"Kevin? Can you hear me?" A cloudy, distant voice called, a tinge of urgency, despite the foggy sound
My eyes cowered under the bright light above me, only able to make out blurry figures.
"Hey- do you hear me?" He repeated, once he saw my eyes opening and closing on repeat.
I was confused and disoriented beyond belief, my only response being staring at him with a puzzled expression until my vision began to clear and I could make out a face.
"Do I need to call 911? Should I call an ambulance?"
I was only just beginning to recognize the face in front of me, but I knew to shake my head. I could hardly understand what he was saying, but I knew not to get anyone else involved. I probably just got hurt or something. I was fine. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm fine. I'm sure of it.
It was a while of stumped staring before I could finally make words come out.
"Why... W-Why are you here..?"
"You collapsed.."
"...Why?"
"Why? I don't know why.."
My heart was still beating out of my chest.
"H-How long? How long was I..."
"Not even a minute.. look the janitors are gonna be here to clean up any minute, let's get out of here.."
He took my hands and pulled me up, keeping a tight hold on my wrist and upper back, in case I fell again.
"Backpack.." I mumbled, conveying the urgency with as much force as I could, only half conscious
"Backpack?"
I pointed to the small black backpack by the door of the stage.
"I need the backpack.."
My heart was racing, I was sweating and shaking, all I could think about was getting my medication.
He nodded and picked up my backpack, hauling me off to an empty classroom.
"What happened? Did.. Did you hit your head? Are you sick?"
I shook my head, finally coming to terms with my surroundings. And with the fact that'd I'd neglected to take medication. My heart was feeling faster by the second.
"I-I need my bag" I ordered, leaning up against the wall enough that I could swallow my pills with ease.
My chest was pounding, I thought everyone could hear it. I couldn't keep a steady thought, it was all incoherent and far too fast.
He handed me my backpack as quickly as he could, and I scrambled through the pockets until I found my pill bottles.
"W-What are you looking for?"
I didn't answer, I just desperately attempted to open the bottle.
"Are you on drugs?"
I felt compelled to roll my eyes, but even then I was too distracted.
"Are you?" He repeated
"No, I'm not on fucking drugs!"
I finally cracked the lid and downed them dry.
"Do you need water!?"
"I'm fine!"
"I'm going to get you a water-"
I grabbed onto his wrist
"No, stay!"
I was embarrassed to have done that, It wasn't conscious. I was afraid. I didn't want to be alone, I would've begged anyone to stay.
"Oh.. okay.."
"I-I have a bottle in my bag.. I-I still have more m-meds to take.."
He quickly reached into my backpack and pulled out the half empty water bottle, twisting the cap open for me. I swallowed two pills from the second bottle, grabbing the water from him.
"What... What happened..?" He asked as I handed him the prescription bottles to put away.
"I don't know... I-I don't know... turn around"
"What?"
"Turn around."
"Why?"
"Just turn around!"
He sighed and turned his head. I quickly checked the monitor under my clothes. 256.
"Shit" I whispered to myself
He whipped around
"What, what's the matter?"
I rushed to pull the bottom of my shirt back down, but my reflexes weren't near fast enough
"What's that?"
"It's nothing!" I snapped
"Kevin, what is it?!"
"It's nothing, i-it's just an event monitor"
"What? What's that?"
"Look, I-I need to calm down, please j-just let me lay down.."
I laid down on the floor, squeezing my eyes shut and forcing deep breaths. I kept my hand over my mid-chest, feeling like if I didn't hold it down, my heart would leap from my chest.
"..let me see"
"What?" I panted
He lifted my shirt to see the monitor, near gasping when he saw its entirety. He expected it to just be maybe a little box with a number. He was shocked to see the plethora of wires, tape and electrodes on my chest.
"Jesus Christ.
"Stop looking! I-I have to go, I can't be here"
"You're not just going to get up and leave!"
"And why not!? I don't want to be here, I-I'm going home!"
"You just fainted, you can't be behind a wheel!"
I shook my head rapidly
"I-I want to go, I-I didn't want you to see this-"
"Hold my hand" he reached our forward
I shook my head again. I was afraid. If I'm holding his hand, what does that mean? Does that affirm my twisted delusions of fantasy? Does that make me.. unusual?
My eyes were watering, but I forced them back
"Stop being such a child, hold my hand" he scolded
I gave in and took his hand, holding tightly. Trying to let out all my fear and anger in that. He knew I was scared. And that was embarrassing beyond belief.
"...when were you going to tell me this?"
