It's always so easy to start.
From the first time Adam laid eyes on James, he couldn't help but believe in the back of his mind that there was something truly different. His mannerisms, how close he could get, everything about him as they hung out.
Slowly, Adam realized that perhaps he didn't see James as just a friend.
And he realized this so suddenly.
It was a typical night with James, messing around, watching him choke on chicken nuggets, and interesting conversations in between.
Everything was all the same until they'd decided to binge watch Wow Wow Wubbzy.
Adam sat, losing brain cells by the minute as he watched the show continue on. Eventually, though, James's comments on the episode's events began to slow, until they stopped altogether.
He was silent for a good minute, and as Adam turned to ask him if he was still awake, he was met by James slowly leaning closer to him, resting his head on his shoulder, fast asleep.
Adam stopped, all he could do was stare. Why was he staring? Why is this happening? He smiled to himself, wait, why was he smiling? Why is he okay with this? Why is this comfortable? Why did he rest his head against his in return?
That night, more so that moment, was how it started.
Ever since, Adam couldn't help but hope that anything like that would happen again. And he certainly got his wish.
All the smallest things James would do, like trip and fall into his arms, or fall asleep on him far too frequently, even the more insignificant things like sharing food meant the world to Adam.
This cycle of silently enjoying all these things that James would do usually went well.
Usually.
James liked Jaiden, that was a fact. Just about everyone knew. He wasn't good at hiding it at all, and yet Jaiden still managed to stay clueless. No one wanted to tip him off, believing he'd do it himself. But he never would.
His cowardice appeared very frequently, even at the very mention of Jaiden he started to look uneasy. It was saddening, really. The person that Adam loved not only loved someone else but couldn't seem to confess their feelings no matter how hard they tried. Neither of them would be happy.
If only James liked him instead, then Adam could just get straight to the point for him.
A year went by, filled with unrequited admiration and occasional bouts of doubt, stress, and pain.
And then, Adam's dreams managed to come true but also break apart all at once.
Tim announced that he was going to ask Jaiden out, and she accepted.
He got the text the moment he stepped through his front door from Jaiden who excitedly told him all about his confession.
He was obviously happy for them, but the first thing that came to mind as he read it was James. Did he know? Surely. He probably received a barrage of texts already. Should he text him? Send his condolences?
All these questions circled in his mind for a few hours, until he sat at his dining room table. He couldn't take it anymore, he had to say something, it didn't feel right to not.
He reached for his phone, texting James a simple "Hey." He responded quicker than expected.
The conversation carried out normally, except something about James's responses sounded different than they usually were. Eventually, Adam had to speak up.
"What's wrong?" Straight to the point, just like he always was.
James fell silent for a few moments before he sent a big paragraph detailing how he was tortured in a coffee shop and practically forced to approve of Tim asking Jaiden out. As he put it, it was nice of Tim to ask, but if James were honest, he'd only feel horrible about it for the rest of his life.
Adam wasn't having this, it's time to go over there and be a good, supportive friend.
In a matter of ten minutes, he was in James's doorway, then on his bed, simply letting James practically hug his waist as he continued to mourn over his lost opportunity.
"I don't know why I never told her, I should have--I should have told her everything, now it's too late." James sighed.
Instinctively, Adam moved his arm to gently pat his head.
"I'm a failure, Adam." he added with a groan.
No, nope, that was it, Adam picked him up by the chin, forcing him to make eye contact, "I have to disagree, you aren't a failure, you never were one." he spoke a little more forcefully than he intended, but his message was being sent. No love of his was ever going to think they were a failure.
"But Jaiden's gone, I'll never get to tell her how I really feel now."James protested, but Adam refused to be swayed.
"Just because you didn't catch one fish, doesn't mean you can't catch another." He retorted.
James looked away, "What's the point of trying to catch another fish, I'm probably gonna miss catching that one too." he grumbled.
James's words stung a lot more than Adam anticipated, he narrowed his eyes, mostly attempting to look more cross than hurt, "Because never fishing at all is a guarantee to going hungry, now come on I hate seeing you in this dark room. Let's go out and eat or something." Adam stood up, heaving James to his feet and leading him outside.
Then, they were invited to hang out with Jaiden and Tim already.
James wasn't ready for this, and Adam knew.
He tried to find any sort of way out, he was ready to fake an entire trip to Washington in order to make sure that James didn't have to face them until he was ready to.
But James insisted, and like an idiot, Adam gave in.
