I really don't want to say things such as 'I want to go back as how things were before'
I recognise how I am right now, and I will continue to live on
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TWELVE
a helping hand
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Detective Baekhyun started a spark, a spark that turned in to a scorching fire, burning everything on it's way. The underground was full of flames and it was only a matter of time before they would reach the city above too. The tunnels were already a dangerous place, but after the arrest of the three corrupt cops and supplier Hyunwoo, things went out of control.
People were trembling with terror once the sun began to set, because they had no idea if they would survive until the morning. It's light never really reached the tunnels, but somehow we still always knew exactly when the moon rose on the sky. The cold night air made you feel like something was crawling on your skin, people's gazes got darker and their steps quicker and every single sound made you flinch and look around with fear.
Is it me? Am I going to be the next one to go?
You knew that you weren't safe and it was a horrible way to live, because your heart never stopped beating a little faster in the fear of dying. You suddenly realised how vulnerable you were. Weak and powerless. All you could do was keep hiding and praying that the monsters, hiding in the darkness, wouldn't come for you next.
That was exactly what I was doing. Most people were scared, but they were innocent. If they would die, it wouldn't be by chance and not because of anything that they did. I knew for a fact that the darkness was after me.
The leader of the Lee mafia was very pleased with the result of the investigation about the dead drug dealers. The police locked away the people that were responsible for it and not only that, we also unknowingly gave him a chance to take over Ji's business. Those who worked for the woman that exported drugs in foreign countries, were now doubting her leadership. Mister Nam thought that this was a perfect way for him to kick her off her throne. The only problem was that she wasn't planning to just sit still and watch him take what was belonged to her. If anything, she would get revenge over the people that gave him the power to even try to do that.
I already warned the detectives to be careful, but then I heard that I wasn't safe either. Ji knew that the police had the help of someone from the underground and she was determined to find that individual and make them pay. She was looking for me.
In moments like this one, I was glad that I didn't exist as anything more than just 'Three'. A girl with no documents. Invisible.
My eyes snapped open and I instantly reached out to grab the person that was standing next to me. I held on to his leg and pulled him on the ground without hesitation. We rolled around the room and I was hitting him with desperation until his voice managed to get through to my head. Once I recognised him, I let go of him right away and quickly crawled back in to a safe distance again. My hands were trembling when I reached up with them, to fix the mess in my dark hair and my startled eyes were wandering left and right around the dark office. '' S-Sorry. I had a nightmare. I thought you were planning to hurt me. I didn't mean to start hitting you. Did I fall asleep? ''
I looked around RM's loaning services, which was where I stopped earlier that night to ask them about the next time they wanted me to sell drugs. I thought that someone was following me and Namjoon allowed me to stay there for a while and wait until that person would give up and leave. It seemed like I ended up falling asleep on their sofa.
I had no idea how much time passed, but Namjoon was nowhere in sight anymore. Jimin was standing in front of me instead and rubbing the spot on his arm where I punched and scratched him. His black hair was a little sweaty, the smell of cologne, cigarettes and alcohol was radiating off his skin and from the looks of the money that was stuffed in a pocket of his blue leather jacket, it seemed like he was out selling drugs that night.
Then I spotted the blanket that he was holding under his arm. I kept staring at it with confusion, while he waved his hands through the air and loudly explained: '' I gave you a scare? You have no idea how much you scared me! I thought that someone was robbing us again! You don't even want to know how long Namjoon spent scolding me the last time that I accidentally forgot to lock our office! There is no way that I am going through something like that ever again! I was about to smash your head with my baseball bat, but then I recognised your face and went to look for a blanket instead. ''
I blinked with surprise and my gaze snapped towards his face again. I was embarrassed to ask and Jimin barely heard me when I quietly mumbled: '' You went to look for a blanked instead of waking me up and kicking me out? Does that mean that I can... I can stay here? Is it really okay for me to stay here? ''
The cage that I was forced to call 'my home', was one of the places where I felt the least safe at the moment and I was looking for excuses not to go back.
'' Namjoon locked you in the office and left, so he must trust you. And if he thinks it's fine, then it's fine with me too. '' Jimin carelessly shrugged and took off his leather jacket. He pulled out the money he earned that night and carelessly tossed it on the coffee table. Then he loudly yawned, stretched his arms and headed towards another room. He was about to walk through the doors, when he paused and glanced over his shoulder. '' Ya' want coffee? I know I said that you can stay, but I now that you're awake, I am not letting you go back to sleep. We got our newest supply of drugs and I need someone to help me pack them in smaller packets. I need to do that before tomorrow morning when our dealers will come to collect them. ''
That was how I ended up spending the rest of the night with Park Jimin and listening to his never ending complaints about life. He was sitting on the sofa in their office, while I had my legs crossed on a plastic chair. There was a small scale on the coffee table between us, I was packing away a giant pile of weed and he was getting busy with the cocaine. The fading light that was shining above our heads, was casting strange shadows on his face.
