14: It Should Be Me
"Can you turn your head, so we can get some side profile?" Kesler asked jerking his thumb to the side. Flicking my hair behind my shoulder I turned to the side, I ended up taking the Vogue cover after they offered it to me again, "I think we got it."
Smiling I asked, "Is that all for today?"
When he nodded I walked off the set and Trisha, my assistant of one month, flanked my side, she was Robyn's baby sister and she was fresh out of college and since I liked the work Robyn did I might as well as make it a family affair, "So, your mother wants to have dinner with you on Sunday and Robyn wants to meet with you tomorrow to talk about something she didn't clear to me."
Opening the door to my dressing room I stripped of my bomber jacket, the shoot we did today wasn't for the cover that was next week since something came up with the outfit and they knew I expected nothing less of perfect, so they said better late than hideous and I could work with that, "I can do dinner with my mother and I can meet Robyn tomorrow schedule it for lunch."
Nodding she left the room, I liked her...a lot. She didn't ask many questions and just did what I tell her to do. Cutting on the TV I felt my heart flip as I saw him on the flat screen with Isabella, I guess it was a preview of the premiere that happened last week. The documentary had made television history for having the most in tuned watchers, everyone wanted to see the fighter who was going to hopefully to knock Franklin Webster's head off.
I noticed that his hair had grown out and was gelled back into a slick swoop, that showed his flawless edge up. It looked good on him, he looked good, feeling something drop onto my hand I looked down to see a tear droplet on my hand, looking up at the ceiling to look for a leak I saw that it was dry, and I brought up a cautious hand to my face and found the culprit.
This was why I hadn't watched the documentary because only seeing him on a television for two seconds caused me to cry, now imagine me sitting through two hours of seeing him. I shouldn't be acting like this, I shouldn't have changed since I last seen him...but I did, and I hated myself for it.
I didn't think no one was going to have this much effect on me after Clarence but I was seriously mistaken, while with Clarence I had acted out and ended up on the front of every gossip magazine for a year I wasn't like that with him, I folded into myself and threw myself into my work. I know I've changed because I haven't been late on a single blog or clothing interview, quite the opposite actually.
Turning from the TV I stripped out of my clothes completely and changed into the outfit I had Trish bring for me since I was supposed to be meeting with Liu and Sofia because it has been a while. Grabbing my bag I turned off the TV since I couldn't bear watching him anymore, shutting the door behind me I came out to see her getting off the phone, "So everything is set in your schedule and I had Barbara set your alarm tomorrow for your meeting with Robyn, did you need anything else."
Shaking my head I hugged her and said, "No, just go home and get some rest."
Do you see the difference?
Walking out to my car I slipped inside and buckled myself in, feeling the car pull off I opened Twitter and saw that the only thing that was going down my feed was:
#THEBALA
Closing my eyes I let out an even breath and shook it off, it was like this man was haunting me the way he kept popping up. You would think that after a month that I would have been completely over this man since we weren't a complete relationship, but I wasn't.
Hell it wasn't this bad with Clarence, after a month of us being over I never shed another tear, but it wasn't the same with him.
Just how strong was my feelings for this man actually were?
They had to be strong enough for me to hope that every time I get a knock on the door that I hope he is behind it, or that I will get a call from him telling me he left her, and we could be together.
I sounded completely mad the way I was thinking, this man was never going to leave his fiancé he never was, letting out another breath I looked down at some of the tweets to see that majority of them were about Webster and him. I told myself I was going to watch the fight just to see Webster get put on his cocky white ass but the way I was acting now was proving me otherwise.
I only met Franklin Webster one other time and that was at the Met Gala and his punchline was made of and I quote, 'Hey, I'm the heavyweight champion of the world and you are', yeah, I set a rule for myself whenever I got into a relationship and it was simple, make sure that I'm the only cocky one in it.
Feeling the car come to a stop I got out and put a hand in my face to block the flashes, "Majesty have you watch Bala's documentary!"
"No, I haven't had time to get around to it, but I do plan on watching it." I smiled pushing past them.
Walking into the restaurant the hostess met me at the front with a sweet smile, "Ms. Jewels your guests are waiting back for you in the private room and we have made sure to tend to your privacy wishes."
Leading me to the back I ignored the stares and whispers, opening the door I saw Sofia and Liu, getting up from their spots they walked over to me and embraced me, and Sofia whispered, "I love your hair."
"I knew you would." I giggled softly.
Sitting down I ordered watered, I had stopped drinking altogether. I couldn't do it anymore and for the first time since me turning twenty-six I felt my age and I guess I had a foresight that my drinking ways weren't going to compliment me when I get older, "So rumor has it that you're not going to renew your contract with 'Time'." Sofia asked eyes widening making her blue eyes bigger than they really were.
Nodding my head I said, "Well the rumor is valid because I'm not renewing it for creative reasons."
"Even if they offer you a eight million deal?" Liu asked looking at me with a raised eyebrow.
Sipping my water I shook my head, "Although I appreciate the effort I still decline it and my creativity is priceless." Liu gave me two thumbs up and I clapped my hands lightly, "So tell me you guys, how was the Victoria Secret shoot?"
Moving on.
Moving on has proved to be the hardest thing to do and to many very useless, because when that carpet gets snatched from underneath you and leaves it's hard to try and find another carpet like it.
See I have come to the conclusion that it's so hard to try and find another carpet because you were so used to that carpet you loved that carpet with everything you had, and you never expected it to leave you.
So what do you do after the carpet gets up and leaves, you go out and try to find the exact replica of the carpet, you search online and when that proves to be a failure you go to every store in New York trying to find it not caring about the price tag and when you come up empty handed you finally figure out that there is no exact replica of the carpet that you love so much.
Now that you see that you can't find the exact replica of the carpet you go into the stages of going through a drastic change, until one day you wake up and you look at that bare floor and coming up with the conclusion that, that floor is not as bad, so, you take care of that floor, you make sure to wax and polish the floor as much as you can, and you begin to love the floor the way you did before the carpet was even there.
After you finally realize how much you love the floor you think it's time to go out and find another carpet, not the same as the last carpet you had but a different one the one that you think will fit the floor better than the old carpet did. But after months and months of trying to find the carpet that will suite your floor the best fails you accept it, because you love the floor and maybe the floor doesn't need a carpet on it to be beautiful.
Turning away from the laptop when I heard my voice coming from the TV, I was only a quarter way into the documentary and I had been strong even when I saw the scene of Isabella making his protein shake and sending him on his way to go training, as they were interviewing me I could tell that the words I said were sweet but the look in my eyes was the complete opposite.
I wasn't happy for them because I wanted him, I wanted him all to myself. He was all mines and I didn't want him to marry her.
If I didn't meet Victoria it would be you in her spot.
It shouldn't have been you would be it should have been you should be, because it should've been me in her spot. I wanted to be there making his protein shake and being his main support system, and every time he would come home from a workout it should be me being the dutiful fiancé rubbing his back and telling him about my day. It should have been me waking up in his arms and me that he made love to.
It should have been me.
So many nights I stayed up wondering what I did wrong, what could have I done right to make him stay. I couldn't change the person I am, but he accepted me for that and he didn't mind being my Mr. Big...so what changed?
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