i forgot to post this yesterday because i'm in the midst of exam season and i can't promise that i'll be updating next thursday since i'll be in amsterdam celebrating the fact that exams are over for me on wednesday. i'll try my best but i'm gonna be busy travelling so here's your warning!!!
also i started writing that youtuber au even though it got the least votes last chapter and now i have 40,000 words
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August 27th, 2017
"You can't get on that plane."
Lauren sighs, running a hand through her hair. "I have to. Like I said, this... this isn't my life, and I have to play it safe. I can't ruin things for this other me when she gets back."
"But- but I don't know if I'll be able to cope if you go," Camila mumbles, "and it's not like your classes start this week. They don't start until the eleventh."
"Yeah, but there's move in day, and then there's all the intro stuff next week." Lauren points out, "I can't just... ruin her college experience."
"For all we know, this isn't even real." Camila argues. "Maybe this world will just fizzle out once we leave, which, by the way, we haven't. Even though we're all friends again, which is what we thought would send us back. How are we supposed to figure things out if you're halfway across the country?"
"I- I don't know, but..." Lauren sighs, zipping up her suitcase. "But I have to go. My dad's taking me, and we've already booked the flights and I can't just drop everything because we've already decided that these lives are real, and I can't go fucking it up. We'll figure something out, and I can always fly back."
Camila sends Lauren a pleading look, hoping to god she changes her mind, because she doesn't think she can do this without her. Sure, she'll have the other girls, but she doesn't know if she'll be able to cope if she didn't have Lauren there. "Please don't go. I'm begging you."
After a few moments of silence, Lauren laughs. She actually fucking laughs. "Wow, what a parallel, huh?"
Camila stares at her. "What are you talking about?"
"You begging me not to leave," Lauren chuckles lightly, "considering it's the opposite in our actual world. Everything here is pretty backwards, and I guess we just got caught up in it. Took something being different as something being better."
Camila blinks in confusion, her heart dropping and a cold wave of fear rushing over her. "Are you saying you want everything to be the way it is there?"
"No, not exactly," Lauren shakes her head, looking up at Camila, "I mean, that world might be different, but it's ours right? And even if there's a risk that we wake up there and we don't remember this, it's still our world. Even if some things are kind of shitty, it's ours, and we all want to be back there. Right?"
Camila bites down on her bottom lip. "Yeah."
Lauren sighs. "Please tell me you're not still clinging onto this place. We've done what we needed to do. It's time to go."
"It's like you said. There's a risk we won't remember." Camila points out, knowing that she can trust Lauren with her fears. "What if we go back, and you don't remember, and you hate me. Or, like I've thought, that this is all my dream, and you're not actually here, I've just fabricated you and this is just some kind of subconscious torture."
"If it is, then you know you can talk to me." Lauren says, and Camila rolls her eyes. "No, seriously. I've never not cared about you, Camz. Even if I'm angry, if you just talk to me, then-"
"Oh, hi, Lauren. Yeah, I know I've barely spoken to you this last year, but I just woke up from an alternate universe where we were in love and you told me that you'd still feel the same if I spoke to you now," Camila mockingly announces, "you'd hang up the phone or think I'd gone crazy."
"Well, obviously don't put it like that," Lauren rolls her eyes, "just... ease into it. I don't know. Maybe it's my dream, not yours. Maybe I'm the one who'd have to talk to you. We can't know, and the only way we'll find out is if we're all ready to go back."
Camila sighs, running a hand through her hair. "This isn't important. I need you here. You can't disappear off to college."
"I have to," Lauren answers, but reaches out and takes Camila's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "But it's okay. I'm just a phone call away. I'm always going to be there if you need me."
"Not physically," Camila pouts, "that- I don't want to deal with that after having you with me."
"It's something we have to deal with," Lauren points out, "because when we get back, you won't be in the group anymore. You'll be on your own tours. We'll have long periods of time where we're not together."
