Eva
My head was spinning as I opened my eyes.
The light coming from outside burned my orbs. The chattering coming from within the Estate was blocked out by my tiredness. Ever since I had arrived back at the Estate — which was almost two weeks — I had spent most of my days in my bedroom except from the usual time I cared for Arianna and Giovanni with Leah.
My purpose was gone in my eyes.
Alessandro was no longer around and I could feel myself withering away with every day that passed by. My strength was slowly weakening without his presence.
I'd been frozen in time completely. It was almost as if the days just passed me by — some painfully slow and others as if they were never there in the first place.
I'd sobbed for hours; my tears wouldn't come anymore. I'd wasted my time inside my bedroom — the bedroom I shared with him — his scent remaining on the bedsheets. Each night I slept, I pretended he was laying next to me.
Cried myself to sleep when the realisation slapped me over and over again, that I was alone.
The image of his face kept surfacing in my head.
Come back to me.
Don't go.
Come back to me.
Don't go.
I wanted to scream for him but I knew that I was screaming for nothing. Into an empty void that would only shatter my heart even more. As I turned over in the large bed — I looked up at the ceiling and thought about my life from that moment on. The plans that would be wasted; the people that would mean nothing compared to Alessandro; the places that I'll turn away from simply because I can't travel with my love.
My life was just an empty space of shattered pieces.
No meaning or purpose. No path or happy destination. I was just waiting until the day that I finally took my last breath...
"Eva?"
A small voice echoed into the bedroom and I immediately sat up and looked towards the frame of the door.
Arianna stood there with an innocent look on her face. My heart throbbed at the sight of her. "Hey baby," I croaked with my arms reaching out for her.
She walked over and climbed into the bed with me, snuggling into my chest as I lifted the covers over our bodies. For a few moments — we just lay there in silence. Her tiny body moulded against mine and our heavy breathing mixed together.
"You weren't at breakfast again today." Arianna spoke with a questioning tone.
We hadn't properly told her that Alessandro was never coming back. Even the thought of breaking her heart made my own want to explode with emotion. My sweet angel didn't deserve to feel the pain and agony that I felt when I lost my mother. I wanted to prolong her innocence for as long as possible.
"I'm still not feeling very well," I told her with my lips pressed against her head.
Her face moved into sight as her head tilted upwards to meet my eyes. "It's been almost two weeks that you've been sick. Shouldn't you see a doctor?"
I shook my head. "I'll be okay."
Arianna still held the concerned look on her face. Her body shuffled from my hold and swerved until she was facing me — sat on the covers with her hands bundled on her lap. "Daddy would make you feel better if he was here."
My whole body tensed up. Emotion pulsed through my veins and I coughed back unshed tears that I didn't allow to roll down my cheeks. Not infront of Arianna. Her head tilted to the side and her finger wiggled near my face. "Your bruises have nearly gone. Does your face still hurt?"
My fingers moved towards my face and I placed my two hands on my cheeks. "Not really."
Arianna propped herself on her knees and placed light kisses over where my bruises were. The gesture made the most genuine smile I had possessed since coming back, blossom on my face.
"Thank you, sweetheart," I giggled as I watched her sit back in her original position.
"You're welcome."
I locked my hands around her body and looked at her. "Where's Gio?"
"He's playing with his Mummy in his bedroom. I decided to come and see you instead of playing with them."
"Oh, baby-"
"No!" Arianna squealed, interrupting me before I could finish my protest. "I really, really wanted to come and see you. I didn't want to play the game they were playing.... it looked boring."
I tilted my head to the side and kissed her cheek lightly. "As long as you're comfortable."
"I'm always comfortable with you," Arianna spoke with such love in her tone that my heart began to repair itself.
As I looked at her chocolate-brown eyes gazing at me — filled with adoration — I wondered whether my life did have a purpose.
Perhaps my purpose was her.
To care for her and love her forever. I'd never let her down and I'd always stay by her side. Though I had lost Alessandro and my heart was still shaken — my life could still journey on except with Arianna by my side.
Like my own daughter.
Arianna didn't deserve the agony I went through. She deserved to have people around her that adored her every single day of her life. And I was determined to be that person that she could always trust.
"Ari?"
Her lips pressed together and she hummed.
"Do you know how much I love you?"
Her mouth tilted up in a small smile. "A lot?"
"More than any amount you could ever think of," I replied with a genuine smile. Arianna gazed into my eyes and nodded slowly.
