couldn't resist posting lol i'm drunk on a ship to amsterdam enjoy
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September 5th, 2017
Camila sits bolt upright and immediately checks the date on her phone, before she falls back onto the bed with a groan. She buries her head into her pillows and lets out a small scream of frustration, before looking at her texts and reading the one from Lauren.
mi amor ✨😏💜 (6:55AM): Rise and shine! Hope you have a good first day back. Funny how it's on the FIFTH, huh?
It's conspicuous, because Camila had told her about her theory that maybe everything will fix itself on the one year mark, and Lauren had promised to send something referencing Fifth Harmony, hence the comment about the fifth, to assure Camila that she's still herself.
Camz 🍑 (7:15AM): i'm still me
mi amor ✨😏💜 (7:16AM): Okay. Same here, if it wasn't obvious. Any other ideas?
Camz 🍑 (7:16AM): can I call you?
In response, Lauren calls her, and Camila picks up the phone, voice raspy with sleep. "You know you didn't need to get up this early, right?"
"I know, but I have an introductory lecture at nine, so I figured I might as well," Lauren answers, "are you okay?"
"Yeah, I guess," Camila pushes the covers off herself, puts her phone on speaker and places it on her dresser as she rifles through her drawers for something to wear. "And to answer your question about any other ideas, I'm starting to think that you were right. That there are some things I need to think about."
"Not to be that person, but I told you so," Lauren replies, and Camila can imagine the teasing smile. "Honestly, just weigh the pros and cons and you'll want to be right back where you were."
"Speaking of that," Camila says, grabbing her crescent moon necklace and putting it on, wishing Lauren was the one putting it on her. "What have you decided? You've been in a college environment for a week, and when I ran into your dad at the store, he said you seemed happy when he left."
"I don't know," Lauren shrugs, sounding lighthearted and uncaring. "I mean, sure it's a nice thought, just being normal, but then I was thinking about how little time I'd get to spend with you, because a lot of classes monitor attendance, and there's going to be a fuck ton of work. I think I'll probably stick with what I know, but who knows what the future might bring."
Camila breathes a sigh of relief as she tugs her jeans on. That sounds a lot like I'm staying in Fifth Harmony. "Do you think it would be too soon if I opened for you guys?"
Lauren laughs. "Oh, definitely. I'll have to speak to my manager about that, Cabello."
"Oh, you love me," Camila teases her, pulling a t-shirt over her head. She sprays her deodorant and grabs her phone, bringing it into the bathroom with her as she puts toothpaste onto her toothbrush. "Written any more songs about how you're not the label's little puppet?"
"Not as of yet, but I was thinking, in an act of rebellion or whatever, I could maybe record it myself and post it," Lauren says, "play it off like a Christmas gift for the fans. In addition to that, we're also going to be telling everyone, right? I know how much the secrecy hurt you."
"I mean... I'm a little scared of the label and if we accidentally violate contract they won't be afraid to sue," Camila argues, mumbling around her toothbrush. She spits, and adds, "But as long as we both read it through like five hundred times and do it in a way that wouldn't... you know, class as breaking contract, then yes. I want to tell people. As long as you're comfortable."
"I said I'd tell them. I meant it." Lauren replies, and while Camila is still a little surprised by that whole thing, she's not going to try and get Lauren to change her mind. No, this is what she's always wanted, to be the one Lauren was open and proud with. "I'm yours and I'm proud to be yours."
See? Camila tells herself, pushing those horrible worries and doubts down. It's not the same as it used to be. She's yours, and that's that. "Well, I never thought I'd hear that."
"Best get used to it," Lauren answers, and Camila can practically hear her smile. "Want me to stay on the phone with you until Dinah comes to pick you up?"
"Yeah," Camila answers, finishing off brushing her teeth and putting her toothbrush back in its holder. "I need to go grab a drink. Honestly, I wish I could just hop on a plane and come to you."
"I know, but you need time to think, separate from me." Lauren answers as Camila heads downstairs and pours herself a glass of water. "Have you done any thinking? Even though you thought you'd wake up where we're supposed to be today."
"Um, I kind of avoided it," Camila says, smiling at her mom as she drinks her water and mouths I'll take some pancakes too, nodding at the batch she's making for Sofi. "But I promise, I'm on it. Okay?"
"Okay," Lauren answers, and she sounds wary, but trusting. It makes Camila's heart hurt. "I think everyone is getting kind of restless. I know I am."
"It's my fault," Camila mumbles, walking into the lounge and sitting down on the couch. She lowers her voice, not wanting Sinu to hear anything. "There are some thoughts I can't face and I just... it's hard."
