Their passion was off the charts and unexpected, attributable to no apparent particular factor. It wasn't as if they hadn't had sex recently, nor was their fantasy particularly novel but rather a variation on ones they'd played before. But for some reason, they absolutely could not get enough of each other. Gabby gasped "What's gotten into us, Micky? Where's all this heat and energy coming from?"
Micky continued to grasp Gabby and kiss her and lick her neck and chest. He didn't pause what he was doing, but rather murmured "I don't know, but maybe it's this place where we are, this shack?"
Gabby shook her head and took a bite of Micky's neck and sucked it hard. "No, no, that's not it. I think it's you and me. We just had a discussion about the future, we made a decision together, we're moving forward with our lives and leaving the pain and dysfunction behind, and I feel so free, Micky, so free. I feel like I've reclaimed you, like you're back and you're mine and I have all of you again. The pills don't have you, and the booze doesn't have you, and the broads don't have you. You're mine and you're here for me and I'm your most important priority. And I'm so grateful and it's turned me on like crazy. What do you think about that?"
Micky paused for a moment to look Gabby bang in the eyes. He was stunned as he processed her words. "I get it. It makes sense. All that distance I put between us, it wasn't just physical, it was emotional and spiritual. Our souls and our hearts are healing and we're coming back together. There's nothing to keep us apart anymore, Gabby. We can trust the process we're building. Is that what you mean?"
Gabby nodded. "Yes. That's it. You're making me believe in you and us again. I've missed that and it's been so long, and I'm so happy and I feel like I can completely give myself over to it. Not just my love for you, not just my passion, but my everything. We've always said 'you're my everything' to express our love, but when you went away, so did that feeling. And when you came back, it took so long for us to be able to say that again. And now, I think for the first time, even since we formally re-committed to our marriage, I really, really feel it. You're my everything and I'm willing to be yours. I can finally, finally breathe again."
Micky had stilled their lovemaking completely as he listened to Gabby share these thoughts and feelings. Now he embraced her fiercely and clutched her like a life raft. "Oh, Gabby, you can't even realize how much that means to me, how much confidence that gives me, how much it's going to sustain me when I go on this movie shoot. To know you've completely let me back in to your heart and you trust me so entirely. It's a shame I can only write this once on my gratitude list tonight."
Gabby smiled and said "Yeah, it's going on my list, too. Thank God we made it, Micky. I almost feel like what it took to get to that final place of trust was for you to challenge me, to ask me to trust you to go do this movie. I think if you hadn't asked me to let you spread your wings, I might never have completely allowed myself to truly trust in the process. Now I'm going to have to Let Go and Let God, like the AA slogan says. It reminds me of that song you guys had on your first album, Take a Giant Step. You're making me step outside my mind."
"You know, Mike didn't want that song on the album, but I fought like hell for it because it reminded me so much of you."
Gabby tilted her head, curious but not comprehending. "Really? How so?"
Micky ran his hands down Gabby's back and sent a chill through her body. "It may make you sad to think of it now, but it was the lyrics that spoke to me. They sounded like your relationship and breakup with Nick. The song is really about a girl who's been through a traumatic breakup and is struggling to trust life and love again. Then she meets someone else who's trying to convince her to move forward with her life by reminding her how healthy and pink she used to be when she was a child and used to be able to trust the world. I think that's what you experienced when we got together, and I think you experienced it again when I got sober and we repaired our marriage."
Gabby's eyes clouded a bit with tears and raw emotion. "Yes, it's true. You hurt me so profoundly, Micky, when you went off the rails. I really did put you in the same category as Nick, even though you never physically abused me. I feared that you might, when you came back from your drunken trip to Key West, and the fear of you harming me was as real to me as your actually harming me. And in terms of the emotional abuse of you cheating on me with multiple women, it was pretty much as profound as how Nick hurt me. But I don't regret sticking around to face my fears and giving you a chance to make things right with me. I was afraid at first, afraid to allow you a second chance, because I didn't want to be one of those abused women who lets her abuser take another crack at her. But this feeling I have now, this closeness we just shared, tells me you won't do that to me, Micky. It's odd that this lovemaking session has me more convinced than even the recommitment ceremony we just had. Our vows were profound, but our best, most meaningful communication has always been the type that we achieved without words."
