This. This is going to be my rant on Destiel.
People love this ship for THOUSANDS of reasons, but for me, it's for little things I almost can't even describe, but I will try my best to.
Take, for example, the scene in the above picture, where Cas finds out Dean has the Mark of Cain.
THIS. FREAKING. SCENE.
This ONE LITTLE SCENE is the reason why Destiel has destroyed me as a person.
Because Cas has been worried about Dean since he got the Mark. The angel knows NOTHING about the mark until this moment, but he still knows that something is wrong with Dean. He can sense immediately that something is off- something's wrong. And it drives him crazy that no one will tell him, so he keeps asking, asking and asking if Dean is okay, if something is different about him- because he KNOWS. He practically senses the literal change in Dean's soul.
He knows this is bad news before Dean himself realizes how in over his head he is.
But while Cas asking if Dean is okay when we know he's not is enough for some people, it's not what gets me about this scene.
It's When Dean goes to touch Cas's shoulder, to reassure his angel that, Yes, he is okay, but Cas STOPS HIM.
AND THE LOOK.
THE LOOK ON CASTIEL'S FACE.
WHEN HE KNOWS.
The utter look of betrayal on Cas's face when he grabs Dean's wrist, staring at the hunter like he's completely transformed right before his eyes. Time slows down.
And Dean is confused. He doesn't understand why Cas doesn't want him to touch him, and he's almost a little bit offended by it, because Cas is one of the very few people Dean is affectionate with.
They share little touches like that throughout the WHOLE series- hugs, resting their hands on each other's shoulders, wrapping an arm around the other- all kinds of small moments that show you how much their relationship means.
But when Cas rejects Dean's touch, their whole tone shifts. Because at that moment, it clicks with Cas, and he understands why Dean has felt so different to him lately. And he never expected Dean to have the Mark, was never prepared for it. And that's why his facial expression hits me so hard. The combination of shock, and betrayal, and the heartache reminder that Dean cares so little about himself that he'd agree to have the Mark in the first place.
His mild concern over Dean switches to pure worry at that moment, and it shakes Castiel to his very core.
But at the moment Cas grabs his wrist, he's still not sure. There's still a tiny piece of him that wonders, hopes, that Dean didn't go through with it. That he's just being paranoid, and there's nothing different about the Winchester.
But Cas also knows better, so he yanks up Dean's sleeve, having to be sure, and he has his worst fears confirmed.
And there's a moment where the realization hits Cas. Where it really sinks in that Dean did this, that he took on something as horrible as the Mark, and didn't even bother to tell Cas about it.
But a bigger part of Cas, the part of his heart that's hurting so bad, isn't surprised. He knows that Dean doesn't care about himself- that his own life, that means so much to so many- means nothing to Dean. He sighs, for this is something Cas has grown to expect with Dean, especially after all the Winchesters have done in the past. So he says the first thing that comes to his mind.
"Dammit, Dean."
Dammit Dean. Because he cannot believe Dean would do this- that he has that low an opinion of himself. Because no matter what Cas does, no matter what he tries; nothing he does can ever raise Dean's self esteem. And Cas hates himself for that. He hates not being able to show Dean how much he means to everyone- how much his life matters to Sam, and to Cas, and to dozens of others.
And I honestly think that once this scene was over, and Sam and Dean are gone, I think Cas might have cried. Cried because he is so unable to get through to Dean, to make him see how much he's loved, and how doing things like getting the Mark affect those that care for him.
That's why this one scene, out of the whole show, tears at my heart.
It's not the only one, either. There are SO MANY OF THEM.
Another would have to be the season finale of season 13, when Dean offers himself up as Michael's vessel, and Cas just.....shatters.
Seriously.
Just- LOOKATTHISFACE.
LOOK AT THIS FACE AND TELL ME IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO DIE INSIDE.
Because after EVERYTHING they've been put through at this point, Cas and Dean were given a moment where everything was fine. And then Michael and Lucifer came in and shit on everything.
And when Sam and Jack are in trouble, Dean instantly is willing to sacrifice himself. And he knows- everyone KNOWS that Michael will betray him immediately. But that doesn't matter to Dean because Sammy's in trouble.
But it matters to Cas.
Cas is the one who tries to talk Dean out of it, and his face is so desperate and longing- he's practically begging Dean not to do this, not to put him through hell again, not to risk himself and destroy Cas's heart all over again, because Cas isn't sure if he can handle it if Dean does what he did with the Mark of Cain all over again.
But Dean goes through with it anyway, because it's Sam that's at risk. And Sam comes first. Before Dean, before Cas- it's always Sam.
And with one little Yes, Cas's heart shatters.
That's why Cas looks so devastated the next moment we see him. And when Mary asks where Dean is....
Oh. I KNOW Cas cried over that. Bawled like a baby, unable to find the words to tell Dean's mother that he gave in to Michael in order to save Jack and his brother.