Lauren hums. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"I know, I just don't want to say anything and then have you get upset," Camila mumbles, "but I'm... I'm scared about going back. Mainly because of you."
She didn't want to talk about this around Lauren; in reality, Lauren is the last person she should talk to about it.
She knows she's fucked up when she hears the long silence on the end of the line. "Because of me?"
"I'm just so scared that you won't remember anything and you'll hate me," Camila says, "or that something will happen and you'll realise that being open with me would bring so much attention and you'll freak out."
There's a long pause again, before Lauren mumbles, "After all of this, you still don't trust me?"
"No, of course that's not it," Camila starts, shaking her head and trying to sound calm and rational. "Of course I trust you, that's-"
"Sounds a lot like you don't," Lauren snaps, letting out a long sigh, and Camila can picture her running her hand through her hair. She doesn't even sound angry, just upset and so, so tired. "What's the point of any of this if you still don't trust me?"
Camila splutters, "Lauren, I do trust you, I'd trust you with my life-"
"Look, I know I fucked up and hurt you in the past, but I've done nothing wrong since we've been here. I'm trying my best and I hoped you'd give me a little more credit," Lauren sighs again, and Camila thinks the worst part of this is how she's not shouting, or angry, and it terrifies her. "I think I need some space."
"What? No, Lauren, we can't, it's-" Camila begs, hoping that she can stop her from hanging up, "we're here to be together, and I don't want that ruined! Can't you see that it's because I love you so much that I'm worried? It's such a different environment-"
"But I'm not a different person," Lauren interrupts her, and Camila finally hears the hurt in her tone. "Just... leave me alone for a few days, okay? I need some time."
"Lauren, please," Camila pleads, "I need you."
The only answer she gets is the sound of her girlfriend hanging up.
Throwing her phone in frustration, Camila is ridiculously tempted to go upstairs, call this day a failure and go back to sleep, but her mother calls her into the kitchen for her pancakes, and she sighs, walking in and trying to maintain a chipper demeanour so she doesn't seem suspicious. Under the table as she eats, she sends Lauren a message, trying to explain everything.
Camz 🍑 (7:40AM): after this I promise i'll leave you alone until you're ready but i need you to understand that i didn't say those things to hurt you and i was just voicing my concerns. it's definitely not that i don't trust you because i do I just don't trust management and the label and our environment. we already got called in for a meeting just because people thought we were dating and told us to stay apart. how do you think they're going to feel now that we actually are? i'm just so scared of the uncertainty. i understand and respect that you need your space but i never said those things to hurt you. i love you so much and i'll talk to you when you're ready.
She doesn't expect a response at all. Lauren is talented at ignoring people; she's ridiculously good at avoidance when she wants to be. She locks her phone, and when it buzzes five minutes later, she expects that it's a text from Dinah, telling her she's outside. It's not.
mi amor ✨😏💜 (7:45AM): I love you too.
It's not forgiveness or a long text about how she understands, but it's something, and it's way more than Camila would've expected in the past. It's relieving, and when she heads out to meet Dinah at her car, she's not as upset as she was before.
A reminder of their destination pops into her head as she buckles herself in, and she lets out a long sigh. "Ugh. I can't do this today."
"You think I can?" Dinah asks her, laughing. "I was glad I could drop out of high school for a reason. I suck at everything that isn't math."
"At least you understand math. It makes my brain hurt. The only reason I'm good at stuff like literature is because you can make stuff up, as long as you can back it up with a quote," Camila answers, sighing and resting her head against the window. "I just don't want to do today. I've been here for a year. A whole year of my life."
"Well, technically it's a whole year of this Camila's life," Dinah points out, "I hope she enjoys the dent you've left in her college fund."
Camila waves a hand, brushing the comment off. "She doesn't even want to go."
Dinah laughs, turning up the music on the stereo. "How's Ralph liking it? She's been there like a week, right?"
"Yeah," Camila's mood sours, "we had a fight this morning."
"Oh," Dinah frowns in confusion, "but... you guys were doing fine."
"I know, but then I said something and she got upset, and I'm not even like, blaming her for being sad, you know?" Camila bites down on her bottom lip, thankful she has Dinah to confide in. "I told her that I was worried that she might freak out in that environment, you know? The fame environment. She might get scared and run again. She got upset and accused me of not trusting her, and I do trust her, it's just old wounds rising to the surface."
"I mean, it kind of sounds like you don't trust her," Dinah points out, and Camila groans, because she knows that. "Are you sure you're one hundred percent over everything?"
