ERRORS AHEAD
Comments tnx.
#IARWDOE
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I don't understand why he suddenly stopped texting, I tried dialling his number again because I've started getting worried but he just won't pick it up.
But right now, it is different because my call just won't get through since yesterday. Did he change his number? Why didn't he tell me? Did he lose his phone?
I've refreshed my email to keep it updated just in case he emails me his number even if that's so far from happening but there's nothing here except school related stuff. Sighing, I relaxed my back against my seat. What's happening? Before I start thinking of more dangerous things that could have happened to him, I ran my way downstairs and towards his house.
"Eomoni!" I called his mother's attention right after I entered their house. I slightly bowed my head and greeted his father who is currently watching the television.
He smiled when he saw me, "Oh, Youngjin-ah. Have you eaten your dinner?"
"Yes! It's delicious as usual, Ahjussi." He dropped by the house a couple of hours ago and gave my family some galbi that Eomoni cooked with her own recipe. Kyungsoo got that from her, the love for cooking. I pointed the kitchen where I can hear Eomoni's voice, "Is Eomoni talking to someone?"
He nodded his head and changed the channel he's watching, "She's on the phone with Kyungsoo."
My brows furrowed in confusion, "Kyungsoo Oppa? Did he change his number again?" Because it'll be weird if he's calling his mother when I my calls couldn't get through since last night, right?
Ahjussi's forehead creased, "Youngjin, he didn't change his number. He always texts me everyday."
Everyday? I text him everytime I get a chance in every day so why isn't he replying for two weeks now and why can't I call him? I faked a smile and told him I'll go greet Eomoni in the kitchen. The wild thing inside my chest feels weak right now, it feels tired and bruised somehow even without anyone touching it.
Eomoni was sitting at the dinner table with her phone pressed against her ear, she's smiling brightly like how she usually does whenever she talks with either of her sons. I cleared my throat to ler her know that I'm around, she raised her head and smiled wider when she saw me. My hand motioned her to continue talking with Kyungsoo and not to mind me.
"Are you sleeping well these days? You sound more tired lately, Kyungsoo-ya."
I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I finally confirmed she was really talking to him. The list of questions inside my mind gets longer and longer as I stare at Eomoni who seems happy talking to him. Why are you doing this to me? I have so many things to tell you, why can't I suddenly reach you? What happened? Why did we go back to zero? What are those kisses for? Is the 'soon' you're talking about still coming? I was pulled out of trance when Eomoni said something that caught my attention, "Youngjin is here, talk to her and I'll just finish the dishes."
I immediately waved my hands to say no. I don't want to talk to him! Not right now when it's obvious how he's avoiding me! But Eomoni took my hand and gave me the phone, "Talk to him."
Ugh! I hate that they don't have any idea that we are not in good terms, that there is something wrong between us and especially in him! Eomoni, your son is hurting me!
I took a deep breath before I finally gathered all the courage left in me and said, "Hello?"
He hanged up right after that. Weakly, I placed Eomoni's phone on the table. "He's probably tired, Eomoni, because he ended the call." I have no clue who I'm convincing though, if it's his mother or me. My stomach is churning and I am so close to throwing up. I quickly excused myself and went back to our house, not minding Eomoni's questions if I'm feeling well.
I don't like this feeling at all. I don't like what's happening. I don't like the fact that after he gave me go signals he suddenly removes them and flashes big red signals, wanting me to stop. Tears are flooding in my eyes the moment I closed my bedroom's door, and I couldn't even rest in this room because he's everywhere!
Every corner. Every wall. Everything screams his name even my heart and this stupid mind. I want to hate him so bad but I can't still stop myself from being rational and defending him from my own thoughts.
"I-If you didn't like me, just say so!" I slowly reached to the first poster I touched and started removing them from the wall. "Asshole. Asshole. Asshole." I chanted inside my head, listing all the things he's doing right now to hurt me.
He freaking blocked my number and I don't understand why! Why can't he just tell it to my face.
I. Do. Not. Like. You. Ji. Young. Jin.
Was that hard to say? Was it hard to do? Is it easier to give me false hopes and leave me hanging instead? I want to stop loving him! I want to stop thinking about him! I want to stop hoping!
I'm so done. I'm so tired. I want to stop being played by him.
I WOKE up numb.
My eyes are swollen and my face is puffy. I fell asleep crying last night, and waking up in my room feels weird. Bad weird again. Looking at my bared walls, without his face pasted on every corner, it feels empty too. I planned not to go anywhere today because I'm feeling down but I remembered that today is EXO's performance in Show Champion.
I sent a text reminding Yan Unnie about it but she wasn't replying so I tried to give her a call to wake her up just in case she's still asleep, I dropped the call after a few rings and rose to my feet. I let out an exasperated sigh, "You have to live without him, Youngjin-ah."
