:)
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July 27th, 2017
"Hi. You- you look..."
Lauren raises her eyebrows as Camila trails off, staring at her with chocolate brown eyes wide. "I hope that sentence ends with a positive adjective."
"Isn't you- you being so pretty you make me speechless a good thing?" Camila questions, before she meets Lauren's gaze with a small smile. "It means you completely... make me malfunction."
"I mean, it goes both ways," Lauren shrugs, sending Camila a teasing grin, "I could be so ugly that I make you speechless."
Camila snorts. "Like Lauren Jauregui and ugly could ever be in the same sentence and not be a joke or a lie."
Lauren's insides squirm, and she wants to say the words, but she isn't sure if she should. She knows Camila is still Camila, she just doesn't remember, but she doesn't want to say it to her while she thinks she's some other version of her. Camila had been so quick to find all of her faults, and Lauren isn't sure she'd a hundred percent forgiven her before she'd forgotten, or even accepted that Lauren had been Lauren the whole time. If she remembers after Lauren says the words, and she's still in that mindset, she'll probably think Lauren had fallen in love with some other version of her, and be angry.
Then again, she could have understood. She could have realised that Lauren had been Lauren the whole time, and Lauren is just being an idiot by keeping the words in. And maybe it's being honest with Camila that would finally make her remember. Lauren had been honest with Lucy, and Lucy had remembered everything. Maybe if Lauren tells Camila how she really feels, it would be enough to make Camila remember who she really is. After all, that's what Camila had always wanted from her. Honesty and communication.
She mulls it over in her head, but ultimately decides to push that away for now. When the time feels right, Lauren will tell her.
"So, where are we headed?" Lauren questions, ignoring the way her stomach flips when she takes Camila's hand. "What's the big plan?"
Camila smiles, "I booked us a table at your favourite restaurant. The Cuban one. And I don't want you to bring your bank card or any money. I'm treating you."
Lauren raises her eyebrows. "Dipping into your college fund?"
"I won't tell if you don't," Camila says, and for a moment, Lauren sees her, the real Camila shining through it all. "Seriously, uh, don't tell. My dad- he'd probably kill me."
"Your secret is safe with me, babe," Lauren assures her, holding out her hand. "Alright. Let's go."
Lauren lets Camila lead her out to the car, and hesitates, watching as her girlfriend darts to open the passenger side door. She smiles to herself, loving the chivalry, and sits down in the passenger seat, buckling herself up. Camila collapses into the driver's seat and turns the key in the ignition.
"I had to beg my mom to let me use the car," Camila admits to her, "my parents are always so protective over the car. It's like they think I'm going to crash it!"
Silently, Lauren admits to herself that she'd feel much safer with herself behind the wheel, rather than Camila, but that's just because she knows that Camila is clumsy on foot, let alone behind the wheel of a big mechanical vehicle that can go fast as hell and is easily the most dangerous mode of transport.
Instead, Lauren just smiles and says, "well, it wouldn't matter. I could've driven us."
"I'm treating you tonight." Camila tells her. "So that means no strenuous activity."
Lauren waits for the dirty joke at the end of that, but when it doesn't come, she smirks and says it herself, "at least not until after dinner."
Camila's cheeks turn red, and Lauren cackles a little evilly at the reaction. "Shut up."
Lauren smirks to herself. She's not denying it. In a way, it makes her excited, and not just because Camila is comfortable enough to be intimate with her. Being that close to each other could jog Camila's memory, and Lauren is almost certain they're close to doing it. She's seen some flashes of recognition in Camila's eyes, but she hadn't seemed to remember anything that sticks in her mind.
"Well, whatever, tonight isn't really about that," Lauren finally says, "it's about us. Having a good time together."
Camila smiles. "Yeah. It is. So, um... are you... I don't know..."
Lauren laughs. "Can't decide what to talk about?"
"Yeah," Camila laughs a little, "I know you're excited about college, and I want to hear you talk about something that makes you happy."
Lauren's eyebrows dip into a frown. "I thought it makes you upset. You know, since we'll be apart for a little while."
"Yeah, but..." Camila bites down on her bottom lip. "I trust you. I really trust you, Lo. I know that you're not- you won't just leave for college and dump me for someone better."
Lauren's heart soars. "Good. I'm so glad to hear that, babe."
"Yeah, well..." Camila blushes to herself, like she'd had some unsavoury thoughts, "you mean a lot to me... babygirl."
Lauren's stomach twists and turns in around a million different directions, and she doesn't think she'll ever get over hearing Camila calling her that. And, on the plus side, it reminds her of her Camila. The person Camila really is. She hopes this new found confidence and trust is the real Camila shining through.
