"You don't know me. You only know what I allow you to know."
MAYA
When I quietly jumped into Cayden's room through the window, my feet landing on his floor, I was instantly circled by warmth. A lingering sensation of ghostly silence and loneliness, my greatest fear, filled my lungs.
I didn't get the opportunity to take a look at Cayden's room because my heart sank when I found him sitting on the floor by his double sized bed. Long legs outstretched before him, he lurched forward, head dropped in his lap as his fingers were tangled in his messy hair. He was pulling immensely and furiously hard on his raven locks as if attempting to pull them out. His whole body was shaking tremendously and I could hear his heavy breathing, reflecting the uncontrollable anxiety he was consumed by.
Shaky breaths escaping my mouth, I balled my trembling hands into fists and tears dwelled up in my eyes when a sudden flashback rolled into my memory and I saw myself instead of Cayden on the floor one time after John left when he was done with me for the night.
I felt like I was dying at that moment. That's how bad it was. When it was over, I had nobody to go to. Nobody to lean on. I knew perfectly well how that loneliness felt and how it made every inch of you feel so miserably hollow. Like you had been drained of everything you had in you, leaving no trace of aliveness.
I was scared right now. Really scared. No doubt. Maybe because the hell I had been through was now displayed right in front of my eyes, leaving a haunting feeling of fear within me. But when I blinked several times so the flashback faded, and a trembling Cayden returned, my priorities were set straight.
Cayden, my best friend, was suffering, and I needed to be there for him. No matter how dark the memory was, the guy I cared about was in a terrible state and there was no way I was going to leave him alone. No way.
Thus, after inhaling a deep breath and briefly smacking my palms against my cheeks to push the dark memory further away, I quietly walked over to him and crouched down in front of him. After very carefully placing my hand on his shoulder, I softly whispered, "Cayden."
Almost like he was numb to my touch and to my voice, Cayden didn't react to any of them. Instead, his body continued to shake of immense fear and panic.
I tried again, but it didn't work. Instead, the trembling increased and so did the heart-wrenching whimpering.
Even though I could sense the feeling of helplessness kick in, I wasn't going to give up so easily.
I tried again. This time, I gently gripped both of his shoulders and felt my stomach twist when his muscles continued to tremble underneath my palms.
A few moments later, Cayden's head rapidly jerked up and his tearful gray eyes met mine, the immense sorrow and indescribable fear of doom making its way into my heart, causing it to feel so heavy and then drop.
I could tell he was having a really hard time breathing, almost like it was completely out of his control.
However, there was more. I remembered during my panic attack that night, I couldn't hear or see anything. It was all a blur like I was looking at the world through fish-eyed lenses. Cayden couldn't see or hear me.
My voice was just a beep to his ears and the sight of me was just a blur that he was trying to figure out. However, when I rubbed my thumbs gently over his shoulder blades for a few moments, Cayden was pulled back to reality. My touch gave him an ounce of sanity he was desperately longing for.
"Ma-Maya?" He croaked, sounding like he was being choked to death.
"Yeah. It's me. Maya. You're going to be okay," I assured, my voice calm, soft and gentle.
I was stupid if I thought one sentence laced with reassurance could calm Cayden down. It was never that simple with panic attacks. I needed him to be in control of his breathing.
I tried not to panic when tears rolled down his ghostly pale cheeks and his ability to breathe worsened.
What do I do? What can I do?
I hated waking up old dark memories, but I needed to do it for Cayden. Thus, I let my mind open the entrance to the night I felt like I was dying. A brief flashback came racing back that night I was left by myself when he was done with his ruthless actions.
Breathe in and out.
That's what I kept telling myself. It took some time, but it eventually worked.
"Hey, listen to me," I whispered, slowly and gently enough for him to calm down and be able to listen to me.
"We're going to play a game. Breathe in and out together. Got it?" I talked to him in broken sentences, hoping it would make it easier on him and his hearing.
Staring at me through glassy eyes, Cayden forced out a nod. His lips were trembling. He couldn't utter a single word, no matter how hard he tried. I sat down on my knees in the space between his legs and gently placed my hands on his tear-stained cheeks, stroking them.
"You ready to play and win this game?" I asked, smiling.
In reply, he forced out another quick nod.
"One, two, three, go," I whispered before inhaling a deep breath together with him and then exhaling and inhaling.
Cayden's eyes stayed locked on mine and he gently nudged his head closer so our foreheads were touching. My lips quirked upwards.
While breathing in and out together with him, I wiped Cayden's tears and moved my hands to his lap where I took his shaky hands in mine, rubbing my thumbs gently over the soft skin of the back of his hands.
We simply kept inhaling and exhaling until Cayden's breathing slowly went back to normal and his chest wasn't rapidly rising and falling anymore. Until he had control.
"Are you okay?" I whispered, suddenly feeling goosebumps spring up on my skin as Cayden's warm breath fanned my face.
"Ye-Yeah," he stuttered, very quietly. I almost collapsed in relief.
