i've done it! this is the last chapter from the past manuscript, so we'll be getting into newer material. thank you to everyone who's stuck around to read the rewrite - i know my semester hiatuses means i lose a lot of readers, but i'm thankful to all of you for staying with me. your love and patience really do mean the world, so thank you.
i did want to keep this very special chapter in for you guys. kindly point out any weird mistakes and typos, enjoy the chapter!
✦✧✦
from the moment i saw you with your beyblade
i knew my feelings for you wouldn't fade.
i needed you to catch me when i fall
i wanted you to hold me close.
but luck played a trick on me
as always leaving me unhappy.
being miles apart from you tore my heart
i went back to my own nest.
so, when i saw you again
i wanted you to keep me sane.
i wanted you and me
documenting our memory.
thank you to @Bethrocks00 for sharing this poem you made for this story!
✦✧✦
CHRIS P.OV.
I've got to handle a few things before I can leave. Call when I'm good to go. Under mom orders.
Sent.
I clapped my hands together and braced myself against the counter with a breath. Right.
"Unpack. You and Camryn are not leaving this house until you do because then you'll never do it. Put dirty laundry in the washing machine. Clear the mess in the sink – I better not be coming home to Mount. Dishes in my kitchen sink. Drop Camryn off at Reece's if you leave, and don't forget that you've left her there. You're responsible for picking her up," I read off to Camryn as I trailed into her room. It was late in the morning, and she was still in bed, fully awake, fully lazy.
I'd say this is house arrest, but no. I guess this is our price to pay for being so lazy and useless since coming home from California. We haven't been the best at getting back to our normal chores routine. In our defense, it's only been two days since we came home and we were still in holiday mode. Holiday mode requires minimum work. But man, she knows me well. I probably won't unpack until I've run out of underwear.
"You see this?" I shook the list in her face. "You and I can't leave if we don't finish this list."
"You're gonna make me do stuff this early in the morning?" she whined, rolling onto her stomach and stuffing her face into a pillow.
"First of all, it's almost lunch. Second of all, yes. I've got places to go and people to be with," I said, pulling open her blinds so light flooded the room. Without the darkness to conceal the sea of mess, you could clearly see the suitcase basically throwing up clothes from its opening, toys out of their plastic boxes, and animal plushies (who usually reside on the bed) littered all across the floor. "Plus, you love staying at Reece's place. They've got that giant TV you like to sit in front of all day."
That alone wasn't enough to motivate her out of bed. She merely huffed with her face still pressed against the pillow.
Sighing, I grabbed the edges of her blanket and pulled it clean off her body. I spoke loudly over her protests. "Hurry and get up, already! I have to go see Darcy." It's been a couple days since I've been back and I still I haven't seen her. We were planning to have a fun day that she could document and I could collect something from. While Darcy's been writing in her journal for the past couple days, my box of momentos was completely empty (aside from a small bag of shells I brought back with me from California).
"Oh!" she exclaimed, finally springing up from the ball she curled herself into. "At the café? Can I come? Please?"
That eagerness? Dead give away. I knew her motive. The first and last time Darcy met Camryn was when I brought her in after school once. Darcy, using the powers as daughter of the owner, slipped Camryn a free cookie. Free anything, let alone a delicious cookie, would make the best first impression. I knew Camryn wanted to push her luck. I shook my head, though.
"Not today. Jessica's waiting for you. I'd also like to go, so it'd be fantastic if you can get up, get changed, and get going." Camryn challenged my pointed look with one of her own. The theatrical pinch of her mouth and arch in her eyebrow was a signal. She needed something in return.
I sighed. "I'll make you food."
The time it took for her to slide out of bed and the speed in which she did it had me laughing as I left her room. Food as a motivator? We're definitely related.
I knew she would've gotten out of bed, anyway. Though she does have her moments, I've taught her better than to anger our dragon of a mother, who'd breathe down our necks with fiery anger 'till we finished what'd she ordered. Plus, Camryn really does love that TV in Reece's living room.
