Death.
Some people can accept death as fate and the cycle of the life given to them. Others do whatever they can to live out their final days or even to cheat death. An Assassin must live knowing that any moment could be their last. That was our way. I was beginning to understand that but then...I have to question the gods. If it was our fate as the ones who survived the trials to become the Assassin then why take Lexi away so soon. What was the lesson there? Who was it for?
"Justine."
I didn't look at him. I stared blankly at my reflection. I knew she was going to die. There was nothing I could do to change it. He could have changed it. He could have prevented this. And he didn't. I heard a brief growl before I felt him kneel next to me. I slowly turned and looked at my man, my mate and all I could feel was disgust, anger and hurt. I could still see Lena pull him in to kiss her. And he let her. "Stop," he said sternly. "I moved."
"It shouldn't have happened," I said quietly. "You should have been with me, Joel. You should have listened to me."
He opened his mouth but I looked away. Why didn't he listen to me? "I made a choice based on what could happen, Justine. If Lena died, Gary would turn swords on my family. On you," he pushed. "Can you honestly say that if it was you in place of Lexi that I would have picked Lena?"
"I don't know."
He snarled at me.
"I thought I could honestly say that you would never make a choice without consulting me but you did anyway," I continued standing up. I started walking towards my bathroom with Joel firmly on my heels. He made a choice without his Airen, his mate. There was no possible reasoning I could think of that could excuse the action. "I couldn't, Justine! You would have been ruled by your emotions!" He shouted at me. "If I included you in that choice you would have chosen Lexi regardless of the fact that Lena would die."
"Maybe she NEEDS to!" I shouted back. The rage I felt started to bubble to the surface. If what he was doing was to protect me and the family he should have consulted me so we could have had a plan that got both of them out. "Lexi died protecting me! She took a bullet for me! I feel like when it comes to Lena...I don't know you, Joel."
"No."
"I'm supposed to come before her and I didn't. Neither did Lexi," I said in a softer voice. Joel's expression turned from anger to fear. Fear of what? What could this powerful and strong man be afraid of? Joel wasn't ready for me. He wasn't ready for a mate. Not as long as he rushes to the side of the woman who broke him for centuries. For the first time in days I looked Joel in his eyes and felt his fear in the pit of my stomach. I saw the pleading in his eyes to not say what I was feeling to say. "I...Justine I'm still new to this. I've fucked up in a way I can't fix. I can't go back," he took two long strides to stand in front of me. "I can only ask for forgiveness and for you to allow me to make it right."
"You want to make this right?"
"More than anything, Sweetness."
Do it. "Then let me go," I whispered. I watched the color drain from Joel's face and felt my heart break. A life without Joel isn't what I wanted but I wasn't about to share this man either. Either he is mine or he isn't. Joel ran his hands through his hair frantically, looking around the room for something. A life line? Something to convince me to-?
"I can't," he said in the smallest voice. "I can't just let you walk away, Justine, you know that."
"I need you to let me go stay with Duchess," I recovered. "Away from you for a while."
Joel paused and looked at me. What he was feeling now is how I felt for months of seeing Lena attach herself to him. He always gave me reassurance but now I will always have a reminder of when he chose her first. I can't stand to be near him right now. But you can't be away from him either. Staying with Duchess gives him hope. Maybe he will really work for us. "You are going to stay with my aunt?"
I nodded.
"Away from me?"
I nodded again. "Yes. I need to be away from you," I said. "You have to make a choice, Joel and I feel having me in arms distance makes you too comfortable. You say you don't want her but you aren't cutting her out of your life either. She's not an Assassin. She is the daughter of a man who holds a seat on the council and shouldn't have apart of our world."
"I DONT CARE ABOUT HER!" he roared. "My mate, no my woman is about to move out and is demanding I give her space! FUCK Lena right now!"
Tears fell down my cheeks as every emotion he felt hit me like the kickback of a gun. Joel reached his hands up to grab my face when I heard a light tap on my bedroom door. My head turned slightly to the sound and Joel growled. I looked back into those beautiful grey eyes and felt my heart constrict. I don't want to do this but I have to. "That is Raoul," I whispered.
"You are leaving now..." his eyes widened at the reality of the situation. I had already spoken to Elizabeth about my choice and was sure she told Eric and the others. I wanted to be settled at Dragon's Keep before Lexi's funeral. I nodded looking down at my shoes. "This is my choice, Joel. I didn't consult you just like you didn't with me," I said.
"Baby..."
"If you want me, if you want us, you will show me. I am choosing to leave your side so you can decide who you really want there," I wiped away a stray tear. Even if it hurts me in the process.
"I...I'm going to come see you," he said quietly. "Everyday."
I moved back, turning my back to him as I picked up my last bag and cellphone. "Maybe you should start that after the funeral," I said.