He looked handsome when he was frowning in concentration, but I couldn't help myself from smiling when he suddenly sneezed and accidentally sent the cocaine flying everywhere. He started cursing like there was no tomorrow and blamed his mistake on the crappy lightbulb that was barely illuminating the office and looking like it was going to give out any moment. Once it actually did, together with the radio, he couldn't help it but to grab his baseball bat and start smashing what was left of the useless piece of electronics. '' Crappy office! Crappy tunnels! Crappy life! I should just go back to Busan, where at least I get to feel sorry for myself on a beautiful beach, while I'm eating tteokbokki that doesn't taste like actual shit! ''
My smile turned in to quiet chuckles and Jimin stopped destroying the radio with his baseball bat. His eyes grew wide with surprise and for a moment he looked confused, like he couldn't understand what he was hearing. Then he realised that the sound was laughter and that it was coming from my direction. His head twisted towards me and he stared at me with a stunned expression on his face. I bit my lower lip and quickly forced myself to get serious again. I thought that he was angry at me for laughing at him, but then he pointed at me with his baseball bat and quietly mumbled: '' That... That is a nice sound. You should make it more often. ''
My eyes grew wide with surprise and I found myself at a loss of words. My hands trembled, I lowered my head and quietly mumbled instead: '' Mind if I smoke in here? ''
Jimin put his baseball bat down again and went back to packing away the cocaine. '' You can start a fire for all I care. As long as you don't burn any of the weed or Namjoon's things. Cause then I'd be in trouble. ''
I found it surprisingly easy to talk to Jimin. He was like a stormy night, with lightning that appeared every now and then to cut through the sky and illuminate the world. His outbursts could get extremely violent, but they never lasted long. Something inside him ignited because of the smallest of things, but it was a fire that you could easily put out once you learned the right things to say.
He even bothered to listen to my stories about my money problems. He was carefully watching me, while I was telling him about how I needed cash for the doctor that was looking after Chanyeol. Then he lowered his head and seriously began: '' I should be trying to convince you to get a loan from Namjoon, but... We both know how that would end. So just... I'm going to give you an address and if you want, you can go there. It's a restaurant and if you ask for Jungkook and tell him that I sent you, he will get you a part time job there. The pay wouldn't be high, but it would be better than nothing. ''
My eyes grew wide with shock and I stared at him in disbelief. '' They would hire someone like me at an honest restaurant? ''
Jimin grinned and dismissively waved with his hand. '' Jungkook's not like us. He obeys the law. He is kind and he'll surely feel bad for you. If he tries to send you off, just be persistent. His father owns the restaurant, so don't believe him if he'll give you any bullshit excuse about why he can't hire you. He's easily manipulated by girls anyway. ''
My eyebrows furrowed together with confusion and I took a drag from my cigarette before leaving it between my lips and grabbing another plastic packet for weed. Once I filled it with the drug and weighted it to make sure that the amount was correct, I threw it on the pile with the others. A confused frown stayed on my face as I held my cigarette between my fingers and mumbled: '' Why are you friends with a person that sounds so great? ''
'' Don't voice your suspicions in front of him. He really is nothing like me and he gets offended if you compare him to street thugs. He is working hard and earning money, so that he would be able to go to law school in the future and make his father proud. Or was it med school? Doesn't matter. My point is that the only thing that we have in common is the way that he gets a little bit overprotective when it comes to his family or the restaurant. The two of us met each other in an overnight holding cell at a police station, you know. A group of teenagers that were playing gangsters, were trying to torment his dad. It ended up with them getting beaten up before the police arrived and dragged Jungkook away, '' Jimin lowly explained, staring in to distance and shaking his head at the memory.
I wasn't sure how to imagine this Jungkook that Jimin told me about. I pictured the two boys to be somewhat similar, but he ended up being younger and taller. The only thing that they had in common were the soft and angelic features on their faces, trying to fool you in to thinking that they were a lot more innocent than they really were.