"I wasn't" I answered matter-of-factly
"Kevin you need to tell me these things! You just collapsed backstage, you got lucky that it wasn't serious, but what if it was? And nobody knew what was happening or what we should do? Kevin!"
"Don't yell at me, you don't get to yell at me"
"I'm sorry... What's a normal heart rate?"
"60 to 100."
"Jesus Christ, man!" His eyes bulged when he read the number displayed on the small clip "i think you need to go to a hospital!"
"No, I-I don't need to go to a hospital, this has happened before.."
"It shouldn't! I-I'm calling your mother"
"Like hell you are! Please, j..just let me lie here for a little while."
"She should know this is happening!"
"She'll worry... please, man." I looked him in the eyes, giving a genuine plea.
"..what if there's something wrong?"
"T-There's nothing wrong, come on, she'll worry herself sick! She lost one son, if she.. she finds out this happened, she'll never sleep"
"She doesn't know..!?"
"She does! B-But she just doesn't know the extent of it.. I'm fine, I've been telling her I'm fine!"
"That doesn't seem like a good idea.."
"Well it's better than being the reason she spirals again! ...Get this thing off of me."
"..What?"
"She won't know until the d-doctor reads the results in a few weeks, he can't do that, I need you to break this thing"
"Are you out of your mind!?"
"Please! Please, if they see this they'll start s-slicing me open, they can't see this! H...Help me get it off!" I began to tug at the wires, ignoring the strain it put on me.
He grabbed my hand and forced it away
"You're not thinking clearly.. just breathe, breathe, okay?"
"Please... Please, I'm begging you, just let me lie here.. please.."
I could hardly breathe. My heart was pounding in my chest, it felt like that Poe story. I couldn't escape it.
Every moment from there was a blur. I don't know if it was the meds, the anxiety, or if I was just truly sick, but I don't remember much after that.
The next I knew, I was in the guest bedroom. The curtains were pulled, the only light in the room came from the hall. I could faintly hear the voices of my mother and father, arguing in their native language.
Confused, I got out of bed, swaying down the hall.
"Mami..? Dónde estás?"
"Kevvy, vete aquí!"
I made my way to the living room, where my mother and father stood by the door, almost waiting for me.
"What's going on...?"
"Kevvy, sit down," my father took me by the arm and sat me down on the couch "Maria, bring some water"
"What's the matter..?" I repeated
"We got a call from your friend Connor last night."
"Okay..."
"He was ready to bring you to the hospital. He said you collapsed, when you woke up your rate was 260, and you were begging him not to call us.. why would you do that?"
"I.. I don't know.. I don't remember.."
"He told us what happened, we said to bring you home, it's happened once before... Kevin, you can't ignore these. You have to tell us."
"It.. It wasn't a big deal."
"He said you were terrified.. if you're not going to tell us when this happens, how are we supposed to let you go out on your own? You could have an event and we wouldn't have had any warning.. if we can't trust you to tell us when you're having events how can we count on you to be safe out there?"
"I'm sorry... I don't want to make a big deal out of it.. I don't want to scare Mami."
"She was pretty scared last night when your little friend called to say you passed out"
"I told him not to call.."
"That's worse, Kevin! Now we can't trust you!"
"You can trust me..."
"Things could have gone downhill very quickly! And we wouldn't have heard a word about it! What if you were alone? What if your friend wasn't there?"
"I...I don't know..."
"You can't just go around having episodes and not telling anyone, you'll get yourself killed!"
"I'm sorry..."
"..Kevin, you've got to start telling us these things."
"...okay. Okay, just... please don't m-make a big deal out of it, I don't want Mama to get upset.."
"She'll be less upset knowing that you'll tell her when something's wrong... she never knew with Thomas. Not knowing scares her much more, Kevin."
"...I didn't think of it like that"
"I know."
"Is... Is there anything else? I'm not f-feeling so good."
"Yes, actually. We have to take you in to the doctor's today."
"But I thought t-that I wasn't bad."
"It could have been worse. But it wasn't good.. it's the second one, they might be able to diagnose"
"Oh.."
"We have an appointment at eleven.. call your friend. He's worried about you."
"Okay..." i sighed and got back up
"Kevin.." he stopped me
"Yeah?"
"You're going to be fine"
"Thanks.. um... I'll call Connor.."
I spotted my bag on the floor beside the door and scooped it up, immediately rummaging through for my phone. When I found it, I already had three messages from him.