"If Daddy ever left — which I'm not saying he will leave, but if the time ever came that you didn't have him around as much... you'd always have me. You know that, right?"
Arianna was confused. I sensed her confusion in the way she furrowed her eyebrows and nodded, unsure of what I had said. "Of course."
My unshed tears were battling to be unleashed but I held them back tightly. I couldn't allow myself to weaken infront of Arianna. I had to prove that I'd always be her strength...
I pulled her close again and held her body against my chest, kissing her head and feeling my eyes water.
My angel. I never thought I'd love her this much. Arianna was like the daughter that I never had and she will always be my main priority. I only prayed for when she finally discovered that I'd be her only hope in the world... when she discovered that both of her parents had been killed.
By the same man.
In the same way.
I only hoped that anger wouldn't replace the kindness inside of her. I only hoped that she could move on with her life — despite the circumstances.
"Arianna!" A voice squealed from the hallway. Light footsteps could be heard up and down.
"That'll be Gio." Arianna told me with her eyes gazing up into mine.
"Go and play," I insisted with a smile.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded and hummed. Her body shuffled out of bed and she blew a kiss before closing the door and leaving me alone once again.
My eyes allowed a few drops to shed. They rolled down my cheek and my chest tightened.
His voice echoed in my head.
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
But it'll never be okay if I don't have him by my side. He's my saviour; my King; my universe. Without him — I'd surely wither away too.
I climbed out of bed and stumbled over to the mirror at the other end of the room. My reflection made me gasp. My face was pale except a few faded bruises; my hair was matted and clearly needed brushing; my eyelids were puffy and red and my lips were chapped and dry.
I sniffled and groaned, walking over to the en-suite and turning the shower to the right temperature.
I stripped my clothes and my body was the same kind of complexion. Pale with faded patches where bruises were gradually healing. The mirror above the sink offered my reflection — causing my stomach to churn in disgust.
What had I become?
It brought me back to when I was first thrown onto the streets. My lack of hope was clear in my drowned eyes; my body was weakened and I was prepared to die that night. It seemed that life had circled back to that exact point.
Perhaps I just didn't deserve happiness. Perhaps I would always be the unfortunate little girl that never got what she really wanted... no matter how simple her ideals were.
Love is all that she ever wanted. For those that she loved, to stay by her side.
Stepping into the warm water — I felt goosebumps rise on the surface of my skin. The relaxation that washed over my body was my temporary haven. All the negative thoughts and tension inside of me was put aside and I just bathed in the warmth of the water.
Imagining that the water running down my body were his fingers. Imagining his kisses were peppering my skin instead of the droplets of water. Imagining that his voice was the deep rush of the water. Imagining that his body was pressed against mine and the whole world was slowed down around us.
Time had stilled and all I could hear were his soft whispers.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Over and over again. The same words and the same voice. The same man that I'd adore for the rest of my fūcking life.
After I had slowly washed my body, I climbed out and wrapped a fluffy around my body. I imagined that he'd offered me the towel; wrapped it around my body and kissed my forehead with the same smile that could make my heart flutter every time.
It felt like early afternoon. I grabbed some comfortable clothes from my wardrobe and got changed, pinning my hair back in a high ponytail and tidying up my room for the maids. They had a difficult job already; I could at least make it slightly easier.
As I was walking out of our bedroom, I saw a maid standing at the door.
It was Angelina.
Usually she'd glare and look down on me. But she held a concerned look on her face — one that almost made her look kind and warm. I furrowed my eyebrows and waited for whatever she was going to say.
"Eva..." Her voice was softer than usual and I noticed how her eyes cast away from mine in a sheepish, ashamed way.
"Angelina?"
She inhaled and I tilted my head to the side. "What's wrong?"
Her eyes eventually moved up to meet mine. "I wanted to apologise to you. For everything."
My eyes widened in shock. Did Angelina just apologise to me?
She hadn't been much of a burden except for the occasional time but I had to admit that I often did become possessive when thinking about her adoration towards Alessandro. But nevertheless I didn't expect her to actually apologise to me.
"Really?" I spoke with genuine shock towards her words.
Her head nodded.
"Honestly," Her voice was filled with shame and I felt that she meant every word she was saying. "I always loved Alessandro but I always knew that you were the one that he truly adored and I guess that's what drove my selfishness. And the point that I didn't believe that you were good enough for him... but now that he's gone and I see how broken you are, I realise that you two were always meant to be. And I just..."
