Song:Guilty
Jason Chen
Character:Allen F Jones/ 2p
A
merica
Warning: none
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Allen
I woke up to the creaking of the bed springs, and the shifting of covers. I looked over my shoulder at the naked girl stretching with her back to me. Love marks littered her (s/c) body, and I smiled to myself knowing I had put those there.
"Morning, doll" I said rolling over to face her. him sat up planting a soft kiss on her shoulder. The (h/c) girl leaned back into my touch. Her skin was warm to the touch, and molded perfectly with mine.
"I told you not to call me that" she said in a soft voice.
"Fine" I sighed playfully burying my face in her neck, "morning, (y/n)"
"Good Morning" she said pushing herself off the bed.
I watched her as she dressed back in her clothes from last night. I watched the was her body moved in a way that made her irresistible.
Ever since the first time we hooked up a few months ago we've shared a friends-with-benefits relation ship. I grew attached to her sometime ago. She was the only woman I've been with in the months I've known her.
Are you scarred by what he put you through?
Is that why you treat me like you do?
I wanted some commitment between us, but she refuses. After her last relationship she seems to have given up. We say 'I love you' every night we spend together, but she doesn't seem to understand I mean it.
"(y/n)" I whined as she brushed her hair with her fingers. "You should stay with me,"
Anyone could've seen the request as asking her to stay in the house longer, but she knew I was asking her for more.
You keep building walls that i can't break through
What can i do to prove myself to you?
She glared at me softly, "you know I can't"
"Can't or won't?"
Her face held a cold stare "won't"
That hurt. A lot. I've tried for months to get her to open up to me, to let me in. I try to be what she needs, what she wants, but I don't even know where to start.
"What do you want from me?" I ask her with a sad expression, "what do I have to give you so you can see that I'm worthy? Money? Drugs? More sex?"
She didn't say anything. And it hurt.
"What can I do to prove myself to you?"
Just because he wasn't faithful doesn't make me a cheater
Just because he just wasn't true doesn't make me a liar
I stood up putting my hands on her shoulders, rubbing soothing circles with my thumbs, "I know I'm not the best person. But I won't lie or cheat you..."
"That's what he said too" she growled quietly avoiding my eyes.
"I'm not him"
She looked at me with teary (e/c) eyes, "Allen, I won't make the same mistake twice. Not with you or anyone else"
And with that she left the apartment.
Can't you see that he ain't me? (he ain't me)
This is now how it's supposed to be
No way i can win, guilty until proven innocent
Now I'm paying for his sins
I punched the wall angerly. If I knew who hurt her I would kill them. Its unfair. I haven't done anything wrong. Yet I'm the one who takes the fall.
All I want is her. All I want is to be her everything. I just want her to want me so I can help her. I want her to see I'm not him!
My knuckles were torn and sore. The wall was stained in blood. I hadn't realized till now, but tears burned hot in my red eyes.
I've never loved anyone like this before. I mean, I love my brothers, Oliver, Matt, and Francisco. But when it comes to (y/n) I can't stomach the hurt from it. With my brothers I have no problem drowning pain, but I just can't do that with her.
The shouting seeming all like deja vu
Cause i can't stand the thought of hurting you
But you keep pushing me farther away
Even when I'm begging you to stay
Her voice rang in my head.
"That's what he said too...."
"I not making the same mistake twice...."
She thinks I'm like him. That I'm a liar, that I'm a cheater....
Can't she see I'm not him? I could never hurt her.... I would never be like him.
Even though I've been the one who makes her feel better, I'm the one who stays up with her when she's upset, I'm still the one she won't let get close.
I can ask and plead as much as I want, but in the end, she'll still leave in the morning.
Just because he wasn't faithful doesn't make me a cheater
Just because he just wasn't true doesn't make me a liar
I'm so much better for her than him. I'm so much more. I admit I'm a liar, a thief, a cheat, and a murderer. I've done awful things to good people.
