"You can't stay here anymore." A soft voice said from the doorway as I rocked little Michael in my arms. I look up and I saw my adopted mother standing the door way. She was wearing the soft blue pantsuit she was wearing when I last saw her. Her pearls around her neck. My heart thumped in my chest and swallowed hard as I looked at her.
"Mom?" I ask, my voice tight as I stood. I held Michael close to my chest as I walked over to her.
"You can't stay here, darling. You have to go back." She repeats and I swallow, shaking my head.
"No, no. I can't go back. Why can't I stay here with you and dad and Michael?" I question her and she shakes her head. Her eyes are filled with tears as I grow near.
"It's not your time. You have to go back." She tells me once more. My mother looks sad as she tells me. Tears fill my eyes as the thought of leaving Michael fills my head. I shake my head, the tears slipping out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
"No. I can't go back. Please let me stay. Please, Mommy." I beg, looking at Michael and then her. I couldn't go back. Not now. It felt like I've never been without my tiny little son with his brown hair like his father's and my eyes.
"You'll come back eventually, but not now. Please baby." Mom tells me, tears rolling down her perfectly done up face. She reaches out and cups my cheek, "He'll be here when you come back."
"I can't leave him again, please." I manage to get out. She shakes her head.
"You have to leave, my sweetheart. I love you." Mom leans foreword and kisses my forehead-
I woke up alone in a hospital room. It was dismal and cold. I gasped out. I was empty once more and gone from my grasp was my son.
I wasn't fucking successful.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't even kill myself. That means Tony found me like that. God, I am a shitty person. I wasn't allowed to wallow in self pity for long. Tony soon walked in and when his eyes settled on me, I felt so damn guilty. He looked away and called for some doctors and nurses. My brother doesn't talk to me until all the doctors have left the room.
-
Three Months Later
Recovery was a pain in the ass, I'll tell you that. It included therapy sessions, the close eye of my teammates, and a move from the Tower to the base upstate. I didn't mind. I'd do anything for Tony at this point. My suicide attempt had terrified my dear brother. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, so I worked with him on this. It was the least I could do.
The base upstate wasn't half bad. It was state of the art, better than SHIELD.
And it had a kick ass gym.
That's where I was now, my fists pummeling a defenseless punching back. Sweat dropped down my back. I had foregone my tank top already, since I was already too hot. This had become a nightly occurrence for me if I couldn't sleep. I sneak down to the gym and attack a punching bag until I was exhausted. According to Sam, it was the Steve Rogers method.
They have all been watching over me since I got here, making sure I was okay. I was still weary of Natasha and Wanda, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. It was the least important thing that was going on in my life.
"Shouldn't you be asleep, Pey?" Steve calls out, pulling me out of my thoughts and punches. I mutter a soft "fuck" as I realize that scars are on display right out in the open. I manage to maneuver myself around so the punching back is hiding me.
"Shouldn't you, Rogers? Can't be getting mad at me for not sleeping if you aren't sleeping." I fire back, stopping the back from swinging.
"I slept for seventy years, doll. I'm okay in that area." I can practically heat the smile in his voice as he walks closer. The thought of him seeing my scars worries me. I've gotten better in many ways, but I still wasn't comfortable with showing my scars. Not even Tony has seen them. Matt had only felt them. Dr.Cho was one of the only people who have seen the scars in full. The feminist side of me says that I shouldn't care what others think of my scars, but the other side of me wants to keep it hidden forever.
"Seems like a bad excuse to me, Cap." I respond and he chuckles as he stands on the other side of the punching bag.
"You're dancing around the the subject." He retorts and it makes me smile as I pop my head out to look at him.
"I'm just working out, Stevie boy. Can't work out now?" I ask with a smirk and he shakes his head.
"Nope, no ma'am. Not after ten at night." He smiles at me and I shake my head.
"Damn, Rogers. You're really going to do me like that? I'm hurt." I respond, which makes Steve chuckle again. My heart flutters slightly when he laughs like that.
"Sorry Pey. You need your rest." Steve tells me, his hands holding the punching bag. His face has grown serious.
"I'm perfectly okay." I tell him and he gives me that Captain America look.
"I think you forget that our rooms are right next to each other. I can recognize when someone wakes up screaming from a nightmare pretty easily." Steve says almost sternly in response. I press my lips together, the smile disappearing.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You know for someone who lies for a living, sometimes you suck at it." Steve immediately fire back. I shake my head, moving around the bag to walk over to my things.
"Are you really here to yell at me, Rogers?" I ask, bending over and grabbing my shirt. I quickly pull it on, hiding the scars.
"No I'm not here to-I'm just worried, okay?" I can hear his footsteps coming near. I turn around to look at him, my arms crossed in front of me.
"I understand you're worried, but I'm fine Rogers. Perfectly fine." I say with a smile, trying to appease him. Rogers doesn't take the bait and instead shakes his head.
