Dear Diary,
I walked backwards from the double doors that Farley had just disappeared into, my feet shifting underneath me, not quite sure where I was going as Leo stood there and watched. After a few more steps my legs buckled as they hit the edge of a chair. My bum fell into the chair and I laid the tips of my elbows onto my knees, holding my head in my hands, my hair falling either side of my face.
I watched the ground as Leo stayed where he was. I listened to the sounds of the hospital corridor, feet shuffling this way and that, murmuring and the metallic sound of wheels on the cold, hard floor.
I closed my eyes and could do nothing else but pray. I don’t even know what I said, I just know I had never spoken to God before. Even when Mum died I don’t think I ever thought about praying. But there I was in a hospital somewhere in New York praying quietly to God asking for his help.
Who else could I ask? I could hardly bear to look at Leo. Farley was somewhere I didn’t want to imagine. I had the vague notion that it was cheeky, suddenly wanting to talk with God right then like I’d waited until everything was as wrong as it could be. I think I apologized for that.
I prayed that Farley would be alright, muttering that he didn’t deserve to be hurt, that it was my fault. That I didn’t think. That I was sorry. So sorry. I promised I would never be the same again. That I would find a way to make up for what I had done; if only Farley would be alright.
I don’t know how long I prayed for – it could’ve been ages. Eventually I looked up and saw Leo a few seats along also with his head in his hands. Also looking at the ground, also muttering. Was he praying as well?
He turned his head towards me, sorrowful. I pulled my hair back and sat back in the chair then looked down at my hands, caked in Farley’s blood, all along my arms, nestled in the gold leaves of my dress.
Leo rose from his chair, came over to me and lifted me up from where I sat. I didn’t have the heart to argue. He put my arm around his neck and he led me along to the hospital bathroom.
The door was marked with a female sign but Leo came in anyway leading me in silence to the sink. He positioned my body in front of it and knelt down beside me turning the coldwater tap on full force.
He took my hands and leant them over the sink, washing the blood away with the water. It was ice cold. He rose from his knees and dabbed at my face with a wet papertowel, blood running into the sink as he squeezed it. I looked at myself in the mirror seeing a creepy version of the girl I had been just a few hours ago. Still dressed in gold, hair still flowing, mascara still thick. Except no longer the same.
Leo left me propped up next to the sink for a while whilst he cleaned his own arms. There was nothing he could do about the huge streaks of red all the way down his white shirt. He splashed water over his face and paused to look in the mirror just as I had done. He slowly shook his head like he were looking at his greatest enemy.
He turned to me and it was as though he had a touch of resolve in his eye.
‘Come on, Amber,’ he said. ‘We have to talk.’
‘No,’ I said, as he took my arm and led me out of the bathroom.
‘Yes,’ he said, with much more force than I could hope to muster.
With that he led me again by the elbow, out of the grey corridor, out into the main waiting room. I had vague thoughts of escaping but no energy to back it up. He led me along through the waiting room, off to another corridor. He searched the signs with his eyes.
‘Ah,’ he said. ‘Let’s go up here.’
He led me through a corridor to a door at the end of it. There were stairs when we got through.
‘Up here,’ he said.
My head flopped down.
‘Don’t want to,’ I said.
‘Come on,’ he said, holding onto my arm slightly tighter.
We started to walk up the stairs. It took a while to get to the next landing.
‘Now what?’ I said, holding onto the railing.
‘We keep going,’ he said.
It went on like this for four, could’ve been five, flights of stairs. After a while we reached the top flight and Leo led me along through another corridor and out through another door. We were met with the cool, dark night.
‘Aw,’ I said, as the smell of the air and the look of the sky reminded me of where we had just been.
Farley lying on the floor as I knelt next to him. Any other time I’m sure I would’ve loved to be out on that rooftop, the whole of Manhatten all around us, no one there, just Leo and I.
He led me over to a corner on the rooftop where a few garden chairs and a rickety little table sat. Plants in pots grew all along the side of the walls. Seeing those plants pricked my heart. It made me think of my own little plants back home. For a second I wondered how they were doing. Did the neighbor water them every day like I asked?
Then I checked myself, guilty that I could think of anything but Farley lying there on an operating table a few floors below me.
‘Why are we here?’ I said, flopping down into one of the chairs.
‘Well,’ said Leo. ‘It’s time for us to talk.’
‘Talk?’ I said. ‘What about? The fact that you tricked me into getting my boyfriend beaten up?’
He looked to the ground, the lights of a skyscraper twinkling behind him.
‘I am truly sorry…’ he said.
‘Sorry?’ I said. ‘I just, I can’t understand it.’
‘Well, I, I…’ he said.
