"Go lay down, come on." I clapped my hands and Lexa panted heavily as she immediately laid down on the cool wooden floors.
I dropped the leash on the couch just to walk upstairs with my legs aching from miles of running and walking of today. Luckily Lexa was still young and vibrant and kept up with me. I walked into the room expecting to see my fiancée laying in bed but she was nowhere to be seen. I didn't know if I was happy or disappointed so I just walked into the bathroom to shower.
Stripping all my clothes off just to turn on the shower and let my body be rained down by the warm water. I sighed out in satisfaction feeling almost immediately relaxed from the water hitting my skin. It was as if I had forgotten everything. I was just me. I was tired of drama and feeling insecure. I just wanted to escape my head for a minute, be someone else. Just for a minute.
I heard the bathroom door creek open and ignored the presence in the room. I heard the door open and slender felt arms wrap around me with a big belly blocking the way. I kept my eyes closed as I let her hold me and her lips pressed against my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." She apologized and it was as if nothing ever happened.
I shook my head feeling my heart clench to dear life as Amber gave me a new range of questions. Bad thoughts just bouncing freely at this point.
"Where's Adrianna?" I questioned and she kept her forehead on my shoulder.
"Asleep." She answered simply and I grabbed the body wash ignoring her touch.
I then lightly pressed onto her arms to get her off of me and lathered my body in soap to wash myself off. She then sighed out shakily indicating she was gonna start to cry.
"Please... I don't wanna fight, not about this." She whispered and I could practically see the tears.
"Do you ever wish I never came up to you in that bar?" I asked suddenly since I was aching for me not to ask it since Amber brought it up.
"Do you think it would've been better with Shawn? Would you cheat on him?" I asked again not daring to turn around and look her in the eyes.
But she did anyway, she turned me around with the most confused look on her face. She quickly grabbed my cheeks as her eyes showed nothing but worry.
"Baby, no, I literally don't ever think like that. I've never thought about that at all." She cradled my head and suddenly huffed.
"Why would you think that? Y/NN?" She asked me and I clenched my jaw as I stood my ground.
"Enough with this, right now. Don't you ever think like this again. I would never in my life trade you for someone else. I don't care who they are, you are you and you're my only one. How many times do I have to say that?"
"As many times til I forget about all the shit you've ever done behind my back." I huffed and she quickly stepped back.
"Wait, what?" She exasperated and then shook her head.
"What have I done to make me less worthy of your trust?" She quickly snapped and I just turned back around ready to turn off the shower.
"Oh I don't know, let's just flirt with my ex girlfriend for weeks and when I finally get into a big fight with my girlfriend I'll sleep over at her hotel room. Yeah, get it in real good. Maybe flirt and date a British guy while I'm at it in Cancun because that's the only day my girlfriend won't be around. Oh? Another duet with Shawn knowing he's in love with me and fans need us to be together for clout and sales?? Just no biggie."
"Tell me! Tell me how it's not okay for Erica to cheat on me but it's okay for you to do it! More than once!" I spat and turned off the water to get out of the shower.
"Where the hell is this coming from?!" Camila suddenly bursted and I could see how she didn't know what to do.
"I've only ever been with Lauren and it was the biggest mistake of my life, Y/N! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I made you feel this way!" She got out as I was freshly slipping on a pair of underwear.
"Y/N-"
"No, just stop. You never tell me shit. I'm always the one to find out on my own. If it wasn't for me showing up in London would I have ever found out about Matthew?! Would he still be texting you right now?" I angrily spoke and she just shook her head at me.
"If you just listened."
"Listen? Listen?! I'm here, Camila! I've always been here!"
"If you didn't get so damn jealous-"
"Fuck that!" I stood up to grab my bra and she quickly grabbed my hand.
"Y/NN.." She pleaded with tears in her eyes but I didn't know what she wanted.
My brain was fucked with all the shit Amber said.
"I'm jealous because I'm finding out after shit happened. I'm jealous because you didn't give me a choice. I'm jealous because nothing I do seems to be good enough!" I loudly spoke and suddenly I felt so overwhelmed and I gulped.
"Nothing I do is good enough!" I gasped feeling tears spring to my eyes when everything at once hit me.
Every little thing in my past just fucking hit me like a goddamn bus all because Amber wanted to open her fucking mouth.
"I've never been just good enough!"
"Baby." She whispered as I breathed in quickly feeling dizzy.
"First m-my dad! He didn't want me this way. Fuck, I didn't want me this way! I-I couldn't even keep up with my first relationship, can't even be a good parent because she fucking miscarried! She miscarried and I didn't even know! S-She fucking ripped us apart because I took the first tear damnit! I-I-I couldn't keep her." I broke like a dam and she quickly clutched onto me to make sure she was holding me securely.
"I can't even keep you." I sobbed against her shoulder as she held me tightly.
"I can't even keep you." I repeated but much softer and cried feeling absolutely freaked.
I felt so weird and helpless as she ran her hands through my hair while she straddled my lap.
"I just wanna be good." I shakily croaked out and she tightened her arms around me.
"You... you are more than good. You're perfect for me, Y/NN." She whispered and I just shook my head as she cradled my head.
"But I'm not."
"Y/NN." She whispered but I just shook my head again burying my face into her neck.
At that she didn't say anything else she just let me cry and I expressed whatever that's ever hurt me. I didn't want this. I really didn't like this. Closing my eyes just to see his fucking face, hammering down on me, I cried heavily thinking of all the nights my mother cried herself to sleep. Reimagining it was so damn painful.
