May 20th, 2017
Lauren has to admit; she's nervous.
In fact, she's so nervous, that everyone had been questioning her. She'd been getting lunch with Dinah and Normani in the cafeteria, and Dinah had been shooting her glances, asking her what she was so jittery for. At the question, Normani had looked up, fixing her with a suspicious stare, as if she was trying to read Lauren's mind and find out her intentions, but otherwise, her best friend had actually left her alone about it.
Even her mom starts questioning her, asking if she's okay, if she's worried about graduation and her grades, and when Lauren tells her she's nervous for her date with Camila, her mom laughs at her.
"You're nervous to go out with the girl you're already in a relationship with?" Clara asks her, laughing. "You didn't seem nervous when you took her out to that fancy place last month."
''It's just..." Lauren sighs, shaking her head. "I feel like this could make or break everything. And I just... I just want to treat her right. I want to treat her the way she deserves."
Clara smiles at her, kissing the top of her head. "I'm proud of you. No, I'm proud of me, because I raised you to be so polite and caring."
Lauren laughs, hugging her mom. "Thanks, mami. And I know I shouldn't be nervous, I just really want everything to work out. I really lo- like her."
Clara sends her a knowing smile. "Yeah, you really seem to like her a lot."
"Alright, and now you're making things worse." Lauren rolls her eyes, her phone pinging, telling her it's time to set off so she can make it to Camila's for six o'clock sharp. "I'll see you when I get home. Love you, mami."
"I love you too, Lauren," Clara says, heading into the lounge. "Have fun."
Lauren takes in her mom's words, really hoping that she will. She hopes that this won't end in tears, and even though she doesn't have to worry about this, she's still got some residual fear about being seen. She hasn't experienced being properly out, and she'd always felt that with girls, she had something to hide.
As Lauren starts to drive, she thinks about Camila, and tries to analyse everything that happened between them here. While she's thinking about it, she realises that when she didn't remember, she was everything Camila had always wanted her to be. Out and proud. Calm and patient when it came to their disagreements and fears. Brave.
Lauren wishes more than anything that she could be brave, but it's still so hard, even without the fans breathing down the back of her neck, analysing her every move.
She pulls up outside of Camila's house, and lets out a deep breath, trying to compose herself. She needs to look cool and confident. If Camila sees any kind of fear, she'll take it as a red flag. She gets out of the car and walks up Camila's driveway, knocking on the door.
She rocks on her heels as she waits for the door to open, but when it does, she puts on a confident smile and opens her mouth to greet Camila, but she can't seem to get the words out, because the girl in front of her is the most beautiful human being she's ever seen in her entire life.
Camila had curled her hair, and it's been a long time since Lauren had seen her like that. She has a simple summer dress on, but the fact that she hadn't gone all out just proves Camila's effortless beauty. She looks up at Lauren through her long eyelashes and smiles shyly. "Hey."
"Wow," is Lauren's feeble response, and when Camila laughs, she realises she'd said it out loud, and quickly backtracks, "Um, I mean, hey. Hi. Hello."
Camila laughs a little. "Hi."
"Yeah. Hey." Lauren repeats, dumbstruck and trying to remember how to function as an actual human being. "You look perfect. You are perfect. Are you... ready to go?"
Camila blushes and bites down on her bottom lip, not meeting Lauren's gaze. "Yeah, I just... can't believe this is happening. That you're my girlfriend."
After a few moments the words register, and Lauren's heart drops. Had Camila forgotten? "Um, Camz? Fifth Harmony."
Camila blinks in confusion for a second, and seems to snap back into reality. "Oh, yeah, of course. You're Fifth Harmony Lauren. I'm Fifth Harmony Camila. Well... not anymore. Because I left."
Lauren breathes out a small sigh of relief, even though she knows it's getting bad for Camila. She holds out her hand, and when Camila takes it, she beams. "Alright, come on. I promise I'm going to make you talk about whatever dumb stuff we did when we were actually seventeen, to keep you remembering."
"You forgot," Camila sullenly replies, following Lauren to the car. "No matter how much you reassured yourself. Maybe it's just an inevitability."
