[Ooh, fancy graphic. I made it a while ago but I figured that I might as well add it in at some point. I'll go back and add it to the rest of the chapters later. Probably.]
-/_\-
Shisui walked through the streets, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki at his side. One could immediately tell that from the look of pure rage on Naruto's face. Clearing his throat, Shisui tested the waters. "I can drop you off at your—"
"A cookie, Uchiha. You knocked me out because of a goddamn cookie. I don't need you walking me anywhere."
"I didn't mean to!" Shisui insisted. "And I activated my Sharingan to get other people to clean up the mess they made!"
"And why'd they make that mess?"
"Because you yelled something about killing heathens!"
Naruto stared at him expectantly. "And why did I yell that?"
"Because you have a stupid aversion to raisin cookies!"
"Who puts raisins in cookies!?" Naruto demanded. "You're crazy!"
"No, you're overreacting! Raisins have the perfect, natural sweetness that chocolate can never hope to replicate!"
"They're dried, shriveled up fruit! They have no business being in cookies—" A hand came down and gripped Naruto's shoulder, causing him and the Uchiha to blink, pausing their argument. Shisui then glanced at who the hand was attached to.
"Huh. Long time no see, Kakashi."
Kakashi nodded. "Same to you, Shisui." He then promptly picked Naruto up, said something about a mission, and jumped onto the roof of the nearby store.
Shisui sighed as he watched the two of them vanish off in the distance. So there he was, alone. He really, really needed better friends. Of course, that was when someone grabbed him and dragged him into the nearby narrow alley. "I don't know why you thought that was a good idea but—oh, hey, Itachi."
"Shh!" Itachi said. "Are you trying to give away our position!?"
"No, I'm trying to talk to you."
"Well, stop! Come with me, I need some help."
Shisui dearly wanted to know why Itachi needed help but Itachi had also told him that he needed to stay quiet, so he kept his mouth shut. An angry Itachi wasn't worth it—speaking of that, Itachi looked rather frazzled. Another question to ask when they arrived at wherever Itachi was taking him, he supposed. However, he didn't expect for that "wherever" to be an old abandoned sewage pipe. "Itachi, what's going on?"
Licking his lips, Itachi asked, "What would you think if, hypothetically, I told you that I murdered someone?"
"I'd be concerned that you are concerned because I thought you understood that it's part of your job description."
"What if, hypothetically, I had murdered two people?"
"Again, that's kind of your job."
"And what if those two people just happen to be Kayasuko Kagiyama and Danzo Shimura?"
"...hypothetically?" Itachi just fidgeted nervously and Shisui sighed. "I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say that you murdered two high profile members of Konoha's government."
"It was an accident!" Itachi insisted. "I didn't mean to!"
"Accidentally murdering Kayasuko makes sense, he was a civilian, but Danzo? One does not 'accidentally' murder Danzo Shimura." There was a bit of silence before Shisui said, "So, how'd you do it?"
"I don't know!" Itachi moaned. "I was drunk, okay?"
"That kind of makes sense. The first time you were drunk, you asked me out."
A look of absolute horror appeared on Itachi's face. "I did? Why didn't you tell me!?"
"I thought you would have remembered! You only had a sip of vodka and you even spit it out! And yet you still got tipsy. I didn't expect you to be such a lightweight!"
"You," Itachi hissed, "should not have let me out of your sight! I murdered two people, Shisui! I'm quite possibly among the most wanted men in Konoha right now!" He took a moment to violently kick the metal walls of the sewage pipe which did little more than scare away all the rats. "Even more, how come no one from ANBU told me about their deaths!? I'm a goddamn ANBU Captain! I need to be informed about this kind of thing! How else would I theoretically solve the murder and catch the perpetrator!? There is a system for a reason!"
"Stop it, Itachi, you're scaring the rats."
"Screw the rats! I'm just about ready to break down sobbing! My entire life was spent becoming the pride of Konohagakure and now I'm a wanted criminal with a price on my head!" He collapsed on the ground, his head hanging low. Then, slowly, he grabbed one of the rats and hugged it to his chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean it. I promise." The rat squealed and kicked and generally looked very unhappy with its current situation, but Itachi didn't seem to notice.
