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"Daddy," I whimpered as I put my arms around him after I hopped into the car.
Last time I saw him it didn't go so well and that image lingered in my mind. He hugged me back in that jolly way that I was so accustomed to. Before he let me go, he peered at me deep in my eyes and said, "I'm so happy that you want to see me, Sunshine."
He started down the road and I asked him, "Can we drive around for a bit before going home, like old times?" Then, it dawned on me that the reason we used to explore the town before going home was probably because he didn't want to go home and see his abuse in human form.
"Yes, is there something on your mind?" He said it so softly that it reminded me of when he used to pick me up from school before.
"I had an imperfect day, to say the least. It's been a pretty imperfect week really." I slumped down into the seat.
My dad nodded, "I know I have a part to play in that imperfection as well. I'm sorry, Sunshine."
I wiped my eyes out of tiredness and not because of my minuscule emotional capacity for once. "I want to accept your apology, dad. I do, but I have so many questions."
He smiled over at me, "I want to answer any and all questions you have. How about we go to my apartment and we can discuss everything?"
I hesitated at first, but I said, "Yeah, I'd like to."
I texted Denny and told him to tell mom that I was out with friends, so she wouldn't worry. Of course, he reminded me again that I could send that text to mom instead of using him as a messenger pigeon. Lying probably wasn't the best decision but there's no way they would've been okay with what I was about to do.
We drove past the suburban town that I grew up in and into the city that was practically unknown to me. I've lived in a bubble for most of my life, the same forgotten streets and the same forlorn people always surrounded me.
He lived in a long line of brick apartments that were very quaint and well-kept giving the circumstances. It was so disappointing to know at last that all this time he was only twenty minutes away.
"It's not much, but how are you feeling Sunshine?" I looked around my surroundings, taking everything in. There were pictures of the entire family and memorabilia from our house that I hadn't realized were ever missing.
"It's nice," I sincerely said.
"How are you feeling in general?" I sat down on his brown, plush couch and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible.
"I've been better. It feels like everyone hates me," he sat down beside me.
"You have so many people that love and care for you. I'm one of the people who love you the most," he pulled me into his side and I gladly accepted his warmth. As despairing as it was to admit, I had always been a daddy's girl and I wanted him back so severely.
"Dad, what... what did you do?" He looked down at me as his breath shuttered in dismay.
It was apparent that he didn't want to discuss this with me, but he crowed, "Your mother and I were together for so many years. We've been married for twenty years and over time the love disappeared and came back. We-" he paused like he was a hand puppet and the master shut his mouth.
"I'm not a bad person or father and I want to continue being in your life, whether the two of us are together or not." I wanted to believe him, but a part of me wouldn't let that happen.
More words were in my heart but all I said was, "I know that you want Dennis and me, but you can't take us from mom. She loves us too."
"Why do you think I want that?" He kept his tone calm but it felt strange.
"Mom had a meeting with her lawyer yesterday and said that you want the house and primary custody," I elaborated.
"Look at where I live, Daya. And I'm being ordered to give her money to take care of you two and the house. It would be easier if you lived with me and I knew where my money was going," he explained in an attempt to clarify his request.
"She's paying bills and taking care of us with that money. Mom's been a wreck. She's trying to get back into nursing, but it's hard to find a job after not working for so long. She's not being wasteful with any of the money that you give us," I sputtered.
"How could you even imply that she would do otherwise?" Looking at him wasn't even an option as I tried to keep from lashing out.
He took a second of thought before saying, "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to take it that way. You said that you had questions to ask me."
It took all I had, but I searched his eyes and saw a sorrow that looked similar to my mothers. "What happened that night, the night you completely crushed me and left?"
He patted my leg and looked off into the void. "It was a ruinous storm. Your mother was out that night, I don't know if you remember. But I was running late at the dealership and I got home before she did. And to make it worse, she never told me where she was. It was so frustrating because I was struggling to advance in my career and make money to support our family and where was she? I was either working or taking care of you kids and I felt neglected, I guess. When she finally got home, I had all these scenarios in my head and I stupidly accused her of cheating."
He shook his head and stopped for a few seconds. "She was tired and tried to walk pass me to our room. Before she could I grabbed her wrist an applied too much pressure. She had slight bruising like a rope was tied too tight around her." I pushed myself away from him.
"How could you?" He opened his mouth to say something. "If you loved her so much how could you hurt her that way?"
"I didn't mean for her to get hurt. I was upset and stressed and-" I shook my head to symbolize that that was not adequate.
"No, that doesn't give you the right and that doesn't make it okay," I yelled in his face.
"I know that, Sunshine. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt your mother," the exasperation was growing in his voice.
