I don't see Josh much for the rest of the week. He goes back to work and when he's not working, he's in the hospital just in case his parents or Brad need anything. I try to be with him when he's there but all he does is sit in the waiting room. He doesn't go into Brad's room. It's so strange and it worries me. It also worries me that he doesn't talk to me about how he's feeling. I'm trying to be patient but you can only take silence from a person for so long. Especially when you live with them.
Living with Josh was amazing until all of this happened. It feels like he avoids coming to the apartment to avoid talking to me. I know that everything that happened was bound to change our relationship. I just always thought that it would be for the better. I don't know why. I knew that playing with fire was dangerous and could destroy us. I can't stop thinking about how we were much happier when we were seeing each other in secret. I wish we could have stayed like that. I know that Brad's accident is what changed us. It changed Josh. I try to wait for him to come to me but the waiting is painful and my patience wears off very quickly.
About a month after Brad's accident, I feel determined to make Josh talk to me. It's Saturday on the night that I wait for him to come home. I paint my nails as I sit on the bed and watch TV. I feel anxious but I know I have to do it. I need him to tell me what he's feeling. Doesn't he trust me? I'm supposed to be that person for him so I'm going to be just that.
He gets home around midnight. I hear him come in and walk down the hall to the room. He's wearing his uniform. "Hey," he says looking surprised to see me despite the fact that we live together.
I look up from my nails and smile at him. "Hey."
He sets his jacket down. "What are you doing awake?"
I twist the cap on the nail polish and set it on the nightstand. "Waiting for you."
He looks at me suspiciously. "Is everything alright?"
"Well, I wanted to ask you just that," I say standing up.
He looks away and I can tell he's already shutting down on me though I don't understand why. "Everything is fine."
He tries to turn and walk away but I reach for his hand, forcing him to face me. I realize how long it's been since he's touched me. The thought makes me sad and I let his hand go before he pulls me away. I don't think I could take rejection from him. It would break me for sure. I look up at him. "Are we okay, Josh?" I ask quietly, scared of the answer.
His expression softens and I feel somewhat relieved. "What do you mean? Of course we're okay," he says stroking my cheek with the back of his hand.
I frown. "I don't think we are."
"Why would you say that?" He drops his hand.
I take a deep breath, bracing myself. "Josh, come on, you've been avoiding me since Brad's accident." I accuse and I hate myself for being another burden on his shoulders but I just can't take another day of him ignoring me.
He shrugs. "I've just been busy, Natalie. I'm trying to work and be there for my family."
"I understand that-"
"I don't think you do," he says sharply and it makes my chest tighten.
I know right then that this conversation could end really badly.
"So help me understand." I tell him. "Talk to me, Josh, that's all I want. Tell me how you feel, tell me what you need from me to help you get through this."
He looks away as he shakes his head. "It's so easy for you to say that. I don't think you want to hear any of it."
"I'd rather you tell me than you avoiding me," I say to him and he doesn't say anything. I take a deep breath and fight against the tears in my eyes. "If you've changed your mind about us, Josh, please tell me. Your silence is hurting me." A tear escapes down my cheek and I clean it away quickly, trying to avoid more tears. I don't want to cry. I need to get though this conversation no matter how hard it is.
He looks at me and he looks a bit teared up himself. "I'm sorry." He whispers then he reaches out and puts his arms around me. I let out a sob as he holds me tightly. I've missed him so much. These past few weeks have been like living with a stranger. "I don't want to hurt you," he says softly as we pull away. "I just-I don't know what to do with all of this anger and guilt I feel bottled up inside." He looks angry saying that.
"I share you guilt." I remind him.
"It's different, Natalie," he says sadly. "My brother almost died and it would have been my fault. I-" he shakes his head. "I don't think I could've lived with myself if he wouldn't have made it."
His words hurt. Him telling me that I don't understand him hurts but I know he's right. It is different. No matter how much I care about Brad, I know a brother's love is so much bigger than that. That's the reason you don't go fall in love with your ex-boyfriend's brother.
"But he did," I say desperately. "He made it. I know that the accident scared all of us but he got through it."
He looks at me. "I haven't been able to look at my mother in the eye..." he shakes his head. "I can't bring myself to apologize to her and Brad for causing them this pain."
"Let me help you," I say desperately. "Let me be there for you, Josh."
