July 17th, 2017
Camila sighs, squeezing her eyes shut and pulling the covers over her head. She rubs at her temples, trying to will the headache away, but she knows it's useless. She knows it's not worth trying.
The headaches after her panic attacks are always the worst. It's like all of her angry, upsetting thoughts are pressing against the inside of her skull, and there's nothing she can do but focus on them, and focus on how shitty she feels. How ashamed she is, because she can't just keep it together. She has to freak out every time she gets overwhelmed.
The panic attacks had been more frequent, but the recent one was the biggest. The one she had this morning was the worst, and it felt like it had been building for days. She knows she'd had the worst couple days, because she'd been cutting herself off from everyone. Dinah understands that when she gets like this, she needs space, but Lauren...
Lauren hadn't stopped texting, and Camila can't understand why.
Why would someone like Lauren Jauregui want to spend time with someone like Camila? Obviously, it's all just a long, elaborate senior prank, and when she gets back to school, everyone will be laughing at her. She can't believe she's ever let herself relax around Lauren. How could she have been so stupid?
Nobody would want to date Camila. Obviously. She's been an idiot to believe otherwise.
She sighs, and grabs Lauren's softball jersey from over on the chair where she keeps all of her clothes. She takes her t-shirt off and pulls the jersey on, pulling up the collar and taking in Lauren's scent. It's crazy, how it comforts her, when Lauren makes her so nervous.
It's not a practical joke. Lauren genuinely likes you, Camila tries to tell herself. She's not messing with your head.
Oh, really? The anxiety pitches in. Are you sure about that? She's Lauren Jauregui. She's popular and smart and beautiful and she was a star athlete and you're awkward and weird and not at all pretty. Why would she want you?
Camila squeezes her eyes shut, trying to hold in her tears. She sighs, her chest feeling empty, and she knows she has to break up with Lauren. She can't do this. She can't. Lauren doesn't really like her.
She'd been avoiding Lauren's calls and texts for days, in the hope that she'll just stop trying, but she doesn't. No matter what, she sends Camila texts in the morning, wishing her a good day and offering to come and see her. On a night, Camila gets a goodnight text, wishing her a good night's sleep. The part of her that knows Lauren cares is touched, but her anxiety is way too prominent. She's so close to convincing herself that she's right, that it's all a joke, but part of her knows it's not. And even that's terrifying, because she doesn't understand why. Why does Lauren care?
Camila bundles under her blanket again and cuddles her stuffed animal, Ifos, to her chest. She sighs, resting her head against her pillow and closing her eyes, knowing that she'll need to sleep to get rid of this fucking headache, but she can't sleep because of it. She feels like she's being repeatedly hit on the head with a brick.
When her bedroom door opens, she groans, pulling her covers over her head. "Mami, can you get me a Tylenol, please?"
"Wow, no need to call me mami," Lauren announces, and Camila's heart starts racing in her chest. "I do have a Tylenol for you, though."
Her bed sinks, and Camila buries her face into her pillow. She feels her anxiety rising again, and she knows it's not good for her that Lauren's here. The only time she's ever calm around Lauren is when she forgets she's Lauren, which sounds dumb. It's when Camila forgets herself; when she's not thinking.
She hears a little shuffling, and then her covers are pulled back and arms wrap around her. She feels a kiss placed on the top of her head, and Camila sighs. "Are you okay? You've been avoiding me."
"I- I'm just..." Camila stammers, turning over to look at Lauren. If anything, that makes things worse; looking into Lauren's bright green eyes makes her heart practically beat out of her chest. "I'm not... in a good place. These last few days."
"I figured that," Lauren replies, sitting up and passing her a pill and a glass of water. "Your Tylenol. Your mom mentioned that you get bad headaches after panic attacks."
Camila sends her a weak smile and takes the pill, downing the rest of the water. She wishes that the effect was instant, but the pounding in her head doesn't subside. "Thank you."
"It's okay," Lauren flashes her a small smile. "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling bad?"