"I agree, for sure. That was something I grieved so much when we lost it to my addiction. Right from the get go, as soon as I came back into your life after I got sober, I had a hard time reading you, communicating with you, and it made me feel further away from you than when I was in Key West. Because I was standing in the same room as you, but I couldn't feel what was in your heart, or know what was in your mind, never mind sensing what your soul was experiencing, other than the torture I was putting you through."
Gabby stroked Micky's hair and temple gently. "That's in the past now, my Micky. It truly was the worst part of our separation, but it's fading like a horrible scar. Like the ones I got when the cops beat me up in that riot at the anti-war protest. It was a horrific experience that I'll never forget, and it changed me to a certain extent, but it didn't break me — it strengthened my resolve. Same thing with what we went through. And hey, you seriously have scratched every itch and gotten every bad habit out of your system now, right? I mean, what's left?"
Micky laughed. "I shudder to think. Yeah, I think I pretty much covered it all, from soup to nuts. I can't tell you how many people in AA are so grateful to be living totally square lives after nearly losing it all."
Gabby playfully slapped Micky's shoulder. "Hey, we're not square! We've got a smokin' hot love life! You're a rock 'n roller who's best friends with the icons of the music world, you're an actor and soon-to-be theater performer, and your wife is a rabble-rouser activist and not too hard on the eyes. Not to mention I'm the object of lust of at least one stoner hippy rocker (David Crosby) and I passed up the chance to be America's heartthrob's (the inimitable Davy Jones's) old lady!"
Micky cackled at Gabby's summation of their status as today's hot stuff. "True that. I'm really glad I didn't lose you to Crosby. You know he's already going bald, right?"
Gabby gave Micky another playful smack. "Oh, you! Well, when he was hitting on me, he was a star and you were a nobody!"
Micky got a more serious look on his face. "And I'm really grateful I didn't lose you to Davy. Don't think I'm not aware of how easily it could have happened. If you had been less moral, less devoted to me as a human being, lover and husband, less of a principled person, I'd have been yesterday's news and you'd be shacked up with him instead of Jan. Thank you for waiting for me and giving me a chance to redeem myself, to reclaim my place in your life, Gabby. You're an incredible person to have allowed me that privilege."
Tracing her finger from Micky's hairline down to his eyebrows and around the perimeter of his face to his lips, then planting a small kiss there, Gabby smiled and then said simply "It was the next right thing to do, so I did it. There was never a question once my shrink told me it wasn't a threat to my sanity or physical well-being. And you know, you really should give some of that gratitude to Davy. He backed me and encouraged me to give you that chance to redeem yourself. I know you find that hard to believe, but it's true."
"Well, I'm not saying there's not inherent good in the guy, but I'll just say I'm relieved he's off the market now and hopefully happily married to Jan. Maybe someday we might even be friends again. I'm open to that. I'm cautiously optimistic about working with him on this play."
Gabby knew that Micky had no idea the extent to which Davy's obsession for her ran, the depths of it nor how long it had been going on. She debated whether to inform him of the details to prevent him from laying himself open to disappointment or worse if he tried to get close to Davy or mend their relationship. But weighing that against the harm it could cause Micky if he knew the details of Davy's unhealthy attraction to her made her realize that it would cause Micky undue pain. So she decided to try to just issue him a generic warning about getting his hopes up about re-establishing a friendship with Davy.
"Micky, I know that you've finished working the steps with regard to Davy and he's off your resentment list and you've made whatever amends you feel you need to make him. You made your amends to him primarily by making your amends to me. I hope you'll let that be enough and not allow yourself to get too caught up with him when you're doing this play. Your heart is very open, but it's also very vulnerable. And Davy is still very bitter and angry about what happened and frankly, I think he owes you an amends and he hasn't made it. So please tread carefully and be very neutral and protect yourself around him."
Micky was no fool. He knew there were things Gabby wasn't saying to him about Davy and how he felt about Micky that would be hurtful and that she was trying to spare his feelings. But he felt he needed more information in order to make proper use of the advice she was giving him. Also, he had wanted to clear the air between the two of them concerning Davy, and now seemed like a good opening to do so.
"Gabby, I realize there are things you're not saying in order to spare my feelings, but I'd rather we just lay our cards on the table. If you don't feel comfortable telling me things, can I at least say what I think you're getting at and you can confirm whether I'm on the right track?"
