Demi
Wilmer was bedridden in the hospital and every night I waited until the nurses checked on him one last time at midnight, then I crawled into his bed and fell asleep to Wilmer tracing slow circles on my back. Each time I was woken up by the night nurse two hours later so they could check Wilmer's vitals.
Tonight, the 4am nurse was a regular, who always disapproved of me sleeping on the bed, and would make me get up so she could perform her evaluation, then make a comment about how essential it was he not move around too much before she walked out. This time I woke up when the door opened, so she didn't have to shake me awake to get off the bed. Instead, I rolled over and backed up to the wall so she could have space to take his vitals. Wilmer groggily complied with her requests, then she shot me a look before she walked out with her nose in the air.
"It's cold without you," Wilmer murmured, and turned his head over to look at me, "come back."
I smiled and lifted the blanket so I could climb in again, then I pushed my face into his chest. "I'm so glad you're okay, I thought I would never have this again."
"I'm so sorry I put you through all of this Demi, I never imagined it would get that bad."
"It's okay," I wrapped his hand in mine and brought it up so I could kiss his still-bruised knuckles, "you're alive, and you can promise me it'll never happen again by actually working on your diagnosis."
"I will," Wilmer touched his forehead against mine and I closed my eyes, "whatever it takes, Demi."
"I love you so much," I whispered, and tried to swallow the lump in my throat, "I don't know what I would've done if... if-"
"You don't need to think about it, I'm okay, I promise." He held my head against his chest and his lips brushed my hair. "I'm right here, baby."
"You can't leave me again." I fisted his t-shirt in my hand and looked up into his eyes. "Okay? Not for anything, or anyone."
Wilmer stared back at me, then nodded his head. "No more leaving, I promise."
"Good." I craned my neck to kiss him deeply, then I smiled and pulled away when I heard his heart rate monitor quicken. "Nurse Ratchet will make me sleep on the couch if she thinks I'm taking away from your eight hours of beauty sleep."
"You'll just climb back in once she leaves, just like the first night." Wilmer traced my jawline with his fingertip then lifted my chin so he could kiss me again, "I can't wait until we're not in his hospital, and I don't have a hole in my head."
"You're not going to be able to do any strenuous activities for a while," I reminded him softly, when I felt his hands slide down my back.
"I just want to be able to kiss you without some machine blowing up my spot about how it makes me feel."
I grinned and rested my cheek on his shoulder, "if it helps, I'm worse than you." As if on cue, Wilmer's thumbs brushed over the gap of skin between my shirt and my sweatpants, and I shivered when he brought one of his hands under the fabric of my tank top. "You're going to get us in trouble, Valderrama."
"I just had brain surgery, isn't there a grace period for bad judgements?"
"Wait until the next nurse shift, I think this one is just waiting to throw me out of the hospital."
Wilmer hummed and brought his mouth to mine again, but ignored the sound of his heart rate rising. I smiled against his lips and happily kissed him back until he leaned away from me. "I love you, Demi."
"I love you too." I breathed, and my lips still brushed his as I spoke from how close he was. "I love you more than anything, Wilmer."
~*~
The next few days went by at a glacial pace, but thankfully Wilmer was showing signs of improvement, and all of the neurosurgeons were optimistic about his recovery. Still, there were bad days for him.
Eight days after Wilmer's surgery I finally left the hospital for the first time since he arrived there. It felt good to shower, and I wanted to get the house ready for his return. Zeus was staying up at Wilmer's parent's house, but I knew Wilmer would be excited to be home and see his dog. After I did a couple loads of laundry and cleaned off the layer of dust that had settled, I packed a bag of fresh clothes for both of us, then I got in the car and started the long drive back to the hospital.
"Valderrama." I told the receptionist, who smiled warmly at me- I had to come down for a new visitor's pass each day, so I was beginning to be somewhat of a regular to her.
"Here you go, have a nice day."
I murmured an assent to her, then got into the elevator and pushed the button for the twelfth floor. I nodded at some of the nurses that I recognized as I walked through the hallway but as I reached for Wilmer's door handle one I didn't know who was in purple scrubs touched my arm.
"I should warn you, Wilmer is experiencing some discomfort and is currently extremely sensitive to light and sound. I would reccommend leaving your bags and cellphone out here when you go in."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Why didn't someone call me and tell me this? Where are his doctors? Why aren't they giving him something?"
"The doctors are sure this is a symptoms of his healing process and adjusting to the trauma his brain has been through in the past week. They offered to give him a sedative, but he refused."
"Stupid man." I muttered, and dropped my bag onto one of the seats outside the room, then I put my cellphone and jacket on top of it. "Thank you for the warning."
"Of course."
I cracked the door to Wilmer's dark room and saw that the curtain dividing the room had been pulled all the way around his bed so he was hidden from me. I stepped inside and quickly shut the door behind me, then I pulled the curtain aside slowly and my heart cracked a little when I saw him.
