The silence grows thicker in the kitchen. I can feel Josh looking at me, growing impatient by the second.
I finally turn to look at him. "I forgive you, Josh," I say softly and my heart breaks a little when I see hope in his eyes. "But that doesn't mean that we can just go back to how we were before."
He winces as if he were in pain. "Ah," he says, nodding then his eyes search for mine. "Am I too late, Natalie?" he asks quietly as if he's afraid to hear the answer.
A tear rolls down my cheek and I clean it away quickly but don't say anything.
"If you want me to leave and you never want to see me again, then that's what I'll do even if I'm miserable for the rest of my life." He pauses. "But if by some miracle, you still love me then let me fight for you."
"I waited for you, Josh," I say to him. "I waited for almost a year and you show up the moment I decide to move on. It's not fair." I shake my head.
He reaches out to touch me but I pull back and shake my head at him. He looks sad but let's his hand drop. "I'll never forgive myself for letting you go," He says mostly talking to himself.
"What changed?" I ask him. "What made you come here?"
"Brad changed," he says. "He told me that I should look for you if I loved you."
I frown. "Brad said that?"
He nods. "He's been seeing a therapist. I think it's really helped him. He's been sober for a few months now and yesterday-he came to talk to me. He asked me to tell you how sorry he is about everything. He let you go."
I think about his words for a moment. Brad finally let me go. After all this time, all this pain, he finally let me go. I'm happy for him, I really am, but how selfish of him to wait all this time to speak to Josh. He could have saved us a whole lot of time and pain. Now, it might be too late for Josh and I.
"I'm glad you guys mended your relationship," I say. "I know how important that was to you."
"Yes, it was but now I'm terrified that it's going to cost me you."
I look away and clean another tear that escapes from my eye. "The day that you let me go," I say slowly. "You broke me."
He winces. "Please don't say that."
"It's the truth." I tell him. "I've never gone through heartbreak like that, Josh. I've never been that broken. I need you to understand why I'm not running into your arms right now." I meet his eyes. "I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'll be dammed if I let you hurt me like that again."
"I won't." He tells me with desperation in his voice. "I know there's nothing I can say to mend your broken heart right now but give me the chance to fix things, Natalie," he says leaning into me.
I look away again, feeling emotionally drained. I just want to go upstairs to my room and hide under the covers.
"Tell me something," he says and I turn to look at him. "Do you still love me?" His brown eyes sparkle but they look sad.
I gulp the knot in my throat. I almost want to roll my eyes. "You know I still do and that's the problem, Josh. I'm trying to keep some of my dignity here. I can't just get back together with you like nothing happened. I'm terrified of you touching me because I know exactly how my body is going to react. This isn't fair. I'm fighting a battle with myself."
"I won't touch you then." He promises. "Just don't ask me to leave you without giving me a chance to fight for you."
"What does that even mean?" I ask turning to look at him.
He looks into my eyes. "It means that I love you and there is nothing I want more in this world than to have you by my side. I know I screwed up. I shouldn't have let you go. I'm sorry. All I ask is for a chance to fight for you, to fight for our love. Give me a chance, Natalie. Please."
I shake my head. "Josh, my life is here now. I have my career here in Newport. I'm not sure you-"
"Just give me the permission to see you." He interrupts. "Let me worry about the distance."
Give me the permission to see you.
God. He's making it so hard for me to stay angry at him.
"What am I supposed to do? Date two men at the same time?" I ask, obviously being sarcastic.
"Yes. Tell him he has competition," Josh says without hesitating. "I'll tell him myself if you want me to."
I frown. "You're being serious?"
He tries to reach for me again but he catches himself and drops his hand. "Yes. Let me earn your love. At the end of this, if you decide to stay with him then I'll find a way to accept it but at least I'll know I did everything I could to fix what I broke."
I shake my head. "You're crazy."
"I'm desperate." He corrects me.
We look at each other for a moment. I think about what he just said. He wants a second chance to fight for me. He's so romantic. It makes me want to cry. I'm angry at him and yes, I want to make him understand how I felt when he broke up with me. It might be a bit out of spite but I also need to learn how to trust him again. He let me go so easily the first time what is there to say he won't do it again? I don't think I could survive another heartbreak by Josh. I won't put myself in the position to go through that again.
I know that I can have something real with Ezra. Yes, we're just getting to know each other but I know he's a good person with a kind heart. What else would you want in a guy? Before Josh showed up on my doorstep, I had every intention of giving Ezra a real chance. He was persistent and what girl doesn't love it when a guy works hard for a yes? He could have given up but he didn't. It would be a clean slate with him. No painful heartbreak. No tears to stain our past. The problem is that Ezra is not Josh.
