Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!
"Evan!"
Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!
"Evan! Please calm down! Listen to me! Please!"
Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!
"Stop shaking him! You're not helping him!"
Don't cry! Don't cry!
"Evan, you need to listen to me. I need you to take deep breaths."
Don't cry!
"Evan, come on! Listen to me! I need you to listen to me. Breathe in... and out... Breathe in... and out..."
... I start listening to the voice, however, it sounds muttered under the sound of my heart pounding in my chest and, seemly into my head. Slowly, I take a deep breath in and out. The more I do it, the more relaxed I feel. My lungs slowly feel like the pressure is no long weighing down my rib cage. My heart starts to slow down to a regular speed, and the pounding start to die down with it. After a minute, or maybe more, of deep breathing, I look up and see Ze kneeling down in front of me. His eyes are locked onto me, as if he is studying me like a textbook the day before finals.
That look he is giving me... It's so serious... The vibe he's giving off... It's so different...
Once I look up to him, he let's out a sigh of relief and pats my shoulder. "You scared us for a bit there. I didn't know you had panic attacks."
I shake my head as I push myself up, holding onto the bar for balance. "What happened?"
Ze stands up in front of me and has me walk over to a chair on the floor. He then makes me sit down before he calmly explains, "While we were closing up the club and kicking out the last of the customers, Panda rushed in, freaking out over something. Next thing we knew, Brock was freaking out in the back, screaming and breaking down into tears. When we looked over to you, you were on the floor, tears running down your face, shaking, you looked like you wanted to rip out your hair, and you were gasping for air. I've known a few people who have had panic attacks, so I knew that was what you were having."
Mini and Tyler walk over, and I can see a few tears still sliding down the sides of Mini's face. When he sees me, he rushes over and hugs me tightly. "Thank god you're okay."
"Do you have any idea what triggered his panic attack," Ze asks to both Mini and Tyler.
Tyler sighs and leans up against the table. "I definitely know what caused it. Though, it's up to Evan on if you should know about it too."
Mini pulls away and looks at me, also curious since I never told him about my past either. I take a deep breath and look down at my hands. I don't want to give away too much about my past now. I don't know how much Mike knows about what had happened to me before I ran away, meaning I don't know how much Ze knows.
"Before I left my family's home, I was abused by my parents. My mom was extremely neglectful and would sometimes not even know if I was home or not. And my dad... he would physically abuse me. Choke me out, beat me, and... sometimes he would either drag me to my room or chase me to it, and if I locked my door, he would pound on it so hard..." I pause and hold back my tears as I try to fight back certain memories of him doing this. His screaming, his words, the walls shaking.
"The walls would shake," I continue through, my voice starting to shake as tears build up again.
"That's enough, Evan," Ze quickly says.
"If he was angry enough," I continue, not really hearing Ze. "He would kick down the door to get to me."
"Evan stop! You don't need to say anymore!"
Tears fall onto my hands as I continue to stare down at them. "If he heard me crying... that always pissed him off the most... He hated hearing me cry. "
"Evan stop it!" I jump when I suddenly feel someone wrap their arms around my shoulders and I quickly try to get them off of me.
Without thinking, I yell out, "No please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
However, after a bit, I stop. I realize that whoever is holding me isn't doing it to try to choke me. They aren't doing it to hold me down. They aren't doing it to drag me away. They're... hugging me.
"It's okay," I hear Ze whisper. "You're safe now. You're safe."
I take a few more deep breaths and try to pull myself together again as Ze just holds me close to him. After another minute or so, he let's me go and starts rubbing my back. "Now your panic attack makes sense," Ze calmly says. "You have PTSD from your childhood."
Technically my childhood continued after I left, but that will just stay with me.
I nod my head. "Have you spoken to anyone about this?" I shake my head. "Okay, can you afford to speak to someone about this?"
"Are you suggesting he talk to a therapist," Tyler asks.
"It may be a good idea. I'm not going to force you to do it if you don't want to, but I definitely would recommend it."
I shake my head. "I don't know if that would work for me."
"At least let me text you the number for a therapist that works with the police department. They-"
"The police department," Tyler ask. This makes Ze freeze and I see his eyes go wide and the gears quickly start turning in his mind. "How do you know someone that works with the police department?"
"I, uh, I've gone to them. I'm kind of embarrassed to talk about it, but, when I was eighteen, I made the mistake of moving to another state to be with this girl I was in love with. She dumped me a month after I got there and I was so depressed, I almost flunked out of school. When I moved back to my parents' house, I was still really depressed, so I started seeing a therapist. Then, when I decided to move here, he recommend this new guy that I've been seeing. They both told me he actually works with the police department to try to make me feel more comfortable with opening up to him."
"Isn't it illegal for them to talk about other clients," Mini asks.
"Yes, but they weren't talking to me about a client. They were telling me about the types of clients he gets. They never gave me the names of anyone who sees him, but he will tell me a bit about what he talks about with them if he thinks it could help me, whether it is to help me relate to a problem or help me find a solution."
"I'll take the number," I quickly say in order to end the conversation. "Just, text it to me or something." He nods and pulls out his phone to text the number to me. "You said before I started having my panic attack that Panda came into the club freaking out and that Brock had screamed, right?" He nods without looking up from his phone.
"Oh shit, that's right," Tyler says, covering his mouth. "Fuck! So I now need to break this news to the three of you!?"