"Maybe it is," Lauren agrees with her, "but that doesn't mean you shouldn't at least try. But I was also alone the whole time. You have me, Lucy and Dinah. Besides... I remembered everything eventually. Maybe it'll be the same for you."
Camila just sighs, buckling herself in. "Was it like being trapped? Were you in there the whole time, but you couldn't do or say anything?"
"No. It wasn't like that." Lauren shakes her head, happy she can quell this fear, because it was one of hers. "It's like... falling asleep. I was like, vaguely aware of everything that was happening, but it was like a dream. Fuzzy and surreal. That's why I think I was influencing myself, why I think I was always me, since I was semi aware that there was something going on, but I didn't realise what."
"Oh... I guess that's not so bad." Camila sighs a little, shrugging. "I just don't want to have all of my big insecurities back. I don't want to go back to not being able to say more than two words to you."
"After all of this, I don't think that's going to happen," Lauren laughs, squeezing Camila's hand comfortingly. "Even though you won't remember why, surely you'll remember that you talked to me and nothing bad happened."
"I guess," Camila sighs dejectedly, "I'm just scared."
"I know. I've been there." Lauren says. "But you've got Dinah and I here. We'll do everything we can to help you and Lucy remember if you guys forget."
"When, at this point," Camila mumbles, "when. I don't even... I don't even remember some of the reasons I was so mad at you. I know you... you'd kiss me and then pretend like you didn't, and ignore me for weeks on end, and generally why I'm so mad, but it doesn't seem like... that bad suddenly? I don't know, this whole part of me wants to punch you, and then this other part of me feels so much for you, and I don't know which part to believe."
Lauren feels a little conflicted, because while she likes the idea of Camila forgetting that part, she knows it's hurting her. "I was scared and I fucked up. I didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and I'm trying to make that right."
"But- but I never used to be... mad?" Camila frowns down at her feet, sighing. "It's like... from what I remember, when I got here... I never hated you, I- I missed you. And I always thought that if the timing wasn't so wrong, then you would've... you would've been good for me. But then I started dating the other you, and... I don't know. I guess I just had all of this resentment towards you because I saw the way she treated me."
"But I'm still... I'm still that one, too. I've always been that one." Lauren points out, trying to get Camila to accept that it'd been her influence the entire time. It's weird, knowing that the pull she always felt towards Camila when she didn't remember was actually herself, and not some kind of fate god pointing her towards the other Latina, and she hopes that Camila can see that. "And you have a right to be mad. I would be too."
"But I wasn't," Camila is quick to insist, "I just missed you. You were with Lucy and it hurt, but I wasn't mad at you for it. I just missed you and wished we could've had something. And since being here, it's like... all of this anger bubbled up and I felt like I didn't want you, I wanted her, because I was stuck on all the bad things you did."
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip, uncertain. "But... I did... I did good stuff, too. I always defended you-"
Camila rolls her eyes. "You haven't done that for years, so fuck off with that bullshit."
The words sting, but it means Camila remembers something, so it's almost a good thing. "I- I... you don't understand. It's... hard."
"Hard to defend your bandmate?" Camila asks, and Lauren picks up on the word bandmate, not friend. "There's literally no harm in posting a tweet in my defence. You do it for the other girls."
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip, but shakes her head. "It's not that simple. The fans would blow it out of proportion and it... it scared me so much. That's why I... why I pulled away from you. Partially."
"I know I'm going to forget." Camila murmurs, squeezing her eyes shut. "So... can you just give me an explanation? A real one. About everything, before I'm even more confused than I already am."
"Is that the only reason you're doing this?" Lauren frowns at her. "You're not giving me a chance. You just want an explanation."
Camila lets out a long sigh. "It's not entirely like that."
"But it is like that," Lauren repeats, shaking her head. "You just want an explanation, which I would've given you had you asked. Don't act like you're giving me a chance when you're not. Don't fuck with my head like that."
"Oh, exactly the way you did to me?" Camila viciously replies. "Acted like you liked me and then pushed me away? Guess you know how it feels now."
Lauren pulls over, gripping the steering wheel tightly. "Just say the words and I'll turn around, drop you off at home, and never talk to you again. If that's what you want."
