Luke and I took our seats in the far back left corner of the gymnasium, behind the speaker systems and the spotlights. Away from the crowds, mostly so that no one would chuck stuff at me.
I never quite understood the motive behind why most people treated me the way they did. I wasn't mean. At least I didn't think I was. I could be sarcastic at times, but that was hardly an excuse to treat me like a piece of fish that sat on the counter overnight. My mother's behaviour on the other hand, I understood to a certain extent. She had lost the same thing I did that day, after all.
"We can hang out after school. You'd like that, right?"
The air left my lungs, a small shudder escaping me. That was not something I needed to think about right now. I nervously glanced at Luke. As expected, he was looking at me with narrowed eyes, trying to dissect my expression. Why was it that he had to inspect every detail when I didn't want him to? No, I was not okay, but I obviously couldn't tell him that. He'd go nuts for the rest of the day wanting to know why I was so upset.
"Seriously though, Terra, you do not seem like yourself," Luke stated. I turned to look at him and was taken aback by the concern laced through every inch of his expression. "Let's get you out of here." He said. He was reading too much into this.
"No, I'm okay, I told you." I said hastily. He was catching on. Not good.
"I'll meet you in the back parking lot, but make sure you come alone."
The flashback shot through my mind like a bullet from a gun, and much to my dismay, my hands shook as I felt the fear forcing itself down my throat to squeeze my lungs, and the stupid tear stubbornly rolling down my cheek. The instant that happened, before I could even wipe the infernal thing away, Luke grabbed my hand and pulled me up to my feet.
"No. You're not okay," He said strongly, determination shining in his gaze. I knew trying to convince him otherwise at this point would be useless, so I just let him lead me away.
He took me out to the front of the school, near where his car was parked.
"You don't have to talk about what's bothering you, but please don't lie to me about how you're feeling." He said, a hint of sadness in his eyes. I hated lying to him, and I knew I wasn't good at it, but I didn't think I could bring myself to talk about what happened that day.
My hands were still shaking as I tried to calm myself down, but before I knew it, a few more tears escaped the Fort Knox I'd like to think my tear ducts were. Sadly, today was just not the best day for me.
"It's really not a big deal, we should go back inside." I said through the foreboding constriction of my throat.
Do not cry. Hold it together, girl. Do. Not. Cry.
"If we don't hurry we'll be late for Psych." I said, starting to walk back towards the school. Luke sighed, and pulled me back to where I had been before.
"You are far more important to me than my psychology class." He said, his brow furrowing slightly.
'Don't hurt Kenneth! Me! I'm the one you want!'
'Get out of here, Terra!'
My brother's voice reverberated through my mind, and I choked on my own breath as more tears crawled their way down my cheek. I tried to hide my face from Luke, but he had already seen the tears.
"Terra. What on earth is going on? You're scaring me." He said. He knew something was up. Cat was out of the bag, and running down the street. I mean guess it always was in a way, it was just never bad enough to ask about before. Seems I'd gone and ruined that.
"You dummy." He said as he gently wiped a tear off of my face. I gave him a look of confusion. "You know you can tell me anything right?" He said, pausing to search for the right words.
"I'm always going to be there for you, no matter what you're going through. I can't watch you be sad and not want to help you," He took a deep breath in. "You're too important to me for that." He finished with a gentle smirk.
I laughed, but my throat was tight from the mild meltdown I almost had, thus, my laugh sounded like a dying cat. I really hated crying.
"Thanks." I said. This man was far too patient with me, and I knew it. I attempted a smile, even though I probably looked ridiculous with my tear-streaked cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. He just smiled back, and leaned in for a hug.
Now for whatever reason, I panicked, and I panicked hard. So, instead of returning the hug like I had done a plethora of times before, I semi-stopped him, and it turned into one of those horribly awkward side hugs. You know, the kind you give relatives at the good 'ole family reunion? One hand over the shoulder and pull in, extra pat on the back if you think you've met them once or twice before. I mentally face-palmed.
Why am I like this.
Why.
Cautiously glancing up, I caught sight of Luke's shocked eyes locked onto me. I really couldn't blame him for being put-off by my actions. Truth be told, I was just as flustered, if not more. Why did I do that? There was no purpose really, it had just felt awkward and—Oh.
I jerked myself away from him, quickly feeling my face blush tomato red. I knew I had liked him, but clearly I hadn't realized just how deep this crush of mine really ran.
Had...had I fallen for him and not realized it? What even was love exactly, and how was I supposed to know if I was in it? I'd never been given love...at least not the romantic kind. The only person I could think of that loved me in any capacity was Kenneth. A wave of sadness ran through me. I guess I knew what his kind of love was, at least.
His kind of love was caring for someone so much that he placed them before himself. He always put the needs of others before his own. I laughed bitterly to myself.
I'd like to say that I do that for Luke, but all I ever seem to do is be a burden to him. I mean, I was very dependent on him, and he really didn't get anything out of the deal. If I didn't have him, I'd be lost in a world where nobody cared about me. I'd lose my light. Maybe I was in love with him...but how could I know for sure?
I needed him, and I knew if push came to shove, I would always have his back. I would do just about anything to make sure he was okay. Was that...my kind of love?
I looked up at Luke, who was still watching at me curiously. I coughed, rocked back and forth on my heels, and took a deep breath in.
"Uhhh, well, I should probably get going." I said quickly, feeling myself begin to blush again. As I turned to walk away, Luke grabbed my hand, and my heart started beating a million miles a minute.
"Don't you need your bag? And also a ride home? Your house is a twenty minute walk from here—"
"No! Uh—no. I'll get my bag later. Nothing important in there. And walking's fine. I could use the exercise." I muttered awkwardly. Why was I acting this way? It had never been like this before. Maybe this 'love' business wasn't such a good thing after all. Not if it made me into a bumbling idiot.
"Well...if you say so." He said softly, letting go of my hand. He stood there watching me go with a very concerned look on his face. I gave an awkward wave goodbye, and swiftly turned around and started speed walking away.
I frowned. This feeling was weird, and I wasn't sure whether to reject it or embrace it. I honestly wasn't even sure I wanted to act on either of those options. My brows knitted themselves into a confused line. Either way, I had just made myself look like a complete fool and a half. Wonderful.
I let out an exasperated sigh as I hastily made my way back home, contemplating how I should bring my mess of feelings up with Luke. I didn't want to, but I needed to tell him how I felt. I knew if I didn't, this bumbling idiocy would just continue to get worse and worse. Definitely not something I wanted to happen.
"Ugh!" I exclaimed aloud, knotting my hands into my topknot. I just wanted to get home, curl up burrito-style in a blanket, and write music until my hand felt like it was going to fall off. I frowned. Well, way to go, genius me—I didn't have my music folder. It was still in my bag. Which was—surprise—in Luke's car.
I paused my walk and took a slow, deep breath in. This was not the end of the world. I could always just write on scrap paper and stick it in there later on. Yes. Yeah. Good. I closed my eyes and exhaled, rubbing my temples.
Feelings frickin' sucked.
Ah, confusing youthful feelings for our little cinnamon roll. Lol.
Terra's really in for it, lemme tell ya.
Anyways, as per usual, comment, let me know what you think. Did something make you laugh? Cry? Throw your phone? Confuse the heck outta you? I would love to know these things!
Thanks for reading! See you in the next chapter!
- Lady Wazzy