" I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious. Afraid to be alone again, I hate this. I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh. Is there somebody who could. Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up No medicine is strong enough, Someone help me, I'm crawling in my skin, Sometimes I feel like giving up, But I just can't. It isn't in my blood. "
- Shawn Mendes
( In My Blood )
KAI COACHMAN
[February 18th 2007]
"Come here you guys," I turn my head as I hear my fathers voice and see him walk through the door, closing it behind him as he holds a briefcase.
My face brightens automatically and I drop my toy cars as I race over to him. Before I can squeeze his legs in a hug as I was six and didn't reach that tall, Lyndon intercepts me and she hugs dad tightly, a smile on her face. I pout in jealously and watch a grin spread across my dads face as he scoops my younger sister in his arms.
Dad chuckles seeing my expression and he lifts me up as well. While he juggled Lyndon in his left arms, I was in his right. He began to shower us in kisses causing my sister to burst into giggles while I gagged in mock disgust. I acted as if I didn't like it when he showered us in affection when really, I loved it.
My dad was tall, a complete giant in my eyes but ma told me he was only 6'2. He had big muscles, his arms always hard allowing him to pick us up easily as well as anything else ma and us weren't strong enough to lift. He was a complete superhero in my eyes with the way he helped others and us whenever we needed him.
Ma appeared, poking her head out of the kitchen and smiling instantly when her eyes met dad. They always held this gaze whenever they looked at each other that I didn't understand but it warmed my heart and it made me bubbly. I knew they liked each other a lot and made each other very happy.
Dad drops us and I reach up, desperately trying to take his big black briefcase in my hands. He sees me and bends down onto one knee, holding out the item to me.
"Careful, it's heavy Kaiden," he tells me and I nod quickly, taking the bag into my hands.
It weighs me down and I almost fall but dad catches me and I hear the loud laugh that leaves his mouth. I blush silently and grumble to myself as I run away from him and to ma. She bends down to peck a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"Y'all want cookies?" Ma asks and my eyes brighten as I look up at her.
"Yes!" Lyndon and I say at the same time.
I rush into the kitchen.
"Wait for me!" I hear Lyndon say behind me and I stop running to wait for her.
She appears beside me and smiles, showing her missing two front teeth. I laugh and she frowns, shoving my arm slightly.
"Don't lauff at me," she frowns deeper and I can't help but laugh even harder at the way she pronounced, 'laugh.'
"You're talkin' funny, I can't help it," I laugh even more and tears begin to brim in her eyes.
I panic, hearing ma and dads footsteps grow closer to the kitchen. I grab Lyndon, hugging her tightly to me and trying to quiet her down but it doesn't work and she's even louder now.
"Lyndon—" I begin.
"Is that my baby girl I hear crying?" I hear my dads voice as he turns and enters the kitchen.
Lyndon shoves me away and rushes over to dad quickly. He picks her up and Lyndon continues crying but this time points an accusing finger at me.
"Kaiden makin' fun of me," she pouts.
Ma is beside dad as she walks towards me, dusting the flour off on her baby blue apron. She bends down to my height, frowning slightly.
"Now what did I say about making girls cry," mom scolds lightly.
Ma always wanted it to stay engraved in my mind that it was wrong to make girls cry. She liked to reprimand me that girls were to be treasured as if they were secret gems. It was hard to find good ones and easy to spot the spoiled ones so when I find that good gem, never let it go is what she'd tell me.
"I'm sorry, ma," I mumble, bowing my head slightly.
"Now don't seclude it to just girls, Kyra," dad looks at ma briefly before looking down at me, "don't make anyone cry, male or female."
I nod instantly.
Ma smiles at dad with admiration briefly and dad watches ma as she turns and grabs her freshly baked cookies but dad looked at ma as if she was his favorite toy car in the whole entire world.
I want to look at someone like that one day.
"Let's watch a movie while we eat these cookies, okay?" Ma says and I cheer, rushing to the living room.
Lyndon appears soon after and we both dive onto the couch, picking up the blanket thats draped over the arm of the couch, and tossing it over us. I pull Lyndon close and she smiles at me and I try not to laugh at her missing two front teeth. Instead, I smile back down at her.
Ma enters the room and lays the cookies on the coffee table. She takes two and hands one over to Lyndon and I. We munch on them in delight because her cookies were the best and only thing she could successfully make, no offense.
Dad was the best cook in the house. He made nearly everything for us because he was great at everything. My favorite thing of his was his jerk chicken. He was Jamaican and ma was from New Orleans. I remember ma telling me how dad was vacationing and he met her coincidentally and they fell, 'in love.' I didn't really know what love was so I just nodded my head as if I understood.
"Leave no crumbs," ma scolds us.
"Yes, ma," I replied while Lyndon remained silent and I knew she was drifting asleep.
Her head was on my shoulder but it was slowly slipping off. I didn't want her to hurt herself so I gently lifted her head and laid her on my lap. I turn and see my dad enter the living room, smiling widely at me and my actions.