"Yeah," Camila nods, because she knows she is. It's the uncertainty of the future that scares her. "I just... don't like not knowing. I like having this control, and I know that staying here means that I'll have Lauren for definite, even if she's away at college. If I do something and somehow we end up waking up where we belong, I can't know for certain that I'll have Lauren. This could all have been a weird fever dream and she'll still hate me, or if this is real and she remembers, she could get overwhelmed by the fame. She's been here even longer than I have and maybe the shock of getting thrown back into it all would scare her."
"I get that you're scared, but don't you miss making music?" Dinah asks. "The five of us, singing together. I know it's hard work, but we had some good times."
Camila sighs. "I'm still leaving, Dinah. I can't keep doing it. I need to write and use my voice."
After a few moments on silence, Dinah nods. "I thought you'd say that. Still... can't blame me for thinking maybe after everything, you'd want to stay."
"You know it's not you guys, right? You're my sisters, except Lauren, because that'd be weird," Camila says, and Dinah laughs a little, nodding. "You know I'll be there supporting you all through everything. Literally, my Twitter is going to become the number one Fifth Harmony stan account."
Dinah smiles. "I love you, Walz."
"I love you too, China." Camila smiles, as they pull up in front of the school. She gets out of the car with a sigh, looking at the building. "Do you know what you have first?"
"Mhm," Dinah nods, "do you?"
"Yeah, biology, so I'll just go die," Camila sighs, following her friend towards the building. "Can't we just ditch?"
"We can't mess up our lives, Mila. Even if they're not ours." Dinah says, and Camila knows that Lauren's told her that. "We'll be fine. It's just until three."
Camila sighs, pulling her backpack onto her shoulder, and resigns herself to the rest of the day. Her first class passes easily, but when she second one comes around, one of her classmates spills a cup of water all over her, and she has to walk around soaking for hours. She's even more annoyed when people seem to have absolutely no awareness of their surroundings and bump into her, then have the audacity to act like she's the idiot.
She wants nothing more than to text Lauren, but Lauren wants space, and she respects that. By the end of the day, Camila is mildly homicidal, and is thankful to get home and lay down in her bed. She sighs, and looks at her text conversation with Lauren, looking at the I love you too that she'd received that morning.
The message in itself had surprised her. She'd expected Lauren to ignore her until she was ready to talk, but she'd sent her that, a reassurance in a way, to let her know that she's not going to run. If she thinks about it, Lauren has had plenty of chances to leave her, and she hasn't. She's really doing it right this time, and she hasn't given Camila any evidence to believe that she'll run again.
She rests her head on her pillow with a sigh, and thinks about the other factors, about management, about the label, and it all terrifies her. There's so many variables, so many things she can't control, and it's driving her crazy, but when she thinks about her dream career, and her dream girl, and the possibility that she could have them both at the same time? She thinks it might be worth it.
Impulsively, she calls Lauren's phone, and it goes straight to voicemail, but she expected that. When the tone sounds, indicating she should start her message, Camila smiles and says, "Hi, babygirl. I know you want your space, and that's why I'm glad it went to voicemail, because I want you to hear this, but in your own time. I love you so much, and if I think about it, that's all that really matters. Whatever endless possibilities are out there, whatever outcomes, whatever may happen when we get back to where we're supposed to be... I'm ready to take them on. And if... if for some reason I wake up and you hate me, you best believe I'm going to fight to get you back, and I'm never going to let you go. You're my everything and I can't wait to share my life with you. My real life. So, um, I love you, and... and I'll talk to you soon."
Camila smiles, satisfied with her message, and ends the call, before closing her eyes and passing out in exhaustion after her long, awful day.
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December 18th, 2016
She yawns, blinking the sleep out of her eyes and rolling over in her bed. Tiredly, she snuggles her face in her pillow, yawning again, and remembering that she'd fallen asleep just after school. She sits up, hungry, wondering why Sinu hadn't woken her up for dinner, and she grabs her phone to see if Lauren had contacted her at all.
She almost doesn't notice the date.
No, her eyes skip over it, because she's used to it just being the same, but as her phone unlocks, she swears she sees it. She locks it again, and turns the screen on, seeing the words written there, just under the time. December 18th, 2016. 8:02PM. Three hours after she'd fallen asleep.
She feels like someone had just poured a bucket of ice water down her back. Her heart stops, and she stares down at the screen, catatonic, unable to believe she could've possibly dreamed all of that in three hours.
She jumps up, darting over to her mirror, and she sees someone she hasn't seen in a year; nineteen-year-old Camila Cabello stares back at her, and she's frozen for a few moments, staring at her reflection, before reality hits and she dives over to her bed, grabbing her phone and scrambling to call Lauren, heart racing in anticipation as it starts to ring.
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she back
also for those fake ass readers who don't follow me i uploaded that youtuber au go read it it's called off camera and it's on my profile k thanks