『26 Salvatore Boarding House,
Mystic Falls, Virginia
DECEMBER 25TH 2008
DEAR DAMON
It feels like before you came into my life again—when every moment seemed so dull and bleak. Every day was a repeat. I try very fucking hard and yet, it still feels invisible. As though I'm trying to find something interesting to keep me steady or alive.
That's the word.
When the hard part passes, my mood changes, and in an instant everything moves so fast, far too fast. As though I drank something so sweet, and my heart beat so fucking fast. I can almost taste the blood pumping in my veins.
I do what I want. I enjoy it. Then like a bomb, like a fucking bomb, it turns off, and I'm swallowed by this fog. This endless dark fog that takes me to hell, ripping me apart.
It beats me down, reminding me of everything I've done and how they all scream. It's the same fog of pain that will haunt me until my last fucking breath. While I can go on and on— Safe to say that today's been a burst.
Dark Creator sent me on a mission to another world to retrieve a witch who kept flirting with me. He proved to be harder to tame. He made one mistake and that was when he insulted you. Dark Creator said I had to bring him in, but he didn't tell me how many pieces. Despite Dark Creator mocking my patience. . . I mocked him back— Saying he would have done the same had anyone insulted his mates.
That was enough to earn me a pat on the shoulder. I would think. He gave me a blank stare, humming that I was right. Your witty remarks usually help at this stage, but I don't have that anymore.
Did you know, life was much better with you than without you? Despite all the chaos that follows me everywhere like a moth to a fucking flame or light. Either one. I still remember the day we met. The lilac flowers rained down as though the God of love was trying to point out a signal to me. Yet, I was too stupid to realize, and when I looked to my right. . . There you were, taking a sit beside me.
Many would say you put a spell on me. I bet Aphrodite thought, 'Well if he's not going to look, I'll make him look.'
I was curious about you despite the mission Dark Creator tasked me with. You know, the mission when I vamp-napped you. Something about you had me yearning for you. For some reason, I found a great deal of attraction towards you, which was odd, given I'm always told I got a stick up my ass.
Hmm. That sounds fucking familiar to someone I know. I guess Dark Creator and I are somewhat similar. I still remember you saying to me once, 'Micah, it won't kill you to smile once. Were you born with a stick up your ass?'
It was the first thing you said to me when I took you hostage. Now, thinking about you makes me laugh, to remember your words. Sometimes loneliness catches up to me like a storm. It reminds me of every conversation we shared, every argument we had, and when we made love.
Numens balls, I miss those things, then again, I miss all the things.
I bet when you first saw me, you thought I was your prey. But in truth, I was the predator and you were my prey. It's funny how you thought I was a defenseless human. After all, I allowed you to compel me because I looked so lonely and fragile. So easy.
In the end, you were a mere target practice.
You always said that I brought out the light in you, that you wanted to be better for me. But, did you know you were the light in the darkness for me? I may bring out the light in you, but you made me want to live, Damon.
I've always been so numb, but somehow you changed that.
I come from a long line of first-generation Grimms. Elite supernatural hunters who kept balance, and you were a vampire. It's rare for Grimms to find love, yet somehow, I found that in you. In other words, You had me whipped— it is a strong relative term.
The last time we spoke, we argued about that question you never want to hear, and you stormed off. For hours, I waited for you. I thought he couldn't be that mad at me. So what was the problem? Why won't you marry me?
When I woke up hours later on our couch to our cat kissing my face. I saw your letter on the table and I read it. It came so fast. The sharp pain was as agonizing as falling down a high tower. My entire world has ended.
You left me. You left us.
I guess I needed to rant about that.
In other news, Dark Creator seems to ease up on me, which is a good thing. I also made a new friend named Kandor Stark-Danvers. I call him double D's because he has two mothers with the last name Danvers. He is from another world and the son of Supergirl, Captain Marvel, and Iron Man. Yes, them.
Recently, Kandor and I went on some very classified missions.