"Why'd he do that to me?" I sobbed and I felt her silently sob as she clung to me.
"I don't know, baby." She whispered shakily and I squeezed my eyes shut.
"We were good. We were all good. What'd I do?" I choked on a sob and she kept still against my body not caring if she was naked.
"I had to've drove Erica away. Why wouldn't she tell me and let me take care of her?! But no, she had to fuck a guy. I was probably annoying and she got tired of me like everyone does. You've felt it once, you'll feel it again." I whispered through my cries and she sighed deeply.
"No, baby... nothing you did was the wrong thing. Things happen, Y/N and I promise you it's not like what you're thinking." She whispered as she stroked my hair and I hiccuped
"It's not as bad as it seems, you just need a little more communication. No matter..." She stopped to wipe her eyes and gulp down a cry, "No matter what you do or say I will always love you until I die. I love you to the death of me Y/N. I love you so much and I would never in my life do anything to jeopardize our marriage."
She quickly pulled my head up to look me in my eyes and cradled my head.
"Do you hear me? Look at me. No matter how many people love you or love me, you are my number one. You keep me up at night when I'm alone because you're so fucking good. You're more than good enough. If anything I'm not and I will never be because you've showed me how to truly love and I've showed you even more demons and insecurities. No matter... who comes into our lives there will be no one that ever compares to you. If you leave now I'll never be over you and I'll still fight for you."
Her cries were getting deeper and my heart ached all together while I snaked my arms around her waist... well tried to anyway.
"You're right, I should've told you about the stupid project with him. But I didn't want you to get jealous-"
"I get jealous because it's kept from me like some sort of fucking nasty secret."
"I know! I know and I'm telling you I'm wrong for that. I won't do that ever again."
"You said that when Matthew messaged your phone." I scoffed and she closed her eyes as she gripped my shirt.
"What do you want me to do, Y/N? There's nothing I can say here to change what I've done. But I'm trying, Y/NN, I said I'd make it up to you for the rest of my life without regrets because you are everything to me. You and our own family is literally all I've ever truly wanted."
"I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million more. You are the only one I will ever wanna spend my life with." She whispered as her hands cradled my face and her eyes stared into my soul.
"Now please... please." She pleaded for something and I felt my eyebrows furrow.
"What?" My voice cracked from the crying and she sniffled deeply.
"Just stay with me and love me because I promise, I promise that I will do nothing but that. I will love you until I'm six feet in the ground and we become ghosts dancing around the people we should've never cared about in the first place." She tugged on my ears like she only does and looked at me with the most sorrowful look in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, for everything that's ever happened to you. For adding onto the shit you have to deal with. But I promise I'd never do that to you again, ever."
"I'm scared to lose you." I whispered and she tilted her head slightly.
"I've always ran away from things I didn't wanna face and you're the only person I haven't run away from. It's scary, no matter how old we get. There's always that chance and I don't like it." I looked away avoiding her stare and cleared my throat when I felt a huge lump.
"Look at me." She softly lifted up my chin again, "Do you love me?" She whispered with teary eyes and I nodded feeling my emotions come back.
"More than you'll ever know." I shakily let out and she sniffled as she tugged my ears again.
"Then just keep on holding onto that because I will never stop wether or not your brain says otherwise." She ran her manicured nails up the back of my neck softly.
"Can I kiss you now?" She asked me and I didn't answer I just leaned up slightly.
I felt really weak and she quickly understood that and ever so softly kissed my lips. I tasted the salt against our lips and broke it just to look down between us. Her head resting on top of mine as I felt a tear fall.
"When is it coming out?"
"Officially the twenty first but the tease comes out on the nineteenth." She informed me and I nodded.
I didn't once make eye contact and she stayed silent understanding my uneasiness.
"You kiss?" I asked and she remained silent but the air became thick.
I looked up at her and she gave me just a sigh as she looked at me with those eyes.
"The video was shot before I was pregnant." She gave me a piece of information but wasn't the answer to my question.
"Did you two kiss?"
At that she looked me in the eyes and when she opened her mouth the door swung open.
"Mama?" Adrianna stumbled to floor after struggling to open the door.
"Mama!" She breathlessly laughed as she crawled over to us and I slid Camila off of me.
"Hi kiddo." I whispered as I picked her up and kissed her head.
"Thirsty?" I asked and she nodded as she looked over at her nude mother.
"Oh yeah tirsty." She agreed without understanding what she was saying.
"Mama, come!" She quipped and Camila wiped her red teary eyes.
"Let's go, baby." I mumbled and walked out of the room where my pregnant fiancée started to get up.
I put her in her highchair and gave her a sippy cup of water as I went to make something for all of us to eat or snack on. I looked over the counter to see Lexa knocked out on the couch snoring loudly. I cracked a smile and looked toward my daughter with her bed hair.
"Foood?" She sang and I then broke out into a small smile.
"Yes, fooooood." I cleared my throat and felt my phone buzz.
I looked down on the counter and seen Amber's contact,
Ambrrr❄️: I'm sorry for attacking your emotions. I know you, I know you haven't handled anything as you think you have. I was just trying to make you realize. I love you, I'm really sorry babe.
[delivered 4:48]
I sniffled to myself as I just locked my phone and picked up the butter knife to finish what I was doing.
These were the moments where I wished I was someone else right about now.
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Don't think what ik you're gonna think, y'all need to chillllll 👀👀👀👀
Hope y'all enjoyed and if you didn't then
Have a great day or night beautifuls x
- Maddie
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