"I don't... want you to do that," Camila answers, "and it wasn't that I was using a date as a chance to get an explanation, just to never call you back. But I do want one. And I deserve one."
"I know." Lauren says, "and I'm going to give you one. I just wanted tonight to be... happy. I didn't want things to be tense."
Camila just sighs. "I just worry sometimes. But whatever. I'll push all of that aside and we can have a real date. I did say I'd give you a chance."
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip, but nods, hoping that Camila means what she's saying. She hopes it isn't just some kind of ploy to get an explanation, and really, she kind of wants to get it over with now that the atmosphere in the car is so tense. "Okay. But, um, speaking of us... we need to try as best as we can to keep you remembering. So... maybe we should talk about things. Good things."
Camila hums in thought, frowning like she's trying to think about something. "Maybe... when we... the break. Christmas 2012. After X Factor. When you'd actually see me during breaks. Tell me about that."
Lauren allows herself a smile; if she's being honest, she misses seeing Camila on breaks. But, she never calls her anymore, because of how distant they'd grown. She never felt like her presence would be welcomed during the only time of the year Camila really gets to be with her family.
"Well... there's that time when I'd just passed my driver's test..." Lauren starts with a smile, "and I figured I'd take you for a surprise drive along the beach. We parked and got ice cream and went for a walk and it was really... cool. It was honestly one of the moments I realised how beautiful I thought you were. At the time, it scared me, and I imagined something like... like this. Where we're not famous. Where we're just two normal teenage girls, enjoying each other's company."
"You really hated it, huh?" Camila looks over at her. "Would you still audition? If you could go back?"
"If you'd asked me a year ago, I would've said no. I wouldn't still audition." Lauren answers. "It's... it's more complicated now. I was so young when I auditioned that being in the group pretty much shaped who I am. I don't know who I'd be if I didn't audition. Besides... if I didn't, I wouldn't have met you. Or the other girls. I don't hate Fifth Harmony. I just hate fame."
Camila frowns. "All the time?"
"Most of the time," Lauren continues, "but the times I don't hate it are the times I forget about it. I think that's what drew me to Lucy initially. She was something from my past, from before I auditioned, and when I was with her, it felt like I hadn't. Like I was in that place where I was normal. I would visit her at Loyola and go to class with her and it felt like everything I could've had. It made me want nothing more than to turn back time and not audition."
"But being with me would've been a constant reminder of the fame you hated so much," Camila states, and Lauren has to admit that she has a point. "Just... can we get the explanation out of the way now? Then we can put it aside and have a nice night. But at the moment it's all I can think about."
Lauren parks outside the restaurant and if she's honest, she has to agree. She looks over at Camila and nods. "Okay. Ask me anything. I'll give you the answer."
Camila pauses for a moment. "Why'd you kiss me? That first time, on The X Factor."
"Well, I'd asked you if you'd ever been kissed, and you said no." Lauren explains, thinking back to her motivations. "I didn't want you to waste it on some guy who wouldn't appreciate you. I wanted you to have a first kiss with someone who really cared about you."
Camila raises her eyebrows. "So, it was pity?"
"At first, I thought it was," Lauren honestly replies, "or, at least, me doing you a favour. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was so scary to me, because I didn't understand why I couldn't get the way kissing you felt out of my head."
"And that's why you did it again." Camila states, frowning. "Why'd you reject me when I asked you out?"
"Because I genuinely did think I was straight." Lauren explains, because she did. She hadn't realised properly until she was seventeen, and promised herself she'd never tell anyone. "I didn't realise I wasn't until we were on the Harmonize America tour and I realised how much I... how much I liked you."
Camila fixes her with an intense stare. "You genuinely liked me? You had real feelings for me?"
I've been in love with you since I was seventeen and I don't know how to deal with it, Lauren thinks, the words stuck in the throat. She tries to say something, but she hides behind her worries, and says, "Yeah. I did."
"Did," Camila repeats, "past tense."
Lauren shrugs. "Still do."
"Why didn't you talk to me?" Camila asks. "I told you that you could. At any time."