Gabby reluctantly nodded her head in assent.
"Okay, so first, it seems like what you're trying to tell me is that Davy was and still may be pissed that I came back and reclaimed my place in your life even though I was a total lowlife and broke your heart in dozens of pieces while he was your knight in shining armor. Am I right?"
"Yes, that was true and probably still is."
"So I obviously already figured that out myself and didn't need you to tell me that. Here's something I'm less clear on. You said Davy was on board with you giving me another chance. But even so, did he try to convince you to be his lover even after I came back, even after you and I were getting back together?"
Gabby merely nodded.
Micky's brow furrowed. "What was his excuse for that?"
"Micky, I think this is exactly the path I didn't want to go down. It's fruitless and destructive for you and me."
"Gabby, I need to know. I'm going to be at close quarters with this guy. You said it yourself, I'm going to be vulnerable. If I don't know the facts, how can I defend myself from him? What if he starts going off on me? What if he gets hostile? What if I start owning shit that's not mine? He's nursing grievances, that's obvious. But you said I need to resist the impulse to make any more amends to him. What if he starts giving me chapter and verse about what a shit I am and it turns out he's lashing out at me because he's still carrying the torch for you? Please Gabby. Tell me what happened at the end, when I came back. Fill that part in for me. I need to know."
Gabby inhaled deeply and exhaled shakily. She sat up and started to put on her clothes, and so did Micky. Once they were dressed, they walked out in the garden and sat in the sunshine on the grass. Gabby took Micky's hand in hers and played with his fingers nervously.
Micky stilled her nervous gestures and kissed her hand, then smiled and said "It's okay, my Gabby. We're just sharing, just talking. It's not an inquisition. I just need as much help as I can get. I'm assuming Davy's going to contact me eventually about the play, or maybe he won't and we'll just show up together in London and then I'll know he's still got a bad attitude, but either way, I need to be ready for this. Please help me handle it the right way, the sober way, the recovered way."
Gabby abruptly looked up and keyed in on that word "recovered" and realized that Micky wasn't asking for details out of prurient curiosity or ego, or to put her through an embarrassing gauntlet of confession. He wanted to do right by all of them — her, Davy and himself.
"Okay, Micky. I'll tell you. When you came back to California from your drunken jaunt, I was terribly frightened of you. Davy took me in and moved me in to his place and watched over me for months. You already know that. I think if events had unfolded differently, if I'd have stayed living at Dawn and Peter's and you'd have stayed away for longer, I'd have given up on you, filed for divorce, Davy would have courted me and I might have succumbed to his charm. That's what he was hoping would happen. But that's not what happened.
"Mike called a family meeting and it was decided that Mike and Wendy would go to Florida to try to get you to come back to California. Then I freaked out about you coming back because I thought you might be an abusive drunk and come after me. I had never seen you abuse alcohol on a grand scale, and I didn't know what drugs you were using, and I had never experienced you cheating on me, and you basically were a person I didn't know anymore. Peter and Dawn were afraid of you, too, afraid you'd find out about me and Davy sleeping together, or just afraid you'd come looking for me at their house and cause a scene in front of their kids, so they asked me to leave their house. After weighing up all the alternatives, the only real option available to me that was safe and workable was to move in with Davy. I wasn't really keen on moving in with him because of the moral ambiguity, about the gossip it would cause with the family, and also because I knew he was obsessively in love with me, but I was so concerned for my safety and sanity, I let those concerns override all other factors. So I moved in with him. Maybe he originally thought that my moving in with him would advance our relationship towards becoming lovers, but it didn't work out that way.
"Moving in with Davy did change the dynamic between us, though, and our relationship got very twisted up and co-dependent. At first, things were kind of confused and awkward because we had slept together, so I insisted on sleeping in his guest room and we had to agree not to have any sexual contact or even to flirt. It would just be too confusing for both of us. That drove Davy's obsession with me in a different direction. He became obsessed with protecting me, and his rage towards you grew to mammoth proportions. We fed each other's fears about what you would do to me if you found me, if you knew I was living with him, and I became a virtual prisoner at his home. And in his secret heart of hearts, he was keeping me there, hoping you wouldn't recover and that I might eventually give up on you, give in to him, fall in love with him and become his lover.