Jeon's noodles seemed like a nice restaurant, with wooden furniture, a fireplace burning on one side of it and green plants decorating the centres of the tables. The atmosphere was warm and cozy, the air smelled of different sauces for noodles and when I arrived, the place was absolutely packed. It was around lunch time and most of the tables were filled with businessmen and women, students and other people who stopped there to have a quick meal before going back to work or school. I felt out of place as soon as I walked in the restaurant and the bell above the entrance announced my arrival.
You don't belong here.
'' One moment! '' a dark haired boy screamed before I could change my mind and leave. He rushed out of the kitchen and he was balancing three plates of noodles on each one of his arms. He made it seem easy and a smile automatically appeared on his face when he served them to the costumers. He moved around the tables so fast that I didn't even get to think of what I was going to say before he already appeared in front of me and asked: '' Table for one? ''
He didn't look happy when I told him that I got sent to the restaurant by Jimin. He cursed the drug dealer for promising things that had nothing to do with him, but he didn't try to kick me out. Another group of people stepped in to the restaurant and after debating what to do for a moment, he pointed towards the kitchen and told me to go wash dishes. '' If my father asks you who you are, say that your name is Hyeri and that you are a friend from school. Your family is struggling financially, so I agreed to give you a job at our restaurant. Got it? ''
I didn't even have a chance to respond to him, because then he already shoved me towards the kitchen and greeted the group of costumers that was waiting behind me. I politely bowed at his father, who cooking the noodles in front of three different stoves and repeated Jungkook's words. There was something strange in the man's eyes and I could tell that he didn't completely believe me, but he still smiled and nodded in response. '' You're the Hyeri that my Jungkook always talks about? Strange, I could've sworn that he said your hair was red, but I guess it's nice to finally meet you! I hope we'll get along well! ''
I ended up staying at the restaurant until closing time and helping in the kitchen. I quickly got the hang of washing dishes, but the warm water and the soap didn't do wonders for my bruised skin. My hands were stinging by the end of the day and some old wounds were split open and bleeding again, but I didn't say anything. I quickly covered them with my sleeves when I caught Jungkook looking at them. He was sweeping the floor in the kitchen and I was wiping the counters, while his father was counting the earnings of that day in the other part of the restaurant.
'' Morning shift or afternoon shift? '' was all that Jungkook asked me once I was done cleaning. He set down his broom, pulled some money from a pocket on his apron and started counting out my earnings for that day. I took the cash from his hands and he quietly continued: '' Don't worry too much about my father. You did well today. He definitely knows that you aren't really Hyeri from school, but he'll pretend that you are. You are a diligent worker and you don't complain or cause problems, so he'll pretend that he doesn't know the truth. ''
The clock was already nearing nine at night by the time I reached the police station. It was late, but the windows of the investigations room were still lit up. I thought that I was going to find only Baekhyun there at that time of day, but when I barged in, I was met by a completely different sight.
The detective was leaning back on one of the chairs and sleeping. His arms were crossed on his chest and his legs were resting on a pile of old case files. Yixing and Ahryung were crouched down in front of him and doodling on his face. He was peacefully asleep and when they saw me, they instantly dropped their markers and stopped giggling, like two children that were caught with their hands in a cookie jar.
I was keeping away from the police station for the past few days, both because of what was happening in the underground and the attention that the task force got after the last completed case. The public was shocked by what happened, journalists were trying to find out more about the story and chief Jung was putting more and more pressure on Baekhyun and the others. He made sure that all of the cases that were related to the Lee mafia in any way, got delivered to their investigations room and he wanted progress as fast as possible. I still couldn't forget everything that he told Baekhyun that day at the hospital and how he called him a failure. I had an awful gut feeling that there was something strange about him, something more than just hatred for the young detective, but I had no idea what that could be.
'' Is this a police station or a garbage dump? '' I asked and looked around the packed investigations room. There were piles and boxes full of case files scattered everywhere. Papers were covering all surfaces. Photos of dead bodies and crime scenes were pinned up on a laundry rack in the corner. '' This place is starting to look a lot like home. ''
'' These are police files about all past cases that are somehow connected to the Lee mafia, '' Baekhyun explained and tiredly rubbed his eyes. He had yet to realise that his face was covered with doodles. '' Chief Jung ordered us to go through them and put them in a special computer program where they would all be at the same place. ''
'' I'm not talking about the case files, '' I mumbled and picked up an empty pudding cup that was laying on top of a pile of boxes.
