Declan's POV
I sit down in front of my computer and open Instawrite. There is nothing new from David. I choose a random chapter and start reading. This was meant to be my life. I was supposed to end up with him. Maybe I should just contact him. I don't think mother would care much.
"You ready Dex?" I look around at James.
"Yeah, well... I don't think I'll ever be ready," I say. There are tears in my eyes, I won't be ashamed. I am not my brother. I will not be strong. I will be a weak coward. I need to feel.
"I know it's hard big guy, but we'll get through," he says.
"What about father's debt?" I ask.
"You don't need to worry about that, I'm here now. I'm opening my own solo practice, here in the Hamptons. Maybe in a few years I will bring in other lawyers. I'll let it grow at it's own pace. We'll have to see what father left us, he will probably leave the house to me, since I am the oldest but I am assuming you and mother will be living here." he says. I have no idea what to say. My brother is going to take care of everything, without trying to sell me.
"Well, I don't see where else we would go," I say.
"Imagine having to go and stay with Mother's family," he says. We both laugh, it's nice to be with James. He may be spoilt and arrogant but we have always gotten on really well.
"That would be a culture shock," I say. James sits on my bed and looks at my computer.
"What are you reading?" he asks. I'm not entirely sure how much he knows about my situation, so I don't know how answer him.
"A book written about me and the boy I love," I say. I know it is risky but I want to see for myself how he reacts. James takes a deep breath and looks at me. I was half expecting him to storm out or tell me off, but instead he looks me in the eye and reaches over to take my hand.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that but father forbade me from contacting you. I tried to talk him into letting you come home. I'm so sorry he did that to you Dex," he says.
"So... you're okay with it?" I ask.
"You're my brother and I love you," he says. I am taken off guard by his words. "So what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know, I would give anything to be with him James but I don't want to disrespect father. Especially now. It will feel like I am spitting on his grave," I say.
"May I give my opinion?" he asks. I nod my head. "I think father would just be happy to know you are going after what you want. In his heart he knows he was wrong to do what he did. I spoke with him yesterday, before the stroke. He told me how he regretted everything. I think he knew... he knew something big was going to happen to him. He needed to tell someone how he truly feels about you and your situation. I have never heard father like that...ever. He told me how he does understand your love for this boy, and that he would want you to be with the person you love. I found this in his study yesterday, I think he was going to post it to you. I think you should read it before we go. I will tell mother to give a few more minutes," he says as he hands me an envelope. I take it and wait for James to leave before opening it.
Declan,
My son, I wish for you to know how I regret the choice I made. I was scared, scared of my own feelings.
The truth is, I was put through your situation too. I know that makes me sound like more of a villain. I have been in your shoes, I know what it is like. I am gay Declan and my father tried to make me marry a woman. I couldn't be with the man I loved but I could still be spiteful. I met your mother in a bar. I was in Los Angeles on business.
Before I studied Philosophy, I had studied law, that is were I met the man I fell in love with. We were just boys at school. We would spend our free time, taking walks in the woods and reading poetry. I kept him a secret all through my time at university. When my father found out about my lover, I had already started working for his firm. He was furious. He tried to make me marry a woman, a very fine woman. She came from a rich family and she came with very rich contacts. I refused. My father gave me a week to think about my decision and what my choices could mean. He sent me to Los Angeles on business, I had to meet with a possible client. I traveled all the way from England to America. It was my first time in America, I found the people crude and unsivalised but I was determined to get my revenge. Your mother was very poor, she had lived her life in poverty, but she was pretty and if I closed my eyes I could imagine I was with the man I loved. She was desperate to get out of her situation and I saw an opportunity to show my father that I can play his game too. I did not get to stay with the man I loved but I did take a woman home that made my father cringe.
I married your mother and when my father passed on he left me his home in America. We moved there and that is where we started our family. Your mother never knew. I would find my comfort in other men when I could but I kept my secret well. Your mother never knew and I wish for her to remain in the dark.
I am ashamed that I reacted in the same way my father did and I want you to know how sorry I am. I hope it is not too late for you and your love. Your brother has been trying to convince me to let you come home, but I feel it is better for you to remain where you are for now. Money has become an unfortunate challenge here and I fear your story may make life more difficult for us within society. That is very selfish of me I know but I intend to bring you home as soon as it is rectified. Then we can revisit your feelings for this boy.
I must admit I did confide in your brother about all of this. He phoned me this morning, he caught me in a vulnerable moment. I was lost in the past. I opened up to him without thinking. I think you should speak to your brother more, he would understand you, the way he tried to understand me.
I hope you are well son.
Sincerely,
Your Father
I read the letter over and over. My tears fall on the paper, they are a cold reminder of what he did to me. I guess this can be considered my father's blessing? I can't believe this. My father is gay and James knows. I fold the letter and place it on my desk next to my computer. I need to tell David. I need to message him.
"Declan!" mother calls me. I put the letter in my drawer and sigh. I suppose I should go and see father first.
"I'm coming mother!" I get up and make my way downstairs. I put on my jacket and go outside. Mother and James are waiting for me in the car. I climb in the backseat. James looks around at me a question clearly shining in his eyes. I look away and choose to stare out of the window instead. My head is reeling, I don't know how I feel about any of this. All I know in my heart is that I love David and I will be speaking to him again...soon.
"Don't be too shocked Dex, father is on life support. He might not be able to respond to you but he can hear you, I believe he can. So if there is something you wish to say to him, do it today," James says. I nod but I don't reply.
"Don't trouble the boy James," mother says. I roll my eyes, I am done with her. I am done with this life.
