SAMUEL'S POV
(Present Day)
"You understand why your mother and I have to do this right son?" my father smiles down at me while I stand facing the wall
"Yes father" I whisper
I feel his hand run over my freshly marked back. I hiss and try to move away from him but I'm trapped between the wall and his tall figure.
"Do not move!" he yells and slaps his hand against my back making me cry out
"Please father" I whimper pathetically
"These are your pennants, for your sins son, you know this"
Of course I know this, I've known this every week since I turned six. Granted in the beginning he wasn't this bad.
The day after my sixth birthday he had taken me into the room he shared with my mother and told me to stand in the corner.
I was confused but of course I stood there. My father was this huge figure both in character and physique. His hands were, and still are bigger than my face.
He held a lot of esteem in our community thirty minutes from Philly city. A very faithful Christian he made it that our family attended church three times every week. The pastor and fellow members of the congregation looked up to my father.
He was never happier then when he was preaching God's word.
He was never unhappier then when I didn't preach the same thoughts.
Apparently I was a rebellious child. That was why I need to repent.
Standing in the corner turned to kneeling for hours in prayer and that eventually turned to his belt on my back. Corporal punishment was his favourite way to teach me gods words.
I think god knew I was gay before I did, then he whispered it to my dad and made him hate me. I didn't even know what it meant the first time he said it. God must have told him that I held hands with Jonny next door that night he got scared of the dark and we didn't have a night light.
When I was younger he was kinder about my condition. He told me that there was a solution and that if I prayed hard enough everything would be fine.
I prayed as well! Like I really, really prayed. Dear god, please make it so that I don't watch every boy change in the gym locker room. Dear god, please make it so that I'm more team Bella than team Edward.
Dear god, make it so that I don't have to see how my father looks at me.
It got to its worse point sometime last year when he actually starting hitting me. First with his hands and then his belt. I vaguely remember a time where my back wasn't red with angry welts.
Now at 17 years old he only speaks to me once a day. Which brings us right back here?
"We're done for the day. Tell me have you been having any of those sinful thoughts again?"
"No" I lied. I learnt that telling the truth wasn't helping, it never did. He wasn't understanding and caring like they thought he was. He was mean.
My mom stood her back to me folding laundry. She hummed the same gospel tune she always did when he hit me.
I don't know why she even stays. I watched a movie once in English class and in a scene a little boy gets pushed to the ground by his father. All of sudden his mother rushes to the child's side. She curses the father and slaps him away before smothering her child in a hug.
She was mad her child was hurt. Why was my mom never mad?
I don't like to see my body anymore. I'm too short and skinny. I look closer to 14 than 17. I don't see my back ever completely healing. I asked my dad about this once and he said that having a permanent reminder was important. Said that's why he had done it.
I was scared of him. Scared of how much more he could do.
I was scared of what she couldn't do.
It was this fear that made me stay locked in my room for hours. I like the quiet. When I can't stay there I go to the library and take my laptop.
I like to watch movies more than I think anything else. I like watching what other people do with their lives. I like the romance ones or the sad ones.
It's probably weird how much I enjoy weeping for every failed relationship that cinema can show me.
My dad censors all moves brought into the house but luckily the library has a DVD section. They're old but they are everything to me.
Most days after school if allowed, and if not talking to father, I go to the library, flop down on a beanbag and watch for hours.
Everyone has the internet now so there isn't ever anyone there. I can be alone for a while.
If it's not obvious I'm not really a people person. For as long as I can remember I hated people touching me. I don't recall a time where touching wasn't followed by pain so I tried to avoid it all cost.
"Good son, go wash up and be down for dinner in an hour"
I nodded and waited until my bedroom door shut to sink to my knees. I know by now it shouldn't hurt like it does but every time he leaves I can't breathe. My chest tightens and I feel like I'm dying. I looked it up online and it said I was having panic attacks.
Once I stop gasping I slug myself to the bathroom. The shower burns in an uncomfortable way but I don't leave. The mirror dogs over when the heat is up and I do t have to see myself. I don't have to see how red my eyes will be and the dark bruises that lie underneath.