Ma sat at my right and dad sat beside her.
"Just like that. Make sure you protect your sister just like that," dad tells me, leaning over to ruffle my curly hair that was always messy at the time because brushing through it hurt a lot.
I smile and look at him, nodding quickly.
"Pinky promise," he holds out his pinky.
"Promise," I say excitedly and lock my pinky with his.
[December 19th, 2007]
We were constantly going in and out of the hospital.
I didn't understand why dad wasn't allowed to come home but I hated it. The snow started falling for the first time this year and dad was in the hospital so I spent the time watching the snowflakes with Lyndon and Ma who was intent on cheering us up.
She smiled but her smile didn't look the same as it did before. She wasn't baking like she was before and we had to order pizza so often, there was always a pile of pizza boxes near our trash. I loved the pizza at first but I wanted dad to come back home.
I miss him so much but when I brought it up Ma would get sad and I didn't want her to be sad so I stopped asking when dad would come home.
It was the morning of the twentieth that ma got a call. We were eating oatmeal that tasted disgusting but I didn't complain and urged for Lyndon to not complain either, though she showed her disgust, not on purpose but she couldn't control her facial expressions.
Ma dropped her flip phone and I watched as her face dropped and slowly tears began to fall. I stood up quickly and rushed over to her, tugging on her apron.
"Ma, what happened? What is it?" I pulled against her apron harder.
In that moment something stirred to life in my stomach. It was dread.
Ma didn't say anything but she wiped her face from the tears that fell and she tried to walk but her knees buckled under her and she collapsed. I gasped and tried to help her up but it was as if she weighed bricks. I could hear Lyndon crying in her seat and I knew how confused and worried she was but she didn't know what to do but to sit there and ball her eyes out.
I shook ma and allowed tears to fall from my eyes as I tried to get her up but she trembled hopelessly on the floor.
The doorbell rang repeatedly and I watched as ma turned her head to look at me.
"Get the door," she whispered brokenly and my heart felt like it was breaking into two.
I didn't know why she was in such distress and I didn't want to leave her so I stood and pulled Lyndon up. She was still crying but I took her to ma and watched as ma and her cried together.
I walked out of the kitchen, wiping my face as I carried myself to the front door. When I opened the door I saw uncle Jim, dads brother. He looked down at me wearing a frown, his eyes red as if he's been crying.
"Why is everyone sad?" I whimpered, my bottom lip trembling.
He bit his lip and bent down to pull me into a hug. He lifted me up and walked into the kitchen, he saw ma holding Lyndon tightly to her as if afraid Lyndon would disappear magically.
Jim frowned and dropped me, walking over to ma and lifting her off the floor. He supported her as they enter the living room, Lyndon and I followed cluelessly. Jim hugged ma to him tightly, comforting her the best he could but he looked like he was breaking down just as badly.
It was the twenty-third when I found out why ma and uncle Jim were so sad.
Dad died December 19th at 3:47 a.m due to a stoke.
He was fine as the nurses said when they checked up on him so they said it was weird that they weren't able to predict this.
His funeral was tomorrow, on Christmas Eve.
I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried so much, I felt every single ounce of me want to whither into nothing.
Dad was my superhero and superheroes didn't die so why did he go?
I couldn't stand it but whenever Lyndon came around and it looked as if she wanted to ball her eyes out because ma wasn't acting the same, I'd put a smile on my face and act like I was okay and comforted her to the best of my ability until she had either began smiling or fallen asleep from crying too hard.
Christmas would never be the same.
[March 25th, 2010]
It's been two months since ma remarried a guy named Darren.
I'm not sure how the two met but it was hard to adjust to him. I wanted to resent ma for remarrying someone because it felt like she didn't care that dad was dead but I knew that wasn't the case. Ma had mourned day by day so if this Darren guy made her happy then so be it.
I was nine and Lyndon was eight and we became even closer so I made it my job to protect her from any and everything like dad told me to before he passed. I would take care of her with everything in me because I cared for Lyndon and I made a promise to dad and I'd never break that promise.
The problem with Darren is, in the beginning he'd go to work and all but later I heard him tell ma that he lost his job. Ma was sympathetic and she took up more shifts as a nurse which meant she was out working every single day and she wouldn't even spend nights with us anymore.
Ma wasn't the same as she was before; she was a completely different person and that made me feel sad. I hardly ever saw her but when I did, she was always sad and she looked so tired and irritated.
Ma was gone but Darren was here and he was drinking beer.
I saw that this was his ninth beer and I scowled as I looked down at the floor. Darren countlessly promised he was trying to get another job but he was here drinking alcohol. I hated it but I didn't say anything.
Darren dropped his beer on the floor, typing away at his smart phone that ma paid for.
Lyndon was rushing over to me and wasn't watching where she was going, she ended up knocking over the beer bottle Darren put on the floor. There was now a mess on the hard wood floor and Darren scowled as anger overtook him. That was his last bottle.