Mini, Ze, and I all look at each other before turning back to Tyler. "What do you mean," Mini asks him.
"Panda told me what happened before he ran to the back and before I ran over to get Mini. When you started having your panic attack, Mini started freaking out, shaking you like a rag doll to get you to snap back to reality."
"I thought for a second you were joking," Mini starts to explain. "But when I started calling your name, you wouldn't answer or look at me. I started shaking you to get you to listen to me or something! I didn't know what to do! Then Ze told me to stop and Tyler pulled me away to calm me down."
"Tyler, what happened," I ask again.
He pushes himself off of the table before he turns around and faces us. "Marcel is dead."
My jaw and heart drop. "What?!"
"There was an accident at the hospital. They told Panda a big air bubble was in the blood bag they used for him, and the nurse that had switched his old one with a new one missed it somehow. When the air got to his heart, it caused him to have a heart attack. They called him and Brock. Panda was hoping he could break the news to him first, so that he could keep Brock from reacting the way he did."
"What do you mean by that?"
"He was," Tyler bites his lip and looks away, trying to find the right words to say.
"He broke a mirror and was going to kill himself," Mini finishes.
"What!?"
"Evan, there's something we haven't told you," Tyler starts, which already starts pissing me off. "Brock and Marcel were a thing before you started working here. They had a secret relationship that they were going to go public with once they quit working here, but it ended when you got here."
I shake my head. "How do you know this? You just started working here at the start of the summer. "
"Marcel told me after I heard him hitting on Brock. I told him, as a joke, 'go ask him out. I won't tell anyone,' and then he told me everything. About how he and Brock started hooking up after a busy night and they both wanted to relax. About how they started going back to the apartments together almost every night. How they would sneak around to hide their relationship. I'm not going to lie, they had a really cute relationship, and I was confused about why they would break up when they seemed so happy together. But again, it ended after you came in."
"So... They might have still been in love with each other, " I say in a low voice. I then stand up and ask, "Where's Brock?"
"He should still be in the back."
"I'll walk back with you," Ze quickly says before he wraps his arm around my shoulders. With a slight push, he and I start walking to the back of the club. Through the heavy curtains, my heart breaks a little as I can hear heavy sobs coming from the back.
"Why would Brock and Marcel break-up because of you," Ze asks me.
I feel a lump build up in the back of my throat, but I try to swallow it as I quickly come up with something to tell him. "Well, I had to tell all the guys here about my past when I started. They knew that I was kind of young, just barely legal enough to handle drinks, and Marcel and Brock didn't like what they heard. For the last two years, they've spent so much time trying to get me out of here, find me a better job than this."
"You had a chance to get something better than this and you didn't take it?"
I chuckle. "Call me young and stupid. I thought this place was amazing. The lights, the glitter, the parties, the dancing, the music. I guess I got so caught up that I didn't see just how fucked up this place really was. Plus," I pause and take a deep breath before I continue. By this time, Ze and I are in the hallway between the stairwell and backstage again; however, we don't want go through the door until after we finish this conversation. "These guys were like my family. Or, the family I had when I was a kid. These guys were caring, loving, helped me when I needed them. They saved me in a way... But that was all before I learned how much they all lied to me when I started. Now, I don't know what to think."
"Do you think families don't lie to each other," Ze laughs. "I mean, my sister and I have so many secrets that we know about each other, but we swore to never tell our parents."
"I wouldn't call that the same as the lies these guys told me though. I mean, you and your sister weren't hiding something as big as drug use from your parents, right?"
"That's depends."
"What?"
"Would you consider weed a drug? I mean, Mike and I are California boys. We don't really see it as a drug, but some people still do."
I just raise an eyebrow and shake my head. "I don't really see it as a drug either. So-"
"There's also sneaking out and going to parties, which I've done a lot in high school. Not to mention the number of times I've gotten drunk off my ass, and the same goes for my sister."
"Okay, I get it. Family members do lie to each other. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when the truth comes out."
"I know. But you can't hold a grudge against them forever."
I sigh and look over to the door. "I know... I don't really hold anything against these guys for lying... Its just the secrets that I can't pretend to be okay with." Pushing myself off of the wall, I say, "Come on. Let's check on Brock."
He and I push open the door and walk to the dressing area. I see everyone all standing around, staring at the couch on the other end of the room, and the only sounds coming from anyone are a few light sobs, but those are all drowned out by the heavy sobs coming from a certain heart broken man.
Ze finds Chilled and GaLm in the crowd and walks over to them, hugging them both as they silently let tears roll down their cheeks. I, however, push my way through the crowd until I see the broken man crying into the couch, sitting on his knees. Panda and Lui are next to him, rubbing his back and trying to tell him that everything will be okay.
Not saying a word, I walk up to the three. Panda and Lui look up at me before they stand up and back away from him. I then get onto my knees and gently rub his back. I don't know what made him decide to look, but I see him turn his head towards me. Once he sees me, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly, sobbing into my shoulder. I shut my eyes and hug him back, rubbing his back and saying nothing.
Now isn't the time to say anything.
Sometimes, all a person needs is some time to just cry. No peep talk. No, "everything will be okay." No talking at all. I may not know how close him and Marcel were, but just from the sound of his cries, I can tell that that's exactly what he needs right now.