Spitting anger fills me. It might be called rage, were it less contained. Even so, my hands clench repeatedly, muscles shaking with the desire to destroy, driving me to pace and lash my tail just to keep my body occupied and not attacking.
The humans huddle together, weapons easily thrown aside, and I find myself seething as Shadow surveys them for hidden strategies. I want to fight--I want revenge! But these humans cower, their attack gone so quickly it might as well not have existed.
Shadow can tell I'm roiling with anger, but his iron-clamped emotions don't show themselves in front of our enemies. Instead, his voice is calm and clipped as he singles out the person who appears of highest rank, a scientist of some horrendous manner who was hiding behind the grunt soldiers.
"Where did you get the genetic material to create these?" My blood brother queries with a scary calmness, and the man quails, fumbling with his sweating hands. He doesn't answer, though, and Shadow takes a silent breath. "Let's try that again. Where. Did. You. Get. Those. Genetics?" Shadow's voice reverberates with icy anger now, a sharp contrast to my fiery, shaking rage.
"Samples!" The man squeaks, holding his hands closer to himself as if it will protect him. "Samples! Blood samples! Tissue, too! From your injuries!"
"My injuries?" Shadow questions, jaw tightening. I pause in my compulsory movements, even my cutting tail hovering stilly.
"Yours! Both of yours! Yours were second, after the ones from that." The man looks fearfully at me, and my knuckles crack as my fists tighten.
"'That,' eh?" I growl, words harsh like broken glass. "You think I mean nothing to you? I mean a world to you compared to how little you mean to me, you f--"
"Eclipse," Shadow warns, interjecting, and I gnash my teeth in frustration. "Why did you create these?" He interrogates, returning his attention to the human.
Filth, I finish, glaring such potent daggers at the man that I'm surprised he doesn't express physical pain. Wretch. Animal. Insect. Scum. They call me a monster, but you...!
"It was orders! I don't know why, just that the higher ups wanted as many varieties as possible!" The human says helplessly, and I feel Shadow's anger flare through the hivemind, though his outward appearance does not betray it.
"There's no hiding behind superiors when you're tried for your crimes," he replies gravelly, leaving only me aware how much he loathes the man's cowardice. "Answer the question. What were these creations for?"
"Combat," the man responds shakily, and Shadow's eyes gleam calculatively.
I figured. We can find out more later, when tech gets ahold of the files here, he thinks, including me in the thought.
It would be best if I were not around this man when that happens, I note, and he mentally mimics a sound of grim amusement.
"Looks like you've got some baggage," a familiar voice notes from the doorway, and my eyes dart up to see Andrews appear with a good portion of Spider Troupe. "We'll take it off your hands. Let's go, friends." He gives a clear gesture to the huddle of people, and I can hear in the shortness of his voice that he's about as fed up as he can be. They shuffle towards him, obviously still nervous but eager to escape Shadow and I's potential wrath.
I glare at the last stragglers as they finally leave, but my tenseness lessens somewhat once Shadow and I are alone. We stand in the silence, consciously loosening our muscles and taking a minute to breath. After some time, Shadow moves towards the doorway himself, speaking.
"Spider Troupe is taking care of the prisoners, and Andrews reports the building is clear. The other half of the unit, including Rouge, has joined Topaz as ground support. Now, units will evacuate the prisoners taken and do damage control, so there's not much left for us to do." He pauses, giving me time to absorb the information. I stare at the floor, mind turning over things I'm still unable to deal with, and he seems to understand.
I lift my head silently, turning and walking back to the chamber I first approached. I place my palm on it, torn by how easy it would be to reach in and touch the life within and what I would be losing if I did. I stand for an indeterminable time, memories and emotions washing over me with somber clarity. I can tell this is goodbye to my broken dream of restarting my kind, and I don't fight it. Instead, I feel the coolness of the chamber and the slight energy of the being within, taking in everything to remember this forever.
Eventually, even eternity comes to an end, and I lower my hand, stepping back. It takes a lot of strength to look away from the creatures, as if the tragic creations exude their own gravity. I meet Shadow's eyes, glowing embers meeting shining crimson in a silent sharing of grief.
"Do you want a moment?" Shadow asks, silhouetted in the light from the hallway. I glance back, taking a last, long look over the poor, deformed soldiers, floating in the half-light.
"No," I answer softly, gathering my will and turning back. "Let's go."
As we exit the room, my eyes steal one last glance. For a moment, I'm face to face with my past, able to see all the horrors I didn't before, and then it's gone. I've officially turned my back on recovering my past.
My heart aches that it feels so free.
...
The grass around me rustles as the wind sweeps through it, the waving blades just becoming visible beneath the deep blue sky of dawn. The wind sounds almost like water, and I let its dull roar drown my thoughts in sound, appreciating the momentary relief from emotions and grief.
I sit at the top of a slight hill, watching as if from another planet the activity down below. Humans swarm only a hundred yards away, G.U.N. soldiers escorting seemingly endless lines of prisoners out of the squat, ugly complex, but it feels like a foreign world that I can only look into.