"You dumb bitch!" He roared in slurred irritation as he stood and grabbed Lyndon by her hair.
He yanked her backwards and Lyndon cried out as tears began to sting her eyes. My eyes widened and I rush over and bite harshly on Darren's hand. He yells out in pain and releases her. I grab Lyndon and hold her close to me as I glare hatefully at him.
"You kids need to be taught a motherfucking lesson," he said gruffly.
I hold Lyndon even tighter to me and yell out, "leave us alone!"
Darren is big, not as big as my dad was but he was big and I was scared. Adrenaline pumped through me but I held Lyndon tighter to me. It felt like my attempt was useless as he rips Lyndon away from me and slams her into a wall. She whimpers in pain and tears sting my eyes.
"Stop!" I yell and grab his hand as if that would get him to stop but my actions backfire instantly as he rams his fist into my stomach.
I cry out in pain and fall, watching as he grabs Lyndon and punches her in the face. He attacks her violently, punch after punch. There are bruises forming all over her and I cry out weakly for him to stop but he doesn't. I crawl over but half way there, pain shoots through me and I realize he'd kicked me in the rib. I felt the air leave my lungs as I release a choked sob.
"Please," I whimpered.
I closed my eyes and willed for this all to stop,
To end. But I also wished I had my dad back to protect Lyndon and I and stop this man who was only a villain in my eyes.
It was thirty minutes till he stopped and he went back to relaxing on the couch. Our cries were nothing to him and when ma got home, Darren told her I was attacking Lyndon and so Darren had to get violent in order to stop me.
Ma was furious and looked at me with such disappointment and disgust that I felt my insides ripping into pieces. She looked at me with hate and that made me feel like nothing.
I felt like dying.
Darren continued to abuse us every single chance he got ever since then. He hurt Lyndon way more than he hurt me so there was always a new bruise on her. I cried every time I'd see her limp away from her recent beating. I'd see her cry every time she'd see ma yell at me and scold me for 'beating' Lyndon. I would've hated ma who never took into consideration that I wasn't strong enough to beat Lyndon up to the point where she couldn't even walk but I couldn't because she was the only blood mother I had.
I wanted to kill myself every time Darren would spit out my name with such venom, with such a mocking tone. He would patronize us both, our names coming out of his mouth felt like acid burning our skin.
I couldn't stand it.
I tried to end my life September 12th but Lyndon took the knife away from me and she cried as she held me to her and told me she loved me and didn't want me to leave her. She said we had to suffer together but she was the one going through all the pain so I felt guilty because I was breaking the promise I made to dad. I wasn't protecting her.
I was useless. I was nothing.
For a year I suffered along with Lyndon until things changed.
[July 8th, 2012]
Lyndon and I hugged each other tightly as we watched the police man put handcuffs onto Darren.
Jenny Wilson, the next door neighbor and the mother of Pat Wilson who was my age, rushed into the house and enveloped us in a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry," she said with sadness, "we heard your screams yesterday and knew something was wrong."
I couldn't say anything but I felt grateful towards this woman as she comforted us, something I haven't felt in years. Lyndon shook, her bruises hurting her and Jenny immediately backed away and looked at Lyndon with pity as tears filled her eyes.
"Kaiden! Lyndon!" I hear ma call out as she rushes past the police.
I watch as her eyes catch Darren and scowling with tears in her eyes, she slaps Darren so hard his head turns and there's a red handprint on his cheeks. Ma's glare lingers on him before she removes her eyes off of him and rushes to us. She reaches to touch me but I flinch and move away. Her eyes hold hurt but I didn't want her to touch me.
Tears fill her eyes and regret clouds her expression.
"I'm so sorry," she says brokenly.
I knew the stress of day by day and night by night work stressed her out to the point where she couldn't decipher whether or not Darren was lying to her about the abuse that went on. I knew she never meant to hurt us but I felt so much betrayal knowing she was the one person in this world who was supposed to protect Lyn and I but she failed to do so.
"Kaiden—"
"Don't call me that," I spat out.
It was at that moment that I knew I wouldn't be able to hear my full name without the feeling of hate, betrayal, sadness and anger filling me. I wouldn't be able to hear my full name without memories of Darren flashing through my mind. And I wouldn't be able to hear my full name without images of my broken little sister calling out to me as she was beat till she was unconscious floating in my mind.
I would never be Kaiden again.
Let me be so real with you guys, I nearly cried writing that. I wanted to lessen it all but I knew I had to be 100% with what Kai went through but that didn't make writing it any less sad.
It makes me so sad that things like Kai's past are a reality for some.
Whatever issues you all may be going through, there's always a silver lining. I'd say you can talk to me but I'm shit at comforting people lol, but there are people out there who will listen to your problems.
Happy (late) Thanksgiving! (For those who celebrate it as well.)
~xoxo, Babybird.