There is a quote by Neil Gaiman, one that I've held onto for a long time, but it isn't until now that I am finally able to understand it. It isn't until now that I have known what it's like to have your heart ripped from your chest, thrown to the floor and stomped on. Hacked into pieces and set on fire by the one person you possibly loved the most.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."
I've stayed in this room for the past 4 days, only coming out to shower or go to the bathroom. My life had become shit, I had become shit. He came in every few hours, checking up on me. I refused to look him in the eyes, or even respond to the voice that kills me on the inside every time I hear it. He left food on my nightstand every day, I barely touched it. I hated him for what he'd done. But I hated myself more for falling for his bullshit.
My mind refused to let me forget, it was filled with images of him, his voice, his body, just him. I'd tried to read my favorite novels, only to find that my brain would always jump to a memory we shared, or something he did. Even when I drew, I drew pictures of him. Neil Gaiman was right. I had spent year building walls around me, walls that no one has ever been able to break, then Aiden came along and they crashed to the ground like dominos.
For a split moment I let myself fall, let myself believe he was capable of love, that there could be something between us. Maybe we could actually work, maybe we could be something. But he just left me broken and in the dark, with a pain inside of my heart that wouldn't leave me alone. A tear fell down my cheek as I pondered the drawing before my eyes.
Questions flooded my mind. Why am I so broken? How could I love a monster, a criminal like him? What the fuck was wrong with me?
I tore the page from my sketchbook and began to crumple and rip it to shreds, as my sobs grew louder. I was pathetic, crying over a man who couldn't even give two shits about me. Crying over something as stupid and meaningless as love. I loved him, I loved him so much that I hated him for it. And the more I found that I loved him, the more I began to hate myself.
A soft knock came from the door, causing me too look up from the shredded mess of paper I'd created.
"What the fuck do you want?" I half screamed.
He opened the door slowly and stepped through, walking until her has right in front of me. He sat down cross legged, mirroring my position.
"Angel this needs to stop, you need to get out of this room, you need to eat." he looked right into my tear stained eyes.
"No Aiden what I need is for you to keep your fucking self the hell away from me." I snapped.
He remained quiet, taken aback by my outburst, but I wouldn't relent. "You said it yourself, this," I motioned between us "could never happen. So do me a favor and stay the fuck away from me. Because the more I have to see you and hear your voice, the harder things become." I saw a momentary flash of pain and sadness. What I said really hurt him, but seconds later it was gone, replaced with a hard expression.
My face no longer showed emotion. "Look I was worried about you, but if you want to act like the spoiled bitch you are then you can stay in this fucking room for the rest of your life!" he roared.
I flinched at the sound of his harsh tone. He abruptly stood and stomped over to the door.
"I'm leaving and don't you even think about leaving this fucking house. I will find you Kara, and I will kill you." his voice was low, threatening. It sent shivers down my spine.
He looked to me one final time before slamming the door. I held my breath until he went down the stairs, and slammed the front door. I stood from my position and walked slowly towards the door, making sure he was gone. I wasn't stupid enough to try and escape. I laid in bed just thinking about how much my life had turned to shit. And then I stood up and walked mindlessly as my feet carried me in front of that room.
I got down on my knees and grabbed my nail file and a bobby pin slowly working it inside. After about 5 minutes of toying with the lock I heard a familiar click. I wiped my eyes and stood up. I placed the nail file and bobby pin back into my room.
I walked back to the door, hand resting on the shiny knob. This was the moment of truth, the moment where I would finally get a glimpse of his secrets and past. Slowly I turned the knob and pushed the door open with caution. What was waiting for me n the other side, was something I had not expected.
It was a room, a teenage girl's room to be exact. There were posters of boy bands and various actors adorning the light pink walls. I took a step inside, not knowing what I was looking at. I paced around the room until I found a set of photographs, set on a desk. After flipping though the pictures for a few minutes I began to connect the dots. It was Aiden's' sister, Melissa.
She looked just like him, the same blond curls and vibrant blue eyes. There was a picture of them together, and never have I seen Aiden truly this happy. I looked at the date and frowned, it was taken before she died, before he came into her life. There were about a hundred pictures, Kate was in many of them.
I could see love and happiness in Melissa's eyes. She looked like a normal teenage girl, just like all the others. What happened to her was unfair, and it shouldn't have happened to anyone. Eventually I'd gone through all the photos.
I set the photos back down onto the desk and walked towards the bookshelf, noticing she had the same poetry book as I. The very one Aiden freaked out over me having. Hesitantly I pulled it from the shelf and opened it to the cover.
Happy birthday little bitch. You thought I never noticed, but I saw you eyeing this book for over the past month. don't say I never do anything nice for you, or that I don't care. In fact the only thing you can say, is thank you. And that I am the most amazing brother ever. Love you always - Aiden.
I smiled at his note. Good to know he was still the same asshole before as well. I put the book back and began to explore the rest of the room.
*******
I found out Melissa like me, loved to read, and draw. We also had the same fascination for blue lilies. It was odd how many similarities there was between us. In her I also saw my own sister. And in those few moment I realized why Aiden had closed himself off. He'd lost the only person he had in his life, the only person that he really cared about and loved.