Now, don't get jealous of him, he's lost in our world by accident. Dark Creator told him to help The Organisation before they helped him. That's also classified. One more thing is. Not only did Dark Creator start dating Campion, my identical twin if you recall. He also wishes to date my cousin, Dean Winchester. What's that saying? 'He bagged the two of them.'
I never understand the saying, and I never want to. Now I am forced to hang out with him because my stupid twin and stupid cousin couldn't keep it in their pants. Among everything I've ever done in my unforgiving life, this is by far the worst. He's. . . I guess not so bad when you get to know him.
I guess.
Do you ever stop to think about your past and everything you've ever done? Because I have. In my thirty-two years of living. All my life, My mother me trained to destroy, to maim so many things innocent and fatal. it should be very humbling. I should be used to it by now.
For some reason, I love it. Now I understand how you can be so uncaring and brooding. I understand you now, Damon. When my mother told me writing a journal would make me feel better, she was right. It does. A little. Every so often, it can be so daunting, that I would cry about everything. That helps too.
It has been two days since my last entry.
It's almost New Year's now, and recently, I've been listening to the playlist you made before you left. Not only that, but it drove me so mad that I smashed the CD and then I threw Charlotte through your car. Somehow, you got the idea I needed reminders of you around. I already have one big reminder that I wouldn't change anything in the world.
One day to New Year.
A day I celebrate by killing an archangel
Dark Creator said I did a good job. He said something nice about me for a change. I wasn't told why the archangel needed to die, but it couldn't have been good if The Organisation required her death.
For now, I think sticking to my usual lower deities; demons, and vampires. And other stupid species would do well. It requires great effort and willpower to fight some higher beings; such as Archangels. I keep getting my ass handed to me.
Dark Creator tried to persuade me to join his crusade. He says, he'd train me himself as he did for Dean and Campion, but if I wasn't interested then. I never will. Besides, something tells me my twin and cousin wanted him to train them for other reasons I will not mention.
What I did ask him was my old job back. I'll stick to that. Thank you very much.
Happy New Year, Damon.
Update, I've been stuck in a motel room for six hours now. Dark Creator assigned me a case that is also classified, but what I would say is that it's nothing much to worry about.
Dark Creator does not care how I fetch the perpetrator as long as I get the job done, which I am doing.
It's been at least a week since I wrote my last entry. Concise.
I arrived home yesterday and that loneliness washed over me like rain. Even when I wasn't alone. When I was with my family, my world still went dark. Then I thought, what if I ended it? Perhaps my suffering would be less. Maybe I would find peace in the afterlife. That's if I ever end up there.
I even wrote a list of ways to go.
Numens balls.
1. Die with my sword. A swift, painful death.
2. Hang myself
3. Jump down a bridge into hellfire
4. Get eaten by sharks
It's a long list for me, and it keeps getting longer.
New entry, my mother forced me on a date yesterday. Can you believe that? Of course, you can.
She said. 'You need to kill that depression before it kills you.'
Whatever she meant, I know she meant well. She's scared I may try something again. This is her way of keeping me leashed.
I did go on the date yesterday with someone she said would be a match for me. She asked me to get laid at least and have some fun with him. Much wasn't said about this man. But his father was a great first-generation Grimm. The name of my date is Jonathan Cambridgeshire, who my mother set me up with. I knew who that was. He's Nestor Cambridgeshire's son.
He had manners and was nice and shy. Very shy. My mother had no idea what my type was at all. He rambled the entire time, which wasn't a bad thing. He was beautiful with tawny dark glowing skin, almost gold or bronze. And this big bouncy, fluffy red curls on his head. And the sweetest voice. You would have liked him.
I told him I wasn't ready. I lost someone. He understood.
You would have approved.
I guess, my mother knows my type after all.
But, you were my first, and you will be my last until my last day on this mortal coil.
Anyway, see you soon, figuratively.
I've got another mission in the morning.
LOVE,
MICAH UNDERWOOD.
P.S.; I WANT TO DIE!