I dry myself quickly, avoiding my back as much as is possibly, dad will probably give me a nice pack tonight. He doesn't always break the skin but I can feel he left a big mark today. He was particularly mad about something since after lunch so I should have seen it coming.
"Samuel dinner!" my mother yells and I don't hesitate to run down the stairs almost tripping on the last few steps.
"I told you to be ready" my father scowls when I sit down
"Sorry father" I push my eyes to the table and wait for him to say grace. I don't look up until he's left. I think it makes him calmer. Not to see me staring
"You'll bring your phone and laptop down in ten minutes" he grunts and walks to the living room
Every night at eight I surrender my phone and laptop to him until after school the next day. He doesn't want me up all night or being tempered to use them for ugly reasons.
That night I don't manager to get to sleep until after 2. This left me more zombie like in school than I usually was.
As you can probably imagine I'm not someone who has a whole bunch of friends. But it's ok. People probably want friend a who they can talk to and hug without having to worry about them crying. I get it. I don't blame them for it.
Sometimes I don't even blame my dad, it's not his fault I'm gay after all, that's my fault. He's only trying to make me normal. To save me.
School passes slowly until finally the last bells rings. Sometimes I like to walk slower than the other kids leaving school and just watch them. I like to see them gathering in groups, smiling and pushing each other around playing. I've never had friends like that but sometimes I wish I did.
I almost made friends with my next door neighbour, the one I he'd hands with when we were little, but my dad forbid it. Probably for the best anyway, I seem to be a bit of a burden on my parents.
It doesn't take me long to get home, probably because I'm eager to get to the library. Dad shouldn't need to talk with me today after yesterday.
At least that's what I thought until I walked into the kitchen to get some snacks.
Both mom and dad were sitting at the table looking at me.
"Hi mom, dad, how was your day?" I ask going to the Fridge to get some juice.
"Not good son" dad gets up from his chair and I put the juice back in the fridge before even pouring myself a glass. He had that look in his eyes.
"What happened?" I asked looking towards my mom. I noticed my laptop out on the table
"Why do you guys have my laptop?"
"Son we've decided that it's no longer right you stay here" dad said looking right in my eyes
I sputtered "sir?"
He sighed heavily "Samuel I have tried for many years to help you, to make you right again, but you're not fixable"
I opened my mouth to speak but he raised his hand shushing me.
"Your thoughts are sinful as well as your acts. You're not a man of god Samuel and I can't have you spoiling my home"
"But I am getting better" I pleaded my eyes starting to burn. It was only then I saw the duffel bags on the floor.
"No you're not" he walked over to my laptop and turned it to face me. On the screen was a scene from my favourite movie playing. I never thought it could make me feel as sick as it is now.
My favourite movie of all time, Brokeback Mountain, I know right. I saw it first at the library when I was 15. I couldn't believe it, how in love they were and how they wanted to be together but everything was keeping them apart. The scenes were intense and heart wrenching.
I knew as soon as they kissed first that I shouldn't have continued watching. In the eyes of my father I watching gay themed movies was as bad as an alcoholic having one drink.
Two nights ago I went to the library and when I couldn't find anything to watch I went back to my old favourite. It was probably my fifteenth time seeing it.
"Why do you have that playing?" my voice shook as I spoke
"You had this filth on here, son"
"No" I whispered
"Yes, I checked your computer and it was in the DVD slot, I don't even know where you would have gotten this from" he yelled
"Please father" tears finally spilt over and ran down my cheeks. I'm in too deep this time. I can feel my legs being taken out from under me. There's no way to fix this
"No, I don't care to here you anymore Samuel, you brought this abomination, and lies into my home and I won't have it anymore, you'll leave now"
I didn't move, I just stood there shaking as both if then watched me.
"Samuel I want you to walk out that door"
"But I don't have anywhere to go" I cried weakly, I felt my hands wringing together like they did when I was scared
"You haven't given us any choice"
I walked to the bags picking them up slowly. My dad had gone ahead and was holding open the door for me
"I don't know what's happening" I sniffled passing him
"This is your doing, you must bare the consequences"
He began closing the door but I held my hand out to stop it.