‘Why?’ I said. ‘Were you that jealous that your little sister found someone she liked?’
‘No, well, no,’ he said.
‘Well? What was it Leo? You just wanted to destroy Farley? For no good reason? And you wanted me to do it? To be the one who pointed him out and got him attacked. I may as well have ripped him to pieces with my own hands.’
‘No, I was…’ he said.
‘You were jealous. It’s obvious now,’ I said.
‘Well, maybe a bit, at first but…’ he said.
‘You wanted me all to yourself,’ I said. ‘God, I’m your sister, not your wife.’
‘Oh come on now, shut up, Amber,’ he said. ‘Listen to me.’
He leant over, holding onto both my arms just below my hands.
‘Listen,’ he said.
As he released my arms from his hold I sank back into my chair and folded my arms across my chest.
‘I thought I was losing you,’ he said.
‘But why? I wasn’t going anywhere.’ I said.
‘Are you sure about that?’ he said.
‘Yes! I’m sure. What the hell do you think I’m doing here in New York playing a gig with you?’ I said, now holding onto the side of the table as it wobbled in my hands.
‘I thought you were planning to leave me, to leave The Dovetails,’ he said.
‘What? No, why would I do that?’ I said.
‘Ah,’ he said, standing up, beginning to pace back and forth across the rooftop. ‘I got it into my head you and Farley were planning to run off or something. Oh God, I don’t know. I just thought I was losing you, I thought everything was changing – that we weren’t who we were anymore. It sounds stupid now.’
‘Damn right it sounds stupid. It sounds dangerous, that’s what it sounds,’ I said. ‘Whatever the hell were you thinking? You thought it would all work out by getting Farley killed?’
‘I never wanted him killed! I never thought, I wasn’t thinking straight. I don’t know! I just couldn’t stand the thought of being without you. After losing Mum, and Dad, I don't know... I just didn't want to lose you as well...’ he said.
I saw a tear fall from his eye onto his cheek. I haven't seen him cry since we were kids.
‘Why did you think I was leaving you, Leo?’ I said.
‘I just got it onto my head. Ah. It was weird,’ he said. ‘Marilyn and I talked about it.’
‘What do you mean ‘Marilyn and I talked about it’? What the hell has she got to do with it?’ I said.
‘Marilyn, um, she was you know, a friend – we talked,’ he said.
‘Talked? About what exactly?’ I said, now on my feet, closer to him.
‘She was the one who told me about you and Farley in the first place. She saw you guys on your first date,’ he said.
‘Oh yeah?’ I said, consciously holding back my anger so I could find out more.
‘Yeah, she was worried about me,’ he said.
‘Oh really?’ I said.
‘Remember at the Manchester gig? When you went off with Farley? She just talked to me and she thought you guys had plans you weren’t saying. You were so distant, I just couldn’t figure it out,’ he said.
I swallowed hard, forcing myself not to explode.
‘Are you together, with Marilyn?’ I said.
‘How do you mean?’ he said.
‘Like boyfriend and girlfriend?’ I said.
‘Oh no! God no. Not at all,’ he said.
‘So she was just trying to help you?’ I said, through gritted teeth.
‘Yeah, although, now I see it went too far,’ he said.
‘Hmmm,’ I said.
A sudden memory hit me. The boy. The Oliver Twist boy with the note, just before we went on stage.
‘Who was that boy?’ I said.
‘What boy?’ he said.
‘The one that gave you the note before we did our set tonight?’
‘Oh,’ said Leo.
‘Oh?’ I said, a flash of the note lying on the keyboard coming into my mind, a memory of Leo reading it.
‘You saw that?’ he said.
‘Yes, I saw it Leo. Who was it from?’ I said, rising up from the chair.
‘It was from Marilyn,’ he said, taking in a deep breath.
What did it say?’ I said, now close to where he paced.
‘I’m so sorry, Amber,’ he said, dropping his eyes to the ground.
‘What did it say?’
‘It told me who to point out in the audience. It told me where Farley was,’ he said.
‘What?’ I said, unable to hold back the fireball of rage any longer.
‘She pointed him out?’ I said. ‘Was this whole thing her plan?’
Leo took a step back from me, his brow knitted tight.
‘Was this her plan?’ I said, stepping forward.
‘Yes,’ he said.
Anger took me over. All I saw was the memory of Marilyn standing in the wings staring down at us as we performed just a few hours ago. All I could do was begin my quest to find her. I turned around away from Leo.
‘Where are you going?’ he said.
It was my turn to have more strength than him as I put power into my step and escaped his outstretched arms. I ran fast, as fast as I could. All I could think was – where is that bitch?