We arrive at the hospital and I get out of the car first. I take a deep breath. I wait for them to get out and I follow them into the hospital. I hate hospitals, I think the smell is what gets to me most. I don't look around, I keep my eyes on the floor as I walk. I go into Intensive Care on my own. The nurse shows me to my father and I am overcome by the sight of him. He looks horrible, he is hooked up to machines that make horrible beeping noises. I am afraid that those noises will never leave me. He is being kept alive by these machines. He is unconscious but still breathing. I wonder if he can feel any pain. I place my hand on his, it is strange to realise that he won't open his eyes or respond at all to my touch. The curtains have been draw around us, at least I have some measure of privacy.
"Father? It's me Declan, I came home to see you. I just wish I could have spoken to you before it came to this. I must admit I am slightly jealous that James got to talk to you one last time," I say. I wipe away my tears.
"I got your letter father, I am not sure how I feel about the truth. In many ways I am very angry with you. If you knew first hand how it feels, why would you treat me in the same way your father treated you?" I ask. I look at his face. I keep catching myself wondering why he is not responding. Then I become conscious once more of the machines giving him life.
"I want you to know that I am going to be true to myself. I am going to contact David tonight father," I say. I lean down and brush his hair out of his face.
"I will give our love a chance," I say.
"Young man, your mother and brother wish to see him now," the nurse opens the curtain as she walks in.
"Alright, let me just say goodbye," I say. The nurse leaves me and my father alone.
"I have a feeling I will never get to see you again father. I may be angry but I do love you father and I regret not saying it more," I say. I stand up and lean down to kiss his head.
"Goodbye father," I say. I know I am crying, I am crying and everyone is staring at me. I walk out of Intensive Care. My mother tries to hug me but I pull away.
"I'm going to get something to drink," I say. Neither of them argue with me. I make my way to the cafeteria. I get myself a cup of tea and sit down.
My father is dying.
***
As soon as we get home I go up to my room. I haven't spoken a word to my mother or brother. The doctor did come to talk to us after we had seen my father. I switched off halfway through the conversation but I did hear them discussing switching off the life support. That decision is my mother's to make. I don't want to hear anymore about my father. She can switch the machines off if she wants to, I have washed my hands. I am done. I am overwhelmed by tiredness. I lay down, perhaps I can take a small nap, just a few minutes. I close my eyes and allow sleep to take me.
"Dex, you need to eat something," James wakes me up. I sit up and look at him.
"How long have been asleep for?" I ask.
"A few hours, it's just past ten now," he says.
"Thanks for letting me sleep," I say. He nods. It looks like he has been crying. I take his hand in mine.
"Has mother made her choice?" I ask.
"Yes, we go tomorrow to switch off the machines," he says.
"I'm not going, I've said my goodbye."
James doesn't try to argue. He just squeezes my hand.
"Come and eat something Dex," he says.
"I'm not hungry, I just want to be alone," I say. I am thankful that James allows me my space. He gets up and leaves me with my thoughts. I lay down again and as soon as my eyes close, I fall into a restless sleep again.
I wake up and stretch my aching body. Its is a sunny day today, but if I had to open the window an icy wind will strike me. I'm tempted to open the window to feel that chill. I need to be brought back to reality maybe that will help. The cruelness of nature. It kills everything that strived to live through the hot summer. Everything dies in winter, even my father. I run my hands through my hair and get up. I fell asleep in my clothes. I change into something more comfortable and bring my computer to my bed. Jessica jumps up and lays down next to me. She knows, she knows there is death in the air. She pushes her head against my leg and purrs. I am so lucky to have her. I open up Instawrite, I have a new message. I open it, my heart leaps. David has messaged me. This message is different though. He is ready to put us to rest if I don't reply. He sent it last night. I hope it isn't already too late. I immediately start typing a reply.
To: @david.C
From: @alwaysalone16
My love,
I can't believe I am typing this. I can't believe I have been given the chance to type this. Though this moment is bittersweet. The only reason I have this opportunity is because my father is in hospital. He had a huge stroke two days ago. He is on life support and they will be switching off the machines today. Today is the day my father dies.
I know you have been wondering what happened to me. I have been following your story online but have been unable to send you a message. The night I was supposed to run away, my parents found out. They took away my phone and my laptop before I could let you know. I hate to think of you, standing in that airport all alone. If I could I would have been there. My parents sent me to England to stay with a family I had never met before. I was being watched like a hawk and my phone and laptop was being monitored by them. It was the longest two months of my life. I arrived back home yesterday and I went to the hospital to say goodbye to my father. Is it horrible of me to say that a small part of me is relieved? Relieved that I will never have to fight with him again. I do love my father very much as hard as that may be to believe after all he has done to me. I found something out about my father Davy, he's gay. His father did to him what he did to me. That does make me angry but I also pity him. I have found an ally in my brother. He has pushed me to be who I am, and not to worry about my father's judgement anymore. I know my father loves me and he asked for my forgiveness in a letter he left me. I have not come to terms with everything just yet, but I think I will forgive him.
I'm not going with to the hospital when they do it.I don't want to see that Davy. I'm scared to see that.
I'm not sure what will happen now, I don't know where I will end up but I need you to know how much I still love you. How you have been the only thing I have been able to think of. I painted you, countless times. I had your face everywhere in my room. You were all I wanted to see when I first woke up and the last thing I wanted to see when I went to bed.
I miss you Davy.
I hope this reply reaches you in time. Please don't give up on us yet Davy.
I love you, I'm here waiting for you.
Forever Yours,
Declan.
I hit send and close my eyes. Please let him receive it in time. What if he tries to phone me... he doesn't have my new number. I quickly send a new message with my number. It would be wonderful to hear his voice again.