Throughout the entire thing, James looked visibly hurt, like someone had stabbed him in the gut repeatedly. Whenever Adam glanced over at him, he was gripping his arms tightly, but the moment they made eye contact he'd force himself to look normal, even throw in a horribly weak smile.
It hurt to watch.
When James looked like he was about to cry, Adam knew they'd been there too long, quickly excusing them and driving him home.
That was a mistake, a horrible mistake. How could he do this? He shouldn't have let James persuade him, that was a terrible idea.
Once they got home and as soon as James stepped out of the car, Adam provided the embrace that he needed so desperately. "I should have insisted on skipping out." he murmured.
But James quickly protested, "No, it was good to see them." he spoke tiredly, which truly dumped salt all over Adam's wound.
He pulled away, staring at James. "Why do you keep lying so much? You looked so torn up that if we stayed any longer you were going to cry." Guilt overcame him, this was awful, and he caused it.
All James did was reach out, tightly gripping Adam's arms as he stared at the ground "I don't know."
It was quiet, all Adam could think of doing was pull him in for another hug.
"You know what, no," A sudden sense of determination fueled him, "We're going inside, and we're gonna watch something so nice and so wholesome that you won't even know why you were sad in the first place." he insisted, leading James inside.
He plopped him on his own couch and began searching on Netflix for something stupid.
Eventually, he found a trilogy of children's movies, yes, perfect.
He spent all of his time overreacting, desperately trying to make James laugh, or smile, or do anything.
Eventually, it started to work.
He started by smirking and lightly chuckling, and by the end, he sounded like his old self.
As the last movie's credits rolled, Adam turned to James, the moment of truth. "So, how you feeling?" he asked gently.
Upon inspecting James's eyes, they flickered with sudden realization, before warming up, along with the smile and soft chortle Adam had been praying for. Adam's heart soared as he watched his friend genuinely smile again.
Something about that smile made his mission to help James get over her truly become his biggest priority.
"Okay, why don't we start by thinking about all the people you might like? So think about every name I say, and tell me if you've at any point in time thought you might like them." Adam explained, laying on James's bed. Beside him, James sat up at the foot, "Okay." he replied blankly.
"Christine?"
"Nah."
"Leilah?"
"I haven't even talked to her in forever."
"Marshall?"
"Adam, I'm not gay."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm pretty sure."
"I'm not."
James scoffed, smacking Adam upside the head.
Adam simply chuckled, but what took him by surprise was what he said next.
"Now that I think about it, I think I know exactly who would be great." he seemed to perk up a little.
Oh, what a dream it would be if he said it was him? "Who's that?" Adam asked calmly.
"Why, you of course!" James joked.
Adam hesitated, did he hear him correctly? He must have shown his surprise, as James looked over at him his expression changed a little.
Quickly, Adam smiled and laughed, "Ah I see. I was right about you all along."
James laid down beside him, "You sure were." he chortled. Adam focused on James's ceiling, silently wishing that James told the truth just then.
But after a good minute, suddenly, James shot up again, "I'm hungry again!" he announced, "James we literally just got back-" "Cereal!"
For the rest of the week, that was all that was on Adam's mind.
He looked so perturbed. He didn't look uneasy or disgusted, he simply looked flustered, like he'd just talked to Jaiden.
Why? Why did he do that? Adam just couldn't take it anymore, he had to come over and get to the bottom of this.
Immediately, James opened the door far more enthusiastically than he has in a while, "Hey!" he chirped, letting Adam in.
"You seem happy." Adam remarked coolly, it was a nice surprise.
"Oh yeah, I guess I am." James's tone immediately died down, becoming far more temperate. Did Adam just ruin it?
Dang it, he shouldn't have said anything.
Whatever, he still sounds better.
"I'm glad you're starting to get over her, I've been really seeing progress." Adam grinned.
"Right, her..." James scratched the back of his neck.
Oh god, Adam just stop talking you're ruining it.
Hastily, James perked up again, clasping his hands together, "So, what do you wanna do?"
Adam thought for a moment, Wanna take a walk or something?" he suggested slowly.
"Sounds good!"
Throughout the whole walk, James seemed extremely off. He sounded like he was nowhere remotely near where he actually was, half the time talking quickly and loudly, almost to the point where Adam couldn't keep up when he actually spoke. For the rest of the time, he was completely silent, as if he didn't even breathe.
Occasionally, he'd look extremely confused, as if he'd forgotten where he was. All this put together was rather worrying, especially considering how suddenly it appeared.
"So, how are things?" James quickly asked.
"They've been okay," Adam replied, thinking back to how his week has gone so far. "How about you? You seem displaced." He asked.
