Try (bxb)

Prologue

"I'm scared," I breathed out shakily, feeling my palms start to sweat and my stomach clench at his closeness. "Please Jason, I'm so s-scared." I could feel the tears threatening to fall and pushed them away angrily, miserably.

He bent down to catch my eye and I automatically looked away to hide the tears. I could hear the small sound of displeasure in the back of his throat when I did, but I still didn't look up at him.

"Hey," he ducks to try and look in my eyes again, and I could feel his cool breath on my face, peppermint. "Chris. It's okay... it's just me. Have I ever hurt you?"

I feel the tears start to spill at his words, as the guilt flooded in. Of course he hadn't hurt me. I really wanted to be what he needed and I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"N-no," I manage to choke out, and his fingers gently brush the back of my neck through my turtleneck shirt. It makes me shiver and I shrink back a little bit.

"I couldn't hurt you," he breathes, and his words are like numbing medicine, letting me glance up at him for just a split second before I look down again. He means it, I know he does and I scream it at myself in my head. He won't hurt you, he won't hurt you, he won't hurt you, over and over again like a chant.

"Shhh, baby, shhh... you're okay, you're safe," he whispers gently, and I shake my head frantically, squeezing my eyes shut as the memories try to barge in, out of the cage of the past and into my present. No, no, no...focus on Jason. Focus.

I snap my head back up to look at him and he immediately backs up, seeing the desperation in my eyes. I know his first instinct is to hold me and I know that he won't. He can't even touch me without bringing on a panic attack.

I start to feel the tears roll faster and I have to gasp for air, never moving my brown eyes from his blue ones. I can't get enough air, I can't breathe... I'm so sorry Jason, I just want to be better, I just want a real relationship, I'm so, so sorry. I shut my eyes tight. 'This is all your fault!' I yell at myself- 'can't you see the pain in his eyes? You. That's your fault. You're hurting him and he's the only one who cares. You're worthless, you can't even let him be happy, you can't even control yourself for him. You always ruin everything, and I hate you.'

My own thoughts make me choke on my tears, trying to pull as much air as possible into my lungs but they don't accept it, only push it back out again. Vaguely I can hear Jason calling my name, but I'm shaking too hard and too lost in my own thoughts to pay attention.

Someone's hands on my face is the thing that finally makes me open my eyes, screaming.