November 20, 2019
"Write about feeling lost in the crowd."
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Alone, in a crowd. That is what I usually feel. Even if it is a crowd of friends, I have to switch off, it gets exhausting to keep talking, taking part in discussions, though I enjoy them. And yet, however scintillating and stimulating it is, I stay silent for some time. It is like recharging, a necessary task but frightening at times, for the loneliness that overwhelms me. It is bad when my mind wanders; I wonder about the vastness of the universe, the futility of our lives (which are so minute and insignificant when compared to Space and the planets and the stars).
It get worse, when I am in a crowd of strangers, waiting for a bus or walking down a busy street. I flinch when strangers jostle around me and inadvertently touch me, why does that contact irritate me? There are times when I am filled with sonder, wondering how each of those strangers passing by live; what are their lives, their hopes, their fears, their dreams? Are they happy or are they like me, blank faced yet wondering about others. Or are they oblivious to their surroundings, lost in animated company, satisfied with small talk and bustling walk.
What waits for them at their destination? Why are they out on the roads, a part of this crowd of strangers? What struggles did they meet, what joys did greet them?
My mind is a mess, my heart is in turmoil and by the time I leave the crowd, I am truly alone. Yet a comfortable loneliness - it would be home, with a book, my family, a small conversation and relaxing thoughts.
I am lost and uncomfortable with crowds.
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