"I've got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine!!" Tyrone was pretty much screaming the lyrics at this point. The bass of the music steadied as the climax of the song approached. He's gonna have a sore throat in the morning.
We had been here in our rented room at the karaoke bar for a couple hours now. Everyone was laughing, eating, and of course, obnoxiously singing happy birthday to me every thirty minutes. Eighteen. Finally, eighteen.
"Okay son, I think it's time for me to take the mic. Helen, bring the margarita!" My mother stepped onto the bright stage, scrolling through the list of songs with Helen giggling. "I'm gonna have to drive her home. The two of them are definitely tipsy." Coen smirked, stepping up to join my lean against the wall.
His gaze lingered on his mom, and he couldn't help the smile that fell on his lips to see her so happy. My gaze lingered on him. The beaty of his side profile. He noticed, slowly turning back to look at me. Don't look at me like that.
In our stare, all the sounds of the duet happening on stage melted away. His lips turned up into a soft smile, and his eyes—unwavering—peered into my soul. If I stayed any longer, I would pour out myself like wine and hope he'd desire to be intoxicated. I was obsessed and completely smitten.
"Time for gifts! Serenity, here's the makeshift throne for you." I turned my head at the sound of my name. Wesley was patting the top of a chair he had pulled into the front middle of the room. Fuck. Had we been gazing into each other's eyes for the entire song?
I sat against the chair, heat rising up the back of my neck. I played with the tag of my Doc Martens in a poor attempt to calm my anxious, overthinking nerves. Kenji stepped forward, a small gift bag in his hands. "From Blair, Alex, Nova, Dominic, and I. We're broke so don't expect much."
I laughed at his speech. I forced a smile on my face. I was grateful for such great friends and a loving family, but I absolutely hated opening presents in front of people. My parents and Wesley had already given me my present at home: books I had listed on my Christmas list, a new duvet cover, clothes, and the pair of boots currently on my feet. They knew I disliked the spotlight and I would've said forget it, but the look on my parents and friends faces as they waited for me to open the bag made all negative emotions fade away.
I glanced at everyone, pulling the blue bag open and removing the tissue paper. There was a small white box with black pen written over the top. Hurry up and open it. I chuckled at the words, guessing it was written by Kenji. I gripped the edges of the top, pulling it up to view its contents.
An engraved glass treble clef ornament. A silky red ribbon tied in a bow allowed me to pick it up. I brought it closer, reading the white engravement written at the bottom. When you get in treble, you can always call us and we'll be there.
I looked up at Kenji, a soft pout on my lips as I tried not to cry at the sweet message. He ran a hand through his hair, blush creeping up on his cheeks. "Just something to remember us by."
Us moving away for college was something I decided not to think about because every time I did, I wanted to sob. Kenji, my best friend, there is nothing in this world that could ever make me forget you.
He fidgeted with his hands; he was trying not to cry. I placed the ornament delicately back into the box and my father quickly intercepted it as I stood to my feet and brought him in for a hug. "Says the one with the basketball scholarship. When you're playing in the NBA, remember I'm only a dribble away." He chuckled at my attempt at cracking a pun, pulling back to fist bump me. I walked over to Blair, pulling in Dominic, Alex, and Nova for a hug too. I had the best friends I could ask for.
The tension thickened once the hugs eased and glances fell onto Coen. He was the last one to give a gift. I didn't care whether he had one or not. The past month—almost two—had been crazy. His presence was enough. I was just happy he was alive.
"You didn't have to get me anything. Any of you, really." He lifts his index finger to his lips, giving me a shush. His mother steps forward with a black gift box, a bold gold bow ontop.
"This is from both of us. Happy birthday!" She stepped forward, handing me the gift and collecting me in a hug. She stepped back, Coen handing her his phone to record the reaction. That settled my stomach with butterflies as my mind raced to know what was so good about this gift that he had to record my reaction.
"Don't upstage us McCallister!" Blair shouted out in a laugh. "Us too for that matter." Macy added, her face heavy with blush as he quickly tousled the top of her hair. "My bad, in advance." He held the bottom of the box as I pulled open the top.
An instant film camera. Pale yellow and soft to the touch. "It's already loaded." I removed it from the box, admiring its beauty. It was heavier than I imagined.
I looked back to Coen who was staring at my hands in impatient excitement. His fingers fiddled over it, pressing the power button. I brought it to my eye, taking a candid snapshot of Coen. He's my first picture.
He blushed. "I'm not photogenic."
"Complete lie." The picture printed and he held it in his fingers as everyone crowded around to see the photo. The black faded into color and there sat a polaroid of Coen, a large grin on his face, his eyes appearing to look straight at the camera.
"Aww Coen! I love it." His mother leaned into the photo, temporarily moving the recording cellphone out of the way, a giant smile on her face. I passed the photo to her. "Here's a memory for you." Her lips pouted, "Serenity, thank you."
"Of course." Coen's hands grasped at my shoulders and moved me around the middle of the room to find the best lighting. Once he was satisfied, he took a step back. "This is the perfect lighting. Picture two should be a selfie."
I swiveled forward to put both of us into the camera frame, but he stepped away. "A solo selfie. We can all bombard your photos later." He chuckled. I nodded, flipping the camera around so the lens was pointing at my face.
