"So you boys didn't see anything? Nothing?"
We all collectively shake our heads no. The administrator sighs and stands up to look out the window.
Time has passed...I'm so unsure of how much. I haven't talked to anyone. Not even Takashi or Krolia. The feeling hasn't left yet and I feel incapable to even lift my pencil to do classwork. I can't wake up sometimes or sleep due to crazy thoughts in my head.
I know it's January fifteenth, 1974. The snow is still outside and it's more of a sheet of ice. The cold wind and snow remind me of that day. Ever since that day, I found myself smoking the cigarettes I bought daily. Ever since that day, I can't get the smell of gasoline out of my hands. Ever since that day, I can't rub off the guilt.
I burned down homes and ruined precious possessions. I ruined a family holiday because mine was falling apart. I ruined my friendships because I'm too stupid to comprehend other people's feelings. Now, it's all I think about. I'm always thinking about who's angry and where it's directed towards. Most of the time I assume it's me. It's hard convincing myself no one isn't mad at me.
Ever since that day, Lance calls and walk me to class, he shares a joke but I'm like a brick wall. I can't bring myself to laughing. I can't bring myself to feeling much anymore. I can't bring myself to even pick my head up and make eye contact. Lance notices and tries talking to me but it's all the same. Silence. He tells me he loves me and I want to do the same but the emotion isn't there. Nothing is there.
It's tiring. In the shower, when I'm sitting, trying to physically rub away the gross, guilt I feel inside, I cry. I cry because I want it all to be over. I'm so sick of being a terrible son, being a terrible adopted-son, being a terrible friend, a terrible ex-lover or lover or...something. I'm tired of knowing what I did and keeping that guilt and no one believes me.
"Alright, you boys may be dismissed." The administrator sighs, running his thick fingers through the little bit of hair he has left. We all stand and leave.
Lance stays by my side, talking to me and sharing a weird story. He laughs at it. He stares at me with his smile. He never changes, never. He's always happy. Really, he hates himself. He feels worthless and I'm only contributing to it by not feeling anything.
"Keith, follow me." Lance takes my hand and drags me to what I thought was a janitor's closet or an empty classroom. In reality, he dragged me outside, down the steps and into the parking lot. The wind was cold and just reminds me more. I swallow away the pain.
"Keith I'm so...I'm so..." Lance begins, unsure how to continue. "I'm so...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I fucked up and I ruined everything. I was just...scared. He found it so important to come on Christmas Eve and talk to me about some dumb rumor. I was scared what he'll do to you." Lance takes my hand. His voice wasn't a whisper, it was loud. I look at our hands and I open my mouth and hesitate a little. "Keith I love you and I will scream it from the mountains if I have to. Just...talk to me. Say anything...you can say that you hate me or...or that I'm awful. Hearing your voice will just make everything so much better." He licks his lips, desperate. I look him in his eyes. They were glossy and pink, tears threatening to pour out. His hands were cold from anxiety.
I open my mouth to say something, but my throat stops me. I close my mouth and look away. I feel tears begin to pour out and I don't stop them. The feelings were back and they were those guilty ones again. I let out small sobs and Lance pulls me close, not caring who knows or sees. I wish I were the same way.
Takashi and Krolia both grew concerned and took me to therapy. It was typical. It came out the way I thought it would. I tried to talk and when I did I tried to explain what I was feeling but I just broke down and cried. The doctor said I was dealing with major depression and maybe some anxieties. The doctor said to come in weekly and they'll help. For now, I should express the way I feel to people. How do I do that when I don't feel much at all?
I tried doing that, I actually talked a little, Lance is very happy about that. He loves whenever I can talk. It kind of brings back those happy feelings and comforting feelings. Deep inside I know they're not going to last so I cherish them. They're all I have.
January bleeds into February. It was all kind of a blur, I don't remember it too much besides one day. Valentine's day. I remember it being a Friday, warmer than it had been a few days ago. Lance had been bragging that he's got a big surprise for me for weeks now and I try guessing but Lance always shuts me down and says I'll have to see for myself on Valentines day. Being honest, this surprise or whatever is my only motivation to get up, along with seeing Lance be himself and attempting to make me happy unlike everyone else. They kind of sit and stare.
On that Friday afternoon, when Takashi finally dismisses us, Lance grabs my hand and runs out of the classroom. It took me by surprise and I didn't even have enough time to tell him to stop so I can go to my locker. He just drags me out of the school and into the parking lot. "I can't wait to show you this. It took me weeks to find this and I know you'll love it." Lance bounces as we walk to his car, a bright smile on his face.
"What if I don't?" I tease. I look towards Lance and he stops for a moment and frowns. He thinks.
"I guess I...um..." He begins but doesn't know how to finish. I chuckle softly and look down at our feet.
"I'm joking."
"Oh good." I could tell Lance was smiling again just by his tone.
Lance unlocks the car and pushes me out of the way so he can open the door for me. He smiles brightly towards me and I let out a bashful breath. "You're weird," I comment before going into the car. Lance shuts the door and rushes to the driver's side.