Shisui stared. "...right. So, you need my help to get out of Konoha before someone finds you?"
"I don't want to be a nuke-nin! I need your help to either solve this mess or cover it up. Preferably solve, but I'll take what I can get."
"You'll have to," Shisui said. "Even if you were drunk, you were still the one who murdered them. The law doesn't care about your lack of alcohol tolerance."
"Well, it should! I don't know what was going through my mind when I was drunk; not when I was killing them, and not when I was asking you out. No offense, but you're not my type! In fact, I'm not even gay! I'm straight! I didn't know that alcohol could change my sexuality—"
"It doesn't," Shisui said blankly. "Or, at least, it shouldn't. Itachi, do you remember anything after your first drink?"
Itachi squinted and looked off into space. "Not much after that man said something about Sakura starting a fight."
"And by 'not much' you mean..."
"I don't have any actual memories, just some random bare-bones facts floating around. After a while, even those went away. It was like I was stuck in my own head, drowning in a sea of black ink. It felt like a hand was holding me down and not letting me go. But then I woke up with a hangover and I was fine." He hugged the rat closer to himself.
"This is way too dark for a crack-fic."
"Yeah, I know, but plot."
Shisui sighed. "Yeah, plot."
-/_\-
"So, you want a C-rank?" Hiruzen Sarutobi asked.
Kakashi nodded brightly, Sasuke and Sakura to his left and Naruto standing his right—he was tied up with a rope, a piece of duct tape covering his mouth, and he glared at Kakashi with red eyes. "Mmmnnmnhhm!" he said.
"Ignore him. He's in a bad mood."
"I see." Hiruzen squinted his eyes at them, then looked down at their files. "Well, you qualify, so I don't see why not."
At that, Naruto started to jerk around violently. "Mhmhnnnmhhh!"
Iruka, who seemed completely unfazed by the situation, said, "No, I actually think that this is a great opportunity to learn something."
"Mnmhnm!"
"You're probably overreacting. The last time you said that you heard voices in your head, it just turned out to be some stalkers. I'm sure nothing's wrong."
"Mhn!"
"Well, your two teammates and your sensei want to go, so you're outnumbered!" Iruka said cheerfully.
"Indeed," Hiruzen muttered. "Iruka, hand me a C-rank for them."
"Of course," he said, "here's the first one!"
Hiruzen took it, smiling, but the smile melted off his face as soon as he read it. "How about you hand me the second one?"
"This is the only C-rank, Sir."
Hiruzen looked up at Kakashi. "Are you sure that you want one right now? I'm sure that there will be plenty open tomorrow—"
"Give us the C-rank, Lord Third."
Hiruzen grit his teeth, as if trying to gather the courage to do something, but then sighed in defeat. "Tazuna!" he called. "Come on in!"
The door slammed open and a man stumbled inside. His clothes were shredded and stained with—wait, was that blood!? Sasuke, somewhat concerned, asked, "Uh, Sir, are you okay?"
The old man looked up, face blank, then said, "I'm fine."
"But your shirt is covered in blood—"
"It's ketchup."
"It's clearly—"
"It's ketchup. Do you want a taste?"
"No."
"Then why are you interested in my shirt?"
"It looks like it was torn up by blades."
"It's a fashion statement."
"But—"
"Please shut up now." He was drenched in sweat, but he stood up straight, barely panting. "Lord Hokage, I—"
"Ah, yes, Team Seven, you will be escorting this man back to wave." The Third's face was set into a rather strained smile. "Right, Tazuna?"
"...yes," he said, vaguely confused. Then, his eyes widened and he repeated, now louder, "Yes! That is why I am here! So that you can take me to Wave, my homeland! Because I am a...bridge-builder? Yes, a bridge-builder!" He laughed jauntily. "Oh, don't mind me, I just happen to be drunk."
When everyone in the room was facing Tazuna, Hiruzen wildly waved his hands, mouthing, "More!"
"I mean, I happen to be very drunk." Hiruzen nodded and Tazuna followed along. "Indeed, I love drinking! In fact, I'm the town drunk! I once sold my own son for some liquor." Hiruzen frantically shook his head. Eyes wide, Tazuna yelled, "Ha! A joke! That was a joke! I am very funny, I assure you!"