Camryn and I got straight to work after lunch. We banged dish washing off the list straight away, got the dirty laundry into the wash, and stuffed our empty luggage back into the storage closet. We were on our way to Reece's apartment a couple hours later.
Jessica was the one to greet us at the door. "Hey!" She opened her arms for a hug. Camryn stepped into them. "Your mom told me you'd come have fun with me if you finished your chores. All done?"
"Ready for inspection," I assured her as I entered. Camryn wasn't the only one who liked to swing by. I loved it, too, and not just for their big TV.
It always seemed surreal when I thought about Reece being a grown ass adult now. With his mom dead and his dad in jail for a long time, my parents took him in years ago, so he's been growing up with me since before day one. Standing in the place he shares now with his fiancé was a reminder of how much time has passed and just how much he's rocking at life right now. I mean, look at that TV. A man's proudest purchase.
"Did Reece have to go back to work so soon?" I asked Jessica as she and Camryn settled on the couch.
"Yeah," she sighed. "It was so nice to spend two weeks without him jetting off to work, but duty calls."
Jessica and Reece normally would've joined us in California for the holidays, but not this year. Reece's job in marketing is demanding – long hours and travel have him out of the house a lot. Fortunately, with a relationship lasting as long as theirs, Reece knows how to compensate for those nights he's left Jessica alone. Hence, his sweeping her off to Florida.
"So, I'm sure you had a great time on vacation," I couldn't help saying with a teasing smirk. It earned me a couch pillow to the face and a quick shuffle out the door, but not without a promise to pick Camryn up in a couple of hours.
Perfect. With everything on Mom's list complete, now Bryson, Cooper, Marissa, Philip, and I can head over to the Brewing Café and meet Darcy there. Our day was starting off a lot later than we originally planned. All of us gathering over there was supposed to be the first thing we did this morning, but I woke up to a list of chores, so that didn't go as planned.
Soon I found out that our day was still not going as planned.
All but one person was there when I arrived, and it was the girl who was supposed to be working today.
Marissa blew out from her mouth and leaned her head against Phil's shoulder. "Why isn't she here yet? She said she was coming like half an hour ago."
Cooper nudged my shoulder and gestured me to slide out of the booth. "If she's not coming to us, then we'll go to her. You know the way to her place, right? Let's just head over there."
"It'd actually be pretty funny if she fell back asleep or something," Bryson said as he stretched his limbs as we gathered out. "She'll probably throw death threats at us for waking her up before remembering we were supposed to go adventuring."
If there's anything I've rediscovered about Darcy these past few months, it's that she valued her sleep more than your life. With that said, she's all bark and no bite, but you've got a death wish if you're thinking of waking her up. Still, she shouldn't be asleep this far into the afternoon. I brushed off my concerns earlier when Evan told me that Richard wasn't here either. I thought maybe there was something going on at home and that she'd meet us here eventually. The worry only sunk in when we couldn't reach her. No text or anything. Even our calls went straight to voicemail.
If something was wrong, surely Darcy would've told me about it?
With my worry festering, I tugged my hoodie over my shoulders. "Right, no more waiting. Let's go."
My heart, like my feet, was picking up pace as I headed towards the door. I was all but ready to jog there if I had to when Ben came out of the kitchen and called after me. I let the others head out outside as I walked towards the counter. "What's up, Ben? I was just about to leave."
"You're looking for Darcy, right?" he asked.
"Yeah, we're supposed to hang out today," I replied. "Have you heard from her? My friends and I tried calling her, but it doesn't seem like she's getting our messages."
"Yeah, about that..." Ben pressed his lips together and shared a glance with Evan at the register. He gave the last customer a courteous smile, then dropped it for a grim expression once she walked away.
My fingers tightened in my hoodie pocket. So, I was right.
"Boss called. It's bad news," Evan told me, confirming my worries.
"Real bad," Ben added, throwing my worries into overdrive. "Richard's heading over here right now. I'm sure he can explain more about it to you when he gets here. Tell your buddies that you're going to have to reschedule. I got the feeling Darcy won't be leaving the house today."