"You're weirder," Lance mutters as he steps inside. He shuts the door and starts his car.
The drive to his house was comfortable and warm. Soft music plays from his radio, sometimes cutting out and making Lance irritated. I just watch him fumble with the radio as he tries to concentrate on the road. It was entertaining but at the same time kind of dangerous, Lance almost crashed three times.
When we arrive at Lance's house, no one was home. Lance rushes me towards his room and up the stairs. Once we were in the hallway, he covers my eyes with his hands. I rest my hands on his and frown. "What are you doing?" I ask.
"I don't want you to see it yet," Lance replies.
We slowly walk down the hall, I tried feeling my way around but quickly found it pointless as we were clearly going towards his room. He opens the door and we walk inside. "Close your eyes," He says to me and I comply.
"Is it a dog?" I ask softly. Lance laughs.
"No. Maybe next year if you wish hard enough." Lance replies as he shuts the door. He rushes past me and I could hear things ruffling in front of me.
"Is it alive?" I jump, almost opening my eyes.
"Um, depends on your view of things I guess. Just don't open your eyes!" He moves a few things around before rushing behind me.
"Can I look yet?" I ask, almost opening my eyes.
"Sure."
I open my eyes and I stood, stunned for a moment. A teddy bear sat in the middle of the room, it was around six foot and four inches, almost touching the ceiling. It's fur matched Lance's hair and it held a large, red, heart with my name on it. Despite it being written in marker, it still meant a lot. In the lap of the bear were red roses and multiple boxes of chocolate.
I turn towards Lance with my jaw dropped and my eyes wide. "Where- how- I don't..." I was speechless. I couldn't find the right thing to say. Lance just leans in and kisses my cheek.
"I found it somewhere down South with a bunch of red necks and hillbillies." Lance chuckles softly.
"I...I love it." I glance at it one more time before looking at Lance. The way Lance looked at me made my heart flutter all over again. His eyes were so focused on me and the way he bit his lip but not with sexual intention, more of just love. It gave me those feelings I never used to like but now yearn for.
"I'm glad you do." Lance lets out a breathy chuckle and licks his lips. I could feel his heart racing against my palm.
"Lance," I look down at our shoes. "I'm sorry," I mutter out softly.
"Sorry? Sorry for what?" Lance's lips form a frown.
"I just haven't been the best and I ruined everything." I rest my face into his chest. Normally talking about this, I would feel the burning behind my eyes or my breathing stop, but not this time. I was so used to this.
"It's fine, Keith. You don't need to keep apologizing. I understand." Lance ruffles my hair before moving his hand down to my waist. He pulls me closer.
"I just feel terrible," I mutter into his chest.
"It's fine Keith." Lance plants a kiss on the top of my head.
I let go of him and I look up at him. He looks back at me and smiles. He kisses my cheek before walking towards the teddy bear. I follow behind him, watching him pick up the roses and hand them to me. I gladly take them and feel the smooth petals between my fingers. The smell found their way into my lungs and I smile. "You're so sweet," I mutter.
"Not as sweet as you, and I'd know." Lance winks before sitting down on the floor. I kick him softly in the thigh and he laughs. I take a seat in front of him, leaning against the giant bear.
"I can't believe you actually found this, though." I feel the fur as I speak.
"Pidge, Hunk and I spent so much time...weeks...trying to find this and I'm glad we did. It was kind of hard to bring it in the house too. My mom thought I was crazy for buying it." Lance chuckles at the memory.
"Does she know?" I ask, sitting up a bit. Lance shakes his head no. I sigh and lean back. I place the roses next to me against the bear's right leg.
"Here, try some of the chocolate." Lance goes and picks up one of the heart-shaped boxes. He opens them up and grabs out a piece of chocolate. "Open your mouth." He says and I comply. He places the chocolate on my tongue before retreating his hand.
I eat the chocolate, the sweetness bursting in my mouth. "It's sweet," I comment. He smiles and pops one in his mouth as well.
"Not as sweet as you." Lance pokes my nose and I blush softly.
"You suck." I roll my eyes.
"Oh, I suck alright." Lance props himself on his knees and crawls in between my legs. I feel my face heat up and I rest my hands on his chest, pushing softly.
"You're so weird!" I laugh and push him softly.
"Shut up you like it." He leans in and pecks my lips.
"Says who?" I furrow my eyebrows and huff.
"Says me." He leans in and kisses me again. "I'm your boyfriend. I know what you like and don't like." He moves one hand to my thigh and he bites his lip. I feel my face heat up and I slouch down more.
Lance hovers over me and laughs at my tomato red face. "Shut up." I aggressively" bark. He just finishes laughing and leans in for another kiss, this time it was lingering.
"Make me." He smiles at me and I grab his shirt, pulling him into an agressive kiss.
This was the first time I've felt something in so long, I wanted to feel again. At the same time I was scared that I the feelings of guilt would come back.