❝Don't you know that you're bad for me, I gotta trust my lonely❞
- Alessia Cara, Trust My Lonely.
"Kaleb Kaden, for the second time, I am not mad," I rolled my eyes at him. He sat opposite me, spooning some cereal into his mouth and I did the same.
"You're just saying that-"
"No, I'm not. These are perks and I used to think I was used to it, but apparently I'm not, but I will eventually."
He sighed, "I called you back."
I couldn't help but laugh, "Did you really expect me to come back? An extremely spacious room still can't contain me and Sydney."
"Well, I felt bad."
"What was the need to? In the end, I spent the day with Tanner. We binged on wings and-"
"You were stress eating?"
"Well, in the beginning, I was, but later, I forgot about it and had ice cream and Netflix too."
"I'm still sorry about Sydney."
"I do not care for Sydney," I said casually and saw hurt flash across Kaleb's face so I added, "And she doesn't care for me either, so it's mutual. Just promise me that you wouldn't let Sydney come between our friendship."
He looked at me for a while then said, "I promise."
"Pinkie," I held out my pinkie while he chuckled and held his out before linking it with mine.
"Good," I smiled satisfactorily.
"So, how do you feel about the whole thing with River?"
I shrugged, "I finally told Tanner about him, by the way."
"No way. What did he say?"
"Well, he was upset, but later he told me I just had to accept he was taken which is so, so hard Kaleb, especially since he's called and texted."
"I know it's hard, and while there's a possibility he does feel something for you, we'll be starting Operation Forget River, He Has Someone," he stopped. "No, that's too long. Operation Forget River. Yes."
I chuckled lightly, "What's that? I'm scared to admit that I couldn't forget him even if I tried."
"How about you step out Friday night. Ditch work and come for our little party?"
"First, I'm not going to ditch work, and second, who's 'our'?"
"The team wants to have a little party, and hey, it's at my place-"
"I can't ditch work."
"I know better than to tell you to, but at least think about it?"
I was silent at first before saying, "Fine."
*****
By the time I got to work, River wasn't in which was a good thing because I was able to at least work without thinking or trying to see if he was looking at me.
"Hey Renée," Sky marched up to me, a smile on her face.
"Hi Sky," I replied, smiling back at her.
"You left unusually early on Friday and didn't come on Saturday-"
"No, no, I mean it's no problem that you didnt come. There wasn't even much to do if you did come. Just that on Friday, River had asked of you and he also came on Saturday thinking you'd be in."
And so, after all Sky had said, the only thing I could say was, "Oh."
"Well, he's here now, so I'm sure you can see and talk," she grabbed her pen from the counter.
I looked to the door immediately and truly, River had just walked in. The memory of Friday came back and I felt like crawling into a hole and not come out. Before I could tear my eyes from him, his gaze met mine and he smiled, giving a small wave, but his eyes looked like they were filled with questions. I forced a light smile back at him and quickly got back to what I was doing.
Throughout work, I could feel River's eyes on me sometimes. I really wanted to look at him, share the small smiles we usually gave each other, but I had to scold myself that there was no need for that anymore.
"Renée, you could get off work now," Sky informer me hours later and I nodded, saying okay. I cleaned the counter then grabbed my bag.
The sun that hit my face the moment I made my way out of the door caused me to squint, making me bring my hand to my face to shield my eyes. I looked out to the road.
"Renée."
I didn't need anyone to tell me that was River. I knew his voice and I was already used to it.
"Renée," he called again and this time, be walked briskly to me. "I could swear you weren't the one who just left the bakery. What's up? We don't get to talk today?" He paused. "I didn't get to see you on Friday and I called and texted during the weekend."
I stared at him, opening my mouth to say something. Should I lie to him? Tell him I just wasn't with my phone? Tell him I was busy with school work? No, it wasn't any use.
"Are you okay?" I heard him ask quietly.
"Yeah, I am," I nodded.
"You sure? Because we can always drive somewhere and talk about it."
Oh yeah? So you'll kiss me again and then drive to her house to kiss her too?
"No," I shook my head. "I'm fine."
He didn't seem convinced and he looked really concerned, but I looked past it.
"Well, I could take you home?"
"Don't worry about it," I tried to smile. "I can walk it."
*****
Trying to create a distance from River was much harder than I thought. I knew that yesterday when all I wanted to do was stay back with him and talk, and just let things be the way it used to be, but I couldn't.
This was taking way too much willpower and emotional strength I didn't know I had, and it was even more draining because River had no idea and was still being his charming self, that was one of the things that made me so attached to him, and that was why no matter how hard I tried to be be civil, I accepted his offer of fro-yo the next day after work.
He came to the counter, a sheepish smile on his face and his hands behind him as he asked, "Would you like to get fro-yo?"
I wanted to say yes so bad, but I shook my head. "No. I mean, I would love to, but I can't."
And then he grinned, lifting up two tubs of frozen yogurt, "Well, it's good that I brought it, then. It's red velvet and I know you love it so..." He shrugged.
This brought a smile to my face. I couldn't help it. His girlfriend was so lucky.
Could this get any harder?
Yes, because the next few minutes, I found myself seated with him on the bench outside the bakery. I should get up and leave, and I hated myself for still sitting with him. I sat, taking my fro-yo quietly and staring at random things.
"I might be wrong, but you haven't been yourself," he stated, his deep voice breaking the silence and filling my ears.
I didn't say anything in response. Was I meant to tell him my subconscious was presently wallowing in self pity because he had someone? Should I just keep quiet?
"I may not have known you for so long, but I know you to the extent where I can just tell if something's wrong... I think."
I still remained silent and I felt like I was going to cry.
"Does it have to do with a test? We can talk about it if you want," he said.
I hated that he was trying this hard to find out what was wrong. He sounded genuinely concerned. I hated that I couldn't be straight up with him and just tell him what I'd seen. I just shook my head and said, "You know what? I shouldn't even be here."
He looked confused, "What?"
I got up from the bench, "I shouldn't be here."
He stood up as well, "Have I done something wrong? Something to upset you?"
"Just drop it. I have to go. Thanks for the fro-yo."
"Wait," he called. "Can I at least take you home?"
So I said again, "No, I can walk it."
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