Camila sighs. "I know that, but-"
"But we'll have more chance to see each other there than we will here. I'll be a broke college student and you'll be stuck in high school," Lauren replies, "we can coordinate our schedules and spend as much time as we can together, as well as spending Christmas break with each other. And there are the events, where we can be each other's dates and show how amazing we both are to the world. We can have so much there, as well as our respective careers. If I..."
Camila frowns. "If you what?"
"If I even..." Lauren sighs, "if I stay in the group. I mean, now that you're gone... maybe I should just go to school. Be a teacher."
Camila blinks in surprise, because she hadn't expected that. "Wait, for real?"
"I mean, better now than never, right?" Lauren shrugs. "I don't like being in the group, but I don't think any of us do. Maybe if... if we had an album where we could actually write, I wouldn't mind it, but... I'm just so tired of being their puppet and I want to do something meaningful. What's more meaningful than passing on knowledge?"
"But- but you can't," Camila stammers, staring at her, "you're- you're too talented. What about that song you wrote? Wouldn't you want to pitch that for the label, to sing it with the girls?"
"I wrote that for myself," Lauren replies, shrugging. "And, you know, I hate fame. And I know that- that being a teacher won't really make it go away, because I'll have already had that exposure but once people they realise they're not getting anything from me, maybe they'll back off."
"But if you're with me, it won't go away," Camila points out, "you know that I plan to be as successful as I can, and if you don't want to be anywhere near fame, then obviously you don't want to be near me."
"That's not what I said," Lauren sighs, "and you know that I'm not going to leave you. I just don't like fame, and if I could get rid of my own personal fame, then... I guess I wouldn't hate it as much. Fame would just be an indirect kind of thing."
"But you love music," Camila argues, even though she knows Lauren has lost her passion recently, she thought she was rediscovering it. "And- and the girls, they need you."
"They don't like the group either. Maybe they'd be okay with it," Lauren shrugs, running her hand through her hair in a nervous tick. "I just don't... I don't know what I'm going to do. But we need to get back to figure it out."
"How are we supposed to do that with you halfway across the country? With Mani halfway across the country?" Camila asks. "I need you. That's my point."
Lauren sends her a small smile, kissing her cheek. "You don't need me, Camz. You don't need anybody. You're tough and you're smart and you'll figure out whatever it is that's making you cling to this place. We've all let go. It's time for you to do the same."
"What about Lucy?" Camila argues. "She's still clinging onto Nicole."
"But she's accepted that if they're meant to be, she'll find her." Lauren finishes for her. "And- and you haven't."
Camila frowns, pulling her hand from Lauren's defensively. "I'm not clinging to anything. I don't have to worry about Lucy finding Nicole."
"You know I'm not talking about that," Lauren shoots her a look, "I'm talking about how you think you're not going to find me. Obviously, you know how to, but you're scared that I'm not going to remember. Lucy has always said that she thinks it'll come down to you. That you have a choice. I think the choice is... is clinging to this place, just to have me, or risking me not remembering in favour of your career and our actual world."
"I can't make that choice," Camila shakes her head, "I can't. I can't lose you."
"And you won't," Lauren takes her hand again, squeezing it comfortingly. "Think about it this way; me going to college will give you... perspective. Maybe we need that time apart for you to make that choice. And honestly? Sometimes taking risks can pay off."
Ignoring the words, Camila sighs. "Can I come to the airport with you and your family?"
"Of course," Lauren smiles at her, pulling away to take her phone off charge. "And you know I'll be a phone call away if you need me."
"Yeah. Phone call away." Camila echoes sadly. "Not twenty minutes away."
"Come on, don't be such a downer," Lauren nudges against her comfortingly, "It's better than the alternative."
Camila frowns. "What alternative?"
"Well, if we'd never been here in the first place, we wouldn't even talk," Lauren points out, "you'd be walking around thinking I hated you, and I'd be walking around thinking you hated me. In that case, I wouldn't have been even a phone call away because you wouldn't have dared to call me."