Lauren grabs the aux cord and scrolls through her phone to find some music. Her finger hovers over Exes and Ohs, and while she knows it's not the cover that they did, it might jog some memories. She plays it, and relaxes in her seat when Camila eyes the stereo before looking back at the road.
When Lauren examines her, she finds Camila is frowning, so she casually asks, "don't you like this song?"
Camila shrugs. "I just... I don't know it. But I feel like... I feel like I do?"
Lauren raises her eyebrows. "What, like you've never heard it?"
"That's exactly what it is. I've never heard it, but I feel like I know it." Camila mumbles. "It's like... it's going to sound insane, but sometimes I feel like I know people, you know? I was listening to Taylor Swift, and suddenly I had this weird like... memory almost, of hanging out with her. I mean, it was obviously just my imagination, but still, it was weirdly vivid."
A smile settles on Lauren's face before she can stop it. That's a good sign. "Really?"
"Yeah." Camila says, glancing over at her as she parks in front of the restaurant. "What? Why are you smiling? You don't think I'm crazy, do you?"
"No, I don't think you're crazy," Lauren assures her, "I think you're cute."
"Okay, cool." Camila visibly relaxes, and she pulls the keys from the ignition, taking her seatbelt off. She sends Lauren a stern look and says, "Wait there," before she gets out of the car and practically sprints across to the passenger side, just in case Lauren had decided to ignore her.
Lauren just chuckles to herself and unbuckles her seatbelt, sending her girlfriend an appreciative smile as she opens the car door for her. Camila offers her hand, and Lauren smiles, taking it with hers and threading their fingers together.
She's always noticed the way Camila's hand fits perfectly in hers, like they were moulded to hold each other. The first time she'd really dwelled on it was at the end of a show; she'd happened to be standing next to Camila, and when they all joined hands to take a bow before leaving the stage, Lauren hadn't had time to switch her microphone to the hand that Camila would've taken. The younger girl had glanced at her, before taking her hand in hers as they took their bow.
Lauren had kept her phone switched off, terrified of the comments she'd see on Twitter, but the thing that was really scaring her was how she couldn't stop thinking about the way Camila's hand felt in hers.
"After you, baby," Camila says, holding the door open for her, and Lauren pushes the thoughts she was having aside. It doesn't matter how nervous or scared she was in the past; she's being brave now, and that's what counts.
Lauren walks into the restaurant, Camila following her, quickly taking her hand again after waiting to hold the door open for an old couple. Lauren addresses the hostess. "Um, hi, we have a table for two booked under Cabello?"
As Camila rejoins her, the hostess smiles, and leads them to their table, telling them their waiter will be with them shortly. Camila is quick to pull out Lauren's chair for her, and the older girl laughs.
As she sits down on her own chair, Camila pouts. "Why are you laughing at me?"
"You're just... you're really going all out, huh?" Lauren smiles across the table at her. When Camila doesn't look comforted, she reaches over and puts a hand on top of Camila's, giving it a soft squeeze. "I think it's really sweet, Camz. I just really..."
Lauren stops herself before the words spill out, but by the way Camila's eyes shine with hope, Lauren wonders if it'd really be such a bad idea to tell her.
-
"Well," Camila plays with her fingers and looks over at Lauren, and Lauren can practically feel the nervousness radiating off of her. "I- um, would you... like to come in?"
Lauren smiles a little. "If I didn't, would I have suggested just coming straight here? I would've wanted to go home."
"Yes," Camila nervously agrees, not meeting Lauren's gaze. "So... yeah. Let's... go inside."
Camila fumbles with her keys, dropping them before she can push them into the lock. Lauren smiles fondly, leaning down and grabbing them, and unlocking the door for her. Camila mumbles her thanks, and Lauren takes her hand, shutting the front door once they've passed through.
Camila locks it, hands shaking, and Lauren stops her before she goes to pull her upstairs. She takes Camila's hands with both of hers, and even though her girlfriend is avoiding eye contact, she shifts so she's looking into the chocolate brown eyes of the woman she loves. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to, Camz. Just because you consented initially, it doesn't mean you can't back out. We can always go upstairs and cuddle and watch some dumb YouTube videos."
"No," Camila answers quickly, finally looking back at Lauren, "I- I want this. I'm just... nervous."
Lauren smiles. "There's no need to be nervous. It's just me."
"You're not just anything," Camila stares at her, shaking her head. Her eyes rake over Lauren's body, and the older Latina finds herself a little nervous under Camila's gaze. "You're... you're perfection."
Lauren's stomach flips, and she smiles, walking up the stairs hand in hand with her girlfriend. She knows that Camila will be nervous; after all, she has this Camila's memories right now, and if she thinks about it, technically this Camila had never been with anybody. Not even Lauren.
