A/N your comments are so cute I love you guys, and comment what you think! Good, bad, criticism or anything just let me know so I know how you guys feel about this :) ily, enjoy.
Jason was sleeping, his bright eyes shut and his lips parted gently. I stared up at him, warring with myself.
I needed to cut. It didn't feel like an option or a want anymore. I physically needed it. My mind was tormenting me and my wrists were aching with the need to let out the monsters trapped inside them. I had to.
But I knew what it would do to Jason if I did. He'd be so angry, so upset. So heartbroken. I couldn't do that to him again...
My wrist throbs and I press my face down into the pillow, groaning. This is so hard, I would never try this hard for anyone except Jason. Damn it! I groan into the pillow again, almost wishing Jason would wake up and help me. But if he wakes up then I know I won't and I have to cut. I have to. He can't wake up because that'll take away my only chance at relief. I need to, I need to, I need to.
I turn and slowly reach into my bag next to the bed, finding a small razor at the very bottom that Jason hasn't found yet. I pull it out and with shaking fingers make one neat slice along my skin, sighing in relief. Oh my god that feels so good. So good. I go to make another cut, deeper, but then freeze. Oh my god. Jason is going to murder me. Still... Just one more...
No. I've already screwed up once, I have to try harder, I can't do this to Jason. I love him too much. I look at his sleeping face with tears in my eyes and do the thing that takes so much strength I never would've dreamed I could do it.
I let the tears fall, knowing I'm not going to get my relief tonight, and latch my arms around Jason's neck, one wrist oozing blood, pulling myself up to press our foreheads together and speak with shaking lips.
"Jay? J-Jason wake up. Please," I whisper, and his eyes flutter as he opens them, looking groggy and confused.
"Whasamatter?" He slurs, his voice deeper than usual as he wakes up.
"I..." Should I lie or be honest? Fuck it I'm already losing my chance. My voice drops to a meek whisper when I speak. "I really need to cut, but I know you d-don't, uhm, want me to, and I-" I'm cut off as all the air is squished out of me in a bone-crushing hug. I choke slightly as Jason rolls over top of me, his face buried in my neck and his breath warm on my skin.
"Ja- I c-can't b-breathe," I wheeze out, and he immediately props himself up on his knees, his arms still wrapped around me snugly. Guilt is crushing me.
"Oh god, Chris," he breathes into my neck. "I'm so fucking proud of you."
Proud of me? Why? There's nothing to be proud over. You just haven't noticed the blood on the back of your shirt yet.
"God," he sighs into my neck before leaning back and picking me up onto his lap. I huddle there, my wrists still aching, hiding the right one.
"I really need to," I whimper, and Jason's arms tighten around me like he thinks I'm going to try and run to the bathroom.
"It's okay sweetheart, I'm here, there's no reason to do that," he coos into my hair, holding me firmly.
"There is!" I whimper. "I'm useless, I'm worthless, I have to be punished."
My voice drops even lower and I stiffen. "Dad would punish me so badly if he saw me now. touching someone else, letting someone else touch me. Never punishing myself properly even though I know I deserve it. Speaking out of turn."
Jason's entire body is rigid behind me, and then he turns me over roughly, lying down at the same time so that I'm pinned underneath him. I look up, slightly scared, into his eyes, only to find Silas there. He growls down at me and I flinch.
"You're mine," he hisses. "Nobody else will ever touch you like that again, nobody will violate you, nobody will hurt you. And none of this punishment shit. You have done nothing wrong, you deserve to be held and loved not punished. And the next time I see cuts in your skin," his eyes harden to stone. "You're going to put the same exact ones on me."
My eyes widen and I shake my head frantically, tears streaming, trying desperately to hide my injured wrist from tonight.
He probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't started panicking. Silas's eyes narrow and he grabs my wrist, turning it over and seeing the cut there. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before glancing over and seeing the bloody razor on the nightstand.
"No!" I scream. "I won't!"
Silas ignores me, straddling me and physically forcing me to stay where I am against the headboard although I struggle with all I have. He grabs the razor and wraps my fingers around it while I try to pull away, thrashing and crying.
"Chris. Look at me," his voice is gentle now and I meet his eyes with my puffy red ones, tears flowing. I know he won't let me off the hook.
"We know that this is going to happen either way. You're going to understand what it's like to look at the one you love like this. This is going to help you in the long run, darling. But you and I both know who it is you really don't want to hurt."
My eyes widen and my entire body starts trembling violently.
"No," I moan. "No Silas please, please I'm begging you don't, please, please don't. I c-c-can't, I can't do it p-please S-Silas, please don't make me PLEASE!" I cry, and he shakes his head.
"You have to understand, Chris." He murmurs, and my chest aches as I hyperventilate, unable to breathe at what I know is going to happen. I don't want to I can't I can't I CAN'T!
"Silas please," I beg one last time but he only shakes his head, throwing me into overdrive.
"Just remember. Every time you cut, this is going to happen, until you stop. Every time, it's going to be your hand cutting into his skin," says Silas and I scream, throwing my head away and writhing like a caged animal.
"NO! I WON'T!" I scream, but Silas only closes his eyes, and when he opens them I lock down completely.
Jason.
He looks at me with big, sad blue eyes, and I shake my head stiffly, tears still flowing relentlessly.
"I won't do it," I whisper venomously. "I won't."