I didn't look back at him. It would have weakened me and I needed all the strength I could muster otherwise I would run back into those arms. Into his bed where we whispered confessions of everything except what I knew we both felt. Something we both wouldn't say to each other because the feeling is so much strong than that simple statement. I opened my bedroom door and nodded at Raoul who took my bag and led me out of the mansion.
•••
"Knock, knock."
I looked up from my last suitcase and smiled as Cherine, Staci, Mitchie and Jude walked into my room. Its been about a week since I left the Mason mansion and I hadn't heard a word from anyone. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear as Cherine walked up to me, pulling me into a hug. I looked behind her at Mitchie and Jude who just smiled at me. "I've missed you guys," I said. Cherine pulled away smiling.
"I know that you need space from my dumbass brother but you could have come to dinner on Sunday you know," she scolded. I did get a text from Elizabeth about Sunday dinner but that didn't seem like the best course of action. My leaving Joel was still fresh and if I saw him again.
He would convince you to go back to him. To go back home.
I motioned for them to follow me to the balcony where I had lunch set up for us. After letting them sit first I sat down and watched Staci open one of the bottles of wine sitting on the table. The burning need to know how Joel was nudged at me but I felt it would be better to wait until one of them bought it up. A hand reached out and grabbed mine, squeezing it softly. I looked up at a concerned Jude, "How are you being here...alone?"
I let out a steady breath as I looked at each girl sitting around the table and nodded, "Well I stopped crying after the third day."
"Progress," Mitchie smiled.
"How have you been sleeping?" Staci asked motioning for me to hand her my glass.
"It's hard to sleep. I see her every night and if I don't see her-"
"You see Joel," Jude finished for me. I nodded. Staci and Cherine looked at each other then back at me, "You haven't heard from him either?"
Either? We all turned to Staci and Cherine and I felt my heart drop in my stomach. "You haven't heard from him?" I asked quietly.
They shook their heads.
"I think he called mom to see if you were going to show up to dinner but when she told him that you weren't coming he hung up," Staci explained. "Your leaving did what you wanted, Justine. Don't feel guilty."
"I pushed away my mate-"
"After he made a choice that resulted in the death of one of our own," Staci held up a hand to stop me. "Even if he was protecting us from the wrath of the council, he had a choice and he made the wrong one."
That's how I felt the day I left. I cleared my throat as the servants started to bring out the food, "Lexi's funeral is tomorrow."
They nodded. I was more ready now then I would have been a week ago. I never was good with funerals to begin with and this was going to be the hardest. I was in charge of lighting her lantern. "They already engraved her name on that large tablet thingy," Mitchie said. "I personally don't think a funeral is a way of remembering Lex."
"No," Jude agreed. "She would probably sit next to us and complain about how someone's outfit looks and the overdramatic people who were crying."
I smiled. Lexi was a gem in her own way. The ice breaker of the group. I didn't want to attend the funeral at first but I was there for her in the end and I need to send her off right. It would be my last objective for her. Glancing over at Staci, she smiled at my unsaid thought and nodded. "He will be there. He made that clear when we told him the date," she said confidently. I let out a sigh of relief.
"I put the blame solely on him and it wasn't right of me," I said.
"No, however he played a role," Cherine said. "Lena is responsible for breaking protocol."
Mitchie glared at her glass, "Shouldn't there be a punishment? Something done for that like how people get charged for negligence or endangerment. We do have laws."
I paused and looked at Staci, who's eyes widened. "Could...could Lena be charged for Lena's death?" I asked.
Cherine leaned back in her seat, "Not to the degree of execution but yeah. She could be charged with something. I'll have mom look into it."
Jude tapped me and smiled, "Eat. Joel would have our asses if you weren't eating properly. We will deal with that later."
I returned the smile and decided to change the subject.
•••
Death.
Something that takes away in an instant that took nine months to create. I read books and heard stories about what death was like. What it was like to cheat it or to see until the very end. Some people reported seeing in that final moment their entire life as if it was a movie reel. Others talked about a light and a warm embrace. Then darkness. But what about the people that death touched? The loved ones who mourned the dead. How do you move on from something like that?
I fidgeted with a stray string off my sash as I tuned out the pastor residing over Lexi's funeral. Black was the color to mourn the dead in the human world. For assassins, for Atlanteans, the color was blue. We were sons and daughters of the sea, born of it's strength, power and beauty. Or so the old man said. An assassin's funeral is held on a beach in the dead of the night because we still must live in shadows to the world. In other words, Lexi never existed beyond the Underground.
