In the dark you shine best
with all the souls around your vest
Drown these harrowing pasts
with truth from your mystic touch.
+++
Bullet twenty eight
I spent seventeen hours in the air---probably the longest air trip I ever had. The longer route was more desirable---kaysa ulitin ni Luisa ang ginawa niyang pagpapatululog sa akin, pinili ko na lamang ang sumakay sa pampasaherong eroplano at magchange-route sa bawat airport. Apat na ruta ang dinaanan namin bago nakalapag sa bansa.
Walang imik kong pinanood ang paligid mula sa saradong bintana ng isang itim na SUV na sumundo sa amin sa airport. I was jealous watching normalcy behind the heavily tinted and probably bullet proofed glass. I was seeing girls like my age walking in groups, typical houses, malls, parks, bystanders. Mabilis ang takbo ng sasakyan kaya mabilis din lumipas ang mga imahe ng paligid.
Tahimik din, gaya ng normal niyang sarili, si Luisa habang nakatuon sa kabilang bintana. I liked to know what was going on her head. She really seemed so calm and boring all the time, maybe if we switch heads now I could rest from thinking at least.
May halong kaba ang sense of familiarity ang naramdaman ko nang nasisilip ko na ang ibang bahagi ng FDI Compound sa guhit-tagpuhan. I was back but I feel not the same. It felt like everyone were on their respective spots now. At kami ni Luisa ang naka-pwesto sa Compound. It felt like we were in a big chess board and were waiting for the assaultive moves of the unseen---we were waiting for the deadly game to begin. It felt like that.
Nilingon ko si Luisa nang maramdaman ko ang pagtitig niya nang makababa na kami sa patio ng gitnang gusali ng Compound.
"Magpahinga ka, Ms. fronda. Go back to school tomorrow and don't flunk Math. Lalagyan ko rin ng tracker ang sasakyan mo."
I nodded. "Anything else? Ms. Know-it-all?" I stretched my arms. Gadd, I missed my bed.
Humalukipkip siya, inasahan ko nang mahaba at tuloy-tuloy ang susunod kong maririning sa kanya. "Ipinagkatiwala sa akin ng iyong ina ang mga responsibilidad niya sa kompanya at alam mo na rin na ako ang inatasan ni Dana na tumayo bilang iyong guwardya. Ako rin ang sasalo sa responsibilidad ni Zeus na bantayan ang Compound habang hindi pa siya nakakabalik dito. Mag-isa ko lang at hindi pumayag si Dana na italaga sa iba ang iyong proteksyon. Sinabi niyang ikaw ang prioridad ko sa lahat ng aking tungkulin. I won't do sugar coating, the harsh reality is you are weak and a loophole. Dagdag pa, hindi ikaw ang puntirya ni Socrates ngunit mainam kang gamiting daan tungo kay Madam Fronda," aniya, walang preno at direkta.
Oh! In short ay isa akong pabigat sa kanya? I gritted my teeth. Naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng tenga ko sabay ng pagkalusaw ng nararamdaman kong pagod at antok. So I returned, "That makes the two of us, I don't do sugar coating too. I am not vulnerable as you think." Bile started forming as soon as my last words came out. Why did that last sentence feel so wrong on so many levels?
"Ang gusto ko lang ay huwag kang magiging pabigat. Tama na ang mga nakita kong kinilos mo upang maisip na magiging pabigat ka."
Whoa. Kanina gusto kong malaman ang mga iniisip niya, now that she spoke what was in her pretty little mind gusto ko nang patahimikin siya nang tuluyan. Nagising ang pinapatulog kong bad side ko. You know... my good nature was by default. That means I can switch off my default button and be bad.
"Look at you, calm and boring... I thought you'll be speechless when you speak what's on your mind," I said sarcastically with a fake smile. What she said hit home. Tss.
"Hmm. Sarcasm. Is that your superpower? You'll gonna be very useful," nakakairitang balik niya. Tiningnan ko siya nang matalim at siya hindi nagbago ang blankong mukha. Anong problema sa akin ng isang ito? Nakalimutan niya yata na pinagsisilbihan niya ako. However, what she said earlier---that 'weak' and 'loophole', really hit home because I knew that her words were true. Hindi ko inakalang ganito kapranka ang bantay ko. Sa likod ng isip ko hindi ko tuloy maiwasang ikumpara siya kay Dana at Canary. Well, Dana was perfect. Canary was weird---soft spoken in her normal days but bitch-tongued when holding a gun.