Camila knows she's right, but it doesn't mean she has to be happy about it. "Fine."
Lauren sends her a teasing smile. "Stop sulking!"
"I just don't want to deal with another fucking year of high school without you there," Camila sighs, running a hand through her hair. "I don't want you to be far away from me."
"I know, but I have to be," Lauren easily replies, "but it'll be fine. It's not like you're never going to see me again, weirdo."
Camila worries her bottom lip between her teeth, and she doesn't mean to blurt out her thoughts. It just kind of happens. "But what if I don't?"
Lauren crinkles her nose in confusion. "I don't know what you mean. Of course you'll see me."
"No, like... if you're right, if this distance does something," Camila tries to clarify. "If it sends us back. What if I go back, and you don't remember any of this? I know you're telling me to approach you, but I don't think I could. I can't go through... hearing you say all of those things about me. Because you will, if you don't remember."
Lauren seems like she can't think of a logical response to that, and that's because there isn't one. She opens her mouth to speak, closes it, and looks down at her lap, picking at a loose thread in her ripped jeans. "I mean... you can't know that for sure."
Camila sends her a sceptical look. "It's pretty likely."
"Can't you just trust me when I say everything will be okay?" Lauren asks. "I love you. I've always loved you, and yes, sometimes that made me so fucking angry, because I didn't want to, but if you tell me that you love me too..."
"You might get defensive," Camila argues, "try to push me away."
"Then don't let me," Lauren answers, shrugging like it wouldn't be an impossible task to make an angry Lauren listen to her. "Don't look like that. It'll be okay, and if it comes down to it, and I really won't listen to you, then just kiss me. That'll work."
Camila swallows the lump in her throat, and knowing there's nothing she can do to stop Lauren from going off to college, she nods and pulls her down onto the bed, holding her in her arms like she's going to disappear. "I just... I love you so much, and I don't want to be without you."
"You'll never be without me," Lauren assures her, pressing a kiss to Camila's cheek. "I promise, okay?"
Camila bites down on her bottom lip, nodding and trying to make herself believe the words. She holds Lauren tight, and won't let her go until Mike knocks on the door and says they're going to head to the airport. Lauren stands up and double checks her bag, before pulling it up and holding her hand out. She sends Camila that soft, reserved smile that Lauren only uses on her, and holds out her hand. "Come on, baby."
Camila sighs, and stands up, taking Lauren's hand and holding it tight. "I still don't think you should go."
"I know, Camz," Lauren smiles knowingly, "but I have to."
"And, um..." Camila pulls her back before she can head down the stairs. "I don't think you should leave the group too. I don't think college is... I mean, at the end of the day, it's your choice, but you're too talented to just go to college and disappear into obscurity. I thought you were rediscovering your passion for music."
"I'm trying to," Lauren shrugs, "I don't know what I'll do. I guess this place has had an effect on me too, because I'm going to get a taste of what college would be like. Maybe that'll influence my decision."
Camila hums, hoping she'll choose to stay in the music industry, because she really wants to take Lauren to award shows as her date, and collaborate with her on songs, and show everyone how much she values her. If Lauren wants to go to college to get away from fame, then she wouldn't want to do any of that.
Camila helps Lauren get her suitcase down the stairs, and Mike takes it out to the car. She pulls her girlfriend into her arms and sighs. "I love you."
"I love you too," Lauren smiles, pulling her in for a kiss, apparently not caring about her family walking around. "You're still coming with me, right?"
"Yeah," Camila nods, not letting go of Lauren's hand until she absolutely has to, when she pulls her brother and sister in for a goodbye hug. As they head out to the car, Camila asks, "Why aren't they coming?"
Lauren shrugs. "Didn't want to, and I told them they didn't need to, so..."
Camila hums, and gets into the back of the car with Lauren, taking her hand and refusing to let go. She willingly sits in the middle seat, just so she can be close to the older girl, and rests her head on her shoulder and loops her arm through Lauren's. She tries to remind herself that Lauren isn't just going to disappear when she gets on that plane; no, she's just going to be a phone call away. Not twenty minutes, but it's not like she's dumping her.