I glanced to my left to see her family huddled together in their seats. Her mother held a blank expression as she looked out at the sea. Her father clung to their other children as their shoulders shook in grief. To outlive and bury a child bought into the world was never an easy thing, at least that's what mourning parents usually say. But for Lexi's parents, it was like the sea gave them the strength they needed. To say goodbye to their daughter one last time. "Are you cold?"
I turned to my right and looking at me curiously was Devlin, Mitchie, Jude and Thomas. It was Thomas who was sitting directly next to me who asked the question. I shook my head. "I don't feel anything but sadness," I whispered. "I can't remember the last time I mourned someone who was directly close to me."
"With our job more deaths will follow," Thomas said quietly turning his head forward. We were seated in the first row on the right side of the ceremony. Lexi's family on the left and the surrounding factions spread out. I didn't need to look around to feel when the Masons had arrived. More importantly, when Joel arrived. I felt his gaze on me and it was enough to keep my eyes forward. Though I wanted to speak to him now wasn't the time. Right now it was about Lexi.
"Lexi's mother will now come read her eulogy," the pastor announced. "While First Lieutenant Ryder comes to light the lantern."
Thomas squeezed my hand as my back straightened. "Do you still want me to go with you?" he asked. "Maybe Mitchie or Jude-"
I stood up quietly and in unison and out of a strange respect, everyone around me also stood. That was the first time I allowed myself to look at the Masons. To look at Joel. He looked directly into my eyes and slowly nodded. I didn't need anyone to go up there with me. I would not be seen as weak in front of everyone else. Turning away, I lifted the front of my dress and walked towards the front. A pyre was constructed and on it was urn. It was a deep blue color with her name and life in graved on it. During these ceremonies the body was to be burned after everything was said. Her father demanded it be done before to spare her siblings. The sand under my feet felt like it was pulling me into the earth as the pastor handed me the parts of the lantern. As her mother spoke, I lit Lexi's candle and said my own prayer for my friend. Lexi was one of us. She was stronger than most and a true friend. I hadn't realized my hands were shaking until a larger pair covered them. I looked up into the grey eyes I had always found comfort in and something in me begun to snap. When I started to pull away I saw something from the corner of my eye that I never thought I would see again. Lexi.
"Don't break," Joel whispered. "You can do this."
Lexi moved closer, looking up at Joel and then turning to smile at me. She nodded. I picked up the top piece of the lantern and cover the candle slowly before lifting up the whole thing. Lexi's mother nodded at me and I started the way to the shoreline with Joel close behind me.
So this is it.
I looked next to me at Lexi who stared out at the ocean. I bit my lip, "I'm so sorry, Lex."
She gave me a look that only she could pull off then glanced behind me. He's a fucking idiot but he's yours. I don't blame him for what happened to me and neither should you. Lexi smirked. Not fully anyway.
I looked back at Joel as well and his eyes stayed trained on me. Lexi stopped next to me as I stood on the shoreline and looked down at the lantern. "What now?" I asked.
I read something about reincarnation. Only a matter of where they drop me, yeah? Lexi turned and smiled at me. I can't come back until you let me go, Jus.
The tears that threatened to spill over finally did. It should have been me. This should have been me. It could have been if it wasn't for Lexi. I let out a shaky breath and nodded to nothing. I had to let her go. For her family and for me. "Lieutenant?" her mother said touching my shoulder. My back straightened and watched Lexi walk into the water.
"For you. My friend, my ally, the warrior. Your death will never be forgotten," I said in a loud voice. "Retesssoolteya eelanaal pehessohlodaless, maalyoh xiahreteelaesspat (Rest in peace, my friend.)"
I released Lexi's lantern, watching it touch the water gently before floating higher. A choking sound next to me told me her mother finally broke. That this was her final goodbye to her daughter. Hands slid around my waist and pulled me against them, the warmth battling the cold air that blew as the sun's rays kissed the surface of the sea. Lexi gave me one last look before walking away into nothing. My tears spilled faster as the grip I was in tightened and I felt his lips press against the side of my head. Something I would never expect Joel to do especially in front of all these people.
"When did you learn to speak Kamaal?" He asked sounding amused.
My lips tilted up a bit, "I read a lot."
"Justine-"
"I want to talk later," I said turning away from the lantern's float. "We need to talk."
Joel nodded and started to guide me back towards the others. Elizabeth walked forward, wrapping me in her arms tightly before moving back. "We are throwing a party at the mansion for Lexi. Her parent's request," she said quietly while looking behind me. "I expect both of you there."
I gave a stiff nod, walking away from them and towards Thomas and the others. They bowed their heads slightly and fell in behind me as we walked to Thomas's car. The party should have been the funeral. Lexi would have liked that more. "So," Devlin started. "What's going on with Joel?"
"Devlin!" Mitchie slapped him.
"Not cool, James."
"Really big brother?"