Baekhyun cringed and adverted his gaze at the ground in embarrassment. '' Okay, the pudding cups are mine. I got hungry earlier. ''
My gaze wandered towards a pile of candy wrappers that was next to Baekhyun's computer. '' And that? ''
'' I need something to help me stay focused. Paperwork is boring! '' he protested and scratched the back of his head. Then he frowned and glared at me. '' Since when are you the cleaning police? We've been stuck in here for days now! It's easy for you to act like a smartass when you don't have to do boring things like paperwork. ''
I pursed my lips and raised my eyebrows. '' So there's still no new cases to work on? ''
'' I wish there was, '' Ahryung spoke up, loudly sighed and spun around on her office chair. '' I've been praying for a dead body for the past few days and-... I mean... Not in that sense... I wasn't hoping for anyone to die... Whatever. You guys know what I'm talking about. ''
Baekhyun rolled his eyes and crossed his arms on his chest. '' Things have been pretty dry lately. So unless you want to help us with paperwork, then-... Yeah, you are already thinking of an excuse to leave, aren't you? I can't blame you. I wish I could go too. ''
I gave them the number of my newly purchased burner phone and disappeared in to the night again. I was expecting for a few days to pass before someone would call me, but it happened the very next evening. I just finished my afternoon shift at Jeon's noodles and I was waiting for Jungkook to give me my pay for the day. He was counting money with a concentrated frown and he was about to hold it in my direction, when he suddenly raised it high above his head. My eyes narrowed with suspicion and he mimicked my serious expression. '' I know I said that we'll pretend how we don't know that you are hiding something, but... You aren't using this money for drugs or anything like that, right? ''
My eyes slightly widened with surprise at the sound of his worried question, then I slowly shook my head. He nodded in approval and gave me my pay without saying another word. I went right to Chanyeol afterwards and handed doctor Sunkyung all of the money that I had. I was paying him way more than he asked for, so that he could have enough cash for the extortion groups that were visiting him, but he was becoming more and more reluctant to accept my help. '' Look at yourself, Three. This is killing you. You are starting to look worse than some of the patients in my clinic. ''
'' I'll take it that you have good news for me then? '' I quietly mumbled and stared at the doctor with a blank expression on my face. '' Is Chanyeol's state finally improving? ''
Doctor Sunkyung cringed and lowered his head. '' Not exactly. ''
It really looked like Chanyeol was going to get better. The bruises on his skin healed and he regained some colour. The only problem was that then the wound that got left on his chest by the organ trafficking doctor, got infected and now he was at risk of getting blood poisoning and going in to septic shock. His face was covered by an oxygen mask to help him breathe, he had a high fiver and his whole body was trembling in sudden chills.
I could barely bring myself to look at him without getting tears in my eyes, but he managed to stay strong for the both of us. It was especially bad that day, when his weak hand reached towards mine and he suddenly noticed the worn out and red skin on my palms. I saw the way his brows furrowed together in confusion, quickly pulled back from his grip and stuck my clenched fists in to my pockets. '' Don't worry about it. It's from a new job. Can you believe it? Me, working a job that doesn't involve being a piece of shit criminal? Me neither, but it's true. I wash dishes at a restaurant! It was only my second day there, but give me a little bit more time and I'll figure out a way to start bringing you food from there! They make noodles. You like noodles, don't you? ''
Chanyeol slowly lifted himself up on his hospital bed. I was looking away and hoping that he wouldn't try to ask any more questions, when he suddenly put his hand on the back of my head and pressed our foreheads together. My breath got caught in my throat with surprise and I found myself at a loss of words. At first I was completely frozen, then the tears that I was trying to hold back, began to freely fall down my cheeks. He closed his eyes and I could feel his warm skin against mine. He didn't need to take off his oxygen mask and say anything for me to understand what he meant.
Thank you.
We were still in that position when the burner phone in my pocket suddenly began to buzz. I stepped back and he laid down on his bed again. His eyes were carefully watching me when I wiped my teary eyes with the back of my hand and pulled my phone from my pocket. I loudly sniffled and coughed before I pressed it to my ear and answered: '' What is it, mister? Did one of your printers get stuck while you were doing paperwork? Don't try to blame it on me. It's because Ahryung keeps kicking it when that happens. ''
'' I a-already know, but I'm not calling you because of that. It's just... '' Baekhyun's voice was shaky and quiet and I instantly realised that there was something very wrong. There was no sound of his usual lighthearted or annoyed tone. The silence that followed lasted for too long and I could feel my heart beginning to beat faster. '' Forget it. It's nothing. I'll call you when we get a new case. ''
He hung up before I could ask any questions, but my heartbeat didn't want to calm down again. I was trying to tell myself to just forget about it and put my phone away again, but I couldn't. The unnerving feeling continued swirling around in my chest and I couldn't deny that I was a little worried. So instead I called first Ahryung and then Yixing. The girl didn't know anything and the boy was trying to avoid answering to my questions, but eventually he admitted: '' It's Baekhyun's uncle. Did he ever tell you about him? He's been at the hospital for a long time and a couple of nights ago he had a very dangerous surgery. At first it seemed like he'll be fine, but he died today because of some complications. ''
He's just some cop and you shouldn't care about how he feels.