"I might've realised that I liked girls at seventeen, but I hadn't accepted it." Lauren says. "I wasn't ready to have that conversation. Not even with myself. That was made so much worse when the fans took the... the Camren thing out of proportion. They started saying how it was obvious that I was in- that I liked you. That they'd always suspected I was into girls. I wasn't ready at all to even think about that, and being around you meant the fans pushing that onto me. That's why I started avoiding you. Besides, why would I talk to you about anything as time went on? We were barely even friends."
"But then you'd get drunk. And sneak into my bunk at night. Or... I think you did..." Camila points out, trailing off a little at the uncertainty. "Then you wouldn't talk to me about it when you were sober. You'd kiss me when you felt like it, but if I tried to talk, you pushed me away."
"I started drinking because I was... depressed. Scared. I didn't want to like girls. I just wanted to fit in. I fucking hated myself for it." Lauren sighs, resting her head against the car window. "It honestly traumatised me, how much the fans were pinning all of these labels on me. So, I started acting out. Acting repulsed by the thought of me dating girls. Dating you. Drinking so I would have the courage to kiss you."
"I told you, you could've talked to me at any time," Camila reminds her. "I promised you that."
"We drifted apart as time went on. We barely spoke outside of rehearsals and shows." Lauren points out. "Just like you felt on the outside of the group in the last year, like you couldn't talk to us. I felt like that with you. We were barely friends anymore. Sure, we had some... good moments, but we weren't friends. Just... colleagues."
"What about all the times I tried and you blew me off? Especially before the end." Camila points out. "You acted like you wanted nothing to do with me most of the time. And you stopped kissing me, right? If you still had feelings for me, why would you do that?"
"I was just... scared." Lauren sighs, shaking her head. "I would look at you, and think about kissing you. Think about everything we could've had. But I couldn't do it. And there was everything with Lucy. I started to have feelings for her too. And I fell for her. It wouldn't have been fair to either of you if I kept... doing that."
Camila just sighs. "It's the fact that you didn't talk to me about anything. One minute, you're my best friend and we kiss sometimes, then we just kiss and don't talk about anything ever, then it's like I'm nothing to you. If you just told me you had feelings for her... I would've backed off."
Lauren raises her eyebrows. "I doubt that."
Camila frowns. "Why?"
"Well, you... your reaction when you found out I was with Lucy." Lauren recalls, remembering how Camila had confronted her in one of the dressing rooms. How she'd lied to get her away, saying I can't help it that I don't love you. "I doubt you would've been okay if I'd spoken to you about it before. I know I did some fucked up things, Camz, but you're no saint."
"First of all, I don't remember ever doing that. Why would I? Lucy is my friend. I never fucked you over," Camila harshly responds. "I never used you for four years."
"No," Lauren agrees with her, "but you'd flirt with people in front of me just to make me jealous. That's fucking with their emotions. And you slept with Michael Clifford for that same reason. Either that, or you lied about it when you were loudly talking about it with Dinah on the tour bus."
"I don't remember doing that," Camila mumbles, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to remember. "I don't know if I did or not. As far as I know, my Laur- um, I mean, you were my first."
Lauren feels the familiar sting when Camila starts to say my Lauren. She knows it's going to be hard to get Camila to accept that it was her the entire time. "Um, yeah, well... like I said, I don't know if you did or not. But you were definitely talking about it as loud as you could to make me jealous. And it worked. It did hurt, to know that someone else could just take you and make you theirs. But I was too scared to do anything about it."
"Well, whatever," Camila mumbles, "I just... feel like it's getting bad right now. I don't remember a lot of the things I wrote down. I'm second guessing everything. But thank you for finally giving me an explanation."
"It's okay," Lauren answers quietly, nodding over to the restaurant. "Can we... go inside?"
Camila follows her gaze to the building, and nods. "Okay. Yeah."
Lauren gets out of the car and walks around to Camila's side, planning on opening the door for her, but the younger Latina beats her to it and gets out of the car, walking ahead of her to the restaurant. Lauren bites down on her bottom lip, ignoring that small slight, and catches up to her, carefully taking Camila's hand.
"So, um, what-"
"Oh my god," Camila turns to her suddenly, her brown eyes bright. "I've been here before! For my sixteenth birthday, actually. Well, not on my birthday, but Dinah and I came here for a birthday meal."