When they get to the airport, Camila helps Lauren with her bag as she and her father walk to the departure gates. "Call me as soon as you get there."
She's trying to hold it together, and Lauren looks up at her with tearful eyes, pulling her in for a tight hug. "I don't like this distance as much as you. Just... we've got to see it as a good thing."
"Yeah," Camila mumbles, biting down on her bottom lip and pressing a small kiss to Lauren's cheek. "I just don't want to be without you."
Lauren gives her a comforting squeeze around the waist before she pulls away from her entirely. "Take this time to think about... about what's keeping you here. Okay?"
As Lauren turns to head through the departure gate with her father, Camila frowns, pulling her back. Lauren looks at her as if to say I have to go, but Camila sends her a soft, sad smile. "Aren't you going to give me a goodbye kiss?"
Lauren smiles and pulls her in for a kiss, and Camila knows it's the last one she'll get for a while. Or maybe ever, but she tries to push that from her mind. "I'll call you when I get there, babe."
After saying goodbye to Clara, and promising to call when they're there, Lauren and Mike head through the departure gates with suitcases rolling behind them, and Camila waits until they've rounded the corner and disappeared before she turns away and follows Clara back to the car.
In their actual world, Clara Jauregui is not her biggest fan, and it's still kind of surreal that she chats pleasantly with Camila on the drive to drop her off at home. They talk about Lauren, and even though the embarrassing stories that Clara is bringing up aren't about the real Lauren, they're entertaining nonetheless, and Camila wonders if any of them are applicable to her girlfriend.
When they pull up outside her house, Camila thanks Clara, and hopes that maybe if she's as polite as humanly possible, some of that will rub off on the real Clara when they get back, because she knows that if there's one person who'd be opposed to Lauren dating Camila, it'd be her.
Once she gets inside, she heads up to her bedroom and flops down on her bed, her heart sinking when she realises that in just over a week, she'll have to deal with high school again, this time without Lauren there. She glances over at her calendar, and sees the circled date; September 5th, 2017. Not only is it the first day back at school, it'll be a year since Camila had woken up here. A whole year of her life, stuck in a world that isn't hers.
She still doesn't know what's tethering her to this place. She has the girls back, and she has Lauren, and by this point, she isn't even sure if she's the key. Lucy may think so, but she could be wrong, and if it's down to her making a choice, she's not sure if that choice is the predictable one; the girls or her career. She thinks they've all made it blatantly clear that they're not angry at her, that they understand why she wants to leave, so she can't see them being angry at her if she sticks with her choice.
She picks up her phone and double checks the date, remembering that there's someone else she needs to talk to before she sleeps tonight. She stands up, heads down the stairs, and swipes the car keys before anyone can say anything, pulling out of the driveway with her destination in mind.
On the drive, she glances longingly over at the passenger seat, missing Lauren already, and wishing she'd been impulsive and just not gotten on the plane. While she thinks Ross and Rachel's relationship is pretty toxic, the whole I got off the plane thing was so romantic to her, and she'd been hoping Lauren would do the same.
She pulls up in front of the house she needs to be at, and hammers on the front door, not caring if they're busy, and breathing a sigh of relief when it swings open to the person she needs.
"Okay, this is important, so I need you to listen," Camila blurts out, pushing past Lucy to get inside without an invite. "Lauren just left for college, and everything seems fine, but everyone thinks that I'm the reason we're still here. Why?"
"Um, come in?" Lucy sarcastically replies, shutting the door and turning to Camila with a frown. "I don't know. Only you can know that."
"But clearly you have a hunch, if you think it's down to me," Camila argues, sitting down on the stairs and looking up at her, pleading. "Just tell me. I have eight days to figure this out before I have to deal with high school again, and I'd rather get out of here before that happens."