"How many times this week have you not woken up because of a nightmare?" Steve asks and I slip into silence. That's another thing that I haven't been able to fix with help of my therapist and psychiatrist m. The nightmares were back in full force. They had returned when I was resting at the mansion and I think it could be because I now had an empty bed. I never got nightmares when I was sleeping next to him. That sucked, especially since I was with him anymore.
"Not one, Steve. What about you, huh?" I snap back at him, immediately regretting my tone. I sigh. Steve takes a few steps closer to me, the look on his face softening.
"Are you okay, doll?" Steve asks, his voice a lot softer. I start unwrapping my hands, which draws Steve's attention, "Jesus, Pey. How long have you been at this?" I looked down at my knuckles, which were all bruised and bloody.
"Not long- Just please, Steve." I say, pleading as he holds my hands in his in order to look at my knuckles. Butterflies flutter in my stomach.
"Are you okay, Pey?" He asks me again. I swallow and look up at him.
"I'm fine, Stevie, okay? I'm fine." I murmur softly as he looks at me, concern written all over his face. His thumbs carefully run over my knuckles.
"You sure?" He asks one more time and I nod. I don't know if I moved closer or if he did, but we were close to one another. I looked up at him.
"Positive." I say softly. His eyes look down to my lips quickly before looking back up. Steve reaches up, letting go of one of my hands to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I gulp as I look up into those beautiful big blue eyes. His hand stayed on my face.
I didn't know who moved first, but all I knew was that within moments, his lips were on my lips. My hand moved to cup his face as I deepen the kiss, stepping closer to him. Steve puts his other hand on the small of my back. My hand slips into his hair.
"I've wanted to do that since I first met you." Steve says when we finally pull apart. A blush covers his cheeks. I giggle escape my lips and he kisses me again, pulling me closer.
-
I, being the adult I am, decided that the best thing to do would be to formally sit down with Matt to talk to him. It was a few weeks after that kiss with Steve and I had finally gotten my feelings in order. When I had seen Matt kiss Karen, it had been August. Now it was December. I didn't make this long trip to the city for nothing however: tomorrow Tony and I would be visiting our parents. I stood up when Matt walked over in the quiet section of some fancy restaurant. Even though he couldn't see, I had dressed up to the nines and I did it all for me.
"Hello Matt. Thanks for joining me." I say with a smile as I sit down. I stir the stir stick in my Shirley temple absent mindedly as I looked at the man across from me.
"No problem, Pey. What did you want to talk about?" He asks as he sits down. Matt folds up his cane and unbuttons his jacket. There's still some cuts on his face that are in the process of healing. He has been busy. Taking care of the Punisher and the Hand. While I might've been focusing on me and then Steve, I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't keeping up on the doings of Daredevil.
"Well for one, I'm glad you aren't dead." I say with a smile, sipping my Shirley Temple. He chuckles as the waiter sets down a beer in front of him.
"And I'm glad you aren't dead too." Matt responds before drinking some of his beer. No one knew about my overdose other than my teammates and I planned to keep it that way.
"I didn't really invite you here to a have a sweet, heartfelt conversation. I don't think our relationship is going to workout anymore." I tell him, ripping off the bandaid. He swallows loudly.
"Pey-"
"Matt, I was gone for a month and you were all over Karen. I just don't think we love each other as much as we used to. I love you, I'm just not in love with you." I let the word vomit pour out. Matt nods.
"I'm sorry for hurting you. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you." Matt responds and I smile, nodding. And that's how our story ends. It isn't as chaotic or as messy as the end of Clint and I's story. We end it on good terms.
My life had changed dramatically within three years. The man in front of me, I had loved him so fiercely. He had owned my heart for a while. I had seen myself with Matt Murdock for the long run, but that was all gone. He was the father of my son. A part of my heart will always be claimed by Matthew Michael Murdock, but we didn't belong to each other anymore and that's okay. People grow apart and that's okay.
-
Tony and I walked side by side as we entered the cemetery. He held the roses in one hand as we walked together. It was freezing. Snow covered the graves, which made it difficult for me to walk to mom and dad in my heels. Once again I was wearing a modest black dress, with a black coat covering it. Her pearls were around my neck and lips were covered in red lipstick. Tony was dressed in a clean black suit with a thicker coat covering it.
"Matt take it well?" Tony asks me and I nod, looking at my brother through my sunglasses.
"As well as I expected him to."
"So is Steve really coming over for Christmas?" Tony complains as we get to our parents' graves. I warm up my hand and wipe away at the snow covering the marble headstone.
"Yes."
"Do you really like him?" Tony asks me, turning to look at me fully. I kneel in the ground, the snow melting as my skin hits it. Tony hands my the flowers and I place them before the grave.
"I do and Dad already knew him, so I'm good in that area too." I turn my head to fully look at my brother, smiling. Tony rolls his eyes, patting my back.
"Your taste in men never ceases to amaze me, little sister."
"That's a weird thing to say, but okay."