"Why can't I just be punished like before please dad"
"It's too late for that you're too sick"
He slams the door in my face and leaves me crying and heaving on the porch.
I knocked once but no one was answering. What am I supposed to do now?
Where do I go? I don't have anything? Oh god
I can't move, can't think. The pressure that bore down on my chest was enough to make me shake. What about school? If I didn't finish I would have nothing. It doesn't make sense. I don't get how all this is happening. How could I have been so stupid? Why couldn't I have just been normal?
My thoughts raged as I walked, further and further until I reached a bus stop down the street. I guess I would need to get to the city? It was somewhere to start
I found the last ten dollars I had in my wallet, the bus took four dollars, leaving me to start my life with 6.
It was dark when I got to the city. People were moving through the streets, some with partners, some rushing home from work, some just strolling. I dropped my duffel bag on the ground and collapsed into a bench outside the bus station. Everything that had happened today, swirling in my head. I've cried for hours but I don't seem to be able to stop it.
What if I never get rid of this feel? I don't think I could stand it.
I didn't know anyone around. I didn't have anyone that would help me. I know I should be looking for somewhere to spend the night but I can't do that right now. Right this minute all I can do is cry into my hands. And I do.
I don't know how long I say there before I heard voices again. When I looked up there were a girl and a boy staring at me. The boy was strikingly attractive. Tall and muscular with longish hair that looked like it could fall into his eyes if it was gelled back. The girl next to him was so short. She had wavy brown hair that framed her and bug brown eyes. Right now they were filled with concern.
She made a move to touch me but I pushed back against the bench trying to get away from her. She yelled surprised and the boy moved in front of her protectively
"Hey kid you alright?"
I didn't say anything but he continued to stare.
"Alright well you obviously are not ok because you're snot crying"
I blushed, viciously rubbing my face with the back of my hand. When I looked back up the short girl was hitting the guy in his side.
"Sorry uh so the duffel bags, you going on a trip?"
I shook my head slowly not looking him in the eyes. I always had trouble with that. My dad said it was because of the lies I told.
"Right so maybe you didn't choose to be out here?"
I shook my head again and he sighed, wracking his hand through his hair
"You're a quiet one" he smirked and the girl slapped him again
"Riles shut up can't you see he's traumatized"
"I'm trying to lighten the mood princess" he smirked at her but his smile fell when his eyes landed on me
The girl came and bent down to make us eyes level, she tried taking my hands but I whipped them away.
"No touching okay that's cool I can work with that" she smiled
"Do you want to tell us why you're crying out here?"
I shook my head my eyes burning again
"You were kicked out" the guy Riley reasoned standing closely behind the girl
I nodded miserably and tears leaked down my cheeks again. I'm so sick of crying. My body hurts from shaking, make back stings and I just want to sleep.
"Do you have anywhere to go?" she asks gently
I shook my head again she made a sad face at me
"Well then sweetie would you like to come home with us?"
I was shocked! I looked at her, waiting for the punch line
"I'm not making a joke sweetie. I'm offering you a place to stay and it doesn't look like you have lots of options"
I shrugged and nodded slowly watching her smile and stand up Straight. She gestured to all my bags and looked at Riley
"Riles get the man's bags"
He grumbled and picked them up and I followed behind them slowly. When we got to the car I opened the back door but Riley was quick to shut it before I could get in.
"One question, why were you kicked out?" he looked me dead in my eyes making me shift uncomfortably
"Shrugging isn't good enough kid. I have to know you won't hurt us or anything"
I shook slightly but decided it was best to answer him. I didn't haw anywhere else to go.
"Gay" I said my voice cracking.
He didn't blink but just continued to stare.I waited for him to ask me to explain but he didn't. His face was mad all of a sudden and I thought he might tell me to get lost. It made me tremble all over again
But he just opened the door and made a gesture for me to get in.