'I hope you're okay. You scared me last night' one read
'When you're feeling better I want to come visit you. I'll bake you something.' Said the next
'I know you're asleep now, which is a good thing, so I won't disturb you. Try to text me when you get a chance :) I hope you're okay.' Read the last
I went back to the guest room, not having enough energy to make it up the stairs to my own bedroom.
I dialed his number and sat on the bed as it rang.
"Kevin, is that you?" He picked up
"Yes.. um, yeah.."
"How are you feeling?"
"Better.. Better. M-My heart isn't beating two-hundred-sixty times per minute, which is much more comfortable" I chuckled nervously
"I bet.. look, I'm going to take over for the rest of the shows, you just have to stay home and recoup."
"No.. No, I have to finish these, it won't count otherwise."
"Just tell them what happened, I'm sure they'll understand"
"You're giving them too much credit.."
"Well you can't be pushing around sets, you never should've been in the first place"
"I don't know what to tell you."
"Okay.. you know what, you can sign in, and make yourself seen a few times to the cast.. maybe you can rest up in the light booth. I have it on a timer so there won't be anyone up there, it can just be you."
"That sounds pretty nice, actually."
"Good.. is there any time I could see you? I know I'm annoying, but I want to make sure you're okay"
"....why do you care so much?"
"Because.. you're my friend. I care about you.. that was really scary... do you not know what it's like to have friends care about you?"
"Not really, no.."
"What time can I visit?"
"I have an appointment at eleven.. could you come at one?"
"Sure.. yeah, that'll give me time to bring you something"
"Oh.. gee. Thank you..."
"Yeah... you don't sound so good..."
"The last thing I remember was having a panic attack on the floor of the school, thinking I might die, I'm not exactly in tip top shape."
"Yeah.. yeah, you weren't at your best.. you held my hand"
"Oh god.."
"No, No, I told you to! I just never expected that you would... It was nice.. it was like you trust me"
"I mean... you're my friend"
A brief silence on his end of the call filled me with dread. I'd never actually called him my friend before. I've always been too apprehensive to allow it to happen. But now, once I finally got it in me to let him know I care, he was silent. It wasn't a comforting feeling. Finally, the silence was broken by a soft, pleased, almost giddy "I am?"
"I mean... Yeah."
There was another silence on his end.
"..you're smiling like an idiot right now, aren't you?"
"Yeah..."
"Alright, well don't get all sappy.. I'll see you later, okay?"
"Okay.. bye, Best Friend"
"God I fucking hate you" I rolled my eyes and hung up
My mom brought the glass of water to the guest room
"Who was that?"
"Thank you" I took the glass "it was Connor.."
"Checking on you? He's sweet."
"Yeah.. he's pretty nice.."
"...he was pretty scared last night. He's a sweet little guy, he cares about you"
"Oh.."
"You'd better not hurt that kid"
"..what do you mean?"
"You're apprehensive. You're my son and I love you, but Mijo, you're reclusive, you're standoffish. You act like you don't like him."
"That's just how we are, it's not mean"
"You're like that with everyone... he seems sensitive"
"Then why would he keep hanging around?"
"He cares about you. Just... be nice to him. A friend like that doesn't come often. Don't break that little heart."
"...okay, Mami."
She left me to rest until my appointment. I'll admit, I was still feeling quite weak. I wanted little more than to just vent. To talk to somebody. I'd never had a true friend, I'd never had somebody I could talk to. The notion of opening up was foreign to me. Despite all that, I didn't know how much longer I could keep it all in. It's always been an issue of mine, I've always had a weird heart, I've always been a bit of a mystery to my doctors. It wasn't really a big deal. Then Thomas died. Suddenly, I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't have my brother. I got worse. Suddenly it wasn't just slight arrhythmia. It wasn't the occasional jump in pulse anymore. My parents think my condition had a lot to do with the loss of my brother, but I'm not so sure. I think it would've gotten worse on its own. But I do know one thing - that broke me. I withdrew. My grades went from the top of my class to the bottom, everything stopped. Suddenly, I was afraid. I was alone, I was sick, I was helpless. And I didn't have anyone to rely on, nobody to talk to. I had to keep it all inside.
It's not something I enjoy talking about. I avoid that vulnerability at all costs. But it's not something I can continue to ignore, not for long.
I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it all the time. Day after day, I'm stuck with myself. I'm stuck with this weight on my chest and nobody to confide in.
I pathologically isolate myself, I drive people away like it's my nature, yet somehow, at the same time, I long. At the same time, I feel lonely.. trapped in my own self-designed Hell.