Wilmer laid on his side on the bed, but seemed smaller than usual, and he was curled up into a tight ball. I got closer, and saw the deep dark circles under his eyes along with tear tracks that ran down his cheeks.
"Baby." I whispered as softly as I could, and I fluttered my hands nervously- I didn't know if touching him would make it worse. "What happened?"
"I just woke up and it hurt." Wilmer's voice was rough and cracked, "They're running tests, I think."
I settled for his hand and wrapped both of mine around it as I squatted down to his eye level, "what can I do?"
"You're here," Wilmer closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "that's enough."
I swallowed hard and pressed his hand to my cheek, "they said you didn't want a sedative."
"I don't like them... they make me feel foggy."
"But if you're in pain, isn't that better?"
"Is it?" Wilmer opened his eyes for a moment when he spoke at normal volume, and winced. "The drugs... it makes me feel unstable, like I can float away. The pain at least lets me focus on something."
I rubbed his forearm and sighed, but before I could speak the door opened and Wilmer instantly closed his eyes again to protect himself from any light that streaked in.
"Mr. Valderrama." One of the doctors was back, and thankfully had enough sense to speak barely above a murmur. "I understand you're feeling some pain associated with light and sound?"
"Yes." Wilmer said, still without opening his eyes.
"I spoke with my colleague, and he mentioned you refused pain medication."
"Yes." I bit my lip when Wilmer spoke again- I knew he was getting frustrated from both the pain and the doctor's questions.
"I'm afraid you're caught in a bit of a cycle. The initial pain was typical for post-op patients, but it's normally combated with a light sedation and pain medication as needed. In your case, with no way to diminish pain, your body is reacting with adrenaline, which is increasing the pressure in your brain, which causes more pain."
Wilmer sighed and finally opened his eyes, "so I need the pain meds or it's not going to stop."
"Allowing us to manage the pain even to a small degree would be my recommendation."
He sighed again and looked over at me, "you're not leaving again?"
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Give me the meds, just make it go away." Wilmer said dully and I hated how defeated he sounded.
"Yes, Sir."
I kept my eyes on Wilmer's as the doctor worked on his IV, and after a couple moments, I saw the relief in his eyes. I reached forward and gently stroked the back of my fingers down his face and he took a slow deep breath.
"It's better."
"Let me know if you need anything else."
The doctor walked out and I squeezed Wilmer's hand gently, "I know you don't like it, but your body has to heal, baby."
"I know."
I sighed and leaned forward, "just focus on me, okay? Focus on my hand and my voice."
He closed his eyes and I pulled the chair behind me forward so I could sit, then I leaned my arms on the bed and kissed his knuckles again. "I remember when I first saw you... the first Saturday of the semester at the APD frat party. You were so different from all the others... confident, like you knew you wouldn't have to wait long for me. The others were just obnoxious, trying to dance or spill their drinks on me, but you were different. You just stood against the wall, sipping a bottle of patron. I wanted you, and you knew it, but I knew you wanted me too. God that summer was... we were so happy. Remember we made a promise to see each other every day?" Wilmer smiled softly with his eyes still closed and I touched his cheek again. "I guess that back fired in the long run, we knew everything about each other after just a couple months of dating. I knew how to piss you off, and you knew how to push every button I had. I hated fighting with you, I absolutely loathed it, but I loved you so much I couldn't control how emotional I got. You always made me feel crazy- in both bad ways, and really good ways." He smirked softly and I giggled a bit. "I couldn't believe how much I loved you, but looking back even those feelings were shallow compared to how much I love you now."
Wilmer put his hand over mine and squeezed it softly so I leaned down to kiss his eyebrow. "You're my favorite person in the whole world. You have been since the moment I met you, Wilmer."
"You're mine." He whispered softly, and this time I touched my lips to his.
"I'm yours, baby."
Wilmer ended up falling asleep eventually, but I continued to trace soft circles on his back as I watched his face. I hated how much pain he was in, I hated watching him suffer, but I knew he needed me and so did the child growing within me. I wanted to look at the sky and scream towards whatever higher power was beyond it about how unfair my cards were.
I'd finally gotten Wilmer back in my arms, only for him to be ripped away again. I'd finally gotten a child, Wilmer's child, but here I was pregnant sitting by his hospital bed scared each time he wouldn't make it through the night.
That was the true reason I slept in his bed each night- aside from the inherently selfish one of needing comfort while he suffered. I couldn't bear the thought of him dying, but if it was going to happen I wanted it to be in my arms. I didn't want him to be sleeping in a cold hospital bed alone if he passed on. It hurt my heart so bad to even think about, but in an odd way accepting that he might die had helped with the panic of trying to make sure that didn't happen. All I could do was hold him, love him, and make sure he had something to fight for.
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-Rachel