"I- I don't... you make me nervous," Camila blurts out, biting down on her bottom lip. "And nerves- they're not- not good for anxiety."
"I thought you were feeling better," Lauren murmurs, laying back down and taking her hand under the sheets. She squeezes her hand gently and presses a kiss to her cheek. "I thought you'd started to relax."
"I do when I'm- when I'm not thinking," Camila admits, mumbling, "but when it's bad like this- I- I can't not think."
Lauren hums. "Why is it bad?"
"I- I don't... it's- school is coming up. You're moving away. My dad... he has all of these big expectations for me and- and my grades. And college, but I don't even... know if I want to go," Camila mumbles, "I don't know, it's like- like I was going to- because he wants me to, but I don't want to. And I'm not smart enough to get the grades he wants me to get, and even though- even though you make me nervous, it's like... you also have this weird calming effect and I'm scared that you'll go off to college and find someone better and-"
"Hey," Lauren shuts her up with a quick kiss. "First off, I'm not going to find anybody better than my soulmate, am I? And second, if you don't want to go to college, then you don't have to. It's not compulsory. If you really need time to think about it, it's not a bad thing to take a gap year. And you're definitely smart enough for it, but it sucks that your dad is putting a lot of pressure on you."
"It's like- I can't not go," Camila quickly tries to explain, "the whole reason we came here from Cuba was so- so I could have a better life. Better opportunities, like college. And not going would make me feel like the struggle my parents went through to get us here... it'd make me feel like I'm completely disregarding it."
Lauren watches her carefully, before she sends her a small smile. "You know, you won't be disregarding it when you're a Grammy winner, will you? I mean that. Why not try talking to your parents about it? It's always good to be honest."
"I- I don't want to disappoint anyone," Camila mumbles, hanging her head in shame, "I just don't want to upset my parents."
"If you live your life trying to please other people, you're going to end up disappointing yourself." Lauren tells her, and Camila has to admit that she has a point. "You know you've got a real gift for music, Camz. I know that, too. If anyone can make it, you can, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make you believe that."
Camila sighs. "If I go off and try to be a musician, my parents- they won't think it's practical."
"Work alongside it. Every musician needs a day job at some point," Lauren points out, sending her a small smile, "Live with me. When you graduate, I mean. We'll move in together. I'll be in sophomore year of college, but you can find a day job and work on your music in your free time."
Camila looks up in shock. She can't believe what she's hearing. Did Lauren just ask her to move in with her? "What?"
"Move in with me," Lauren says again, and Camila blinks in surprise, like she still can't believe it. "Get a job and work on your music."
"I- you really..." Camila stares at her, "you mean that?"
"Yep," Lauren confirms, pulling her in for a quick kiss. "I do mean it. So... what do you say, Camz? Will you? When you graduate, will you move in with me?"
Camila Cabello has had a lot of unexpected things happen to her. But this? Lauren Jauregui asking her to move in with her? This is the most unexpected thing ever.
"I- I-" Camila stammers, like her brain has forgotten what words are. She nods dumbly, and manages a small yes when Lauren has pulled her in for a tight hug. "Why- um- did you- did you come here?"
"You didn't answer my texts and I got worried," Lauren replies simply, sending her a small smile, and finally noticing Camila's shirt. "Hey, Camz?"
Camila blinks, still in shock. "Yes?"
Lauren sends her a teasing grin. "I like your shirt."
Camila lets out a soft hum, looking down at the softball jersey. "Yes. Me too."
"But, anyway, to answer your question in full, I kind of figured you were a little upset. And I did promise you that if you tried to push me away, I'd just pull you back in," Lauren says, flashing her a smile, "so, since you're not feeling so good, I'm going to take care of you."
Camila's stomach flips, and she tries to figure out how to form a coherent sentence. "I- thank you."
"It's cool," Lauren beams, "and since you're having trouble relaxing, I'm going to go run you a nice bubble bath. Okay?"
"Okay," Camila confirms, because that does sound relaxing, "thank you."
