(Title Art Credit: @ anna.pellizzari | Instagram)
—————————————————
*COVER ART CREDIT: ME
Heads up: This story takes place after my Spider-Man fanfic book. Thanks for reading!
TRIGGER WARNING: Includes flashbacks, PTSD, suicidal thoughts/actions, severe anxiety/panic attacks, cussing, alcoholism, and depression.
Comments welcome!
—————————————————
Tony watched helplessly from the side as May cried into Peter's shoulder.
"I was so worried about you," May whimpered. "On the news, they said you were one of the ones who, who-," May lost it, crying over those who were "snapped."
Peter was crying as well. "It's okay, May. Thanos couldn't keep me away from the people I love. I'm here now. I'm okay."
May sniffed. "I know... I was just... I was heartbroken. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I thought you were going to be safer with the avengers, not blown into oblivion like that."
"Was that a dust pun?" Peter asked softly, trying to lighten the mood.
May cocked her head to the side and gave Peter a look. "You... rascal, you." She smiled sadly.
May turned to Tony. "Thank you for bringing him home."
Tony seized up. I almost didn't...
May pulled Tony into a hug, clutching to him tightly. "I don't have anyone but Peter, Tony," she said, just loud enough for him to hear. "You don't know what he means to me... after his parents died... we raised him as our own... and when Ben died... I didn't have anyone else but Peter. He means the world to me, Tony. And I know he means the world to you, too."
Tony allowed the tears to fall, and he practically fell into May's arms as well. "He does," he croaked.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"I couldn't imagine doing any less," he murmured.
———————————————————
Tony stared at the wall in darkness, curled into a little ball on the couch.
May had offered him to stay the night, and Tony honestly didn't feel like driving anywhere. Plus, he had given Happy a week off to recuperate from the events of the Infinity War.
Tony's thoughts had been wrestling with him into the night, and he couldn't sleep.
"Tony?" Came a soft voice from the hallway.
"Peter, what are you doing up?" Tony asked, sitting up.
Peter stepped quietly into the room. "It's only 1:30 AM," he shrugged. "I couldn't fall asleep."
"How come?" Tony asked, concern in his voice.
Peter shrugged again, rubbing his Star Wars socked foot into the carpet in small circles. "I don't know."
Tony patted the seat next to him. "Come here."
Peter sat next to Tony. "How come you're still awake?"
"I'm... not used to sleeping on couches," Tony said, an obvious cover-up.
Peter raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh. And I'm just not sleepy."
Tony gave a half-hearted smile. "Tell me what's really going on. It's gotta be something besides barfing. You woke me, not May."
Peter rubbed his arms, trying to warm himself up. "I um... I had a nightmare."
Tony bit his lip. "That's what I'm afraid of."
"Having a nightmare?"
"Well... yeah. But also you having nightmares."
Peter looked at the carpet, cheeks tinged slightly red. "Yeah." He was shivering a bit, from fear or from cold, Tony couldn't tell.
Tony wrapped his blanket around himself and Peter.
"Thanks."
"Yeah. What was it about?" Tony asked.
Peter set his head on Tony's shoulder, and Tony raked his fingers through Peter's soft hair comfortingly.
"Do you ever feel helpless?"
Tony's fingers paused, and he started twisting Peter's hair around his fingers nervously. "I-, I don't know, kid. Maybe."
"So... you do?"
"Sometimes," Tony admitted. Most of the time, he wanted to say.
Peter sighed. "I had this dream where we were fighting on Titan, and the avengers weren't enough. There was nothing I could do. But it was like I was actually THERE, and I knew I was going to... that I was going to die. And I was so scared all over again. But instead of me turning into dust when Thanos snapped... it was you."
Tony bit the inside of his cheek, not knowing how to respond.
Peter tucked himself into Tony's chest. "And I started sobbing. These awful, loud retching sounds. I was going hoarse, and you were there, in my arms. There wasn't anything I could do, Tony.
"You were disappearing fast, and you didn't care that you were dying, because you didn't care if you lived. You didn't even care if you lived for me, Tony. For Pepper. You just... you were so hollow, and I could feel it with my spider senses and-, and you were falling apart piece by piece and I knew this was the last I'd see you.
"I didn't want to say goodbye, so I cried at you to fight it, to stay. For me. For your family. And you told me that you were proud of me and that you loved me, and I didn't even have enough time to finish saying I love you before you were... before you were gone. It was so scary, Tony."
Peter was shivering again, despite the warm blanket around him.
Tony's heart felt heavy. "Peter," he croaked around the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry. It was just a dream. I'm here."
Peter scrunched his face up, trying hard not to burst into tears. "But it was so real. I don't know how you could've gone through that."
Tony's heart skipped a beat. Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. Tony's left arm started trembling.
"Tony, your arm is shaking," Peter noticed, setting a hand on his quivering limb.
"Mm," Tony replied, focused on trying to slow his breathing.
"It always shakes when you're about to have a panic attack," Peter said, his concern growing.
"I-, Pete, I-," Tony let out a loud breath. "You don't... I'm sorry you had a dream like that."
"But it was real for you-," Peter said quietly.
"I know," Tony replied, voice strained.
Tony got up, put his hands behind his head, and paced around the room. He pulled his hands through his hair. "I know," he said, his voice a little more even now.
"I know," he repeated, sitting back down. His legs were trembling, and he set his head in his hands. "I know," he repeated again, an edge to his voice.
"Hey, Tony. Listen to me. It's okay. I'm still here."
Tony nodded, cupping his face with his hands, breathing deeply but a little shakily.
Peter wrapped his arms around Tony. "It's okay..."
Tony started sobbing. Tears flooded down his cheeks, and there was no stopping it. He couldn't try and hide it anymore. He couldn't pretend like everything was okay when it wasn't. He couldn't keep everything locked up inside himself anymore. I need to get help... I can't live like this...
(Credit: MelanietjuhX | Deviant Art)
May peaked her head into the room, looking at Peter with worried eyes, asking him millions of questions with one look.
Peter shook his head subtly, as if to say "not now." Worry filled his own eyes as he continued to console Tony.
May pursed her lips but nodded, leaving the room.
"I can't lose you like that again," Tony choked out through his tears, turning his head away in shame.
"Tony, look at me."
Tony turned his head farther.
"Tony, it's okay to cry."
Tony's shoulders loosened a bit, and he looked into the young boy's sad, tearful eyes with his own red and puffy ones. "I can't lose you like that again, Peter. I can't..."
Peter rubbed Tony's back. "I know. You won't. I'm okay, now. I'm okay..."