I knew that, but I still did care. I had a bad feeling when he didn't answer my call and after almost smashing the burner phone out of anger, I decided to go and check out what was going on. So I left the clinic and made my way to the hospital where I knew that his uncle was staying. At first I was just walking normally, but after a few moments, I broke in to a run.
He's just a cop.
He's just-
He's-
'' The detective? He said he wanted some alone time and went to the rooftop. ''
That crazy bastard better not be doing what I think he's doing.
My lungs were burning and I was gasping for air when I stumbled out on the dark rooftop of the hospital. The cold night wind hit my reddened cheeks and my eyes frantically moved around the shadows before I spotted a familiar figure. He was leaning against the railing of the rooftop, smoking a cigarette and looking at the sky. When he heard me, he turned around and his eyes grew wide in disbelief, while I leaned forward with my hands against my knees and started catching my breath.
'' Brat? What are you doing here? Why do you look so worried? I wasn't going to jump, you know... I did think of it, but only for a moment, '' he nervously admitted and ran through his black hair with his hand.
My muscles tensed at the sound of his words, then I straightened myself, walked directly towards him and slapped him as hard as I could. '' That's what you get for considering it! Even if it was just for a moment. And you were the one that called me, mister. ''
'' I told you that you didn't have to come. ''
'' You called me, '' I protested and shook my head. '' Maybe not with words, but I heard you. ''
My hands were trembling when I placed a cigarette in my mouth and lit it up. He was still holding his red cheek and watching me in silence. I was hoping that he would get at least a little annoyed and he did. I always knew how to make him mad and anything was better than seeing him with that sad expression in his eyes. '' It's really not fair that you get to slap me, but at the same time you are bothered by the fact that I worry about you. ''
I scrunched up my nose in disgust and mumbled: '' Why did you want me here with you tonight? Isn't that why you called before you changed your mind and hung up? ''
He was slightly taken back by my blunt question, then he quietly admitted: '' After my uncle died, I thought I wanted the company of somebody that wouldn't try to give me any meaningless bullshit about how it'll all be okay. ''
'' Life is not fair. '' I shrugged and took a drag from my cigarette. '' And you have no choice but to get used to it. ''
'' Exactly, '' he lowly murmured, leaned against the railing of the rooftop and gazed towards the night sky again. There were no stars and the cold air was making both of us shiver in our jackets. The temperatures were getting lower and people were expecting to see a bunch of snowstorms in the next couple of weeks. '' You know, my uncle was the reason that I became a cop. He was always my biggest inspiration. My goal. Someone that I looked up to. Everything changed when he barely survived an armed attack on him and ended up at the hospital. And now... Now he's gone and I don't know what to do anymore. ''
I stared straight ahead with a serious expression on my face. '' It's simple. You keep being the good cop that you already are. It's okay to make mistakes and now that you have your uncle only in your memory, you can ask Ahryung and Yixing to kick you back on to the right path after you screw up. ''
Baekhyun turned towards me with surprise and asked: '' And you? ''
'' Me? '' I repeated and frowned in confusion. '' I can't even keep myself on the right path, but sure. I can try. I also would totally grab you by your hair and drag you across the asphalt when you would make a mistake. ''
The detective smirked at the sound of my response and tilted his head to the side. '' Come on. Let's go. I could really use a drink. I'll buy you food too. ''
He made his way towards the door that lead off the rooftop. I was standing still and looking at the back of his head for a moment, then I tossed my cigarette and hurried after him. I stuck my hands in my pockets and the two of us quietly left the hospital and made our way towards the nearest bar.
Moments like this one always helped me forget about the parts of my life that Baekhyun didn't know, but they ended too soon and reality was quick to slap me in the face, just like I slapped him earlier.
Once we parted ways and he went home, I still had to return underground and back to my sorry existence, where no matter what I did and no matter how much I suffered, it was never enough.