"It sounds like that's exactly what you wanted to do! She hurt you, so you wanted to do the same thing to her like an immature child," my eyes were bulging out of my head.
"It's never that black and white." I stood up and walked toward the wall in the small living room.
"What was it then?" I yelled at him with fury.
"A mistake. It was a series of mistakes, but mistakes," he softened his tone again.
"If I could go back in time and change all of it I would." He walked closer to me and I shook him away. Tears flowed down my face, but I didn't make any sounds.
"It was like I was addicted to it. I got away with it once and then I kept pushing the limits to see how much I could get away with. I regret it and it ruined my life. She's a good woman and deserved better," he professed to me like I didn't already know that about her.
"Do you still love her?" I spoke barely above a whisper.
"Wholeheartedly, I love our entire family and I just want things to be better." I clenched my fist in my hair.
"Then why did you hurt Denny? Why would you beat up your own son, your flesh and blood?" I still couldn't believe he did that.
"I regret what happened to him as well," he said looking at the ground.
"If they knew I was with you they would be livid! He's your son! She's your wife! How could you hurt them? How, how do I know you won't do the same to me?" My voice fizzled out, and I could barely get the words to escape me.
"How do I know you won't get mad and bruise me up too?" I banged my fist into the wall.
"I'm not that type of man." He was in denial, he had to be.
I scoffed, "You fought Dennis this week! The last straw with mom was a few months ago! Don't lie to me! I need answers!"
"I can't give you the answer you want to hear, but I can tell you that you have to trust me." He stated like that was a satisfactory answer.
A deep breath came out of me as I took a step closer to the wall, relinquishing my pent up anger. "In some twisted way, there's a world where what you did to mom is wrong but your side can be understood."
It broke my heart that I was making excuses for that man, but he's my dad. I just wanted this to make sense. I paused as my tears disrupted my voice. "I can see it."
After stating that, I went ballistic. "But with Dennis, he wouldn't be on this earth if it weren't for you! You're the reason why he is who he is. He's consumed by angry and violent tendencies because he inherited those traits from you! And me, I have an anxiety disorder, because my daddy damaged me so badly. I can't read a text without having a panic attack and thats on you. We're the way we are because you instilled that in us! You did this to us!"
He reached out for me and I pushed myself further into the wall and braced myself for impact. "I didn't want to hurt him, Daya. He got in my face and started yelling and accusing me of things I had nothing to do with. He's my child," he clenched his fist in vexation, hoping that I wouldn't see them.
"So, you talk to him, but clearly that's not what men in my family do! You made him that way! You did all of this and now you don't want to reap what you sowed! You abandoned us! You left us to fend for ourselves and then complained about being forced to do what a dad does!" My mouth was spewing out words uncontrollably when he grabbed my shoulders and gave me a light shake.
"No, no, Daya! You don't understand," and that's when I saw it. His teeth were grinding together and his eyes were turning red. His true face was revealed. I yelped in pure horror and then it changed again, back to my dad. He tried to collect his breath and backed away from me.
Maybe I was paralyzed by fear, but I couldn't move. "As your father, it's my duty to take care of you. I shouldn't have gotten physical with Dennis. If he let me, I would've apologized."
"What if that's not enough?" My voice was shaky and so was the rest of me.
"Then, I will work every day to prove it to both of you. I love you both so much," he released the tension in his body and walked backwards to the couch. I was panting and tears were all over his wall.
"Look, I can't make a time machine and go back. However, I will do whatever you need me to. It will be my solemn goal to make things right with us." My first thought was to touch my shoulder to make sure it was still there. The second was what the fuck just happened?
He got back up and walked toward the kitchen. "How about I make you dinner, like old times?"
Cooking has always calmed him down and I think that he thought it would calm me as well. He walked towards me with what looked like the intention of giving me a hug.
Still, I didn't want to take any chances as I rushed into his cramped bathroom with cracks in the wall that he must have made and an odor that couldn't be described. There were smudges on the mirror and clothes stuck in a small corner.
When I investigated the mirror, I saw a complete mess. And not just the objects behind me, but me. Daya Nicole Jackson, aka the complete mess I mentioned before. There was an opportunity for things to go that way from the second I got into the car, but I hoped for more clarity.
Despite all that, I still felt as if there was a chance I could get my dad back. I washed my face off with one of his towels and tried to compose myself before I checked my phone.
Mom had called and then texted, 'When will you be back home?' A part of me wanted to tell her to come save me, but that would be selfish of me to make her face him again. So, I texted her, 'I'll be late. I'm going to a basketball game tonight. I love you.'
I stepped out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where he was. There was accumulated grime around the walls and a small wooden table and chairs that looked like they would fall if the wind touched them.