Bad news? Real bad news? Dread crawled up my spine at an alarming rate as my mind jumped to every worst possible conclusion I could think of. Bad news is big, but real bad news?
"We can do that, no problem, but why?" The urge to run to Darcy's apartment and check on her intensified as the two men shook their heads. I was torn between pestering them or leaving them to find out myself when I looked towards the window and saw Richard passing through leaving customers to get into the café.
I saw it almost immediately. His grim look matched Evan and Ben's.
Darcy.
I didn't have to ask him. The concern was probably written all over my face. "She's at home," was the first thing he said to me when I approached him. "She did tell me that she was supposed to spend some time with you and your friends. Unfortunately, I think it's best that you leave her be for today."
"But why?" I asked again with hard emphasis.
Richard took his hat off and sighed slowly, almost as if he was releasing all the emotions he had pent up with a single breath. It didn't work, as all his emotions could be understood just by looking at him.
"I'm not sure if you remember a woman by the name of Sylvia Romana. She's the woman who ran the orphanage Darcy lived in when she was younger. She... passed away today. Darcy only found out about it as she was about to leave the house."
My heart dropped.
Sylvia Romana. I met her before, years and years ago when Jessica and Darcy still lived at the orphanage. I don't remember her much, but her kindness wasn't so easily forgotten. When I first visited Darcy, I met the group of girls living there at the time. If they were upset about being there, they sure didn't show it. No matter how bad of a position and mindset they were put into because of their personal life, the orphanage felt like home, and the girls were family. Sylvia Romana ran it all.
Every single girl that ever resided under her roof (except for Jessica) eventually got adopted. I remember it being a wish of hers. A death wish that'd been granted.
I should've known earlier that something was off. And now...
"So, she's upset," I concluded. "So, if she's upset, then shouldn't you be with her?" Hell, I should be there with her, but Richard especially. If I'd known sooner that something was wrong, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Not even the time of day could stop me from coming over, and she knew that all too well.
Richard released another deep sigh as he took a seat at one of the tables. "Ain't that easy, son. She's upset. She wants to cry. But when she wants to cry, she wants to cry alone. It's a..." He waved his fingers in thought. "forced habit, you can say. Carried it with her from childhood. She can let you know about that on her own time."
"So, what you're saying is I can't go see her?" It pained me physically to say, and even more when Richard shook his head in confirmation.
"I don't think so, son."
I pulled my fingers through my hair, gripping at the ends. "Shit," I whispered. I wanted to argue. To say more. But I felt like I was treading in unfamiliar territory.
Darcy and I hung out frequently as kids. Our childhood together was full of games and plays, movies and Beyblades. But travesty and devastation? Nah, not too much of that. The three main things I can recall her crying at is the bullying, Richard's plateau in health, and the days and weeks leading up to her big move to California, where Richard would receive treatment for all his different health problems. She sought refuge in the bathroom or her closet during those times, and there I would wait, on the other side of the walls. I would wait for the adults to console her until they would send her to join me to play. By the time she came to me, she was no longer in tears.
But I'm not restricted by age anymore. I had the ability to go to her right now, to be there for her, to comfort her in a way I never knew how to as a kid.
The right move would be to trust Richard's judgement. But everything in me wanted to run to her now, even if I did end up sitting on the other side of the wall.
"I'm sorry," said Richard, pulling my attention back to him. He looked just as torn. "I know you care about Darcy just as much, and I'm thankful for that. I'm sure Darcy feels the same."
"Then it shouldn't be surprising if I say that I can't just sit and wait for her to call," I said quietly. "I know you're against it. But I just can't sit here – I can't. Darcy's always there for me and I want to do the same for her."
After all, I promised. It's part of our promise to take on this year together. Big or small, good or bad. We had to tackle this news together.
All thanks to Richard and his consent, we were able to get into the apartment. But just because we got through the door, didn't necessarily mean we were able to open Darcy's. I knew she was upset. I just didn't think she'd be locked inside her room and refuse to make a sound. The only indication that she was actually in there safely was the one knock response we got to Cooper's, "if you're alive knock once."