On another day, on another world, the beautiful weather and physical exhaustion might cause me to slip into sleep, but I don't feel tired. My eyes blink slowly, still glistening from earlier tears, yet they're alert and still absorbing everything. I can tell my mind is working overtime, and I know I'm most likely going to mentally and emotionally crash later, but I feel nothing right now. Nothing but the wind coiling around my limbs and the rush of the grass in my ears.
My preoccupation with allowing my consciousness to slip away into the landscape is such that I don't hear the approaching footsteps until they're only a few feet from my back. I tense involuntarily, though I doubt the person is a threat, nearly given the impetus to turn around but not yet experiencing the desire to.
"We need to talk," says the person, and I open my eyes lazily, not having even known they were closed.
"That's rather more aggressive than usual," I note, looking up, and Shadow flicks his ear.
"Well, it's not an option. We need to talk," he repeats, and I frown, feeling my mind come back from its beginning wisps of sleep to full alertness.
"Yes?"
"I'm going to ask you a question, and I need you to give me an honest answer," he continues, and I feel a slight apprehension tug in my chest. "Can you do that?"
"I can," I reply, and he raises an eye ridge, crossing his arms.
"Will you?"
"Yes," I say, suddenly exasperated. I can feel how unsteady my emotions are, exhaustion and stress making me easily irritable, and I try to calm myself. "I can't guarantee I'll have a good answer, though."
"That's fine, I just want to make sure you're thinking about this," Shadow responds, sitting down next to me and seeming less annoyed himself, now.
"Yes?" I ask, slightly impatient but also a little scared. Whatever it is even-more-serious-than-usual Shadow wants me to think about, I feel quite sure it's hardly bunnies and rainbows, what with the situation and all. Just an odd hunch.
"Are the creations in there--and the Black Arms in general--the same as the people you've known here these past months?" He questions, and I freeze from my gaze down to the tip of my tail. "Define it however you want; I want to know what you think."
"I--what?" I say, shocked. "Are they the same?" I drop my gaze to the ground, looking at the dark green grass with a nearly comical look of helplessness. "I mean, they're not the same. What does that even mean, though?"
Shadow doesn't answer, instead simply looking at me attentively with his crimson eyes.
"I--I--this is hardly fair!" I exclaim, frustrated. "What do you even mean?"
He remains silent, and I clench my teeth in frustration.
"I mean, obviously, they're not physically the same," I grumble at last, unsure what else to say. "They're hardly the same species. And mentally..." My voice dies, and something in me shatters with it as I realize what Shadow's asking. "Oh."
My realization is quiet, but Shadow picks up on it, and he gives me a sympathetic look, which appears very odd on his usually stoic face.
"They're...not the same, are they?" I ask, somber.
"That's for you to answer, not me," he says softly, possibly the closest to 'kind' I've ever heard him. "I just want to know..."
"...what I think. I know," I sigh, running my left hand over my skull as I raise my eyes to the sky. "Chaos, I don't know. I didn't expect this question."
"That's why I'm asking it."
"You always did like being difficult," I snort, but my hearts aren't in it. "Mentally... I suppose there's the human lack of the hivemind, but a child could tell you that. As for minds..." I pause, not really meaning to but unable to get the words out. "For the majority of my species, humans are a good bit more intelligent..."
Shadow, of course, sees right through my attempt at deflection, and I cringe as he opens his mouth to ask something. I can't deny that I'm afraid of the answer, afraid to make this decision.
"Would you say they think in the same way?" He asks quietly, and I swallow.
"I--I mean, not really..." At first, my throat tightens, but something flares in my stomach, and I growl out before I can stop myself. "If this is about Black Soldiers being mindless--"
"It's not," he says simply, and I snarl.
"Sure it's not!" I growl, angry. "Well, no, if you'd like to know, they don't think in the same way! Humans are complex and intelligent, and Soldiers are instinct and malleability! They're monsters, just like humans like to say! So, there, are you happy now?! Black Arms are nothing like your precious humans!"
A sudden rush of emotion wallops me through the hivemind, and I stop, feeling like I've just been hit in the face with an icy bucket of water. Shadow stares at me, gaze piercing, and I withdraw, suddenly wanting to hide. While he does seem angered, it's less out of fear that I want to move away and more shame. That's the feeling; shame, roiling in my abdomen. I turn away from him, unable to let myself move farther, clutching my knees to my chest in guilt.
I expect him to talk, to chastise me or at least to say something, but the silence stretches onwards. I can barely bear it, firmly stuck between fear of what he's thinking of me and the discomfort I feel with myself, but he shows no sign of doing anything as the minutes stretch on.
"I didn't mean that," I whisper, afraid to glance back and clutching tighter to myself, wrapping my tail around my legs protectively. "I know how much they mean to you... I feel the same way. I'm sorry, I was angry--"
"You damn well didn't mean that," Shadow grumbles, and I nearly collapse from the release of tension as he moves to cross his arms again behind me. "Be careful what you say, Eclipse; someone might just take it seriously one day."