Lauren stares at her in shock, wondering if she'd just completely switched. "Camila... you spent your sixteenth birthday with me."
Camila's face sinks into a frown, before she looks absolutely horrified. "I don't even... I- I told you it was getting bad."
Lauren squeezes her hand comfortingly. "It's okay. I'm here to remind you."
Turns out, that doesn't help.
Lauren is increasingly worried as the night progresses. All through dinner, Camila keeps having outbursts about things she did when she was younger, but they're this Camila's memories, not Fifth Harmony Camila's. And Lauren knows that while Camila had issues with anxiety and insecurities in the past, she's at least coping with it now.
But suddenly, Camila will start stuttering, acting like she's not used to talking to Lauren, the way Lauren remembers this Camila being.
"Camila," Lauren interrupts her as Camila launches into a stuttered story behind her Halloween costume from freshman year. "These aren't your memories. And you're talking to me like I'm a new person to you. Like you don't know me. You're acting more like this universe's Camila. Not like you."
Camila blinks, like she's just woken up. "Oh. Um, yeah, that's not... not good. It's just getting so bad these last few weeks and I don't know..."
"Since I got here," Lauren finishes for her, thinking back through the way Camila had been acting their whole relationship. "Ever since I remembered again, your memory has been deteriorating. And you're getting all of these new memories. I guess that's another thing you can be mad at me for."
"Hey, no," Camila frowns at her, "this isn't your fault. I just don't understand why we're all here. And how we're... supposed to get back."
"I thought you wanted to stay here." Lauren mumbles, because from what she'd heard from Lucy and Dinah, they think Camila is too invested in all of this. "You want to stay. To be with me. Her. Whatever."
"I... not now I'm forgetting everything," Camila murmurs, shaking her head. "I just- I- I don't want to fall back into my old insecurities. I don't want to be so scared again. And- and, I mean, I want my career. I wasn't getting invested. I was just trying to be happy in case we were stuck here. But I don't know how to get back and I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was when I got here. And I'm running out of time."
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip. "Lucy thinks it might be down to you. That you have a choice to make or... or something. That it's going to come down to something, and you'll have to make a choice."
Camila sighs. "How could it be down to me if I'm forgetting who I am?"
Lauren bites down on her bottom lip, wishing she knew the answers. "I remembered again. You could too."
"Just... promise me you'll help me?" Camila asks, and Lauren nods. "Promise me that if I forget, you'll do everything you can to help me."
"I thought I already promised you," Lauren murmurs, but reaches her hand across the table and holds out her pinky. She loops it around Camila's and smiles at her. "I promise I'll do everything I can to help you remember, Camz."
Camila nods, still looking concerned, and as they leave the restaurant, she looks so scared that it makes Lauren's heart break. They get back into the car, and Camila buckles herself in, mumbling something to herself. Lauren hears Fifth Harmony, and figures she's just assuring herself.
But then, Camila turns to her and stops her from turning the key in the ignition. "Don't start the car."
"Okay," Lauren turns to her, sending her a soft smile. "What's—hmph,"
Lauren lets out a surprised squeak when Camila pulls her in for a kiss, but realises what's happening and reaches up, cupping Camila's jaw with her hands. She sucks on the younger girl's lower lip, her heart overcompensating at the way it feels to be so close to Camila, and she realises just how much she'd missed this.
Camila pulls apart from her, meeting Lauren's gaze with a small smile. "I just realised... I haven't really kissed you since you got here. Not counting that awkward little peck in front of my parents."
"So..." Lauren tries to figure out the meaning of that. "You... you want to kiss me?"
Camila bites down on her bottom lip. "You're still on probation, but... yeah. I want to kiss you."
Lauren's face breaks out into a grin, and she pulls Camila in for another kiss. Once they part, she stays close to her girl, and murmurs, "I'm going to prove you wrong," into her ear, before she kisses Camila's cheek and starts the car.
Lauren smiles to herself; she's definitely going to do things right this time.
-
next week's update might be posted either wednesday or friday bc i have alcohol related plans with a friend lol bye