I didn't get the chance to say anything else when he gently tugged me towards him. He wrapped his arms around me, buried his face in my hair, and trembled in my arms. I closed my eyes and felt perfectly content with having my face pressed against his neck. His arms around me surrounded me with a warmth that spread through my whole body before placing itself over my bones that had frozen up after the downpour.
Minutes passed, and we stayed like this for a long, but peaceful while.
After fifteen minutes, I felt him breathe me in before mumbling, "Maya, you smell like a wet dog."
Cheeks flaming red, I cringed with my eyes squeezed shut. "Yeah, about that. You see, when I was running to my kitten in distress, the universe decided it was the perfect time to offer me a free shower. A straight downpour with no warnings, no shampoo, no soap, no towel. Just straight to the storm."
Suddenly, Cayden cracked a soft and meek laugh that caused a particular warmth to flourish within my chest and reach all the way to my toes.
"I was hoping you could provide your hero a towel, perhaps?"
Eyes blurry and dry, he pulled away and his small smile matched mine. His voice was laced with exhaustion but calmness. "What about a towel and a spare hoodie?"
I genuinely smiled. "That sounds perfect." However, my smile slowly faded when I noted that his face was clouded with tiredness.
"But wait. You should rest. Tell me where you've put the towel. I'll get one myself. Or we can wait. I just think you need to rest. Come-"
"-Maya," he cut me off, cupping my cheeks to make me look directly in the eye. I felt my face instantly heat up by his touch, and he smiled tiredly. "I'm fine. I promise I am."
After staring at him long enough till I felt a faint smile form upon my lips, I nodded. "Okay, but still, you look exhausted. I can get the towel myself. Just let me help you up first."
Cayden didn't argue and let me pull him up on his feet before I helped him sit down on his bed. Afterwards, I propped the pillow behind him so he could comfortably lean his back on it.
My hands fell to my hips and I briefly blew strands of my hair out of my face. "Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?"
Instead of replying, Cayden's gray eyes lingered on me for a moment that felt endlessly long before he suddenly chuckled. He looked amused while I, on the other hand, looked completely confused.
"What is it? Why are you laughing?"
"You're acting like my mom does every time I have a-" He abruptly stopped talking and my smile faded.
Every time
When he realized what kind of confession his words had led to, the amusement across his face drifted away and he swallowed hard, eyes clouding of sudden regret.
I quietly sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him with a small frown. "You have panic attacks often?"
Clearly uncomfortable, he dropped his darkened gaze to his lap and balled his hands into fists, knuckles turning chalky white. Taking the hint that he didn't want to talk about it or at least wasn't ready to talk about it, I let the question slip from my mind and pressed out a smile.
"Well, FYI, having a mom-best friend is a bonus in a friend. So You should consider yourself very lucky," I told him, dragging the e in "very" to make my point.
After a sloppy smile appeared on his face, he quietly mumbled, "I feel lucky."
Afterwards, he pointed at the closet placed across his bed. "You can find a towel and a hoodie in there."
I feel lucky. Acting like those specific words didn't light me up like a Christmas tree, I crossed the floor and walked towards his closet.
Considering all the houses in the average part of the town were built in the exact same way inside and out, Cayden's room was the same size as mine. His walls were white like mine, but his bed was single-sized, positioned sideways against the wall with black and white bedsheets. He had a study desk with books piled up on it while I caught sight of a basketball lying abandoned under it next to a few shoe boxes.
A bookshelf stood tall on the left side of the room, the shelves consisting of The Maze Runner and the Harry Potter series. I wonder on which level Cayden was a Potterhead. If he was a die-hard fan, he'd probably stop talking to me if he found I hadn't read a single book in the series. But I decided to save that for another day.
The calm, carefree and exhilarating ambiance of the room filled my lungs before I opened Cayden's closet and spotted a few towels and hoodies neatly folded in piles along with the rest of his clothes. I reached for a towel and a gray hoodie but froze when my fingers accidentally brushed over the surface of a small bottle. Since it was dark in the closet, I narrowed my eyes as my gaze swept over the writing on the bottle of pills.
Lexapro-
"-Maya?" I quickly drew my hand back to me and turned around to find Cayden gazing at me with questioning eyes. "Did you find a towel and a hoodie?"
Trying to shake my mind off of the bottle of pills, I nodded. "Um, yeah. Thanks." I held up the hoodie and towel with a thankful smile on my face.
After drying myself with the towel and putting on the hoodie in the bathroom Cayden told me the way to, I quietly returned back to his room.
Eyes closed, Cayden was still seated on his bed with his legs outstretched before him. His shoulders were dropped, head leaned back and face still slightly pale. He looked exhausted like he had been drained of everything he had in him after the panic attack.
I felt shivers crawl down my spine when I remembered back to that night when I felt the same way. Empty, numb and so tired.
I turned off the lights, letting the moonlight streaming in from the window illuminate Cayden's figure. Walking over to his bed, I sat down on the edge, facing him with a small frown. "Cayden, you look tired. I can leave if you want to sleep-"
"-No. Stay." He voice was quiet, but almost desperate. It was then I saw the loneliness clouding in his eyes. The need for someone's presence and warmth.