She had lost her words due to the emotions filling her eyes. My better nature shone through and I immediately wrapped her in a tight embrace. One that was warm and sincere. "I'm such a bad person," She sobbed on my shoulder, making my heart throb for her.
"No you're not," I shook my head and rubbed her back. "I understand. I forgive you."
Angelina pulled away and tears were soaking her cheeks. "You were perfect for him. He loved you so much Eva."
All I could do was nod my head and smile. If I tried to speak — I knew that I'd break down again.
"I can't believe that he's really gone," Angelina sniffled and I inhaled sharply.
"Me too." I croaked out with unshed tears battling against my eyes.
"Anyway," Angelina wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve. "I should get working. Take care, Eva."
I placed my hand on her shoulder and gave her a loving expression. Angelina returned the gesture and then made her way into the bedroom. My footsteps were slow as I made my way towards the kitchen.
Food was my worst enemy the past few days. My stomach just couldn't seem to allow anything inside. Rosie told me that it was because I was upset but she also told me that I needed to eat something or I'd become even worse.
When I arrived at the kitchen, I was met with an empty space except from Leah.
Her dark hair was swaying behind her as her body moved around the kitchen. She was preparing some kind of meal — it seemed. I walked further inside and that's when she noticed me.
"Eva," Her voice was chirpy and welcoming.
I gave her the sweetest smile I could muster but she could see through my fakery. A sigh left her mouth as she watched me sit down at the table in the centre of the kitchen.
The same table that Alessandro and I sat when we sat together in the middle of the night...
My heart exploded at the memory.
"Do you want some coffee babe?" Leah inquired with a thoughtful look on her face.
The same question that Alessandro asked.
I looked up and shook my head.
"I'll make you one anyway."
My head fell in my hands and I sighed heavily. Leah poured water into the kettle and began to set the object on the boiler.
"You really need to get out," Leah spoke from the other side of the kitchen.
"Where?" I asked with furrowed eyebrows.
"Anywhere but here. Fresh air will clear your head."
Leah spoke the truth but I refused to believe her words. My stubbornness was stronger. "I'm fine."
Leah rolled her eyes and shook her head in disapproval. Why did everyone expect so much from me? The man I loved with all my heart was dead. Let me mourn.
Eventually the kettle boiled and her focus was no longer on my depressing aura. But I knew that she would be thinking about some kind of way to help me feel better as she poured the water into a mug.
I waited for her to finish before she placed the coffee infront of me. The strong scent almost made me gag; there was no way she was going to make me drink something like coffee. Even water was resisted by my body.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Leah leaned on the table and looked down at me. Her voice was concerned and caring but sternness laced her tone.
"Doing what?"
I met her eyes and they were drowning in sorrow for my state.
"Beating yourself up more than needed," She explained with a heavy breath. "It won't help you."
I wanted to scream but I knew that she was saying her words out of pure love. Anger boiled in my blood for everyone that was trying to drag me away from Alessandro. Mourning was what I needed and nobody seemed to understand.
"What do you expect me to do?"
Leah knitted her eyebrows together desperately.
"Take a walk? Eat something? Try laughing for once? Nothing is going to work. Don't you understand?" I spoke in a tone that was sour and bitter on the tip of my tongue. But Leah took my words with strength as she held sympathy for me beneath all the stern words and commands.
"I love him. Living without him is like wandering through the desert without any water," I could feel tears rise in my eyes but I kept going. "Nothing will take my pain away. No matter what I do — he'll be in my mind. I won't be able to focus on anything else, Leah."
I sniffled and wiped my tears away rapidly. They were becoming my downfall. My stupid tears.... I hated them.
Leah began walking around the table before I felt her presence beside me. Her arms secured around my chest and her lips pressed against the side of my head. "I know it's hard. And I know you're not going to be finished with your pain yet, but please... please try your best."
I looked over at her and felt my heart ache inside my chest as I noticed the pain in her dark orbs.
"We can't stand seeing you like this."
Hurting the people around me was something that pulled at my heartstrings. The thought of being the reason that others felt pain had never been a comfortable feeling. My stomach churned and my heart thundered as I thought about Leah, Rosie, Arianna, Giovanni, the men.... I didn't want to let any of them down.
After all — they'd always stuck by my side when I needed them. Even in their darkest moments, they kept the thought of me close to their hearts. The least I could do was stay strong for their sake.
