Jen's POV
Waking up next to Harry was something I never thought would happen again, at least not this trip anyway. Somewhere between screaming at one another outside the arena and screaming eachother's names in a completely different way last night, we had made up and gave into the temptation of being with one another.
I remembered it all, weird considering I was partially drunk, but whenever I was with Harry I managed to lock every last memory into the vault. As fun as last night was, and as amazing as it felt to be back in his arms, nothing had changed my mind about being with him. I couldn't go through it again. The heartache and missing him was a feeling I had only just recovered from. Maybe this was the closure I needed?
I was scared for him to wake up though, because I knew we'd have to have the conversation I was dreading. He wasn't someone that slept around with just anyone, it always meant something to him. With the exception of Abi of course, but even then there was a greater reasoning behind it than just a release. When he told me to tell him I loved him during our close moment last night, I knew then what we were doing meant more to him than just a one off thing for old time's sake.
I knew it was cruel to tell him I loved him, not that it was a lie, but I knew he read more into it than intended. I didn't regret anything we did last night, if it were anyone else I would have made a dash for it as soon as I opened my eyes, but it was Harry. Waking up next to him was something I had missed, and I wanted to savour ever second of it.
As I was staring up at the ceiling thinking about how I was going to approach this conversation, I felt him stir beside me and fling and arm around me, pulling me into him like he normally did.
"Good morning beautiful," he spoke. His voice was low and husky, just like I remembered it in the mornings.
"Morning," I turned my head to face him, and he propped up on his elbow, and lowered his head to kiss me.
"What were you thinking about?" his body shadowed over mine, and he tucked my hair behind my ear giving him a clear view of my face.
"Hmm?" It always amazed me that he knew my every action. He always managed to read me better than anyone else ever had.
"You were staring up at the ceiling, you were thinking about something. Do you...you know...regret last night?" his eyes never left mine, my guess was he was trying to study my expression so he knew if I was lying in my response.
"No, I told you I wouldn't regret it!" I reminded him of my words last night.
"So you do remember what happened?"
"Of course I do, I told you I would, I was well aware of what was happening. Like I told you last night, I wouldn't have agreed to come here if I wasn't 100% sure about it." I wanted Harry in that way, I always did since the day I met him, I guess this time apart allowed him to forget that. It wasn't the sex itself I couldn't go back to, it was everything that came along with it.
"Did you mean it when you said you loved me too?" his face was expressionless, he was sussing out my feelings before he showed me any of his own, and I felt sick at the thought of hurting him.
"I do love you Harry," I sighed and knew it was time to face the inevitable, and be honest with him, "I just don't want to give you false hope though."
His brows furrowed, showing me the first sign of any type of emotion this morning, "What do you mean by false hope?"
I lifted myself up, causing him to move away from me and sit up with me. I pulled the sheet over my naked body, tucking it under my arms, and moving to face him. He was looking at me with an emotion of anger mixed with impatience waiting for me to explain myself.
"Harry listen," I began.
"If you tell me this was a one off thing that meant nothing to you, I swear I'm going to lose it Jen!" he cut me off, and now I felt even more nervous to tell him how I felt.
"Of course it meant something to me! Being with you always meant something to me, it still does!" I assured him.
"Then what is it?" his face relaxed slightly, but crease lines on his forehead still lingered as he looked at me.
"Last night doesn't change anything. I don't regret what we did, but we still can't be together for the same reason's we broke up."
"Then what the hell was last night about? You say it meant something to you yet you don't want to be with me?" His voice came out agitated, and I honestly didn't blame him.
"I'm sorry," I didn't know what to say to him to make him understand, maybe I was just a coward and not being with him was the easy way out of dealing with my feelings for him. I just couldn't see anything changing, we were both busy with our own lives, we lived on opposite ends of the earth, I couldn't see this working if we tried again.
"You're sorry? That's all you have to say? You lead me to believe last night meant more to you than a trip down memory lane! Why did you say you loved me if you knew damn well you didn't want to be with me?" He threw the sheets off himself and walked over to his draws to pull out some clothing.
"I do love you Harry! I meant it, I always will, and I know it was stupid of me to lead you to think we would just slip back into how things were, but I can't do it. I want to be part of your life though, if you'll allow me to be."
"You're not honestly suggesting we be friends are you? My Jen was an intelligent woman, she would never suggest something so insanely stupid, so I know that's not what you're hinting at here!" It angered me slightly the way he was reacting to this, but I understood. Still, I wasn't going to allow him to talk to me like I was stupid for feeling how I felt.
"Your Jen isn't the same girl you met a year ago! I'm stronger now, and won't allow you to talk down to me like that just because you don't like what I have to say!" I bit back at him.
"Stronger? If she's so strong then why is she running away from something I know she wants just as bad as I do?" He raised his voice, dressing himself in a huff.
"I'm not running, I'm strong enough to walk away from something that was bringing me down! If I wasn't strong I would have stayed with you and acted like being away from you didn't bother me. You're still busy with your career, and I'm busy with mine! We can't work Harry, not now, why can't you see that?"
A screaming match was not how I pictured this morning going. I hoped no one else was in the house, I'm sure the neighbours across the road could hear us, and that was one issue I didn't want to deal with on top of the current one at hand.
"I understood Jen, for your sake I understood it, but how can you sit there and tell me you don't want to be with me when you know damn well you do? You wouldn't be in my bed, our bed, if you didn't! So what now, i'll see you again in another four months and we'll just f*ck each other and carry on with life like it never happened?"