The thought makes Lauren nervous all of a sudden; there's this pressure to make it special for Camila, but she ignores it, because she knows she'd make it special anyway. Camila is Camila, no matter if she remembers or if she doesn't; it doesn't make Lauren love her any less.
She smiles, and shuts Camila's bedroom door behind them, quickly turning the lock. Looking over at her girlfriend, she smiles, and moves over to the bed, kissing her softly. Camila's hands hesitate for a moment, before she rests them on Lauren's waist and deepens the kiss, leaving Lauren's stomach fluttering. It doesn't surprise her; with Camila, the smallest of gestures had always make her feel fireworks.
"Can I- um..." Camila's fingers play with the zipper on the back of Lauren's dress. "Is it okay if I take your dress off?"
"Of course," Lauren assures her, and once Camila unzips it, she shuffles out of it, standing up and letting it drop to the floor. The first thing she hears is Camila's small gasp of oh my god, and she looks up to see her girlfriend staring at her in complete awe.
Lauren opens her mouth, to make a joke, to tease her, to show her that this isn't completely serious, but Camila beats her to it. The younger girl is looking at her like she's some kind of natural wonder, and Lauren sees so much emotion in her eyes that for a moment, her heart leaps, thinking what if she's remembered everything?
Camila studies her, in silent awe, and murmurs, "you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."
Lauren's heart races at the words, and she pulls Camila in for another kiss. "Thank you, Camz. You mean so much to me."
Camila's fingers trace Lauren's jawline, before her hand rests on her shoulder, and Lauren feels the tension behind her kiss. She knows what Camila wants, and between kisses, she mumbles, "you can touch me, Camz. You can do whatever you want to me."
Camila mumbles something against her lips, but Lauren doesn't quite catch it, because she's far too focused on the way the younger Latina traces her hand down Lauren's collarbone and squeezes her breast, thumb gently running over the sensitive peak. Lauren lets out a gasp, and Camila uses that opportunity to slip her tongue into Lauren's mouth, teeth grazing her bottom lip.
Lauren reaches behind her girlfriend, playing with the zipper on Camila's dress. "Can I...?"
"Yeah," Camila mumbles against her lips, "yeah, Laur..."
Lauren's stomach flips, and she unzips Camila's dress, helping her girlfriend out of it and tossing it over to Camila's desk chair. She takes in every inch of Camila, and she finds it so hard to believe how someone so beautiful exists.
She can't believe she's ever run from this.
Lauren breathes out as Camila kisses her, and she lets her girlfriend push her back against the pillows. She feels her girl's lips against her neck, and she can tell that Camila is unsure, and tangles her fingers in her girlfriend's soft hair. When Camila sucks on her pulse point, Lauren whimpers, and Camila chuckles lightly.
"You like this?" She asks, and Lauren nods. Camila smiles. "Good. I want to- to make this special for you. I just need you to know how much I care about you..."
Lauren looks up at her girlfriend and murmurs, "it's already special. I'm with you."
Camila meets her gaze, and Lauren sees so much emotion in her eyes that she wonders if she's really seeing her. But Camila smiles and pulls her in for a gentle kiss, before she kisses down Lauren's collarbone, leaving her mark there too. Lauren gasps at the feel of her girlfriend's lips against her skin, and she feels Camila smiling against her body as her girlfriend kisses down to her tummy.
"I really think you're so fucking beautiful, Lauren," Camila mumbles, "and I don't understand what a goddess like you sees in me. But I'm not complaining about it."
"You're my soulmate, Camz," Lauren mumbles, cutting herself off with a small whimper when Camila's leg presses in just the right place. "God. You're so..."
Camila's fingers trace across Lauren's pale skin, and her hand plays with the waistband of Lauren's panties. She hesitates again, and Lauren knows she's nervous.
Lauren sends her what she hopes is a comforting look, and takes Camila's hand, squeezing it. "If you aren't comfortable..."
"No," Camila shakes her head, sending her a small smile. "I... I want to be intimate with you..."
Lauren nods, and opens her mouth, just to double check, but Camila kisses her inner thighs and Lauren cuts herself off with a gasp. The younger Latina pulls Lauren's panties down and tosses them across the room, before she kisses up Lauren's inner thighs, and Lauren can feel her breath against her centre. She whimpers, and Camila seems to understand what she wants, as she smiles and mumbles, "I can't wait to make you feel good."
Lauren whines when Camila kisses her entrance, and her fingers tangle in her girlfriend's hair. She wants to push her down, desperate to feel her girlfriend's mouth on her, and Camila just chuckles lightly and kisses her clit. The lack of teasing is surprising to Lauren, but she doesn't dwell on it, because she's far too focused on what Camila's tongue is doing.
"Fuck, Camz, you're-" she cuts herself off with another whine when Camila's tongue traces circles against her clit, and when she opens her mouth again to beg her girl to go faster, all that comes out is a moan of ecstasy.