Silence reigned over the room until Hiruzen cleared his throat. "Right, well, you'll be escorting this man back to Wave and staying there until he finishes his bridge. And stop him from drinking."
"Now, let's not get too—"
"Do you accept?"
Kakashi immediately nodded. "Yep!"
At this point, Naruto was desperately trying to wriggle out of his confines, all the while staring at Tazuna like he was a madman. The old man just laughed heartily. "I'm sure that Na—er, the little blond boy and I will get along famously!"
Naruto let out something that sounded like a pained scream, but it was too muffled for anyone to tell.
-/_\-
"Well," Jiraiya said, "the seal is very complicated."
"Yeah," Mikoto muttered, "you've already said that."
Jiraiya frowned. "That's because it is. I'm surprised that anyone was able to decode with without a master sealer on hand. Who was the doctor assigned to this case?"
"Hosho Abe."
"Well, that makes sense. He might not be a master, but his parents certainly were. He has so much potential, it's truly sad that he decided to go into the medical field instead of the sealing arts."
"I'm not inherently better at sealing than anyone else," another voice broke in, "I was just taught by some extraordinarily good people. Medicine was always my calling." Hosho gave them a strained smile. "It's a pleasure to see you again, Master Jiraiya."
"Same here, Hosho."
Mikoto glanced between the two. While Hosho was obviously not very excited to see the Sannin, the Toad Sage seemed absolutely oblivious. "How about you tell us what exactly that seal is doing?"
"Well, her sight is compromised, but so is her hearing. That's it, though."
Hosho considered. "So, is this information sent through a sealing system to its counterpart elsewhere?"
"That's what I'm assuming as of current. Like I said, it's really complex and I've only got the basics of it down. Give me three days, I'll be able to deconstruct it and maybe make a counterseal." He sighed. "Why did Orochimaru have to be smart and tattoo it onto her? If he had just used normal sealing ink, we could wash it off!"
"About that, what's the difference between using normal ink and sealing ink?" Mikoto asked.
"Sealing ink is much better at conducting chakra, which is an essential part of seals. However, it's not as easy to do fast writing with. Normal ink is, and that's what most people use. Originally, all ink was chakra-conductive but it wasn't that efficient for matters that didn't involve chakra."
"Hm, that's interesting."
"Not as interesting as Naya's seal, though. It's horrible and invasive, but it is truly a masterpiece."
"Yeah," Mikoto agreed. "Orochimaru is a monster, but he's still among the greatest minds of our generation."
"How about we stop complimenting wanted criminals and actually get back to the matter at hand?" Hosho asked.
"Of course. I'll be working on completely decoding the seal and making the counter."
"And do you know why Orochimaru put that seal on her? I mean, it has to have something to do with the poison that was thrown in the Ha River—"
"What makes you say that?" Jiraiya asked, leaning back. "This could just be another one of Orochimaru's plans to spy on us. He's done enough of those before—"
"Yes," Hosho agreed, "but I had a friend do some digging on the drug that was in the river and she found a similar drug that was being developed in Kuso. It was halted due to various circumstances...but I've heard rumors that Kuso is where Orochimaru has set up base. So, either this is all just a coincidence—"
"Or Orochimaru is planning something."
There was a small bit of silence before Mikoto sighed. "Well, you two can chuck around more conspiracy theories. Meanwhile, I've got a little girl to help comfort."
"I don't think she needs much comforting," Hosho muttered. "I'm telling you, with all the horrifyingly gory stories she comes up with, she definitely needs to see a therapist."
Both Mikoto and Jiraya stared at him, confused. "What do you mean? That's perfectly normal, isn't it? Sure, my husband and children don't do it, but most shinobi children—"
"Get out before you infect me with your stupidity."
-/_\-
Meanwhile in a place that didn't look like Hell (despite being in it):
"So," Minato said, squinting at Mizuki's trembling form, "he's half-demon?"
The Shinigami snorted. "Obviously. He doesn't even have a face! It's like I'm the only one around here who isn't blind."
"No face, huh?" Minato muttered. "How interesting."