"The longer that dynamic went on, the more twisted up everything became. When you got out of rehab and you and I started to reconcile, Davy fell into a depression. He couldn't understand why I would want you, when you had hurt me so badly, when I could have him, the man who essentially saved my life. He never could comprehend the deep connection you and I have, and he admitted as much since he had never had that kind of relationship before. The closest thing he'd ever had was this unrequited love he had for me. Finally, on the night of his and Mike's birthday party, both Jan and Lynda talked to me and insisted that I move out of his home. They could see that he was falling apart. I hadn't been all that keyed into his mental state myself until they mentioned it, even though I did know that the situation was unsustainable because I realized I was never going to be Davy's lover while you were still in my life and I knew it was tearing him apart.
"Jan helped me find that apartment you called my Bat Cave, the high security place in Santa Monica with the doorman and elevator operator. I put down a deposit but didn't sign a lease so that I could break the news to Davy first and let him approve it. When I told him about it, he was bereft. He tried to talk me out of it. He tried to convince me that he and I were meant to be together, and that you weren't worthy of another chance, not worthy of my love. When I told him I was going to leave, he asked me if you and I split up if I was going to give him a chance, but I told him I wouldn't answer that question. Then he played his last card. He said he'd let me go but asked me if I'd give myself to him one last time and sleep with him. Honestly, Micky, it wasn't evil or calculating. It was pathetic. I told him no and he cried his eyes out. I ended up calling Jan to come over and comfort him. He cried himself to sleep in her arms that night."
Micky shivered as he listened to this last sentence. He had had no idea how deeply Davy's passion for Gabby ran. He didn't even know Davy was capable of such passion. But to have his best friend so hopelessly in love with his wife was a chilling, unsettling prospect, even assuming that he had been able to put those feelings in his rear view mirror and move past them.
"God, Gabby. I feel pity and sympathy for Davy, but I also feel incredibly weirded out. I don't want him loving you that much, wanting you that much. You're mine. I lost you, it's true, and I guess he was entitled to have you that one night you two slept together and I've paid dearly for that lapse in judgment that led me to let go of you and leave you out there to be scooped up by a predator like him."
Gabby shook her head vehemently. "Micky, no, he wasn't a predator. Come on, don't rewrite it in your mind, don't pick up the resentment again that you already put down and let go of. Davy was a hapless, wayward soul who really did need some human kindness. I'm pretty sure that's the closest he's ever come to it besides Jan and Lynda. But with both of them, something was missing. He didn't love either of them the way he loved me. Everyone is entitled to their heart's content at least once in their life."
Micky snorted "Yeah, well, you can call it love. I think there was lust mixed in there. I'm a guy, Gabby. I know how his mind works. You can't have one without the other."
"Okay, that makes sense. I mean, I lust after you like mad, Micky and I know it's vice versa. But I don't think that's what was foremost in his mind that night. Otherwise, he'd have hit on me again when I was living with him. But he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman."
Micky conceded "Yeah, that's true. Okay, I'll let it go. He's off the hook. You know what I've noticed about resentments? They're a hell of a lot of work to maintain. I'd just as soon not hang on to them anyway." Gabby broke into a relieved grin.
He moved closer to Gabby, gathered her in his arms and scooped her into his lap. "Thank you for telling me about the details I asked about. I know it was difficult for you, but if you want to feel virtuous about it, think of it as part of your amends process. Or you can think of it as prepping me to be as strong and prepared as possible for that play. I don't need any head games from Davy causing me any trouble if I can avoid it."
"It's okay, Micky. There shouldn't be secrets between us about anything. They only reason I didn't tell you that stuff is because I thought it would hurt you, and the twelve steps specifically say not to divulge information that will hurt the other person in the amends making process. I don't think he handled it that well at the end, asking me to sleep with him one last time, but he wasn't a prick about it either. He was an imperfect human, like we all are. And he was a good friend to me, right to the end. He made sure that building was absolutely safe for me, and he helped me move in and meet my neighbors so that they could keep watch over me. I don't know what our status is now. Probably not the close friends we once were, but I hope in time we'll at least be able to talk to each other again. You won't begrudge me that, will you?"
"No, Gabby, I won't. He's family and friend to both of us."