The flash gave me black dots in my vision as my eyes readjusted. This time, no one crowded as I waited for the film to develop. I gripped the edge of the white rectangle, looking at the table in front of me and Coen to pass the time. He smiled and clasped his hands together in front of his face.
"I think it developed." He spoke, and I looked down to see if it was finished. It was. And the photo had me dropping to my knees, much to everyone's amusement.
The photo was indeed a selfie, but the secret everyone had been hiding was that somehow, someway, Joey has slipped into the room and stood behind me while I took the photo. I felt hands wrapped around my shoulders and I immediately knew it was him.
I did even have to look. I turned around, wrapping my arms around his neck. I cried. I cried a lot. And for the first time in what had been many weeks, this cry was one of joy. "I missed you, Ren."
"I missed you too." I could hear my mother sniffling, and Macy quickly maneuvered in between to join us. Soon this became a large family group hug. Tears, bloodshot eyes, and smiles filled the room. "Was this apart of the gift or was the timing just impeccable?" I asked Coen.
"They bought me plane tickets!" Joey spoke, walking over to the both of them to give a gratuitous hug. "The McCallister's are dope. Thank you guys, once again."
He and his mom bought my brother plane tickets to fly to and fro in order to see me for my birthday. Wow.
I wanted my face to be read as happiness. I wanted any other emotions to be hidden and unreadable. Unnoticeable. But when it came to Coen, all my efforts failed. And as we connected a gaze from across the room, I was sure this time he knew all the feelings I had for him. They poured out from my heart, and I could not plug the hole even if I tried.
I had to leave. I gave the excuse that all the crying made me hot, and I needed a breather. But what I really needed was an escape. I needed to remove myself from his presence because God knows what I would do. He terrified me. Terrified me because he made me want to tell him things I wouldn't ever even admit to myself.
"Serenity. Are you okay? What's going on?" Coen's voice fell softly on my ears.
"Coen... I really want some space." I turned to look at him, but I couldn't connect our gaze. He stepped forward, taking off his jacket and placing it softly over my shoulders. "It's starting to snow. It's cold. Whatever it is, we can talk about it inside okay."
He pulled gently at my shoulders, but I stood steadfast. Unwavering. Instead of continuing his stalk toward the doors, he stopped and brought me closer to him. I could see the details of his face clearer than ever. Even as the fluffy snow flurries hung off the edges of my eyelashes. I gripped my hands trying to fight every urge within me, screaming to just let go.
I know myself. If I let go, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to come back.
We stood there, embraced in warmth against the cold breeze blowing past us. Time stood still. "Distractions." I let the words fall from my lips. A chuckle left after. "What?"
"Nostalgia. This is just like the night I kissed you. Instead of a suit, you're in a hoodie but here we are. The same movement of you giving me your coat. Stars littering the night sky. After all this time, all these changing events, after all this pain... you are still you."
"And you are you," He spoke with a smile. "And I know you, Serenity. I know there is more you're not saying. I'm not leaving you. I could never leave you."
And the kiss I so fiercely wanted to have at the moment was no distraction at all. In the moonlight, he looked gorgeous. His black hoodie a shadow, and his face the light. The snow fell down in soft heaps, blanketing the town around us. Crisp white. A blank canvas for me to write my own story. For me to paint the picture of us I so desperately wanted. For me to turn the hypotheticals I had dreamt about into a reality I could hold in the palm of my hand.
"Is this about you breaking off our friends-with-benefits arrangement?" He read through me like I was a window. Completely transparent. "I understand if you don't want to do it anymore. Don't stress about that—"
"I'm just going to be honest. Coen, in those moments I distracted myself with you, you unknowingly taught me all I needed to know about truth and transparency." I cut off his speech, and anxiety at my next words came across his face. This was it. Whatever I had left in me, I was ready to give every piece to him and let him solve the puzzle.
He nodded his head, not daring to speak. He simply watched and waited. The quiet surrounded us as I gathered up whatever courage I had left within me to say what finally needed to be said.
"And if I am to be as transparent as I can, I cannot simply be your friend. I thought I could. I thought I could have sex with you and hang out with you to justify my urge to be with you, but instead, it has left me hungry. An insatiable craving to be with you. To join you and never leave your side and it's killing me knowing that in a moment's notice, you can be with someone else." His face softened, and his lips parted in a small gasp.
"Serenity—" He began to speak but I quickly cut him off again. I didn't know whether this was going to end with him feeling the same way or with him deciding he never wanted to see me again. Either way, I was going to speak my truth. All of it.
"I want you, Coen. Without a doubt. And if I have ever been certain of anything, it is that you have always belonged with me, and I with you."
Without a single hesitation, he leaned forward and captured our lips into a kiss. A kiss so strong and passionate but gentle and kind. One made up of home, or the smell of the dry dirt soaked after it rained, or the warmth that spreads through your body when you take a sip of freshly made hot cocoa.
An all-consuming and audacious kiss filled with longing. A kiss between sun and moon that was to be named eclipse. Like the horizon line, it was a kiss between sky and earth. A kiss between blue eyes and brown. A kiss in greyscale colored by the lips of black and white. A kiss of passion and answered questions. A kiss of love returned in full.
He held me like this was the last kiss he would ever give and yet the knowledge dawned on both of us that this was indeed not the end, but the blossom of a beginning.