Mizuki just continued to tremble. The Fourth Hokage was the Leaf's hero, and Mizuki did not know how to deal with sitting in front of the man whose son he had tried to murder. No, Mizuki hastily assured himself, it was the Kyuubi. He was killing the Kyuubi. He definitely still believed that. It's not like he thought that the stupid blond brat was actually a person—Goddammit, now is not the time to grow a moral compass. And, with that, whatever sense of morality that had started to grow in Mizuki's chest died a horrible, agonizing death. Ah, that's better. "Yep," Mizuki agreed, doing his best to hide his trembling. "Definitely interesting."
"Izanami is a bit preoccupied at the moment, so this little person will be staying with us until I officially get him an appointment with her," the Shinigami said to Minato.
"He can become a full-blown citizen then, huh? Even if he committed crimes in the living world?"
"If he did commit any crimes, he'll be tried as a citizen. You know this, Minato." The Shinigami sighed and stood up. "I need to get back to work, but you two can get to know each other. Knowing Izanami, he'll be staying here for a while."
Minato whirled around, eyes wide as the God of Death started to light up. "Wait, don't forget to pay the—" the Shinigami disappeared, "—water bill." He frowned. "Damned Death God never remembers to do anything. His poor eyesight is bad enough."
"Y-Yeah," Mizuki muttered. "His eyesight is pretty—"
"Oh, you're not off the hook yet," Minato snapped. "Why didn't you tell him that you, you know, have a face?"
Mizuki swallowed. "Sir, he was my ticket out of eternal damnation—"
"It wasn't eternal, and you lied. First impressions are important and you, Mizuki Saito, did not make a very good one." The Fourth Hokage crossed his arms, eyes scanning his forehead. "Konoha Shinobi, huh? Did the standards for integrity really wane that much?"
No, they had not, and Mizuki used to have to kiss up to all those insufferable morons because of it. "Lord Fourth, will all due respect, why didn't you tell him anything?"
The blond grit his teeth. "It isn't my place. It's your job to make sure that you're not being an indecent person. I can still judge you, though, and believe me, I am."
Mizuki frowned. "You can't just—"
"Also, I don't really like you."
It was so frank that Mizuki actually flinched. "W-What?"
"I said I don't like you. I don't know why, but it's just my gut instinct, and I've come to trust my gut instinct."
And, well, Mizuki could at least relate a bit—for a Shinobi, the gut instinct was a very important thing. Still, he found the idea that the Fourth Hokage, the man who managed to seal the nine-tailed abomination, hated him to be rather frightening. So, after mustering up some courage, he said, "But you shouldn't judge a book by its cover."
"I'm sorry, but if a book cover has two half-naked people in a very explicit position, I will be judging it very much. You are much the same, except if you were a book, your cover would be comprised of a fat old man bullying little children."
And, well, fair enough.
"Now you're just being mean," Mizuki snapped, knowing that most people probably wouldn't find a comparison like that fitting. "I served Konoha until my last breath!" It was a filthy lie, but sacrifices had to be made. "I'm a proud Shinobi and—"
"Quiet."
"Hey, don't interrupt me while I'm trying to defend myself!"
"Shh!" Minato said, his finger held up to his lips. However, there was no look of annoyance on his face. Instead, the blond was glancing at the window. "...do you hear that?"
"What?"
Minato slowly inched toward the window, motioning Mizuki to follow him. The two peered out into the streets below. Mizuki's eyes widened as he saw masses of people clumped into the streets, screaming and running over each other as the weather changed from rain to sunshine to a blizzard. "What's going on?"
Minato looked grim. "A riot, from the looks of it. Probably because the damned Death God ruined the weather cycle so much."
"Can't Queen Izanami do anything about it?"
"She definitely can, but she probably hasn't even noticed it yet. Judging from the way that the Shinigami was talking about her, she must be throwing another tantrum about her husband." He turned and walked toward the door.
Mizuki blinked. "What are you doing?"
"Going outside to try and do damage control. Some of them could get seriously hurt. Come on."
"What? No! I can't just—"
"You're a Konoha Shinobi, yes? Then shouldn't you listen to your Hokage?"