"No problem," Lauren kisses her forehead, before she shifts off the bed, stretches, and heads out of the room to run Camila's bath.
Camila sighs happily, watching the older girl go. After the request to move in with her, even Camila can't deny that Lauren really likes her. She smiles, and wonders how Lauren can make her mood turn so easily, how she'd managed to cheer Camila up in minutes when she'd been feeling awful for days.
It's because she really is your soulmate, dumbass, Camila scolds herself, she's obviously going to have that effect on you.
After around ten minutes, Lauren comes back into the room and stands by the bed, offering her arm. "Come on, beautiful. Your bath awaits."
Camila's stomach flutters, and she takes Lauren's arm, letting the older girl lead her into the bathroom. Lauren locks the door behind them, and she smiles, tucking Camila's loose hair behind her ear.
"Can I undress you?"
Suddenly, Camila feels very shy. Even though Lauren came over with messy hair, no makeup, and a sweater thrown on, she's still effortlessly beautiful. Camila never feels that way about herself; she can barely look in the mirror when she's naked alone. She knows that Lauren had seen her before, that they've been way more intimate that just a stupid bubble bath, and they've even done this before, but it all seemed so much easier back then.
She pushes those thoughts down, swallows them. Lauren asked to move in with her. Lauren likes her. It's not a big practical joke.
Stiffly, she nods, and Lauren watches her carefully. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," Camila whispers, but when Lauren's hands play with the hem of the softball jersey, she stops her, "can you- will you join me?"
"Of course, beautiful," Lauren smiles at her, "I'd love to."
Camila nods, and when Lauren lifts the softball jersey over her head, she tries not to freak out. Lauren takes her own sweater off, and Camila gulps when she's not wearing a bra, her eyes raking over her girlfriend's beautiful chest. As Lauren unbuttons her jeans and pulls them off, Camila sucks in a breath, and when she pulls down her panties and she sees her girlfriend's beautiful body, Camila's heart soars.
How is it possible for a person to be so gorgeous? Camila finds herself thinking, and she doesn't even notice when Lauren pulls her panties down and nods towards the bath.
"Oh," Camila blinks in surprise, and she tries not to worry, because Lauren has seen everything before, but she's still a little self-conscious about the stretch marks on her thighs. "Um. Hi."
Lauren smiles, kissing her cheek. "Hi. You're perfection, Camz. Every inch of you..."
Lauren's words make Camila's heart flutter, and she smiles, squeezing her hand. "You're beautiful, Lo. Your body..."
Lauren just smiles and nods towards the bath. "It's getting cold."
She helps Camila in first, and while the younger Latina has always been a little bit of a control freak, she likes the way Lauren is looking after her. Chivalry looks good on Lauren.
When the older girl sinks into the bath behind her, Camila thinks about the position they're in. She's in a bubble bath, naked, between Lauren Jauregui's legs. If you'd told her that two years ago, she would've fainted.
(In fact, Camila feels a little faint right now.)
Lauren grabs the shampoo, and humming a song Camila doesn't recognise but is eerily familiar, she massages it into her scalp. Camila closes her eyes, listening to the gentle hum of Lauren's voice, thankful that Lauren can sing, because Camila can't imagine being with someone who isn't musically inclined.
"What song is that?" Camila asks as Lauren starts washing the shampoo off. "It's a little familiar."
Lauren pauses, but starts washing her hair off. "I don't know what else to say but you're pretty fucking dope."
Camila frowns, not recognising it. She smiles a little at the lyrics. "Sounds like something you'd write."
Lauren snorts. "Like they'd let me."
"What do you mean?" Camila blinks, not understanding the words. "Like who would let you?"
"You know, if I were ever in music or anything," Lauren answers, a little too quickly. "I doubt anyone would really let me be me. Since I'm not really... the most PG person on the planet."
Camila laughs a little. "I guess not."