My stomach sank and my heart froze in that instant, when the front door opened and slammed shut. Panic flooded through my veins as I heard him walking through the house. There was no way he could be back already. I couldn't have stayed in here that long. I shuffled over to the door and soundlessly shut it. I heard him begin to walk up the stairs.
My heart began to race at an impossibly fast rate. I backed up across the room with every step he took, until I smacked into her dresser and the photograph fell, scattering all over the floor. I covered my mouth with my hand as I sank to the floor, and slowly began picking them up, hoping he would just give up and go back downstairs.
I picked up the last photograph just as I heard him stop right before the door. I put them back onto the dresser and quickly ducked behind it. He opened the door moments later, closing it behind him. I closed my eyes and held my breath, praying he wouldn't find me, my heart raced. I heard the bed squeak as he sat onto it, sighing heavily.
"It's all so fucked up Mel." He began. I was surprised he spoke to her, something I often did when I visited Anna's grave.
"I can't stand to look at her when she is hurt and crying. It kills me even more to know I am the reason for her pain." he sounded so broken.
"I just don't know what to do Mel. I'm no good for her, but it feels so good and right when we are together. God I sound like a fucking wimpy romantic, but I can't help it. There is something about her, something that makes me want to change. I want to protect her, love her, give her the world."
His words made my heart break even more. It hurt to hear the truth, knowing that it pained him as well.
"But I can't. I'm a monster, and she needs to see me as one. She needs to know we can never happen, that I can never truly have her. You know I thought I was saving her from a shitty life. Her parents were such assholes Mel and she deserved so much more. She still does, she deserves more than me." A tear fell onto my cheek as I tried my best not to make a single sound.
He stood from her bed and walked by the dresser laying a blue lily on top. I held my breath knowing he was just a few feet away.
"I miss you Mel. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry I wasn't the brother you needed me to be." He walked towards the hallway and shut the door behind him.
I let out a heavy breath and stood from my position. I should never have done this, I felt like complete shit. Slowly I began walking towards the door as he walked down the hall, until the wooden floor squeaked beneath my feet.
I froze in place and just listened, he too had stopped walking. Fuck, please just keep walking, please.
I was able to breathe again when I heard him move from the door. I waited a good ten seconds before finally moving again. Slowly I shuffled forward, avoiding spots that may create a sound. I opened the door and took one step out, turning and closing it softly behind me. I was in the clear.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" his voice was low, threatening. I froze in place. My eyes looked right to his face, he looked as if he was plotting to skin me alive right there.
"I...I...I was...wrong door. I went to the wrong door." my voice began to falter.
He moved in closer and cornered me against the wall. His face showed no emotion, though I knew he was pissed.
"Don't you dare fucking lie to me Kara." his voice became louder.
"I...I...I just." I had no idea what to even say.
"I said fucking tell me!" his face was inches from mine, I flinched away until my head hit the wall.
A tear escaped from my eyes, he looked like he wanted me dead. I couldn't speak. My words lodged in my throat as I tried desperately to say something.
"I warned you Kara. I told you to stay away from that room. Why couldn't you just fucking stay away?" his fist made contact with the wall by my head.
I moved my head to the side, to avoid his hand, I as stood there practically shaking in my skin.
"Aiden please, I just, I needed to know." I tried reasoning with him.
"That's your fucking problem. You need to know everything. And you never know when to fucking quit and mind your own business! You fucking bitch!" he roared.
"Aiden-" I was screwed.
"No! You won't get out of this. I have given you too much room." I was done for.
He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me towards my room. His fingers dug into my skin, surely I would have bruises in an hour.
"Aiden. Please, you're hurting me." Tears gave way as he tightened his grip of my arm.
He pushed me into the room, causing me to stumble forward and fall to me knees.
"I should've fucking killed you when I was given the chance. You're nothing but a worthless spoiled bitch. One who needs to learn her place." He slammed the door behind him and locked it.
Never have I seen him so angry, so ready to be set off. Never have I been this scared of him. And I should be, he could kill me if he wanted to. Never had I seen him raise a hand at me or grab me like that.
I laid on the floor, and curled up into a ball, trying my hardest to hold myself together. I had ruined it all. I was the one who turned him against me, and I hated myself for it. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why couldn't I just let it go?
He hated me, he hated me with everything he had, and he should. I broke the trust he tried so hard to build, and in a way I broke everything that he cared about. Maybe I deserved to die, God knows I've done too much to be forgiven for. I was the monster, not him. And that would haunt me forever.
I stayed on the floor for the longest time, sniffling and crying until I had no tears to cry. I should've left when I had the chance, I should've gone and never looked back. But I couldn't, because a sick and twisted part of me loved him, and loved the pain he caused me. Because that same part knew I deserved this. Knew I didn't deserve his love, no, I deserved to hurt, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I carried my wasting self from the floor and onto the bed. No longer having the energy to move or even think, I just laid there, staring at the ceiling. I stared at the grooves until my eyes became so heavy from today, that they finally shut. Sleep is something that is meant to bring peace and rest. But not for me. All I could dream of was him.