"Um, are you okay?" I didn't know what else to say. He was over by the sink washing dishes.
"Yeah, I shouldn't have yelled at you or touched you." He didn't turn to look at me the whole time.
"Could you wash these dishes while I stir the beans?" I did as he asked. It was silence except for the fire of the stove and the rush of water from the faucet until I spoke.
"What are we having?" I said softly, trying to withhold my emotions. "Mixed vegetables, mash potatoes, and Salisbury steak. I didn't have much." I could taste the seasonings in the air. He was always the best cook in the family.
After I washed the dishes, I decided to look around the house because... well it hurt to be around him. Down the hall was where the rooms laid. Yes, there was more than one room. There was a small second room with two twin sized beds and that was all. One little window sat in the middle of the room, but there were no blinds or curtains.
I placed myself on one of the beds and registered that it must be the room he set up for Dennis and me. Just in case we wanted to stay with him. I laid back on the bed, lying in a bubble of my own thoughts.
I perceived that I must have fell off to sleep when my dad knocked on the door, causing me to jump.
"Oh, dinners ready, Sunshine." I was startled and immediately sat up in a fighting stance. Then, he gestured for me to follow him and I obliged. The table was already set so all I did was sit down across from him.
"We can't pretend that didn't happen," he reasoned. "You can elaborate on your feelings, in a calm manner, if you want."
I scratched the back of my head, "I think I said it all. Do you want to say something to me?" It was important for me to keep myself as composed as possible. Setting him or myself off again wasn't what I wanted in my near future.
"Do you truly believe that I am capable of hurting you?" He spoke every word slowly so I could understand clearly.
I nodded, "Yes, you literally just grabbed me. You put Dennis in the emergency room. He wears a cast and takes medicine every day, because of it. You really hurt him," I continued eating my meal.
"I hurt all of us, including myself. I do want to make things up to you, all of you." Was that even possible anymore?
"Is there a chance that you and she might get back together?" Hopefully not, but what he believed was crucial in that moment.
"There's always a chance, but I don't think it's likely. There's so much baggage there." He prodded his food like he wasn't all that hungry. Truthfully, my appetite wasn't really there either.
"Do you want there to be a chance? If she was willing, would you be interested in being with her again?" He seemed to really take that question in.
"It might take a while, but yes. I have loved your mom for longer than I've loved myself. I would love to have a... twentieth chance." We ate the rest of the meal in silence, both overtaken by our thoughts.
After the meal, he ultimately offered to drive me home and I took him up on that offer. When we stepped into the brisk wintery night, I realized how late it had truly gotten. The game started at seven and it had just passed 7:30 pm.
"Could you drop me off at school? I'm supposed to be at the basketball game," I said coolly as I got into his car again.
He looked shocked, "Sure. I've never known you to be interested in sports."
"I have a friend that's playing," I muttered.
He nodded, "Jay joined the team? Good for him."
I chuckled, "No, Jay hasn't done anything athletic in his life."
"Oh, so it's a new friend. Is he any good? I might stay for the game." Regardless of what just went down, he still wanted to be around me.
"I've never seen him play. And there's no way that you're staying. You can be a bit embarrassing at social events," somehow I forgot all of what happened and spoke to him like he was just my dad again.
"Me, no way," he scoffed.
"Do you remember when I was little? I was in that club to be around more kids and I had to sell raffle tickets. You took me door to door and had a different dad joke at each one. And it didn't even help me," I laughed.
"What do you mean? What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto! That got us the most money that day." That sounded like something my old dad would say.
"Not even close. My adorable ten-year-old face did it," I genuinely smiled.
"That might have helped, but we both know it was Roberto."
Chatting it up in the car reminded me of time prior to those disastrous events. But I clung onto those twenty minutes in the car for dear life knowing it might have been the last time.
When we got to school, I looked over at him with an unreadable expression on my face. "I don't know if I should say it was nice to see you or not."
He sighed and brought his lips to a straight line, "I'm always happy to see you. Even if it was a hard conversation. You deserve to get your feelings across."
I leaned over and gave him a one-armed hug. "Next time let's try to communicate with our inside voices," I said jokingly even though I was being serious.
"I love you, dad." Those words weren't supposed to come out of me, but they did anyway.
"I love you too, Sunshine, more than words can express. I hope to see you again soon." We shared one more all encompassing hug before I left the vehicle.
*This one was weird, I have to say. But it's a nice break from the teenage drama. We're getting back to it next chapter though.
Do y'all think there's any chance for Daya and the dads relationship?
Who's your least favorite character and why?
Remember to comment, follow and share! Have a good day and night!*