And when Michael inevitably betrays Dean, Cas and Sam jump right into action, ready to find Dean and make everything good again for two seconds. Because that's what Cas does. Even if Dean has destroyed his heart, he will still fight his hardest to get him back, and he and Sam will do whatever it takes if there's even a chance at getting Dean back.
Jack, on the other hand, doesn't understand this yet. That's why he considers the option of his destroying Michael while he's possessing Dean- an idea that rattles Cas to his core. Because Jack doesn't fully understand the bond that Dean has with Cas and Sam. He hasn't realized yet that Cas will literally destroy the planet if that's what will give Dean back to him safely. And that Sam has done the same exact thing.
So Cas focuses all of his efforts immediately on getting Dean back, but at the end of the day, when Dean returns, his wounds are still open.
Dean hurt him. And it stings. And Cas focused so much energy into finding and saving Dean that he didn't have time to let those wounds heal. But Dean knows this, because he knows Cas. He knows that Cas is hurt by what he did, and he doesn't want to push his luck with the angel.
That is why, I think, that Cas and Dean didn't hug when Dean showed up in the bunker. Because Cas wasn't ready- not ready to resume the relationship he had with Dean, with the shoulder touches and the long stares. And Dean knows better then to test it, even though he wants nothing more then to wrap the angel in his arms and tell him how sorry he is.
But slowly, they're recovering. I know though, that Dean saying yes to Michael damaged the relationship between Dean and Cas. Damaged it good. Hell, maybe it just knocked back over the repairs hey had made from when Dean had the mark, and old wounds have just been reopened.
Cas and Dean need to talk, and I'm sure they will. I don't know if we'll be lucky enough to see it on screen, but they will talk. Because Dean is not okay, and Cas knows it, and he's not 100% okay either, and if they can't talk to each other, then they won't talk to anyone.
I just need them to talk to one another, because that way, they will slowly start to patch their wounds once again, and become stronger then ever before.
Some people say that Destiel doesn't exist- that there is nothing between them at all. Others say it's there, but they need a kiss, or something similar for them to believe it.
But I say that's not needed. The supernatural writers KNOW about Destiel. They know how much it means to the fans. But they also know that some actors aren't okay with it *glares at Jensen Ackles* So the writers, and Jensen and Misha themselves, do something I love. It's one of my favorite parts of the show.
The subtext.
Because there's the outer layer of this show, which is literally just what you see on screen. But there's an under layer of subtext, and it has such a deeper meaning. It's that layer where you see the effect that little moment between Cas and Dean has. It shows you that something as simple as a touch on the shoulder means the world to both of them, and that something is seriously wrong for Cas to reject it.
Because that is the only time I've seen one of them reject a physical touch from the other. Sure, Dean is sometimes hesitant about hugging Cas, but he always ends up giving in. And Cas is most affectionate with Dean. He'll hug- or at least attempt to hug- various other character on the show, but the little shoulder touches, and long meaningful looks? Those are only for Dean.
And perhaps the affection is why the angels know that Cas is in love with Dean. Angels don't really show much affection towards one another. Hannah tries, sometimes, but Cas always rejects her, because he only does that stuff with Dean, and he feels that doing something as simple as holding Hannah's hand would be a huge betrayal to Dean.
There are so many little details in this show that prove that Destiel is canon- it's just kept behind the scenes.
Dean has said on multiple accounts that he's not religious, and he doesn't pray often. This is the opposite of Sam, who prays a lot, both to angels, and to Chuck directly.
But Dean never tries to contact Chuck through prayer. It's always Castiel. Because he believes, and he trusts Cas, no matter what the situation is, and Cas always shows up as soon as he possible can, ready to help however he's able.
And when they're frustrated? This is a really minor detail, and it only occasionally applies, but I've notice in a lot of scenes that when Cas or Dean are frustrated, or upset, or just generally in a bad place-
Cas will look down, and Dean will look up.
Cas looks down in frustration, because when he's in heaven, then he's looking down to earth- down to where Dean is.
And Dean looks up in grief, because he's looking up towards heaven, up to where Cas is.
And in the fanfiction episode, to name another moment, when Dean is talking to the cast, he stops on the girl who plays Castiel as he says "I want you to put as much sub into that text as you can."
And I completely believe that Jensen did that on purpose, and no one can tell me differently. Because as much as Jensen doesn't like Destiel, he is forced to acknowledge it, because it's too strong to ignore.
So Jensen plays the part, and he delivers on the subtext I need to survive. But Misha Collins embraces the Destiel, and so he gives more life to the second layer, more emotion to Castiel's subtext. And I thank him for that.
It's the small moments of Destiel that wrench at my heart, and they force me to care, and to love them together, and this damn show has wasted away my existence, and I'm not even sorry, because I've accepted that Dean and Castiel may never kiss in the entirety of Supernatural's show, but they are still completely canon to me, and that's enough.
And I just cannot imagine my life anymore without Supernatural being in it. This fandom and this ship have permanently changed me, and I'm proud of that.
And THAT, is my Destiel rant.