We didn't try to make her come out. We just spoke to the door and into the silence, hoping that our words helped ease her pain in any way possible. Bryson even brought out the big guns: puns. God-awful puns that normally made Darcy smile at their stupidity. We had no clue if our coming here helped Darcy at all, but at least she knew we were (literally) here for her.
Phil broke away from the half circle we made in front of her door. The others exchanged glances as he headed towards the living room. I knew I wasn't the only one feeling helpless and dejected as we followed after him.
Once a far distance from Darcy's door, everyone began talking in hushed voices.
"I told you this was a bad idea," he said to us.
"I can't believe she won't even say a word!" Cooper cried.
"Not even to let us know if she's okay," Marissa added with a sad pout.
Phil crossed his arms and shook his head. "Because she's clearly not," he said with an edge to his tone. "I don't think she's in a 'yes, shine light on my situation' mood right now. She needs to grieve, and Chris said Richard said that she can't properly grieve unless she's alone. For all we know, we're limiting her by being here, so let's go."
Like a couple kids being scolded, everyone hung their heads. When Phil chooses to speak up about certain things, shit was serious. And he was usually right. We did so much to console her and we got so little in return. The thought of her being so sad tore at my heart, but not as much as thinking about how she could be holding back for the sake of not letting us hear it.
At that, everyone agreed to leave and say their goodbyes to a silent Darcy.
Everyone but me, that is.
"Chris." Phil stood holding the door that the rest had just left through.
I shook my head. "Can't do it, man. I can't leave her."
Frustration flashed in his eyes. "But you heard –"
I held a hand out to stop him and calmly said, "I won't push. I'll leave soon, don't worry."
He looked ready to fight me on this, but Marissa stepped up and placed a hand on his chest. He glanced down to look at her for just a moment, then sighed. Whatever she wordlessly said to him must have worked because he gave me a nod before shutting the door, leaving me behind.
I held my breath and listened carefully for a hint of sound, but I was left in silence.
I grabbed the gaudy St. Patrick's notepad that was magnetically stuck on the refrigerator and went to sit in front of Darcy's door. The front page was a grocery list in Richard's handwriting. I flipped to the next page, then slipped it easily through the small opening underneath, leaving half of it visible for me to see on my side. I wonder if she'll still listen.
"I want to be here for you, Darce, but only if you want me to. I'll leave if that's what you want, just let me know... through, like, Morse code or something. Please," I murmured, resting the side of my forehead on the wood.
As expected, the room was more silent than a night on the countryside. I would've took that as a sign to leave if footsteps softly padding across the room didn't root me to the floor. I watched as the notepad was pulled into the room. It slipped back out a moment later.
It read, stay.
But under it, you don't know morse code.
I grinned. Well, that settles it then.
Writing ":P" on the notepad, I pushed it back into the room and turned around so I sat with my back against the door. "I'm here if you need me. As in literally right outside your door if you need me."
If she didn't want to talk, that's fine. We didn't have to. If my being here helped her in anyway, then I'm prepared to sit here even after my ass goes numb.
The notepad was pushed out again. It pressed against my body until I moved to the side and pulled it all the way out to see an additional note below the previous one.
Thank you.
And then, soon after, she began to cry.
Do you know what torture feels like? Because I think it feels like having to hear a person you care about wail their heart out for an hour.
When she finally came out, her eyes were almost shut with how puffy they were. She wore her pajamas – the ones with little frogs on the pants – and had a large blanket thrown over her shoulder as she wordlessly headed towards the living room. She placed her items down on the couch before she proceeded to drag the coffee table off to the side near the back hall.
"Can we watch TV?" Her voice came out scratchy.
Darcy laid the large blanket across the floor in front of the TV and began removing the cushions from the couch for them to be transferred to the floor. Soon, all the pillows she could possibly find in the apartment were on the ground. I followed her to a linen closet. She began taking out more blankets but stopped as I placed my hands on her shoulders.