But I can be better, I will be better for her. If she would just see I'm not him.
I'm not sure what I will have to do to make her see that. I'm not sure if I can. As always I'm a failure.
I wiped the tears from my eyes grinding my teeth together in frustration, "who needs her? She's just a girl" I hiss to myself.
As I start to get dressed a though runs through my head.
'She's the girl I love...'
****** timeskip******
(y/n) stopped by the apartment after work to make dinner. She was an excellent cook when she wanted to be. We ate in silence, there really wasn't anything to say to each other.
The quiet apartment was filled with the clank of the silverware on the plates, and a rare shuffle when one of us moved in our chairs.
I wanted to talk to her, wanted to ask her to reconsider being mine, but I couldn't get the words to form. I hated myself for it.
I looked up to see (y/n) looking at me with sad eyes.
"Something wrong, doll?" I asked meeting her gaze.
She shook her head, not bothering to call me out because of her nickname. It was such a small thing, but its absence made me uneasy.
"Then why ya starin'?"
She stood up placing her plate in the sink, and began to run dish water. She didn't respond, again. She's always ignoring me, and I hate it.
Can't you see that he ain't me? (he ain't me)
This is now how it's supposed to be
No way i can win, guilty until proven innocent
Now I'm paying for his sins
"Hey, doll" I said, "(y/n), answer me."
She ignored again. And I could feel anger swelling in my chest.
"(y/n) (l/n), don't ignore me"
Still nothing.
"Are you still pissed about this morning?" I asked not expecting an answer, "you still comparing me to him?"
She didn't say anything as she began to wash dishes.
I can't take it anymore. I stood up walking to her. I turned her around by her shoulders, grabbing her chin forcing her to look at me.
"Why are you so hell bent on driving me crazy?"
She just stared at me unfazed.
Something about looking at her (e/c) as the reflected my own red ones, made all the anger wash from me. My hands cupped her face as my thumbs ran over her cheeks.
"Why do you make me love you?"
I connected our lips, she kissed back almost immediately. Her soft, warm lips against my own made me feel lighter. Our lips moved in sync as she ran her fingers through my dark maroon colored locks, my hands on her waist.
It's unfair to compare
Every time you needed me I've been right there
I just know i can't hold on
Unless you let it go
We separated for air, but stayed intertwined.
"Why do you do that?" I asked her
"Why do you stick around if you don't care about me?"
Her lips twitched as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't. I didn't really care for another lecture on how she wouldn't be mine, or that we were just friends. I just wanted her.
I connected our lips again. This kiss was more heated, and angry. Not the sweet or lazy kisses we normally shared.
Our tongues danced as hands slid along the other.
Before long clothes were being removed. Her shirt, was off and her jeans undone as she sat on the counter with me between her legs.
My jacket and tanktop.
She tugged my snake bites with her teeth as her fingers tugged my hair.
My hands teased her bra clasp, and ran the length of her spine.
I pulled away again, right before I could fall into this play. If I fall i know I can never get out.
"Do you know how pissed I am that you compared me to that worthless ex of yours?" I said, "I've been here for you the whole time, I give you anything you want, and you had the audacity to compare us"
She stared at me with feverish eyes, and a face of mixed emotions.
"I love you," I look her in the eyes,"do you know how hard it is for me to say and mean it?"
"You probably say it to every woman you put in your bed." she snaps angerly sliding off the counter.
Can't you see that he ain't me? (he ain't me)
This is now how it's supposed to be
No way i can win, guilty until proven innocent
Now I'm paying for his sins
I blinked. Is it just me or do I sense jealousy in her voice?
"Is someone jealous? " I smirked
She blushed a deep red, "no! , Im not jealous over anyone you slept with, or said you love, Im just stating facts!"
My smirk grew wider, "really?"
She nods.
"Im a bit jealous too, ya know?"
She gave me a confused glare.