"I don't know..." I honestly didn't know where we stood now, or what our future held. I didn't want him out of my life, I wanted to keep in contact with him and see him whenever we were in the same town, we just couldn't be together.
"Wrong answer!" I could see he was hurting, and I hated myself for it. I wish I could tell him I wanted to be with him and we could go back to hour long phone calls and occasional video chats, but I knew that's not what either of us wanted. I wished things could have been like they were in the beginning, but both of us knew tour wouldn't last forever, we just chose to ignore that fact.
"What do you want me to say Harry? Yes of course I still want to see you and know what you're up to, and if that leads to what happened last night you know I can't say no to you, I never could and never wanted to!"
"A friends with benefits, every man's f*cking dream! I don't want to just f*ck you to get myself off, I want to make love to you!" He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged at it in frusteration, turning his back to me to look out the window.
I worked up the courage to finally walk over to him, and make him see reason. I wrapped the sheet around myself and walked over to him, standing behind him. I was afraid to touch him, I didn't want him to reject me right now.
"You know you mean more to me than that Harry, when we're together like that it means more to me than just the pleasure of it, it's when I feel most connected to you," I said in a low voice, trying to keep my emotions intact.
He turned around and looked down at me, his eyes watery and cold. He hated me for this, I could see it.
"Then be with me!" His voice was low and desperate, and if I had no self control I would have wrapped myself in his arms then and there and agreed to go back to our old life.
"I can't!" I pleaded with him, hoping he would understand.
He sighed and dropped his head, screwing his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Then we're done! I can't be with you like we were last night, and not be with you in every other way. What you did was cruel Jen, the cruelest thing you have done to me. I thought you were better than this, you promised me we would make this work, you broke that promise! I trusted you, and what an idiot I was for believing you. You're anchor my arse, you seem to be just fine without me. I can't be here anymore with you, don't be here when I get back!" And with that he walked away from me, leaving me for good this time.
"Harry!" I called after him as he reached for the door.
"Don't contact me anymore!" He looked over his shoulder before opening the door and slamming it shut making me jump.
This wasn't what I wanted, I didn't want him out of my life. He was right though, I was cruel to lead him to think I wanted to get back together when I didn't. I couldn't help but cry over the mess I just created for myself. He hated me now, and I only had myself to blame for it.
I looked through his drawers for something to wear so I could head back to Gemma and Angus's apartment. I pulled out a pair of my leggings I left here the last time I was in England, and a sweatshirt Harry used to wear with "Obsession" written across it.
Obsession, the word best used to describe my constant move of hurting Harry. I must have been obsessed with seeing him upset, because I seem to have perfected the action of ripping his heart up.
I considered writing him a note apologizing, but his final words to kept me from doing so. I should respect his wishes and leave him alone. I didn't deserve his forgiveness after this, I'd now have to live with the fact I just drove away the only man I ever loved.
I left his room for the final time with my dress and heels from last night in hand, and made my way down the stairs towards the door, wiping the tears from my face.
"Jen!" A voice stopped me in my bid to flee the house. I tried to ignore them, I attempted to open the door but the owner of the voice shut it closed right away.
"Please just let me go, he doesn't want me here!" I didn't look up at him, I knew who it was and speaking to him right now would only make me more emotional.
"You know he does!" he tried to make me believe.
"Niall, he told me he was done with me, please just let me go!" I tried to open the door again and he held me back in his arms. I tried to fight him, to get myself out of his grip but I couldn't escape him.
"Let me go!" I screamed, slowly becoming tired from trying to break free.
"Jen just calm down for a second!" he pleaded with me.
"He hates me!" I sobbed, finally easing in his grip becoming weak and out of breath. He spun me around and I dropped my dress and shoes to the floor, wrapping my arms around him as he held me into him.
"What's happened?" he patted down on the back of my head, allowing me to calm down.
"We're done, I messed up. I screwed everything up Niall, now he wants nothing to do with me!" I took a breath and pulled back to wipe my tears again.
"Come sit and tell me what happened, I saw him run down the stairs in a distraught state and before I could ask him anything he was gone! I didn't even know you were here!" He lead me to the lounge and we took a seat.
"We slept together last night, I know it was stupid but I missed him and I just lost control and told him I wanted it. I guess he thought that meant we were getting back together, and I told him this morning I couldn't do it. I can't do it Niall, I do love him, but I can't sit at home and wait for him to come to me, and it's selfish of me to expect that of him."
"I know the distance thing isn't easy, but isn't it worth it? If you love someone shouldn't you try to make it work no matter what? I can't talk because I've never managed to make a long distance relationship work, but you and Harry are different. I know how much you two love eachother, I don't think it's worth giving up on." He didn't understand, no one did but me. Harry was worth it, he was worth it for the two months I tried, but I couldn't do it anymore, and I won't do it again only for the same thing to happen again and I have to deal with the heartache all over again.
"You don't get it, no one does. It doesn't matter anyway, he want's nothing to do with me now. You'll just defend him no matter what I say, so I better just go," I started to stand but he stopped me.
"Stop pushing me away, you can't run from your problems forever. Help me understand Jen, tell me why you can't be with him!"
"Because I can't!" I scolded him, losing control of my emotions again. "I don't need to explain myself to you or to anyone else, I just can't do it. I can't be here!" I stood again and walked towards the door.
"You know you'll go back to him!" He called out, I didn't look back, I opened the door and left.
He was right, I knew I would one day grow up and realise Harry was worth it, but when that day came I knew Harry wouldn't be waiting for me with open arms.
And I would deserve it.