"Um, Katherine? What are you doing?" he asks me quizzically. I search my mind for a response that would explain why I have shown up in his room uninvited, but everything is blank.
"Is everything okay?" he asks, obviously confused by my lack of ability to effectively communicate at the moment. Deep breath Katherine.
"I'm sorry, I should have texted or something." I say quietly, and he raises an eyebrow. I realize I am picking at my cuticles, and place my hands behind my back. If I don't start talking this is going to get painfully awkward very fast, and I can't imagine it being much worse than it already is.
"Well, I just needed to ask you something. Have you- Well do you go to the bookstore? You know the one where you trade books in and out?" I finally get out a string of words.
"Uh, I have in the past? Why? This is weird, Katherine." He responds, and I want to jump in a hole and bury myself alive.
"There is a book. I mean, I found a book there and read it..." I keep trying to get the thoughts out of my mind.
"That is typically what one does when they go to a bookstore." The sarcasm in his voice is thick.
"Of course... I am only telling you this because there was something written in the back of it. It's probably a huge coincidence and I know I sound crazy. There are probably a ton of BD's that have come in and out of that place over the years. it's just, well what was written... it sounds like you. I just wanted to know if you wrote it." I breathe a sigh of relief once the words are finally out of my mouth.
"What did it say?" he asks quietly, and I can't sense the curiosity in his voice.
"That no matter how strong we are, someone out there will make us weak. And that love will destroy us. I am paraphrasing of course." He watches me with intent as I repeat the words from the back of the novel. "You just- I mean, when I saw it... I could picture you writing it. Can you just tell me if you did?"
He bites his lip, and it looks like he is conflicted on how he wants to answer my question. His eyes meet mine, and I can tell that he has made a decision. "Love in the Times of Cholera, right?" His voice is low, and I get the feeling he is embarrassed. I feel like I have caught him red-handed, even though he has done nothing wrong. I nod.
"Yeah, a while back though." His quiet admission tugs on my heartstrings. "I uh, had just gone through some stuff. It's not a big deal, really."
"What you went through, is that why you don't have relationships?" I know I am majorly overstepping, but I have to take this opportunity while I can.
"Yes." he answers flatly, and does not elaborate. I cock my head to the side and eye him cautiously. I cannot decide whether or not I should take this as my queue to leave it alone, or if I should press my luck and keep asking questions. At this point, what do I have to lose?
"Was it a girlfriend? Did she break your heart?" I ask softly. Imagine my surprise when he laughs, loudly.
"Are you serious right now?" he scoffs. "Do you really think some teenage bitch broke my heart and turned me cold? That a little high school relationship fucked me up that bad? You really are naive." His tone is harsh, and I regret opening my stupid mouth.
"I was only trying to-" He cuts me off.
"Only trying to do what? Fix me? Like you would even have the slightest inkling on how to do that?" The anger in his voice makes me take a step back. "I think you just like to meddle in things that don't concern you. We already know you like to poke around in people's things." His voice is now even louder.
"Did your little novels teach you how to mend broken men, Katherine? Are my feelings for you going to save me? I've known you for a week. Are you going to show me what love really is? Are you going to make me believe that people are capable of being with one person for the rest of their life? That marriage isn't some bullshit sham to make people feel better about themselves?" At this point I am just letting him speak. This is obviously something that he needs to get off his chest. I force myself not to cry as he continues.
"It doesn't exist. I am sorry to shatter your juvenile fantasies, but it's the truth. I had to learn the hard way. Watching my father bend his secretary over the desk while my mother is oblivious sitting in their million dollar beachfront condo has that effect on a boy. She worships him, you know? He didn't give a shit though. He didn't even care that I was at his office that day. He didn't think I would see." He is shaking, and I just want to hold him.
"Oh my God, Beau. I am so sorry you had to witness that." The tears threaten to fill my eyes as I realize that the reason he doesn't believe in love or monogamy is because the person who he was meant to look up to had broken his vows. He had seen his father cheat on his mother, and suddenly the tension between the two of them made sense. "Does she know?" I ask.
"Of course she doesn't know. Do you really think I could hurt her like that? It already killed her when I left. I couldn't be here anymore. I couldn't watch him pretend to love her." he cries out.
"You wouldn't have been the one who hurt her, Beau. Your father did." I say softly. I take a step towards him, but he turns away from me. I take another step forward and place my hand on his arm. "You didn't do anything wrong. You saw something that you should have never seen, but that doesn't make any of this your fault." I am surprised when he doesn't pull away from me.
He sits down on the bed, and I slowly sit next to him. His face is void of any emotion, and I worry that he is going to start yelling again. "You know that, right? That this isn't your fault? Does he know that you saw him?" I ask.
"Yeah, I think the broken nose was a good indication that I saw." he replies, and I bring my hand to my mouth in shock.
"You- You hit him?" I say in disbelief.
"Yeah. Then I left, and didn't come back for a year." His voice is low, and pained. He can no longer hide the sadness in his eyes. My heart aches for this broken man who sits before me. He is hurting. The reason he behaves the way he does is because he is in pain. He feels constant guilt when looking at his mother, and resentment when looking at his father. His siblings are clueless. He takes the brunt of this emotional trauma, and shields everyone around him from it. Tears are falling from my eyes onto my cheeks, and I bury my face into his chest.
"What- Why are you crying?" he asked, alarmed at my sudden show of despair. It takes me a moment to gather myself enough to answer.
"Because you are incredible, Beau. You are trying so hard to protect everyone around you from the truth, but who is protecting you? You live with this horrible secret so that your mother and siblings don't have to. You aren't the heartless person you pretend to be. In fact, you may have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met." The tears continue to fall as I speak. "My heart is breaking for you."
He grasps my face with both hands and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. "You have no clue how amazing you are, Katherine Wilder." The words come out as barely a whisper. I think he may kiss me, until I hear his mother gently knock at the door.