Mizuki scowled. "You're dead!"
"So are you."
"Are we even allowed outside?"
"Well, I'm registered as a human soul that's technically being eternally tortured under the Shinigami. He applied for me to have regular breaks."
"And me?"
Minato tilted his head to the side, deep in thought, then suddenly gave a dazzling smile that would make an angel swoon. "Just tell them you're a Noppera-bo. The lack of a face will definitely back you up!"
And that was when Mizuki realized that the Fourth Hokage was a sadist. But hey, great minds think alike.
-/_\-
Meanwhile in a place that's between the worlds of the living and the dead (and it's horribly bland):
The Shinigami sighed. It took a checklist out of its pocket, then checked off another soul, and then looked down at the rest of the list. The God of Death instantly regretted it. The list of souls to harvest was already horrifyingly long, and it grew two souls longer every second. Those poor, pathetic little humans. They'd have to wait for it to get to them, and then they'd have to wait to get sorted into Heaven and Hell, and then most of them would be spending a great deal of time in not-so-eternal damnation. It almost made the Shinigami feel sorry for them. Almost.
It put the list away and readied itself for the journey to the next soul, but suddenly there was a pulling in every fiber of its being. A twisting, gnawing, anxiety-inducing feeling that it had not felt in a very long time. Dread pooled in its stomach. Here we go again.
In a flash, the Death God found itself teleported from the dreadfully boring—though wonderfully peaceful—realm between realities to a stingy little building with a view of a mountain that was horribly familiar. The building itself was old and decaying, and the distinct smell of cup ramen drafted down from the apartment above it. The scent of blood almost entirely overwhelmed it, though.
And that's when the Shinigami locked eyes with its summoner. She was a small child covered in blood, though her blonde hair and blue eyes were clearly visible. Most striking of all was her clothes which were a deep, dark purple. The Shinigami grinned. "Who dares," it thundered, pulling itself up to its full height, "summon death itself using such ancient arts?"
The girl smiled. "I'm Ino Yamanaka, and you're my new patron."
-/_\-
Suyo despondently fiddled with a stick as he watched the front gates of Konohagakure. The guards didn't seem to notice him and he probably should have been concerned about the massive security risk, but at that moment he was more relieved than anything. At least he could be near the same city as Sakura, even if he wasn't actually near her. Next to his feet, Michi paced around. "Are you sure that you don't want to stay with my family? I'm sure that they'd love to shelter us!"
Suyo sighed. "How would I communicate with them?"
"I'll be your translator until you can understand Molish! While it's considered to be the hardest language for native Human-speak speakers to learn, I think that you'll get it in no time—"
"I'm not going to be a mole for the rest of my life, Michi."
"Why not?" he asked. "Being a mole isn't bad! Sure, our eyesight isn't as good as a human's, but the tunnels are dark, anyway. Your eyes won't do you much good." He suddenly paused, craning his neck up toward Suyo's face. "Wait, do you think humans are superior to moles? Because if so, I've got news for you, pal—"
Suyo hastily cut him off. "I never said that! I just don't think that I could adjust to life as a mole very well! Keeping up a Henge for that long would be exhausting!"
Michi suddenly transformed back into a human, making Suyo jump a few feet back. Michi smiled weakly. "You know, that was the same thing that I thought when I first considered running away and disguising myself as a human. Sure, the chakra toll is taxing, but it really helps your reserves. Like, mine are huge now!" He straightened himself. "I saw an opportunity and I took it, and those few weeks where I wasn't homeless were the best weeks of my life. Don't be afraid, Suyo."
Suyo just stared blankly. "I'm not going to become a mole, and that's final. I'm going to clear our names and then we can both go back to Lady Sakura and continue serving her. You said those were the best weeks of your life. Don't you want them back?"
"Yeah, but how likely is it that we'll get them back?"
Suyo turned back toward the gate. "Very good, actually, as long as we take one thing for granted."
"And what is that one thing?"
"That they find the real mole." Michi raised an eyebrow, and then Suyo corrected himself. "Sorry, the spy."
"Well," the mole in disguise muttered, "if that's what you want, why don't we go and find the spy ourselves?"