Luisa suddenly sighed and with furrowed brows I saw how her shoulders fell. "I'm sorry for my harsh words, Ms. Venice Lizabeth. I crossed the line, but I am not telling it isn't true. Fact is I am just concerned with you. Kakaiba ang sama ng mga tagapaslang kaya lahat ng sulok kinukunsidera namin ngayon. Noong sina Dexter ang pumupuntirya sa FDI hindi ka nila nagawang gamitin o saktan dahil nakontrol sila ni Dana. Ibang kaso na ngayon kaya nais ko sanang hingiin ang kooperasyon mo. Be careful and vigilant, iyon ang maitutulong mo ngayon," monotone niyang sabi sa kabila ng tapat niyang mga mata.
I crossed my arms and studied her resigned face. Crap. Ngayon naman kind words ang binabato niya sa akin. Hindi ko talaga masundan ang brainwaves niya.
Kunot-noo akong sumagot. "Hindi mo na kailanganan hingiin ang kooperasyon ko. What do you think of me? Suicidal, no self preservation kid? At huwag kang umastang kilala mo na ako dahil lang sa mga datos mo. I am more than what you see and what I display." I turned around and started walking to my unit. Nakakuyom ang mga aking mga palad habang mabilis kong binabagtas ang mga pasilyo.
This was a proof that truth hurts. Damn she was right; I was just a fragile girl displaying otherwise.
***
Days passed. Walang kakaibang nangyari sa Compound. No booms and bangs. No assassin has played peekaboo with me. Everything seemed normal like there were no really red lights to be afraid of. In spite of this, I knew that essentially nothing had changed. There were red lights.
Nakikita ko rin minsan ang aking ama na nasa kanyang kinagawiang seryosong sarili. He even approached me once---Christmas came early, asking if I heard something about my Mom. Nasabi niyang wala siyang ideya sa kinaroroonan ni Mommy dahil hindi iyon sinabi sa kanya ni Zeus. He really seemed innocent and unknowing of our entire situation. Of course, I just shrugged my shoulders.
Zeus wasn't back yet. Ang huling balitang nasabi ni Luisa sa akin ay tumungo si Zeus sa kinaroroonan ni Margareth at Canary. Hindi raw magtatagal ay muli siyang magbabalik sa Compound.
Everything was nice. Maging ang Math Professor ko ay natutunan na rin ang salitang 'back off'. Everything was fine except seeing Cole being a big jerk the past days.
Buhat nang nakabalik ako mula sa safe-house sa Europa at muling pinagpatuloy ang pagpasok sa unibersidad I've been seeing him with Lyka---every damned time. I didn't know how Lyka became his shadow. The weirder part of this was he wasn't talking to me as much as before. Weird and almost annoying. Further, this married woman seemed to be enjoying the situation. Tss.
And then... speaking of the beetch and the jerk, nahagip ng mata ko habang naghahanap ako ng libreng espasyo sa parking ground ng Brent University ang dalawa na magkasamang muli. Lyka was sitting on a car's hood and Cole was standing in front of her. Too close it was illegal.
Nanggagalaiti kong ipinarada ang Ferrari sa una kong nasilip na bakanteng pwesto. I almost bumped into an innocent car parked before the space I took because I was watching on my side mirror how Cole tucked a stray hair behind Lyka's ear. What the bloody shit. Naiinis na talaga ako. Padabog akong umibis at nagsarado ng pinto.
Palalampasin ko na sana ang pinapakita nila at didiretso na lang sa silid ngunit napako na ang mga paa ko sa daan nang bawasan pa ni Lyka ang distansya ng mukha niya mula kay Cole. She freakin pulled Cole by his neck.
Oh, shit. I am watching, people.
Lyka giggled na nagpapanting sa mga tainga ko.Dahan-dahang tinanggal ni Cole ang pagkakakapit ni Lyka sa kanya at umupo sa tabi niya. Pagka-upo niya ay napatingin siya sa saktong tinatayuan ko. Hindi napansin ni Lyka ang presensya ko dahil nakatuon siya sa kanyang kasama. Agad-agad rumehistro ang gulat sa mukha Cole, tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay bago nagumpisang maglakad palayo. I could feel his stare on my back as I fished my phone and began composing a message.
I miss you so much. Lunch. Brent's Cafeteria.
I sent the message before I could enter the building's lobby. Hindi pa ako nakakarating sa ikalawang palapag ng gusali ay nakatanggap na ako ng sagot.
From: Isagani Alabanza
Be there.
I was silently drumming my fingers on the desk as I waited for my morning classes to end. I was excited for lunch, Brent's Clubhouse Sandwich and Ponta. Time seemed to be dragging slow but I waited... it's something worth waiting for, I'm gonna be an antagonist. Hell yeah? I suppressed an evil smile. Kailangang din matutunan ni Lyka ang kahulugan ng 'back off' and I was kind enough to give her a free lesson. This was going to be a very cliche and childish distraction from thoughts of assassinations and the Chemo Second Phase.