"I'm sorry!" I cry out, managing to turn to face him but not letting go of my curled-up position. "I don't know why I say these things, I just do! I don't know why I think them, either, they just happen! I mean, I care for Agatha more than almost anything, more than even Father!" I freeze, but the words are out, and their stark truth burns me like frostbite. "And... I don't know if that's bad. I feel like I shouldn't even think that, much less let it be true."
"Eclipse, there's nothing wrong with that," Shadow says sternly, but I don't sense anger from him anymore. "You learned what friendship was only a few months ago... There's a difference between love and loyalty, friendship and servitude. Black Death was all you knew... But now you know more. It makes sense that you have more of a capacity to care now, and you shouldn't worry about changing for the better. They're dead and gone, anyway."
"But, I'm the last of my kind," I say, helpless. "I need to--"
"No, you don't. They're gone, Eclipse, gone. Their rules don't apply anymore. You are the last of your kind, and you decide what your species is now. Black Death has no hold over you, nor should he. Any obligation you feel, it's all in your head." He stops, sighing, and I swallow, blinking back tears. "And I understand that. I suffered from it for my entire first year out of stasis. I had to realize by myself that the past shouldn't define my entire life; I don't want you to have to go that long without guidance. So, this is my message to you; let your beliefs, your worries, your fears--let them all go. You are allowed to change and be a happier, better person. You're under no obligation to continue following the edicts of someone who is long dead and better off for it. Don't feel bad for feeling happy and enjoying your life."
For a moment, I sit in shock, floored that he just addressed issues I didn't even know I had. But, some part of me nods thoughtfully, understanding forming. Deciding whether or not to cling to my heritage has been an issue ever since I first contacted G.U.N., possibly even before that, but I've put it on the metaphorical back burner for so long that I have trouble considering it now.
On one hand, Shadow's right, plain and simple. On the other hand, I have untold reasons to maintain my connection with my past. But, then again, Shadow didn't say to sever it--he said to stop letting it define me. And, have I not already done that?
Pervasive thoughts still strike me, of course, as they have several times today. Doubts about the value of human lives and people in the endless void of the universe make me distraught late at night, as well as questions about my purpose at this point in my life. I know one thing, though; I was created as the new generation for my species, and I've certainly ended up that, if in a way I never expected to.
"I do want to adapt," I begin hesitantly, considering this weighty crossroads. "But, I don't have to get rid of everything from my past. I can take what I have left and incorporate it into my life now, can't I?"
"Do you have something in mind?" Shadow inquires, and I nod sheepishly.
"The Dark Arms have been in hiding all this time... And, I know they'll follow me in my decision. They could be a great asset to G.U.N.--" I say, starting to make the case I've been planning for months.
"Eclipse, Commander Tower is the one to talk about that with, not me," Shadow interrupts, and I shrug.
"I know. I need to practice," I answer, a moment passing before he smirks, and I grin. "I would have brought it up sooner if it weren't for, you know, the trust issues and this whole fiasco..."
"Fiasco is a good word for it," Shadow sighs, and we both look at the compound.
"It hasn't gotten any less ugly," I observe, hoping for some humor to break the silence.
"No, but it sure held a lot more ugliness than we could see," Shadow replies, exactly the sort of meaningful, philosophical answer I was hoping to avoid.
"Like Rouge's eyeshadow?" I query, and Shadow blinks.
"What?" He chuckles, and I shrug.
"Just lightening the mood," I say simply, a fresh gust of wind cool on my face as it makes the grass rustle.
"After today? I could use that," Shadow answers, solemn. I nod, agreeing quietly.
"Honestly? I think the only reason people use humor is because they, themselves, need it," I mention, gazing out over the slight hills and ocean of grass. "I need it." The last part comes out slightly choked, but Shadow doesn't say anything, for which I'm eternally grateful.
"I promise it gets better," he replies, sincerity in his words. I smile ruefully, moving to cup my chin in my hand.
"I'm going to hold you to that," I say, earning a smirk.
"I hope you do," he agrees as we return our eyes to the activity below. "I hope you do..."
Author's Note: *screech of schoolwork* Hey, all! This is absolutely a first draft, finished tonight in a block of time I wasn't expecting to have, but I wanted to get it out to you. I know you've been waiting for this, and I deeply appreciate the patience you all have shown. This chapter may change slightly as it gets edited (hopefully not majorly, but one can never be sure), but the main ideas are here. Eclipse's development up to this point has been lacking some of the points I addressed here, which is why I'm going to start going back to earlier chapters and tweaking them some. Spring break is the week after next for me, so I should have time then to revise previous chapters.
As for the new chapter after this one, it needs a rewrite (the draft is from almost a year ago, if not more), but I'll work on it whenever I can. I hope you enjoyed! Please comment on what surprised or moved you, on your favorite part of this chapter--I love reading your thoughts. Thank you for reading! (Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an editor to apologize to...)