{ e i g h t e e n }
When the guys got off the stage I went for a walk to clear my head.
When I got back to the bus I was met by an overly excited Brusnop moment, it was fake, but I played along anyway.
"Guys! My virgin eyes! You're ruining them! It's burns!" I yelled at them.
Fuck... Did I just admit that I was a Virgin.
Ben raised an eyebrow "you're a virgin? As in... You've never had sex"
"Um...I'm gunna leave" I said turning around.
"Oh dear lord woman, we need to get you laid. How did monstrosity happen..or not happen?" He asked
"I've never met the right person" I said quietly.
Danny was oddly quiet. He knew.
"Danny, you knew didn't you?" I asked
He nodded "when your drunk you tell some amazing confessions, you told me that two months ago"
I slowly nodded. Ben was shocked.
"Just...wow. I couldn't imagine my life without sex..." Ben trailed off.
"You're such a man whore bruce" I said playfully.
"I am hurt" he said putting a hand to his chest and trying to look hurt.
"Did I hear that right? The Kate WORSNOP is a virgin?" James said walking onto the bus.
"GUYS! Gather round it's story time" Ben yelled. Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
"Fine" I said sitting in the chair opposite.
The four boys sat on the sofa opposite me, just as I was about to start talking Cameron walked in from the bunks.
Perfect. Fucking. Timing.
My breathe hitched in my throat. Ben turned to him "Dude! Your just in time, it's story time, and we're about to find out how Kate didn't loose-"
"BEN" I yelled cutting him off. "This is my story" I saved when they all looked at me confused. Nice save I thought.
Cam sat on the arm of the sofa, I guess they're all going to find out now.
"Okay, question away, I guess"
Ben went first "okay. 1) are you kidding me and 2) seriously, are you fucking kidding me?" He asked.
"Well, I'm sure I'd remember if I'd lost my virginity" Cameron choked on his drink. If you're taking that metaphorically, thinking I mean he was shocked, don't. I mean James literally had to pat him on the back because he seriously chocked on his drink.
"You're a virgin?" he asked, still not looking me in the eye.
"Well, um..yes" I replied shyly. Talk about awkward.
Sam saw I was struggling to control my emotions so he asked the next question.
"Why do you let everyone believe you're a slut?" He asked
"I guess, I've never really cared what people think of me, if they think I'm sleeping around, let them think it. I never said I'd slept with anyone, I just never deny it. It really doesn't bother me, I guess" I explained truthfully.
"Have you ever almost..?" Danny asked.
I thought back to my times with Cameron, and his amazing 'self control', it almost brought tears to my eyes.
"Yes" I replied shyly "but I believe it's all about self-control" I stated seeing Cameron blush and almost choke on his drink again. Then a frown plastered itself onto his face.
"So what are you waiting for?" James asked.
"Like I said to Ben, the right guy, I don't want to just give it up, because I can't get it back y'know? It's special to me to know that my friends ended up 16 and pregnant or living on benefits and I'm 22 and still have my virginity. I don't just want any guy to take that"
"Have you thought you found the right guy?" Danny asked.
I paused "...um, yes" I replied quietly.
"So what stopped you from doing it then?" Danny questioned.
"The wrong circumstances. It would have been a bad choice to make with huge consequences that I wouldn't be able to handle. I was ready, but it would have been wrong, so I controlled myself" I said, thinking to only a few nights ago.
"Don't you wish you could just get it over with?" Sam asked.
"Sometimes, but I always stick with my pride. This is so vitally important to me, it's just mine y'know?..." I answered.
"I can't believe how serious you are about this.." Danny muttered.
"Well, yeah" I replied
"So who was the guy who almost got it?" Ben asked.
I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing, Sam looked at me worriedly and mouthed 'it's okay'. I slowed my breathing, and calmed down.
"Um...ur. Well, I don't want to lie, so...I'm just not going to tell you" I spluttered quickly.
"No! I must have this gossip!" Ben said loudly. "I will find out, even if it has to be the death of me. Does anybody know who it is on this bus?"
"You're good Ben" I said with a smirk "but if you knew I'd have to kill you"
"It's on, bitch" he smirked back.
***
Sam and I were left again to talk that night, we stayed awake specifically late just too talk.
"Okay, they're all asleep, let it out"
"Do you think he knew I was talking about him..?" I said, playing with the ends of my hair.
"What do you mean?"
"Cameron. I almost lost my virginty to him, but we stopped before it got any further. Like I said last night, if he asked, it would be his" I said.
"Oh sweetheart" was all Sam could say.
"Do you know what I was thinking the other day? I was thinking that I'd done something in my past life to deserve this, something horrible. Then I started singing Alerion. Those lyrics have stuck with me since 'karma's a bitch, right?'"
"I know, things will get better though, everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end" he said reassuringly.
"I love that quote...How long before it stops hurting Sam? I don't wanna hurt anymore. I want to be happy...but every time happiness is in reach, I'm paralysed, I just can't reach out and grab it, and it's killing me" I was now letting the tears fall.
"I just, why? Why did he have that effect on me? Nobody has ever made me shiver just by touching me? Not one single person in 22 years. His hand brushes mine and I almost faint.. Why him?" I asked
"Maybe the world brought together for a reason, maybe your made for eachother" he said. I laughed humorously.
"A destiny that will never be fulfilled then. I don't get it Sam, you and James can date and your in the band together, why is it different for me?"
"That's another reason James and I are nervous to announce, the band would get some hate, and Danny wouldn't like it. It's a mess really." He replied, making me realise how selfish I was being. He has his own problems to deal with, and I'm sat here a blubbering mess, pouring my soul out to him.
"I didn't mean to lay this on you Sam, I feel so selfish. I just don't have anybody else to talk too; you're my best friend" I said to him.
"Honey, if you want to pour your heart out to me, go ahead. I'm here to listen, because you've done it for me so many times." He replied.
"I never got the metaphor broken heart, it seemed so...unrealistic. But I get it now, because this is physically tearing my emotions apart, and trying to hold it together, it's killing me Sam. I can feel myself disintegrating from the insides, I can feel my heart shatter all over again when I see him. How can one person do that to someone?" I'm not going to lie, I doubt Sam can even understand me anymore, my tears are pouring out and I'm stuttering.
"Sweetheart, you need rest, come on" he picked my motionless body up bridle style and carried me to my bunk.
He lay me down and began to pull the curtain closed. "You're wrong Sam, I don't need rest, I need Cameron." I whispered.
He sighed and climbed into my bunk. "I know it hurts darling, I know. But like you said, this is for the best, I'm so proud of you."
"I love you Sam" I said.
"I love you too, now go to sleep, we have a full day of travelling tomorrow, so rest up nice, I'll see you in the morning. Everything's gunna be okay" he said.
I turned around as he climbed out of my bunk and closed the curtain.
I pulled the blanket over me and steadied my breathing, blackness surrounding me immediately.