"As if. Lady Sakura probably has her men looking everywhere for us, never mind the fact that I'm probably already flagged by the government for suspicious activity. It was hard enough getting out of there. If I go back inside those walls, I'll definitely be caught, which would probably delay the investigations into the spy situation. Right now, our best option is to wait it out."
"...that's it? No wacky adventures? No sneaking to the Land of Hotsprings and having the time of our lives? We're just waiting outside these gates?"
"Yes, unless you have a better idea."
"Actually, I do." Michi pointed to the gates that Suyo had once again stopped monitoring. "Why don't we follow Lady Sakura?"
Suyo blinked. "What?"
"Well, she's at the gate with her team and an old man—"
"She's on a mission!" Suyo exclaimed, eyes wide. "If we follow her, we can still at least protect her! You're brilliant, Michi!"
Michi grinned. "Why thank you!"
"I wonder why Naruto is tied up, though..."
-/_\-
Naruto was having a bad day. Not only was he knocked unconscious because of that goddamn Uchiha and his stupid Sharingan, but he was also kidnapped by his own teacher and then tied up and gagged. Not even Iruka-sensei seemed to realize that his situation was "not good," to put it mildly.
"Now you know how it feels," a dark voice chuckled. Oh, right, and he had a voice in his head that just would not shut up. "I've been here forever, you featherless chicken. It's just that now you can hear me."
Naruto once again jerked frantically at his restraints, only causing Kakashi to glare at him. "Calm down, Naruto. If you had been a good little Genin like Pinky and Ducky then maybe I wouldn't have had to tie you up." Naruto snarled, his already dark whisker marks going even darker.
Naruto was not sorry but, in his defense, it's hard not to panic when you hear the voice of a horrifying monster talking inside your head! "You're overreacting." And it wouldn't shut up! "How sad, the little chicken is angry. You're almost cute when you're like that, you know?"
The Kyuubi was enjoying this way too much.
Sasuke sighed. "Sensei, do you really have to keep him tied up?"
"Yeah," Sakura agreed, "I'm sure that Naruto would calm down if you just promised to release him!" Her eyes then slid to said blond. "Right?"
With all of the Kyuubi's chakra coursing through his veins, not to mention the possibly dangerous levels of adrenalin, Naruto's first instinct was to lash out at everything that even looked at him the wrong way, but then his self-preservation skills kicked in and, after taking a deep breath, his eyes faded from red to purple to blue. His teeth and claws melted away and his whisker marks were no longer as prominent. His eyes still stayed in their glaring, slitted form, though, but it seemed to be enough to satisfy Kakashi.
In less than a second, all of Naruto's restraints vanished, and the Kyuubi let out a sad sigh. "Well, I suppose that the fun is over."
Ignoring the beast, Naruto instead whirled around to their client and yelled, "What are you hiding!?"
Tazuna stared blankly and, for a second, blinding rage flashed through those dark eyes. Then comically fake confusion fell over them. "What are you talking about?"
"Your clothes are still bloody and cut up!"
"It's a fashion statement."
"No, it's not!" Naruto snapped. He turned to Sakura. "That's not fashion, right!?"
Sakura frowned. "Let him express himself in whatever way he wants, Naruto. This is a free country."
"No!" Naruto hissed. "This is an autocratic ninja society inside a country that is a monarchy! What part of any of that is 'free'!?"
"You're just jealous because you couldn't pull that off!"
Naruto looked around in disbelief, but it had become abundantly clear that he was the only one who seemed to get the absurdity of the situation. So, he swiped the travel bag that Kakashi had packed for him out of his sensei's hand and gritted out, "Fine. Let's go."
And so Team Seven's journey began.
-/_\-
This time it only took me two months, not five. I swear, guys, I'm cutting down on my update time. One day, this fic will be updated on a constant schedule! Lmao, that'd be something.
I'm having way too much fun writing Mizuki's sections. Idk I was already planning on giving him a redemption thing, but I did not expect for him to come this far. Also, Minato berating him, and Mizuki's reactions, were really fun to write. I hope that they entertained you as much as they entertained me!
Until next time, this is SSSRHA2, signing out!
[Also, I just realized that the formatting was all messed up, so I fixed it]