"Oh-me? No! I'm fine! Everything is fine! I'm just..."James trailed off, stopping.
He held his breath, running his fingers through his hair. Upon exhaling, he looked back up at Adam, sounding far calmer, "I'm sorry, I've just been a little messed up lately. I've been having these dreams..."
"Oh yeah? What dreams?" Now he was intrigued, especially after James's reaction.
He hesitated, stuttering, "It's nothing, they're just about-you know-Jaiden..."
Could this really be?
No, certainly not.
"James."
"Yeah?"
"Wanna tell me what you were actually dreaming about?"
"No, not really."
Maybe so.
"Alright." Adam shrugged, he got what he needed.
James had entirely enveloped his mind, the stunts he's been pulling have been so perplexing it started to become frustrating.
How does he approach this?
What's even happening?
Is he confused?
Is he going insane?
Does he actually like him?
What's going on?
After a whole day of silence, at four in the morning, out of nowhere, Adam received a stream of texts.
"Heeeeyeyeyyeyeyeye"
"Wanna come over"
"You should come over"
"I have something to ytell youuuuuuuu"
"Jaiden leftorij"
"I'm lonnenly"
"I want McDonald's"
"You should get me McDonald's"
"Can you get me chicken nuggets"
"Co meomeover"
Was James sane?--No, probably not.
Well, okay, I guess it's time to buy some chicken nuggets.
Seven in the morning and Adam finally goes out to buy James's chicken nuggets. As he approaches his house, letting himself in, he realizes how dumb it all sounded.
Why was Jaiden there? Why did she leave? Why did he actually buy chicken nuggets?
Hopefully, his questions would be answered by the sleeping James on the living room floor.
As Adam approached, he seemed to wake up a little, "Jaiden?" he mumbled.
"No, it's Adam." Adam replied.
"Huh?" James groaned, "Where did Jaiden go?"
Adam shrugged, "I don't know, all I know is you sent me a stream of texts asking if I wanted to come over, that you had something to tell me, Jaiden left, you're lonely, you want McDonald's, to get you McDonald's, chicken nuggets to be exact, and then again to come over. All texts being sent at 4:30 in the morning." he explained dully, setting down the chicken nuggets on the coffee table for James to take and sitting down at the couch.
"Oh yeah." James murmured tiredly.
What was this? Why was he so tired? Has he been getting any sleep?
"So, what did you wanna tell me?" Adam asked, yet again, in the back of his mind he hoped it was an "I love you" but he knew, of course, that wouldn't happen.
Of course.
"I love you."
Oh, okay, never mind I guess it did happen.
Wait, huh?!
Adam stiffened as James reached for a chicken nugget, "You what?"
"I love you! Am I that quiet? Jeez." James repeated as if all of this was obvious.
For real, had he gone insane? What's happening here?
"What?" Adam hesitated, praying that James couldn't see his face.
It seemed that James realized what he said, as he began to stutter, "Y-You know, for getting me food. I love you for getting me food, thank you."
Adam could feel how hot his cheeks were. No way. He knew James, and James was a horrible liar, especially with him. And there, right there, he lied so terribly. Did he really love him? Endless confused and excited thoughts swirled his mind as he lightly touched his cheek, looking to the side, "Oh, well, you're welcome."
This was perfect, everything was perfect. It could really be true. Everything felt so pure and genuine with him, and it all made sense now. Adam had a good hunch of what he dreamt of, and his sleepy confession truly topped it all off. He now really believed that the conversation James had with Jaiden was about him. And all of this put together made true bliss, nothing could ever go wrong anymore. Everything was perfect and nothing anyone did could change that.
He stayed up late one night, all the way 'till four in the morning just thinking about the life that they could live. All he had to do was say something.
Say something.
Huh.
Adam wandered out to his living room, sitting down at his couch. He never really thought about saying anything.
Should he?
Why, of course! He was pretty sure that James liked him back, why not?
Pretty sure.
You're pretty sure.
You can't be pretty sure in this situation.
He's just getting over losing Jaiden, why would he ever like you? Especially so quickly.
A couple months isn't enough time to heal.
Not for him.
Adam stood up, slowly walking to his front door. He stared blankly at the doorknob.
Go outside, go to his house, I dare you.
You'll only get rejected.
He loved her for so long.
Why would he ever start loving you?
She's way better.
Adam sighed, turning around to go to his room. He threw himself onto his bed, tossing the covers over him. The same toxic sentences endlessly echoing in his mind until he fell asleep.
You'll only get rejected.
He loved her for so long.
Why would he ever start loving you?
She's way better.