MAJOR MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR 15X18 'DESPAIR'
DO NOT PROCEED PAST THIS POINT IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE EPISODE IN ITS ENTIRETY.
I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR EARTH SHATTERING SPOILERS YOU MAY RECEIVE.
OKAY NOW WE CAN CONTINUE TO OUR REGULAR GAILY-SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING.
"I love you... Goodbye Dean."
"I love you... Goodbye Dean."
"I love you... Goodbye Dean."
I didn't say it back.
Dean stood in the hallway of the bunker, the weight of realization finally crashing down on him as Cas's final words echoed in his head. It had taken him ages to finally crawl up off the dungeon's floor, to dry his eyes and avoid looking at the bloody handprint on his shoulder, the reminder of a scar left so long ago.
But he had gotten up. He had yelled at his legs to move, to carry him out of that room, out into the hallway, away, away from where it had all gone down.
Away from where Cas, tears in his eyes and smiling, had died.
But it was only now, in an empty hallway, that Dean realized that he hadn't said it back.
"I love you... Goodbye Dean."
He hadn't told Cas he loved him. He hadn't said goodbye. He hadn't said anything.
In the moment he hadn't known what he wanted to say. What was there? Cas, even as an angel, had always been better at words than he was. It was like him to give a great big beautiful speech that Dean had no clue how to respond to.
But he wanted to. He wanted to say it all. He wanted to tell Cas that he wasn't the only one who changed, that Cas had changed him too, Cas had made him care, Cas had made him discover and admit to things he had pushed away for so long.
Cas was always there for him, and he hadn't been around long enough for Dean to tell him how much that meant.
There just hadn't been time. Dean knew that was a lousy fucking excuse, but there hadn't. By the time Cas's words hit his brain, Billie and the Empty were there and it was all over. It had been too fast, just-
Just too fast.
Dean's phone continued to ring in his pocket, Sam calling every minute. Something must have gone wrong. Dean knew he should answer. He should pick up the phone, take care of Sam and Jack, solve the problem, and tell them to come home; but he couldn't.
He just didn't have it in him to face Sam right now. To tell him and Jack what had happened.
What was he supposed to tell them anyways? That Cas sacrificed himself? That Cas had been in love with him, apparently for years, and Dean had been too slow and stupid to blurt out "I LOVE YOU TOO," before the Empty took him forever?
What were they going to think?
What was SAM going to think?
So Dean did nothing. He gave in, just for a little while, collapsing in the hallway, sobbing against a wall for the second time that day. He just couldn't do it.
Not right now.
Sam and Jack returned a few hours later, panicked until they located Dean, and then panicked twice as much.
"What the hell, Dean, what happened?" Sam demanded, scanning his brother for something, anything. The dungeon door was torn to shreds, there were scratches on the walls where Billie's scythe had been, there was no sign of Cas or Billie anywhere and Dean-
Dean was on the floor with red eyes and a bloody handprint on his shoulder, looking more devastated than Sam had seen him since Mary's death.
Dean couldn't even bring himself to say the name.
"He went to the Empty, didn't he?" Jack finally asked, it all clicking in place. Dean nodded. He didn't know how Jack knew anything about this, but right now he didn't care.
All he could see was Cas crying as he smiled at him.
All he could hear were those same damn words that would haunt him forever.
"I love you... Goodbye Dean."
And he hadn't said it back.
He pieced together the story- well, most of it- to Sam and Jack eventually, but he left out everything Cas had said. He was barely handling it himself, Sam and Jack didn't need to deal with his emotional drama right now too.
But with Death and the Empty out of the picture for now, Sam said they should focus on Chuck. He and Jack were grieving as well, but Sam out of all of them understood. Cas had sacrificed himself so that they could focus on one bad guy instead of two or three. They had to honor his sacrifice as much as they could and use it to their advantage.
But Dean couldn't do that. He needed Cas back, just for a moment, just so he could say it. He needed Cas to know. He HAD TO.
"What I want....it's something I know I can never have."
But he was wrong! Dean knew that. Cas could have him, he'd had him for years. He was Cas's and Cas was his, and the angel had died thinking his love was unrequited and Dean could not let that happen.
So while Sam and Jack talked strategy for Chuck, Dean dove into research for Cas. But he had searched before, when Cas had died before, and there had been nothing.
Too bad. Dean would find something, even if he had to kill himself to do it. He had to tell him. He HAD TO.
Sam and Jack found him one night- they had caught a potential lead on something with Chuck and were determined to run with it, but Dean wasn't budging. He needed Cas back first. They needed Cas. How could he ever fight Chuck without Cas?
"Dean, there's nothing we can do-" Sam said gently. "We tried finding-"
"There's something," Dean insisted. "There's ALWAYS something and I have to find it, I-"
"What about Chuck? Dean, you were the one that said we had to kill him-"
"Screw Chuck! We need Cas back first!"
"If we don't kill Chuck, there won't be anything for Cas to come back to-"
"He comes first, Sam! I don't care about Chuck! We need to get Cas back-"
"Why do we need to get Cas back before the rest of the world-"
"BECAUSE I NEVER TOLD HIM-" Dean stopped, Sam and Jack staring at him.
"You never told him what?" Jack asked. "...What did Cas say to you?" Sam stepped back, his eyes lighting up with realization.
"You never told him you loved him," He said quietly. Dean looked at him, utterly miserable, and unable to deny it.
"He told me he loved me, and then he died before I got the chance," Dean explained."...How'd you know?"
"I should've seen it earlier," Sam admitted. "I know that look. I know... I know this, Dean. I've lost so many without getting the chance to tell them... I didn't tell Eileen. I didn't tell Jess-" He voice broke and Sam shook his head. "But you can't focus on getting them back if they'll only come back to a dangerous world. We have to kill Chuck, Dean. Kill him for Cas, so that Cas has something to come back to, so that he'll be safe."
"But all I can see is his face, Sam, all I see is him dying over and over again and I can't-"
"I know. I know it hurts, it's horrible, it feels like...Like the whole world no longer matters, but you just have to do it."
"Aren't you the one always telling me to stop bottling up my feelings?"
"It's not about bottling them up, Dean, it's about taking that pain and using it to kill everyone that caused this." Sam declared. "And then, when Chuck is dead, you can fall apart until we get him back."
"We will get him back," Jack agreed. "We have to."
"We have to," Dean echoed.
I have to tell him.
"I love you... Goodbye Dean."
I love you too, Cas.