I smiled settling in the front seat putting on my seatbelt. "I don't know what is going on other than he needs to figure out what he wants," I said.
"He showed up today without she who shall remain nameless," Jude pointed out.
Thomas scoffed causing me to look at him as he pulled out his parking spot. "That doesn't mean she won't invite herself to Lexi's party," he glanced over at me. "You know I'm right."
I knew that was a possibility but what was I going to do that didn't make me look like a complete idiot? Joel has to be the one to correct things with Lena. If I say or do anything towards her it looks like it comes from emotion only. Like he said. I tucked a curl behind my ear and slowly let out the breath I was holding. "I have faith in my mate."
"Let's hope he doesn't screw that up then," Mitchie mumbled.
I sounded way more confident than I felt.
By the time we made it back to Dragon's keep to change and back to the Mason mansion the party was in full swing. People were drunk, eating and just sitting around talking. All four factions were there and showed the love and support to Lexi's parents that I was hoping would be there. It was a relief and sort of glad to see her father and mother smiling and the children playing. I tugged at the end of my dress as I shifted through the sea of people with Mitchie and Jude behind you. To my disgust I noticed the council members were also indeed present. Including Gary Belrose. "I need a drink!" I shouted at Mitchie who gave me a thumbs up as I walked towards the bar. I placed my purse on the counter and hopped up on the stool when Charm walked over to me from behind the bar and smiled at me. "Bartender?" I asked.
"We are all helping where we can," he handed me a menu and then jerked his chin behind me. "Valentine is here by the way."
I slowly turned in my seat to see Valentine standing at a distance, surrounded by older and very wealthy looking women. His gaze shifted to mine and he winked. I groaned in disgust looking at Charm and pointed to the wine bottle behind him. "A very tall glass of that please."
"I thought you were cutting back on your drinks."
I froze in place.
"You never called me."
God no.
I turned my head slowly to see Bash standing very close to me. He tapped the bar as he took the stool next to me and ordered a glass of whiskey before looking at me up and down lazily. Something was different about Bash and the look he gave me was off. "Bash," I said softly. His eyes immediately flicked up to mine and I felt pinned. "What are you doing here?"
He turned his body slightly and pointed at Valentine. My mouth fell open slightly as my breathing sped up. Valentine invited Bash to this party. He reached out to him. I licked my lips slightly and his eyes went right back to me. Charm came back with both of our drinks and I stared at the liquid in the glass. "Bash-"
"You know I always thought you were weird. Weird, interesting, talented and beautiful," he said taking a sip. "Sure you had you're secrets but what woman doesn't? What right did I have to know those secrets?"
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, watching him.
"Then I got to know you and Justine I have to say I like everything I found out about you...except one thing." I grabbed my purse and started to get up when Bash's hand grabbed my thigh, gripping hard. My eyes snapped up to look in his, blue and green and I knew this was a conversation I didn't want to have. "I'm here because of a letter I got from your boss. Do you want to read it?"
Let go. "No."
"You stood at my brother's funeral. You were there and talked to me as if you knew nothing!" he growled. "Tell me the truth, Justine."
"What did Valentine tell you?" I asked slowly. Bash blinked a few times and his grip tightened more. I knew the answer. The truth has changed him and his view of me.
"You are an Assassin."
I nodded.
"You killed my brother," he said but it sounded more as a question. As if he didn't want to believe it. My eyes begun to water and once again I nodded to him. "You were getting to know me so you could kill me too-"
"I was trying to protect you!" I whispered fiercely. "That same man who invited you here was the one who issued the order for you to be killed on sight! He asked you here knowing that if anyone recognized you that you would be killed."
Bash just stared at me and I didn't know if he believed me or not. I didn't deserve anything from him.
"You killed my brother..."
"Bash. I didn't want to. It was an accident, I swear-"
His eyes lit up, "Then you should have told me from the start! I asked you-"
"Krash is dead. Nothing changes that fact," I said calmly.
Bash looked at me as if I slapped him across the face but there was nothing more for me to say. No more lies. No more evasion. He knew the truth. He ran a hand through his curls and pulled his hand away from me. I felt a tear slide down my face as he looked back at me in disgust. If only I could show him directly what happened that night so he knew...knew how sorry I was. "Bash you are surrounded by men and women who want you dead. You have to leave before...before-"
"Before your man shows up," he finished. Bash stood up not looking away from me. "What are you, Justine?"
What am I? "I am whatever they tell me to be," I said. "Whatever you thought you felt for me or wanted...forget them. I am your enemy and you are mine. You aren't welcome here."
Bash slowly nodded.
"Bash," I called as he turned. He looked at me and I turned off all emotion as I said in a broken voice, "Now that you know what I am and what my orders were...the next time I see you, I will kill you."
He looked back at me with the same expression and nodded.
"Likewise."