"I wish you were a committed to me as you are your stubbornness"
She rolled her eyes, "in your dreams player"
I looked at her with the most serious face I could manage, "you really don't care about me, do you?"
She crossed her arms avoiding eye contact. For a minute I wonder if she is really oblivious to my feelings or if she just doesn't care.
Can't you see that he ain't me? (he ain't me)
This is now how it's supposed to be
No way i can win, guilty until proven innocent
Now I'm paying for his sins
"Listen (y/n), " I sad raising her chin so she could look at me, "I know I don't have the prettiest smile, or the biggest muscles, or the warmest heart....whatever, I've got nothing..."
My voice gradually lowered to a soft whisper as I once again realized how broken I am.
"Am whatever is left of this broken person, and it all belongs to you" I gently caressed (y/n) cheek as she stared a me with confused and awed (e/c) eyes, "I know you won't believe me, but I really do love you."
I could feel hot tears in my eyes as my vision blurred. I blinked a few times looking the other way. I hate crying, it makes me look weak....I am weak, Im just a weak broken boy with no one to turn to. Im just a lost child tossing coins in the air hoping the fall in place. I've got my fingers crossed hoping it turns out okay...
"But can you give me a chance?" I asked with a slight tremble in my voice, "I know I'm not the best person, but I'm not like him. I can treat you right. I won't cheat or lie to you, I promise"
I wanted to look at her, but I was afraid if I did I would cry more, "I cant do this, being guilty of everything he did when I haven't done anything wrong" I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand, "I just want you to give me a chance"
"What about,the other girls?" she asked with a huff, "won't they be your girlfriend?"
"There isn't any other girls" I say finally turning to meet her (e/c) eyed gaze, "Im a lot of bad stuff, but disloyal isn't one of them"
She looked away with a rosy pink dusting her cheeks, "you promise you won't hurt me? You're not him?"
"I swear, " I took her hands in mine, "I swear to my country"
She looked so conflicted. Like she wants something, but knows she shouldn't have it.
"Give me a reason to believe you"
"I can't, " I say to her in a soft voice, "that's why you have to trust me"
"Trust is a risky thing" she warned
"There isn't a risk not worth taking?"
"Depends"
"You really don't love me, do you?"
"Your stupid" she sighed, "so stupid"
I nodded in agreement.
"You really think I don't care? Why do you think Im hesitating so much? Im scared, okay? Im terrified "
"Of what?"
"I-I-" she hesitated, with a sad look, "Im afraid if admit I love you then you'll leave"
I hadn't really paid much attention to how vulnerable (y/n) looked. Standing shirtless with her arms crossed, while looking at the tile floor with as much emotion as she dared. I hadn't realized that she was just as broken as I am.
And for the first time I wonder if two wrongs can make a right.
"Who said I'd leave?" I said gently, "maybe if you were to say yes you would never get rid of me"
After a few minutes in silence she sighed again, "one chance? Okay, you got it. Im trusting you, Allen"
I smiled. Not grinned. Not smirked. Not fake anything. I actually smiled.
I picked (y/n) by her hips kissing her deeply. She gave a surprised groan, holding a death grip on my shoulders.
When we separated she pushed out of my hold beginning to rant, her face redder than a tomatoes, "stupid! Why'd you do that?! Jeez, I just gave you a chance and you're already pissing me off!"
I laughed at her. I realized how long but has been since I actually laughed and meant it.
The tempered (h/c) girl just blushed and yelled at me, as I laughed at her child-like behavior.
"Stupid American,"she grumbled "I hate you...."
"Yea, yea, I know" I kissed her forehead tenderly, "I love you too, doll"
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// Not really a morale to this one...or at least not mine I tried to express. My friend read the other chapter "Fuck Away the Pain" and said I should do a sequel. I mean I had nothing better to do so why not?
Probably not good at all, but I tried.
Have a wonderful day/night/evening/morning.
Sincerely,
Me!