The school bell rung. It's time.
But all my plans vanished into smoke the moment I stepped my foot out the room. I frowned. Mukhang hindi payag ang kapalaran sa binalak ko, gusto ko sanang personal na ipakita kay Isagani ang ginagawa ni Lyka but they were already on the corridor having a not so couple-like stare off, wala pa akong ginagawa. Jeez.
"You can't fool me, you came here to see her!" halos pabalang na sabi ni Lyka, her pointing finger now directly pointing at me---she wasn't aware though. The couples haven't yet perceived I was just a meter away. Nangamba akong makakuha ng pansin ang dalawa---or tatlo. Ngunit parang wala namang paki-alam ang mga estudyanteng nagsisidaan sa pasilyo. Marahil ay nasanay na sa presensiya ni Lyka.
"So what if I came here to see her? Do you have a problem with that?" malamig na sagot ni Isagani. I rolled my eyes. It was like seeing a pathetic movie scene.
"Uhmmmm?" I said. Sabay silang lumingon sa akin at sabay ring nagbago ang pinta ng kanilang mukha. She looked angry, he looked pleased. Law of attraction, different poles attract. "You two are making a scene here. Get a room and talk... because your wife---" I paused for emphasis, "has been behaving like a single woman in public," diretso kong abiso, I wanted to exit the scene as soon as possible. Iningatan ko rin ang lakas ng boses ko para walang makarinig na iba. Nilipat ni Isagani ang tingin niya sa katabi at muling ibinaling sa akin. I guess Isagani knew the implication and complication of my words. He's a public figure... He knew better.
"I didn't know you are having some things here. I came here to talk business related issues with her, wife," may kabagalang sabi ni Isagani habang nakatingin sa akin ngunit ang pinapasaringan ay si Lyka. It was clear to me that he was just glossing over the fact. "Hindi ako maka-pasok sa appointments mo Venice, kaya sinadya kita rito. Mukhang hindi na naman maganda ang timing ko, sa susunod na lang." Naglakad siya palayo at iniwan si Lyka na galit na nakatitig sa akin.
I smirked at her frustrated face. "He'll come back running to me, I thought so..." I loudly mused before I walked away---feeling accomplished.
"What was that?" isang tinig mula sa aking likuran ang nagpabagal ng lakad ko. I looked over my shoulder. "What the fvckn hell was that, Venice?" Cole's voice was angry and distant. Nakita niya ba at narinig ang usapan namin? "Why would you do that to her?" dagdag tanong pa niya ngunit mukhang wala siyang balak ipasagot iyon sa akin dahil nilampasan niya ako sa paglalakad. I stared at his back with slightly opened mouth. Don't tell me he was serious with Lyka kaya ganyan ang inaasta niya ngayon.
"Yeah. What the hell was that?' I fired back. Tss.
"You are acting like your favorite person in the world. Margareth," nakatalikod niyang wika. That slowed down my pace even more... that made my heart sink. He got some thick nerves to tell me something like that when he actually flirted with her. Hindi na siya muling lumingon at tuloy tuloy lang siyang naglakad palayo. Mas mabuti na rin sa pagkakataong ito na hindi siya bumalik because I didn't want him to discover I was left tongue-tied.
Hindi na natanggal sa isipan ko ang nasabi ni Cole hanggang sa lahat ng klase ko sa hapon. I didn't seem to disagree about what he said. Wow, I'd really lost it that time. I shouldn't have done any of what I have done. I guess my being impulsive was getting the best of me.
I heard Mr. Hamilton call my name and I rose from my chair. I was in my Math class, though not really interested. Naglakad ako tungo sa harap upang kunin ang Midterm grade ko. I hissed when I saw red digits on my sheet and I was feeling like a shit right now. I failed Math---by choice.
After class I headed my way to the parking lot. Humangin kapagkuwan at naramdaman ko ang malamig na kagat nito sa aking balat habang mag-isang naglalakad sa grounds ng campus. Nayuyungyungan na ng kulay abong ulap ang kalangitan at hindi ko maiwasang maikumpara ang nararamdaman ko dito. I was in a black and white picture and I was more faded than any part of the photo. I was busy and lost on trying to figure out the deadlier problems when myself needed some saving. Well I just found out I too needed saving. You know that feeling? It was oppressive and depressing. Parang ayaw ko nang maging ako.
Hindi ko napansin na malakas na ang ambon at ako na lang yata ang hindi sumisilong---halos wala nang tao sa paligid. Nagpasya pa rin akong ituloy ang paglalakad. Ilang metro na lang ang layo ko sa aking Ferrari...