"You'd be good with the general public, though. Your whole personality. You're dorky and down to earth," Lauren comments, running conditioner through the ends of Camila's hair, "They'd love you. For me, it's like... sure, I can sing, but I can also... be kind of a loose cannon. It'd be hard for a record label or a PR team to control me and they wouldn't like that."
"I don't care." Camila turns around to look at Lauren. "I'd want you on a song with me anyway."
Lauren smiles. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Camila confirms, smiling a little, "every album. I'll have a song featuring my beautiful and talented girlfriend. A romantic duet. It'll be super cheesy, too."
Lauren laughs. "The cheesiest song you've ever written?"
"Yeah," Camila grins back, "definitely. And we'll sing it together for all the fans that'll ship us, because who wouldn't? We're cute."
Lauren studies her for a moment, and Camila worries if she's said something wrong. She goes to backtrack, to apologise, but Lauren just smiles and says, "calling yourself cute? Who are you, Dinah?"
Camila laughs a little. "Technically I was calling you cute. I'm cute by association."
"No, you're definitely adorable," Lauren smiles, "I've always thought that, you know? I've watched you grow from adorable fifteen year old to a beautiful woman and it's just... I don't know. It astounds me just how gorgeous you really are."
Camila's stomach flips at the compliment, but she tries to ignore it. "Fourteen. I was fourteen when I saw you for the first time. You know, when I was on that school induction day in the summer before ninth grade."
Lauren's smile is a little duller, but she nods. "Yeah, sorry, my mistake. Either way, I've still watched you... blossom. Gain certain... assets."
Camila rolls her eyes. "Do you just constantly stare at girls' asses?"
"Not girls, just you," Lauren is quick to assure her, "besides, you're my girlfriend. I'm allowed to stare at your ass if I want."
When Camila notices the light feeling in her chest, she smiles. Ignoring Lauren's comment for now, she turns to her girlfriend and sends her a shy smile. "Thank you for cheering me up, Lo. It means a lot that you came over."
"Like I said," Lauren smiles, "you're my girlfriend. It's my job to pick you up when you're down."
Camila hums happily. "Still. I- I appreciate it. Can we maybe... watch a Disney movie?"
"Sure," Lauren says, stretching, her arms around Camila's waist. She gives the younger girl a soft squeeze, before she climbs out of the bath. She holds her hand out to help Camila up. "Which movie?"
"Uh," Camila pauses in thought, trying to conjure up a title she hasn't seen for a while, "Bolt."
"Okay," Lauren answers, but is quick to fix her with a pout. "I was hoping you'd say The Lion King, but fine. It's fine."
Camila smiles a little. "Didn't you tell me you were obsessed with it as a child?"
"Mhm," Lauren answers, laughing a little, "I've had a fair few obsessions in my time. It's not as bad as the time when I was thirteen and obsessed with Paramore. To this day, I'm still not sure if I wanted to be Hayley Williams, or be with Hayley Williams. But anyway, that obsession was a big one. I had a literal shrine in my bedroom. I was so depressed when the Farro brothers left. My thirteen year old emo heart soared when I heard Zac rejoined."
Camila snorts a little. "Your shrine didn't have candles, did it?"
"...no, of course not."
"Lauren."
"Okay, maybe it did."
Camila laughs a little. "Thought so."
Lauren just rolls her eyes, kissing the top of Camila's head, before she tugs her sweater over her head. "Shut up and put some clothes on, loser."
Camila laughs, and grabs Lauren's softball jersey, pulling it over her head. She runs into her bedroom for some fresh underwear, and offers Lauren a pair of sweatpants, which the older girl takes. Camila settles down in bed again, smiling to herself as Lauren snuggles up to her.
She finds her laptop and searches for the movie, one arm around the most beautiful girl in the universe, and thinks that maybe Lauren is right. Maybe she shouldn't care about disappointing others, if she's just going to end up disappointing herself. Camila doesn't know. What she does know is that she has a gorgeous girlfriend, and she's never going to do anything to mess that up.
And she's not going to let her stupid anxiety ruin it.
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happy thanksgiving you weird americans