I nodded, meekly. "Okay."
Suddenly, he reached his hand out and his thumbs gently grazed my cheeks, causing my heart to skip a few beats. His concerned eyes met mine when he asked, "Have you been crying?"
Shit. My eyes were probably still red of crying after I woke up from that horrible nightmare I never wanted to have again. If I had never to sleep again to make that nightmare stay away from me, so be it. I would do anything. I just couldn't go back to that.
Pressing out a fake smile, I shook my head. "No, of course not. It's probably because I haven't gotten much sleep lately."
However, Cayden didn't buy it. "You're lying. Don't lie. Why were you crying?"
How was I supposed to answer that? How could I answer that?
When he noticed I was having a hard time finding the right words to give him a proper answer, he frowned. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No, I just...," I sighed, dropping my gaze down to my lap where I tightened my fists. "I wasn't able to sleep so I went to that spot outside of the school and laid down for a while. I didn't know when I fell asleep, and I ended up having a nightmare about him and the first night he-"
Cayden cut me off by placing his warm hand over my tightened fists. Eyes slipping close, I exhaled a trembling breath to calm myself down.
"Do you think about him a lot?"
"Yeah, I guess. I wish I didn't but I can't stop it. I can't control it. He's behind bars, but I can't get him out my head. I just can't," I confessed before dropping my head. "Sorry. You probably don't understand.
"No, I completely understand what you mean."
Bewildered, I looked up and blinked at him. "You do?"
All of a sudden, his face fell in sadness and he shared his dark secret. "I had a little brother. He was born three months earlier than he was supposed to. He died three days after mom gave birth to him."
Speechless, I stared at him as I felt my stomach clench and blood run cold in my veins.
"It was two years ago, but I think about him every day. It's weird. He's gone, but I got so attached to him within those few hours that his cries lurk in my mind every day."
It was so crazy that it scared me. He understood me so well that I couldn't explain it. Just stare at him like was reading my thoughts out loud.
I turned my hand so our palms touched in my lap. I smiled gently. "Thanks, Cayden. For telling me. I know that must've been hard to go through."
Silence fell between us for a moment. The heavy rain had slowed outside, but the raindrops were still drumming against the surface of the window I used as my entry into Cayden's room. The sky wasn't done crying for the night just yet.
"Do you have your laptop here?" I blurted out the question without thinking twice.
"Yeah, it's on my desk over there."
I grinned. "Wanna binge a few episodes of SpongeBob?"
His face broke into a gorgeous smile, and for a minute, I couldn't believe that he was the same helpless boy in pain who went through a feeling of dying a half an hour ago.
After bringing the laptop to Cayden, I crawled over to sit next to him on his bed. He let his laptop rest on his and my thigh that were touching, and turned on a random episode of SpongeBob.
The minute our favorite squared shaped sponge with brown pants showed up on the screen, I subconsciously started fiddling with my hands as excitement washed over me. Every time, I was about to burst out laughing throughout the episode, Cayden had to slam his palm over my mouth.
"So are you like a die-hard fan now?" Cayden asked, surprised by how addicted I had gotten to the cartoon.
"Yep. I watch two episodes every evening. This is like a level of normality to me now."
"Good. Now we can go to rehab together because my mom thinks I'm completely addicted."
Staring at him, I burst out laughing once more, but it was muffled by Cayden's palm that immediately flew over my mouth. Again. I felt the blush creep across my cheeks. His eyes looked oddly cleared and relaxed, and he grinned at me. A stupid, but adorable grin.
As time passed, the rain slowed and stilled, Cayden's head gently landed on my shoulder, and I felt a soft smile tug on my lips. Occasionally the sound of our little humble laughs filled with the empty void in the room and made me feel so full, warm and comfortable.
Yep. Cayden was my type of person. He was definitely my person.
****
Hi, guys!
Since there wasn't much Mayden in the last chapter, I wrote a whole chapter of only those two! Hope you liked it :)
PLEASE READ:
I know this story sometimes gets a bit too depressing and dark, but I feel like I can't make Cayden come into Maya's life as a Prince Charming and "cure" her. Honestly, that's not how depression works. I'm trying not to glorify/romanticize it.
And anyway, it would be pretty weird if I just turned this into a sappy love story between Maya and Cayden, because that's not what this book is about. Maya is a teenager who has bullied a girl, been lonely, sexually abused for two years, and she committed SUICIDE.
Let's not forget that, everyone.
If I made her move on so quickly, fall in love with Cayden, get forgiveness, redemption and live happily ever after, it would've been completely unrealistic, not to mention romanticized.
And trust me, Cayden isn't the "Prince Charming" guy. He can't cure someone when he has darkness in his own life that he's trying so hard to run away from.
So my point is, if any of the content in this triggers you or doesn't make you feel good, please don't hesitate to leave this book.
I won't hate you for that. I completely understand & respect you and your choice.
Anyway,
more chapters are coming soon!
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