Ngunit hindi ko na napaikli pa ang distansya ko mula doon dahil may biglang humawak sa braso, sabay ng isang malakas na tadyak sa sikmura ko. I choke with the impact.
"AAH--" Isang kamay pa ang humawak sa bibig ko nang magumpisa na akong sumigaw. The rain started pouring hard as I was dragged harshly. This was it, I was going to die now. Nanlaban ako ngunit masyadong malakas ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin. It all happened very quickly, a van stopped where we were then the bastard who was gripping me picked me up by my waist and dropped me inside the car. I didn't even feel the pain from hitting the solid interiors of the van because all I could feel was fear.
The guy who dragged me hovered above me pagkatapos niyang isarado ang pinto. Umarangkada ang sasakyan. Doon na ako nakaramdam ng sobra-sobrang takot na ngayon ko lang naramdaman. I have faced guns and even bombs but this was nothing compared to all of my fears combined. But I was sure as hell that I will cross swords for my dear life.
"SHIT! GET OFF ME!!!" I screamed as I put up a fight, as he run his dirty hands on my arm. "HEEEEELP! HE---" nilagay nya ang isang kamay niya sa bibig ko to stop me from screaming. Then the van stopped. Tumalon ang driver papunta sa backseat. Tuluyan na akong humikbi nang may naramdaman akong isang kamay sa binti ko at dumaan iyon patungo sa kanang sapatos ko, dahan-dahan niyang tinatanggal iyon. I couldn't move... I couldn't even kick my legs because a bastard was now sitting astride me. I pounded and slapped until he restrained both of my arms on the van's floor.
I should die now. I should fuckin die now! It was that terrible that I wished for death. I even wished that the world has never been made. What did I do to deserve this, huh?! Was I that evil enough that someone would punish me this great? If only I was stronger to defend myself from these gross bastards. Huwag silang magkakamaling hindi ako patayin dahil pinapangako kong kung nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong mabuhay ay ako mismo ang papaslang sa kanila. I swear that.
It was nightmare, a very bad nightmare. Someone… Oh please… Anyone! Where the fvck was Luisa?! Dana! Zeus… Oh please, kahit sino! Devin...
Where on hell are you, Devin?
Biglang bumukas ang pinto ng van at bumungad sa akin ang puno ng galit na mukha ni Nycholo Sy. Oh God. Oh dear God! Cole... I called his name but no voice came my mouth. I screamed his name one more time. Saglit na rumehistro ang pag-aalala sa mukha ni Cole nang magtama ang mga mata namin at mabilis din iyon napalitan ng nakakatakot na hitsura. I didn't know how he did it but the guy who was taking off my shoes was now slumped on the van's chair. Unconscious and head tilted in a very strange way.
Hinila ni Cole ang lalaking nakapa-ibabaw sa akin and I saw Ella moving frantically into the door to me. It was just now that I realized I wasn't hearing anything... Did I lost my sense of sound? Nakikita ko ang takot na takot na mukha ni Ella habang ibinabangon ako. She was saying something but I can't hear her.
Tears started to fall from her worried eyes when I didn't move and just stayed sitting. Niyakap niya ako nang sobrang higpit kaya naramdaman kong basangbasa siya. Slowly I started hearing her cries.
"You are okay. You are okay..." she whispered between her sobs. "Venice, look at me." Hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at tiningnan ako sa mata. "Nothing. Happened." It was like I was waiting and silently praying that she tell me that. Yeah, nothing worse happened. It just that the fear exceedingly, beyond what I can take, consumed me.
I softly pushed her off me then I got on my feet. Bumaba ako mula sa van at nagpunta sa kinalalagyan ni Cole. My attacker was on the ground at walang awang pinapaulanan ng kamao ni Cole. I shoved Cole away from hovering him.
Sa galit ko sinumulan ko siyang tadyakan sa iba't ibang parte ng kanyang duguang katawan.
"You mthr fckr son of a fckng mthr bitch!!! Die!" I screamed against the rain as I kick him to death. I booted him with no pity. Tutal nasa likurang bahagi kami ng paaralan kaya walang ibang mata ang makakakita sa akin sa unang krimen na gagawin ko. I won’t be giving the Police the fortune to punish these devils. My justice will be served by me. Tumigil ako at kinapkapan siya. I was right, he brought a gun. A gun that will finish his own life. Ikinasa ko agad ang baril at itinuro ito sa kanya. My fingers were shaking as I touched the trigger.
Before I could totally unleash my awoken demon Cole's strong arms suddenly wrapped around me from behind, stopping me from killing the monster on the mud.
+++