Try (bxb)

Chapter Fifteen

A/N your comments are so cute I love you guys, and comment what you think! Good, bad, criticism or anything just let me know so I know how you guys feel about this :) ily, enjoy.

Jason was sleeping, his bright eyes shut and his lips parted gently. I stared up at him, warring with myself.

I needed to cut. It didn't feel like an option or a want anymore. I physically needed it. My mind was tormenting me and my wrists were aching with the need to let out the monsters trapped inside them. I had to.

But I knew what it would do to Jason if I did. He'd be so angry, so upset. So heartbroken. I couldn't do that to him again...

My wrist throbs and I press my face down into the pillow, groaning. This is so hard, I would never try this hard for anyone except Jason. Damn it! I groan into the pillow again, almost wishing Jason would wake up and help me. But if he wakes up then I know I won't and I have to cut. I have to. He can't wake up because that'll take away my only chance at relief. I need to, I need to, I need to.

I turn and slowly reach into my bag next to the bed, finding a small razor at the very bottom that Jason hasn't found yet. I pull it out and with shaking fingers make one neat slice along my skin, sighing in relief. Oh my god that feels so good. So good. I go to make another cut, deeper, but then freeze. Oh my god. Jason is going to murder me. Still... Just one more...

No. I've already screwed up once, I have to try harder, I can't do this to Jason. I love him too much. I look at his sleeping face with tears in my eyes and do the thing that takes so much strength I never would've dreamed I could do it.

I let the tears fall, knowing I'm not going to get my relief tonight, and latch my arms around Jason's neck, one wrist oozing blood, pulling myself up to press our foreheads together and speak with shaking lips.

"Jay? J-Jason wake up. Please," I whisper, and his eyes flutter as he opens them, looking groggy and confused.

"Whasamatter?" He slurs, his voice deeper than usual as he wakes up.

"I..." Should I lie or be honest? Fuck it I'm already losing my chance. My voice drops to a meek whisper when I speak. "I really need to cut, but I know you d-don't, uhm, want me to, and I-" I'm cut off as all the air is squished out of me in a bone-crushing hug. I choke slightly as Jason rolls over top of me, his face buried in my neck and his breath warm on my skin.

"Ja- I c-can't b-breathe," I wheeze out, and he immediately props himself up on his knees, his arms still wrapped around me snugly. Guilt is crushing me.

"Oh god, Chris," he breathes into my neck. "I'm so fucking proud of you."

Proud of me? Why? There's nothing to be proud over. You just haven't noticed the blood on the back of your shirt yet.

"God," he sighs into my neck before leaning back and picking me up onto his lap. I huddle there, my wrists still aching, hiding the right one.

"I really need to," I whimper, and Jason's arms tighten around me like he thinks I'm going to try and run to the bathroom.

"It's okay sweetheart, I'm here, there's no reason to do that," he coos into my hair, holding me firmly.

"There is!" I whimper. "I'm useless, I'm worthless, I have to be punished."

My voice drops even lower and I stiffen. "Dad would punish me so badly if he saw me now. touching someone else, letting someone else touch me. Never punishing myself properly even though I know I deserve it. Speaking out of turn."

Jason's entire body is rigid behind me, and then he turns me over roughly, lying down at the same time so that I'm pinned underneath him. I look up, slightly scared, into his eyes, only to find Silas there. He growls down at me and I flinch.