She stepped out after a relatively long shower. From past few days she felt so physically drained due to the emotional turmoil. She didn't know what to understand from there encounter. It ached to see him so broken. His broken image was stuck in her head. She felt guilty.
As soon as her eyes moved away from the ground she noted him standing in the balcony. He had laid out plates on the table in the balcony. She simply stared at him. He was putting efforts to make it look yet beautiful. The dim light from the lamp above made it a perfect romantic setup.
When he steeped inside the room he noted her. Before he could say anything the bell rang. "I will get it!" He disappeared.
Anika released a breath she didn't know she was holding. She looked in the direction of balcony. Steadily she walked out. The fresh air and light breeze made her feel better. She glanced aside at the table, and looked away. It would have been so lovely if things were okay. But nothing was okay. At least not within her. Like the massive churning emotions weren't enough to trouble her. Another was added to it in good quantity.
G u i l t.
He came back as quickly as he had left. He placed the packets on the table. "Anika, you start, I will be back in a jiffy!" Saying so he quickly ran to the washroom to have a wash.
She slowly sank in the chair. Her eyes steadily moved from the railing to the sky. She had no heart for this. She wanted space. Time and space - to figure out which piece fit where. The pieces of the perfect puzzle - their life - had jumbled up terribly. She just from could hope and pray none was broken beyond repair.
He came back to find the table just as he had left it. Trying to seem as cheerful as possible he served her plate and then his. She simply sat in silence switching her gaze between him and some far away point in the sky.
"Shivaay. I don't want to eat." She said slowly.
He got up and pulled his chair beside hers. Taking his plate in hand he extended his right hand with a morsel to her lips.
Their eyes met. Looking into his eyes, she slowly ate. She had really missed him a lot. So much that now when he was so close she was scared this was a dream that would vanish with no evidence behind.
Silence followed as he fed and she ate. She wanted more of his time, more of his love, more of him. But, not heartbreak. Not the pain, again.
"I don't want to leave this place." She said softy, as he continued to feed her.
He was quietly staring at her. Keeping his plate on the table, he picked up the tissue.
"Anika if you don't let go old chapters, how will you make new?" He wiped off the gravy off the side of her lips.
She stared at him. Not able to look any longer at him she looked away. Was it so easy for him to leave this place, with all their memories and move on?
She got up from her chair to leave. "I know. I know this has been your home. It's been mine too. Anika with life things change. Dadaji built the mansion. We never thought we could get our home again. Did you see how happy they were?" He asked referring to his parents.
"Anika we only have a year's memory here and it feels terrible for us to leave this place. Imagine them, more than a decade they spent there. " Anika listened to his words very carefully. She had never seen that side of the coin. Oh, she had focused on herself so much that she failed to see that what he saw.
She nodded feeling guilty yet again. No matter how much she tried to push him on to the wrong side of the line her heart knew he was somewhere still in the right.
"You didn't eat." She said pointing to the plate. He quickly smiled looking down. Was this his Anika? If she was she wouldn't have asked.
"Do you want me to--?" She started hesitantly. Something like always stopped her from going to him.
"No. I am fine." He said looking up smiling at her. He faked well, he knew. Would she make out?
She couldn't find the heart to trust that smile. It seemed more pretence. But, she did not find it in herself to get closer to him either.
He ate in silence while she continued staring down and at time looking up at the beautiful night sky. She was well aware of his fluctuating gaze on her.
When he was done the two picked up the plates and moved to the kitchen. While she discarded the packets, he slipped the dishes into the sink.
Thick silence was filled. They'd never been used to this. They were all about laughing, shouting gleefully, talking, humming and cute debates. This kind of silence was new. But it did well, as they tried to calm their crying hearts.
It was only when the got to the room that Shivaay got closer to her. "You okay?"
She nodded in a yes. How could she be?
He stared at her for half a minute as though contemplating something. Then he pulled her close for a hug. "I m okay" she said placing her hand on his chest. She did not allow the gap to be filled and their hearts to feel each other's beats.
"Anika." He whispered slowly cupping her face. He now knew she felt vulnerable and unloved. He had made a grave mistake brushing off her cold tone in those conversations. Things did not magically become right. They were supposed to be fixed.
He had learned this the hard way. He had assumed it was her anger on him not being with her. Assumed she would be alright when he is back by her. He had created a void he could sense. She was hurt, thus was he. He wanted to fill that void. He wanted to make her feel loved. He wanted her to know he still loved her. No matter how much it hurt him, to know she - she held him guilty for everything.
He somewhere deserved it. If only he had been more patient in explaining it to her how important it was, then. If only he hadn't lost his temper. If only he had been honest enough to tell her what he aimed at. But he was scared. Scared of telling her and raising her expectations. The last thing he wanted was failing before her. Not fulfilling her expectations. If he failed in her eyes, he would fail for the world. A man always wished to be the hero of his woman's life, not a failure. If he had been honest.
She moved apart. She knew what he was hinting at. She knew he knew her answer. The last thing she wanted was for their relationship to be only physical. No they couldn't make sex the solution to problems. She did not want that. She wanted love like before. But was too fearful. Too fearful to walk those lanes again with him. What if he left again, leaving her all alone?
Shivaay understood well. He moved away. He did feel hurt. She had never rejected him. None that he remembered. This rejection was a slap across his face. He just wanted to be close to her. To be close to her to express that he wasn't going anywhere. To love her. To try and heal the pain. He did not want her unhappy. All he wanted was her happiness.
Anika went about making the bed for the night. He quickly went to the washroom for a change. He wanted tomorrow to be a beautiful day in their life. He would finally take her home. He wanted her to feel like the queen. Wanted her to be happy. Wanted to give her the perfect fairytale. Her rejection hurt. Did the intimacy not go well with her? After everything they'd had together? He decided to give her time. Even space if she wanted. But would he be able to give her that? When all he wanted was her!
He got on to his side the bed. She was already lying on her side. A little more away than usual. Pain twisted his heart. As much as he wanted to walk out and give her space he was afraid. Afraid to leave her. He didn't want her to feel alone. Didn't want her to take those pills. Both lay in silence on extreme sides, none able to sleep. They had left the curtains open. It was a day or two before the full night, yet the moon seemed to be full.
"You remember the night of the wedding." He spoke slowly.
A small smile crept up her face. "How can I forget!"
"This moon looks just like that today."
"Hmm.." She now felt awkward. They had slept talking about random things that day. Even though before marriage they'd grown comfortable with each other they still weren't ready to take their relationship to the next level at the first night after marriage. So they had slept that night just like they were sleeping now staring away at the night sky through the glass door of the balcony. She wondered how from sleeping like that they had gone to sleeping entangled. Interesting mystery to crack.
She felt his smallest toe closer to hers. She didn't look at him. She simply concealed a smile. With him by her side, even pain seemed tolerable. "Good night!" She whispered turning over to face away from him. He looked at her back his eyes growing moist. "Good night!" He whispered turning away. As soon as he had a lone tear escaped his eye.
Tadaa!
-See you all soon. :)
Love
-Anami!