I will still be EXO's fangirl even with what's happening. I will go there to watch the other boys. To support them as an EXO-L. Nothing else.
After taking a bath and putting on my clothes, I sat in front of my vanity table to put some make up so I can hide these swollen eyes and dark undereyes. Also, to give myself a pep talk. "You're going to see him there, and you're going to ignore his existence— EVEN IF IT'S HARD. Okay? Okay. You will not scream his name. You will not stare at him. He's ghosting you. He's stupid. Stop showing him affection."
It's hard to make myself hate him but I think I have the right to do that right now, with him treating me like this. I believe I'm in the perfect position to be mad. Before leaving the house, I almost picked up his nameboard! Luckily, I saw Chanyeol Oppa's next to his so I quickly grabbed it and ran outside.
I'll cheer for Chanyeol Oppa today, in behalf of Eunha Unnie.
Do Kyungsoo who?
I ROAMED my eyes around the area in search of Xu Yan Unnie, I'm standing outside the building waiting for her so we can enter together.
"Youngjin-ah!"
I turned my head again and saw Xu Yan walking towards me with a huge smile on her face. "Unnie!" She seems very much happy today, I made it a point to smile widely as well. To cover up what I'm feeling inside.
She gave me a light hug, "Why are you holding Chanyeol's nameboard?"
My eyes dropped to the nameboard that I was holding, "Nothing." Heol, Youngjin! Don't let her know that something is wrong! "I just remembered his best friend and decided to cheer him for her."
Sorry, Eunha Unnie. I might be using you as an excuse today.
I clung my arm to hers, "Kaja, Unnie." Let's get this done and over with.
My heart is beating against my chest upon entering the venue, everyone is chattering loudly that even when EXO isn't around yet, we're already noisy. We went to our designated area according to our queue number and waited until the members came out. Trying my best not to look at him, and stare at the other members instead was hard.
I can't say that I enjoyed the performance fully but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy too. I guess it was hard to watch it with a enjoyment when I'm not feeling well and the reason behind it is in front of me. They stayed on stage after the performance like previous performances, that's when I decided to look at him.
Seeing him standing there and looking well, I almost cursed out loud because of the unfairness of this situation. How can he live like he's not doing anything wrong? Two weeks. Two weeks and I'm already a wreck especially because of last night. Two weeks and he's still functional. My eyes swam with tears, I suddenly can't breathe as I watch him.
After all those years, he still hasn't seen me.
After all those years, I'm still no one but Ji Youngjin who bothers him a lot.
How long should I chase you, Oppa? Because I'm slowly getting tired. I'm an inch away from giving you up and trust me when I say there's no going back.
I've always believed that if I already did everything I can to achieve something and yet I still couldn't, it's time to leave it and aim for a different goal. Never limit oneself to one goal because some goals aren't meant for me.
I exhaled and watched them as they wave to us while they leave the stage. He didn't even notice I was here.
Xu Yan held my arm and guided me out of the venue, she was talking about something but I couldn't understand what she was saying. She even told me she needs to go already so I just waved goodbye to her because I couldn't pull myself together. I wanted to breakdown in the middle of this place and just cry my heart out because my throat feels suffocated and my eyes are heating up due to suppressed tears.
Weak, Ji Youngjin.
I took a deep breath, and shut my eyes for a moment before deciding to walk away but a hand refrained me from leaving, I turned around and saw the bouncer from last time. The one guarding the backstage. He quickly let go of my arm, "He wants you to see you backstage."
Ah, he knows I'm around. I clenched my jaw, "Why?" After not talking to me for two weeks? Why now? What does he still want?
"Please follow me." He turned his heel and went back inside the venue.
Even with confused thoughts, I still followed him. Not because I want to see him but because of I want closure.
I want him to give me what I want and what I deserve. An explanation and a statement that whatever happened is nothing. That I was just a hopeful fangirl who was delusional and thought I could be more than that.
My head was lowered down, afraid to see anyone and anyone to see me. I was walking with my hands clenched, taking deep breaths from time to time. The bodyguard stopped in front of one door, he stepped aside and opened it for me then motioning me to step inside, "He's inside."
I mumbled my thanks and entered the room. If Kyungsoo says something wrong, I'm going to hit his head with this Chanyeol's nameboard that I am holding. I almost gasped when I saw him. I love you but you're an asshole and I don't want an asshole, I thought.
Before I could even say something, he raised his head and met my gaze. Without even moving or saying, I can feel his authority over me. Two weeks, Youngjin. He tortured you emotionally for two weeks, stop falling for him.
He pulled something of out his wallet and showed it to me, "Amusement park with Ji Youngjin. Tonight."
I'm not in a merry-go-round but why is this the same cycle over and over again?