Jason looks at me through his lashes and smiles gently.
"Go ahead. Pick it up," he says so gently, letting go of one of my hands. I shake my head, letting that hand go limp at my side.
"No."
"Pick it up or I'll do it myself," he warns, his tone so gentle, trying to make this as easy for me as possible, but I can't. I won't.
Jason sighs and then smiles at me encouragingly.
"You have two options, darling. Either you do it, or I do it. And if I do it, I can guarantee that it will be much deeper and much more dangerous than if you do it."
I sob brokenly, unable to breathe, unable to think, knowing he has me in a corner.
"Please Jason," I breathe. "Don't do this."
"That sounds like exactly the sort of thing I've said to you when you cut," he retaliates quickly, and I hang my head, tears flowing.
"I'll never do it again. I swear I won't, not once, just don't make me do this," I beg him, but he's already shaking his head.
"Pick up the razor Chris." He orders, "you have five seconds before I do it myself."
I reach out, my fingers shaking horribly, and pick up the razor. I can't see through the tears, I can't breathe, I don't want to, please Jason. Please. I look up at him pleadingly one more time and he leans down to kiss my lips softly, although they're shaking and covered in tears.
He holds out his wrist, showing me the clean, untouched skin there, and I break down again. There are no scars, no blemishes here. A beautiful, perfect canvas that I'm going to destroy. Like throwing violent red paint across untouched snow.
I don't say anything, just let my head fall down to my chest and sob furiously for a solid five minutes before Jason forces my head up again.
"C'mon, sweetheart, you can do it," he whispers, and I lower my head again, this time to press my lips to his skin that I'm going to ruin, pressing shaky kisses over the entire area.
My nose is running and my eyes are swollen as I grip his hand tightly, holding it steady and choking on my own air, whimpering.
"I'm so sorry, Jason," I whisper, and then press the razor slightly to the skin. He's tense, but doesn't flinch, probably for my sake. I don't know what I would do if he reacted in pain.
It doesn't take, and through my own heaving sobs I press harder until little pearls of blood come to the surface. My heart shatters and I throw the razor across the room, hearing it hit the wall with a click and fall to the floor.
"That isn't half so deep as yours is and you know it, but I won't make you do any more," whispers Jason. I'm shaking like a leaf, my eyes wide and suddenly I lean over the bed and throw up into the trash can, burning my throat as Jason wraps his arms snugly around me and let's me finish gagging wretchedly before pulling me back into the safety of his arms, murmuring things I can't hear into my ear.
I'm sobbing, I can't breathe, my throat burns harshly and I think I might be sick again. My head starts pounding as I'm rocked back and forth in Jason's arms, and my lips tremble.
The door flies open and I recognize Mac standing in the doorway. Jason holds me tighter, but then speaks.
"What?" He snaps, and Mac's eyes are locked on me, frowning deeply.
"Jacob said he heard screaming. Like someone was scared, or being hurt. I told him to stay downstairs."
Jason sighed and ran a hand through my hair, still trying to calm me.
"Tell him not to worry." Said Jason, and Mac nodded hesitantly before crossing the room, glancing at Jason.
"Does he need my help? I know you didn't want me to before, but..." Mac trails off and Jason doesn't say anything before nodding.
"Yes, he does. Just... Let him sleep, right now. He isn't in a good place." Jason murmurs, and fear overwhelms me. What are they going to do? I want to huddle against Jason but I don't deserve any comfort from him. Mac reaches out and puts a hand on my forehead.
I completely lose it. He's touching me, he's touching me, he's TOUCHING ME. I scream and shove him away with both hands as hard as I can, scrambling back away from both of them into the corner of the room. Jason immediately moves to follow me and I clench my fists at my sides, terrified. He TOUCHED ME. and Jason let him. Is this further punishment for cutting? This is too far, so, so too far. He knows nobody else is allowed to touch me. He touched me, he touched me, he touched me, oh god, no no no no no...
"Chris?" Jason sounds confused and I press against the wall.
"No! I d-don't know if this is s-supposed to b-be more p-punishment but Silas p-promised! He promised!" I screamed at him, and Jason looks shocked.
"Chris. I don't..." He looks lost for a moment before it hits him and he motions for Mac to hold on while he kneels in front of where I'm curled in a ball. "Baby," he murmurs, finally understanding, and I start crying again.
"Silas promised," I whimper again, and Jason nods.
"Okay babe. Okay." He hesitates for a second. "Would you feel better if Silas was out?"
I stare at him for a second and then nod slowly. Silas is the one who promised not to let anybody touch me just now. He closes his eyes and when he opens them it's Silas. He immediately pulls me up into his arms, turning Mac.
"Get out of here," he said firmly, and Mac nodded, heading for the door. "And Ryan!" Mac looked. "Thank you."
Mac smiled and walked out, while Silas tugged me into the bed with him.
"He just forgot. He's not as aware, and he's used to being able to touch you now."
I nod against his chest, just hanging on. I want to go back to sleep, I'm so tired. I'm so scared. I want to close my eyes and let it all wash away.
"Silas I'm tired," I whispered, and he nods, pulling me tight against him.
"Go to sleep, baby. I'll make sure you're safe." He murmurs exactly what I need to hear, and I fall back asleep against his chest, nuzzled against him while his hand strokes up and down my spine.