"I'm sorry," I whispered softly in her ear.
"You don't have anything to apologise for," Leah immediately told me with her warm hands rubbing my back.
"But you're right. I can't mourn forever... I need to try and move on."
Leah smiled softly at my response. Was I finally choosing to move forward? The thought excited me until the image of his face formed in my mind again. And my heart completely stopped in my chest.
I rubbed my head and sighed to myself. Leah could see right through me. She leaned forward and whispered in the sweetest of voices. Similar to how my mother would whisper calm words when I was afraid or upset. "Take your time."
And then the warmth of her body left mine as she backed away. "I'm going to check up on Giovanni," Her voice was distant but recognisable. "Drink the coffee. It'll help."
The door closed shortly after and I exhaled heavily.
My life was becoming one mass of emotion. My head was spinning and I could feel my thoughts disorganising themselves over and over again. Each time I allowed myself to focus on something other than Alessandro — something else reminded me of him and I was thrown back to where I first began.
I lifted the mug to my mouth and took my first sip of coffee. The taste was bitter on my tongue but I enjoyed how it reflected on my feelings. I kept drinking and drinking until I finished the whole mug. Leah came back into the kitchen to finish her meal after about twenty minutes but I was getting ready to leave.
I walked down the hallway towards my old bedroom. The memory of first waking up in the Estate shone right through the whole room; it was definitely the most nostalgic room in the Estate for me.
As I looked into the bedroom — I saw Leon standing and staring up at the painting of my mother.
A smile blossomed on my face when I saw him admiring my work. "Hey," I spoke softly into the room, immediately capturing his attention.
His warm brown eyes blinked at me as I walked over.
"What are you nosying around for?" I playfully joked, leaning my head on his shoulder and allowing my eyes to drift up at the painting too.
My mother was beautiful on my bedroom wall. Her gorgeous features never failed to amaze me.
Leon chuckled and the sound vibrated through his body onto mine. "I was just looking at your painting. It caught my eye as I was walking by."
We both gazed at the painting for a few moments — admiring my mother and all that she was — before Leon turned towards me, catching my eye. "She looked exactly like you do."
"Everyone said that," I giggled to myself.
Leon was always comfortable to be around. His aura was kind and bright; I never found myself anxious or afraid when I was within his presence. Perhaps because he was the one that originally found me that cold night... the one that brought me to my fate.
"How are you feeling?" He asked with his face tilted towards mine. His eyes were warming as I gazed into them.
"I'm managing, I guess," I shrugged away the pain that I knew I'd never be able to admit. The pain that was so much deeper than what everyone thought. "What about you?"
Losing your brother must be the worst thing in the world. They'd always been together — the best of friends — and now Leon had to journey on without his older brother.
"Not too good. It's hard not having him around," Leon sighed to himself. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to my body. Our hearts were both pounding; I could feel mine against my chest, and I could hear the loud beating of his. "Life won't be the same without my parents and my brother..."
My chest was heavy with sorrow. For myself and for Leon. Why did life have to be so painful? It was almost as if every single beacon of light was on the tip of our fingers, ready to be gone by the time we looked again.
"I'll always be here." I told him with the gentlest of voices.
Leon looked into my eyes and nodded his head. "Me too," He whispered before placing a loving kiss on my forehead.
Leon and I had general conversation for the following couple of hours. We shared stories and I smiled with him. He helped me to forget about everything for just a couple of hours — and in those hours, I realised how much I truly adored him. He was like the older brother I never had.
Eventually the night came around.
The dreaded time of the day when reality settled inside of me.
I climbed into the large bed and his scent immediately penetrated my nostrils. The warm musk of his cologne was pressed against my face as I lay on the pillow.
And I inhaled.
Deeply. So that I could get as much of him as I could before the scent would eventually fade and be replaced with nothingness. Tear-stains were still noticeable where I had sobbed myself to sleep for the past two weeks.
As I turned on my back and stared up at the dark ceiling — I thought about how my life was going to change drastically from that day forward.
Not knowing the places that I'd travel without him.
Not knowing the people that would waltz into my life, eventually making up for his absence — if that was even possible.
Not knowing where my heart would lead me next.
Not knowing what lay right around the corner.
~
My heart is still broken. And I know yours are too :(
I feel like this chapter really empathised the relationships that Eva has with certain people. It was sweet and bitter at the same time. And it's only going to get even sweeter and even more bitter....
Until next time.