"Darce."
I didn't want to push, so it was all I could say. But just by her name alone, I felt her shoulders drop, like the weight of all her problems were pulling them down. Slowly, I turned her shoulders so that she faced me, puffy eyed and all.
Her arms wrapped around my waist in a fragile hold. "Can we watch TV?" she asked again.
The answer was, of course, a thousand times yes, but it's not what I wanted to ask. I stroked her hair back, still hesitating. "Your dad didn't want us to come because he says you won't cry in front of people. I kinda remember that as a kid. You never told me why."
Her eyes lowered. "My dad – my actual dad – didn't want me to cry, so I always hid when I had to." She didn't look up as she explained, especially as she said, "He'd punish me if he caught me crying, which only made me cry harder and him even angrier. He was afraid everyone would think he did something wrong if I was crying, though that was usually the case. So, I guess it's just habit."
My arms tightened around her instinctively, and Darcy chuckled weakly as I did. She shook her head and patted my chest. "I know, I know. That's all over now. I kinda broke that habit tonight, though."
I gritted my teeth together as I watched Darcy pick up the blankets and head back to the living room. For as long as I've known Darcy, she didn't tell me much about her past. Sometimes, it was easy to forget the things she went through as a kid. I met her after the darkest period of her life, at a point where she was much happier and much, much safer. Still, it didn't mean all those things didn't happen. The past can haunt you in the present and into the future, no matter how badly you want to forget. I learned that when she told me about her bullying and how it affected her now.
With a combination of all the comfy things we could scavenge around the apartment, we were able to make a makeshift bed on the floor. My numb butt was thankful for the extra cushioning. Darcy threw a pillow onto my lap and settled her head on top.
"I'm exhausted," she told me, settling herself with the blanket she loved to curl in so much. "Crying makes me sleepy. Does it make you sleepy?"
"I wouldn't know. Tough men don't cry," I teased with a flex of my arms.
Darcy snorted. "As if. I bet Bridgit made you cry."
"Yikes. You came for me hard."
I rested my hand on her shoulder as I began flipping through the channels for the most feel-good thing I could find. God knows we all needed it after such a day. Cartoons always came through for when you were down with the blues, so I settled on a channel that was streaming one. After a whole episode, I was convinced that Darcy had fallen asleep until she rolled over to look up at me.
"Thank you. For coming." The sincerity and sadness in her eyes tore at my heart all over again. I just wanted to take the pain away. Darcy's never been so vulnerable with me before. It was unusual to see her this way. It should've been unusual to have her head on my lap, but the intimacy felt natural.
"I made a promise," I reminded her, using my finger to tap her nose. She scrunched it. "I said we'd take on the new year together. That's what we're doing, isn't it?"
She nodded and smiled. It was the smallest of smiles, but it was a smile nonetheless.
And I'll take it for now, until I could make that smile even wider.
woohoo! hope you enjoyed that special pov chapter. as i've said, this is the end of revisions, so we will be getting into that new new content, you guys. since writing's still feeling like a struggle, it'll be hard not to have the guide of old chapters, but i'm up for the challenge. i'm doing july nanowrimo '19, so hopefully i'll be able to get some serious writing done in the midst of work this summer.
also, i've posted a poem book? i thought i'd try my hand at simple free verse as a way to hold onto my creative self when i go on long hiatuses and struggle to write. there's so much that i've been experiencing and feeling as i continue to grow older. love, feeling lost and out of place, struggle with anxiety and self-love, etc. these poems are really personal to me, and maybe you don't think they're good, but i'd still like to share them with you. the graphic attached to this chapter is one of them and the little poem in my author bio is mine. so check the poem book out, if you'd like. it's called "in this moment" for all the moments i'm writing about in my life.
if you want to stay updated, see behind the scenes of chapters/my life, and even chat - i'm very active on my instagram. i have new twitter as well where old classmates won't find me LOL.
anyway, i'll see you in probably two weeks for another chapter. thank you all for the love. happy july 4th to everyone celebrating tomorrow!