Camila's hands grab her ass and squeeze it, and Lauren moans again, pushing her girlfriend's head down and not caring if she seems too eager. Camila seems to get the message, because she licks Lauren's clit faster, and Lauren knows she's already so close. It's crazy to her, the effect that Camila has on her.
She gasps when her girl's hand squeezes her ass again, and she opens her mouth to tell Camila how close she is, but she falls apart before she can. She moans at the feeling of pure bliss, the only thing running through her mind being Camila, and how much she fucking loves her.
"Babe," Lauren finally gets out as she comes down from her high. "You're so- I..."
Camila looks at her shyly. "Was that good for you?"
"It was perfect," Lauren mumbles, "you... you make me feel so..."
As she trails off, Lauren looks over at Camila, the way her hair is ruffled after the intimate moment they'd shared, the way her cheeks are flushed red, the gentle curves of her breasts and the smooth tan skin, and she can't understand how one human could be so beautiful. She also can't understand why she hasn't told her how beautiful she truly is in Lauren's eyes. So, on a fuck it decision, Lauren opens her mouth to tell her the truth.
"Look, you're not going to understand any of this," Lauren prefaces, "you're going to think I'm fucking crazy. But you know what? This is how I feel and it's about time I'm finally fucking honest about it."
Camila stares at her in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm in love with you, Karla Camila Cabello Estrabao." Lauren says, and for the first time in her life, she doesn't care who hears it. "And you know what? I think I've always been in love with you. I've loved you since the day we met. The day you walked up to me, telling me you liked my shirt. Even if I didn't know it, my soul did. It knew you were meant for me. And I know I did some fucked up things, but it was because I loved you, and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to deal with the idea of loving a woman."
"We've been through hell and back together. We've been through management tearing us apart, the fans breathing down the back of our necks, the fights, the stolen kisses," Lauren lists, staring into her girl's chocolate brown eyes. "Hell, we've been through all of this. But I'll be damned if I ever stopped loving you through all of it. I know you're the person I'm supposed to end up with. The person, the version of you that's trapped somewhere inside, I know that she's the one I need to be with. She's always been the one I need to be with. But that's still you. And even if you never remember, I don't care. I'll stand by you regardless, because I love you."
"I love you, and I promise you, Camz, the second we get back to where we're supposed to be, I'm going to stand on top of the Empire State Building and scream it as loud as I can." Lauren swears to her. "I don't care who knows. I'll post a million tweets about how I love you, how I've always loved you, because I don't care who knows it. As long as you know it."
Camila stares at her, brown eyes baring into green, before she pulls Lauren close. For a moment, Lauren is stunned, surprised that she's not getting a wow, you're crazy talk right about now. But then Camila pulls away from her, and Lauren really looks at her, and she realises.
"You... you did it," Camila whispers out, staring at Lauren with tears in her eyes. "Oh my god. Lauren... I remember. I remember everything."
Lauren chokes on a sob, holding Camila close to her, relief washing over every single cell in her body. "Oh my god, Camz. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you."
Camila sucks in a breath, pulling away from her with wide eyes. "You've always been here. You've always been her."
Lauren stares at her. "Camz..."
"You've always been her. Everything she did, this other you did... it was because of you. It was because you were in there. You were loving me." Camila says, and Lauren doesn't know where this is going, she's just relieved that Camila finally believes her. "Everything I thought this Lauren was... you had all of that inside you. You're kind and patient and brave. I was ignoring all of her flaws and projecting them onto you because I was so angry. I felt like I could never have you, not the real you, so I tried to hate you. Oh my god, I tried so fucking hard."
"But it never worked. Of course it didn't." Camila breathes out, shaking her head. "I never thought I'd get to be with you. But I was always with you. You were her. But you've always been her. Even back in our X Factor days. That's always been you. You've always been kind and patient and caring and brave in your own way. And that's why... that's why I love you too, Lauren. That's why you're mine."
Lauren's heart feels like it's about to burst. Camila loves her too. Camila really loves her. She looks at her girlfriend with tears in her eyes, and pulls her in for a passionate kiss. She knows she's never felt this happy.
"You're mine, Lauren," Camila mumbles when she pulls away from her, "you're my soulmate."
"Oh my god, Camz," Lauren mumbles, snuggling her face into Camila's shoulder, "I love you. I've never not loved you. You're- you're just... my everything."
"I know, babygirl," Camila kisses the top of her head, strong arms wrapped around Lauren. "I feel exactly the same way."
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this is late bc i got distracted with decorating the tree and watching i'm a celebrity and if you're watching and not rooting for harry redknapp or emily atack then idk what to say to you really
anyway there's only like 7 chapters left and i haven't written most of them we'll see how long these weekly updates last hahaha