"Well," Lucy frowns, beckoning her up the stairs, "how do you feel about this place?"
"I mean, it's not ours, and I want to leave, obviously," Camila answers, flopping down on Lucy's bed. "But you and Lauren and probably the other girls think it's me that's keeping us here, but I don't understand why, because it's not like I want to stay."
"Are you sure?" Lucy asks her. "One hundred percent, you want to leave? You've not got any fears or worries about waking up where we're supposed to be?"
At the question, Camila's stomach drops with guilt, but she shakes her head. "No. Why would I?"
Lucy eyes her suspiciously, before she sighs and replies, "Well, an idea is... it's almost been a year for you, right? And if you're the reason we're all here, then maybe on your one year, we'll be back in our real world."
Camila bites down on her bottom lip, nodding, deciding that the alternative is too awful to voice. "Yeah. Maybe."
Lucy just shrugs, grabbing a sweater from the desk chair and folding it up, putting it in the big suitcase on the floor. She's leaving, too; heading to New Orleans tomorrow just like she did in their actual world, starting on the same degree. "All we can do is wait and see."
After a few moments of silent thought, Camila looks up at her and frowns. "What I really don't get is what brought you here. You're not in Fifth Harmony. Sure, you were Lauren's girlfriend, but nobody else's significant other showed up."
"I thought we went through that." Lucy answers, "I was here to get over Lauren. You're the one she's meant to be with. Besides... I think I found something pretty great here, and while leaving Nicole is going to kill me, I know that we're supposed to be together, and I'll find her."
Camila sits up, staring at her in shock. "I'm not the key. Or maybe I am, for Dinah or whatever, but for us, Lauren is the reason. She's always been the reason. And now she's going to get on a plane and fly halfway across the country."
As Camila scrambles to dig her phone from her pocket, Lucy stops her. "Don't call her. She has to go."
"But this is important," Camila tries to argue, "she's the reason you and I are both here-"
"Is she?" Lucy questions her, letting out a sigh and sitting down on the bed next to Camila. "Think about it this way; for Dinah, she thought she'd lost you. Same for Lauren. But the reason they came here wasn't you. They clearly had a want for you in their lives, and that's down to them. If they didn't care about not having you around, then they wouldn't be here. Our reasons... they're ourselves, and maybe other people are a factor in that, but at the end of the day, if we didn't care, we wouldn't be here."
Camila frowns. "But... why did you think I was the key then? If we're all our own reason."
"Because you've been a factor in every single case. Ally and Normani both had really bad experiences with your fans, which made them feel like they weren't wanted or valued, and that you didn't care." Lucy explains, and Camila wonders how much thought she's really put into this. "But now they know that they are valued, and that things with you aren't strained, so they're ready to go. Lauren and Dinah both thought they'd lost you, but realised they hadn't."
Camila picks at a thread on Lucy's duvet. "And you?"
"For the most part, it was because of everything with Lauren," Lucy says, "but I'll admit that... even though I never acted like it, I was jealous of you, too. I always saw how much she cared about you and I kind of hated you for it. Just a little."
Finally, Camila laughs, and pulls Lucy in for a hug. "Don't worry, I kind of hated you, too. So you're saying that we were supposed to be friends?"
"We both hate drama, and so does Lauren, even if she is extremely extra," Lucy points out, and Camila chuckles in agreement. "Maybe this place is all about getting things right."
"Maybe," Camila agrees, before she smiles and says, "all I know is, I got my soulmate and another best friend out of all of this."
Lucy smiles, and hugs her again. "Yeah. How're you feeling, now that Lauren's gone?"
"Lost. Upset," Camila sighs. "She told me to think about what's keeping me here, but I think... I think I should wait and see about the year thing first. There are some thoughts that I'm not sure I want to face."
Lucy sends her a concerned look, but nods, and Camila pushes her doubts to the back of her mind. No, just wait and see until the fifth. Maybe you won't have to confront that thought after all.