He looks sad as his eyes meet mine. He reaches out and places his palms against my cheeks, holding my head up to his. His brown eyes roam all over my face slowly without saying anything. It's such an intimate moment. He runs his thumb across my lower lip like he likes to do. I yearn for him to kiss me. To hold me. To love me. "My beautiful Natalie," he whispers, his eyes meeting mine again. "All I've ever wanted since high school is to be with you."
I place my hands on his arms and squeeze them, feeling desperate. It feels like he's drifting away with every word he says. "So be with me."
He half smiles with sadness in his eyes. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to be happy."
His words break my heart. I want to hold him and piece him back together.
"Don't say that." I beg. "Josh, please let me be by your side. We can get through this together."
"I can't," he says and his voice breaks at the end.
"Are you saying that you can't be with me?" I whisper, my eyes searching his for an answer but all I see is sadness.
"I love you, Natalie," he says softly. "I always will."
"Josh, please." I cry and he cleans the tears on my cheeks. "Tell me what you need from me."
"I need you," he whispers then he presses his lips against mine. I want to push him away and force him to answer my question but I'm so weak whenever he kisses me. I can't bring myself to push him away. He needs me. He needs me love him.
His hands go around my waist as we deepen the kiss. There's something melancholy about the way he kisses me. I want to believe that it's just the mood he's in. He so inconsolable. I want to help him. I want to be here for him. Be whatever he needs me to be to get through this. He's breathless when he pulls away to pull my blouse off. He turns me around and I close my eyes when I feel his lips on my bare shoulder. He kisses me along the back of my neck. His lips are tender and desperate at the same time. My skin is on fire at every touch and every kiss.
I turn around and pull his shirt off. I kiss his lips desperately then go down his neck, down his chest. I kiss him slowly, trying to show him how much I love him. Every kiss is a beg for him to not let me go. Words have failed me. I can only hope that my kisses speak for me. I don't want him to give up on us. Not after everything we've been through. It seems crazy to think about how vulnerable our love is right now. I feel like the thread that he's holding me onto is as thin as the tip of a needle.
He makes love to me under the sheets, in secret. He's careful as if he's scared to hurt me. Doesn't he know that the only way he could hurt me is by letting me go? He's slow like the slow burn that brought us where we are tonight. He stops a few times to kiss me as if trying to make it last forever.
It doesn't. Like everything else, it has an ending. Our bodies collapse against each other and I bury my face against his neck, trying to hide the tears in my eyes. I'm so scared to speak. I'm scared for him to speak. I think he feels my desperation to make this moment last as long as we can make it last because he puts his arm around me and holds me as the tears roll down my cheeks.
I contemplate our relationship. I think about the events that happened a month ago. I think about Brad. I think about how broken Josh is, how guilty he feels about what happened to his brother. I think that I've always known what would happen if Josh ever had to pick between his brother and me. He's a man with a good heart. He's loyal to his family and I love that about him. I've always known he wouldn't choose me if it ever came down to it. That's why I fought so hard against these feelings for him. Now, I'm all in. I'm deeply in love with him. I know I won't ever love someone the way that I love him.
I love him so much, I'm willing to do anything in order for him to be well, to be happy.
I know all of this but just because I know it, it doesn't make it any easier to hear the next words come out of his lips.
"Natalie," he whispers and I brace myself for the worst. "I can't be with you."
I let out a sob as I pull away from him. I hug my knees to my chest and cry feeling completely heartbroken.
He reaches out for my arm but I pull my arm away and look at him. "You make love to me and then you tell me you can't be with me, do you know how cruel that is?"
He gives me a pained look which only makes me feel worse because I know that this isn't any easier for him. "I'm sorry."
I fight through the tears and stand up. I put my clothes back on and Josh stands up and puts his boxers on. "What are you doing?" He asks as he watches me put my clothes in a suitcase as fast as I can.
"I can't stay here," I say shaking my head, my tears rolling down.
"Natalie, please, don't go." He begs touching my shoulder.
I look at him angrily. "You just told me you can't be with me, Josh. I can't stay here. I don't want to...see you." I cry.
Most of my clothes are still sitting in his closet but I feel the urge to get out of there. I'm hurt. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. So I zip the suitcase and grab my purse then head for the door.
"Natalie, please," Josh begs as he follows me.
"Please what?" I ask turning to look at him, my hand on the doorknob.
He hesitates but doesn't say anything.
"I would have done anything to stay by your side, Josh," I say. "But you won't let me. I have to go."
I pull open the door and walk out, the door closing behind me. Part of me hopes that he's going to come outside and ask me to stay with him but he doesn't.
So I leave.
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