I love Josh. My heart belongs to him. It's still his.
I don't know what to do. I'm angry at Josh but I don't want him out of my life. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't know. All this thinking is making my head hurt.
"I made the mistake of not fighting for you when you started dating my brother," Josh says softly when I don't say anything. "Then I made the mistake of letting you go. I know why you don't trust me, Natalie. But please, give me a second chance. I won't touch you unless you want to. Let me take you out on a real date. Let me remind you how happy you can be with me."
"And you'd be okay with me seeing Ezra at the same time?" I ask him.
I don't know if Ezra would be up to it but something tells me he won't give up that easily. I've never dated two guys at the same time. Is this the new dating? Probably not.
"I don't mind a little competition," Josh says then he lowers his gaze. "As long as he doesn't get to touch you either."
I almost smile. There's always been something sexy about Josh when he's jealous. It flatters me to think that a man so handsome and attractive like him would feel something as strong as jealousy towards me. Jeez. We haven't even started this and I can already feel myself giving into him. I have to stay strong. I have to have some dignity.
"I'm not sleeping with Ezra." I tell him and he raises his gaze to meet mine. "Tonight was our first date." I explain. If we're going to do this then I feel that I should be honest.
Josh tries to hide his relief but I see his shoulders relax. "How did you meet him?" he asks carefully.
I take a sip of the coffee, feeling a little more relaxed. "He's the uncle of one of the students in my class."
He nods slowly then he offers me a small smile. "You actually did it, didn't you? You became a teacher."
I shrug. "I'm not a teacher, yet. It'll happen next year, hopefully."
"Still. You should feel proud of yourself. I know I am."
I half smile because he was the only person I wanted to share this with and I finally am. "I am. It feels good to be passionate about something."
He smiles. "I'm glad you feel that way."
"What about you?" I ask him. "Besides getting tattoos, what have you been up to?"
He chuckles and I can see him relaxing as well. "Nothing else. It's just gym and work, really."
I nod. "I run every morning on the beach."
"You do?"
"The tone of surprise is a bit insulting." I tease and he smiles. "Leave it to Crystal to get me into running. It's served as a really good distraction."
His smile fades. "I'm sorry for causing you pain, Natalie."
"How many times are you going to apologize for?"
"As many times as it takes for you to come back to me."
His eyes are so intense, I have to look away. "You don't just tell someone you're sorry. You show them," I say softly.
"And that's what I'm going to do." He promises.
I don't say anything for a moment. "Are you staying in Newport? I'm sorry, I'm a bit tired."
He begins to stand up. "I do work tomorrow so I cant't stay tonight. I'll get going and let you rest."
I stand up with him. "Okay."
He looks at me. "Can I ask you a favor?"
I raise my eyebrows. "Yeah?"
"Would you unblock my number so I can call you?"
I smile sheepishly. "Right. Yes. I'll do it right now," I say reaching for my phone. "Done." I tell him a moment later.
"Great. Thank you." We walk to the front door. He opens it and steps outside. The porch light illuminates his handsome face making it impossible for me to look away. "And thank you for listening to me and giving me a chance to win you back. You won't regret it."
I want to smile but I don't want to give him false hope. I have no idea where we're going to end up with this. I can't promise that we'll end up together. Maybe we're meant to be just friends. Maybe our love is too much for this world.
"Goodnight, Josh, drive safe."
"I will," he says. His eyes travel down to my lips for a second before nodding and turning around.
I close the front door and take a deep breath. That wasn't an easy conversation but it didn't end as bad as it could have. I guess I didn't expect Josh to ask me for a second chance. I think I expected him to give up, to walk out the door and never come back. He told me he wants to fight for me, fight for us. I'm hesitant but I want to believe that maybe this is our last chance. This is our last shot. There are no secrets this time. We can actually date without having to worry about hiding it from everyone. It's different. I want to believe it's different. And then I think about Ezra and how easy things would be with him. What if he's the one I'm supposed to be with? What if all of this had to happen to meet Ezra? And then there's the flip side. What if Josh and I had to go through all of this to be together?
I feel so confused and conflicted with myself.
I've had enough for today. I know I'm not going to answer any of these questions tonight. There's nothing I can do. So I lock the door and head upstairs to my room where I undress and get under the covers and let sleep overtake me.
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