 10k reads! This means so much to me!
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