"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too"
-Stevie Nicks, Landslide
-
Irish sun cascaded gently through the windows, lighting on Niall's cheeks and making him grunt and turn over. For a second, he felt like he was at home, then he remembered he was far from it. The cotton sheets were warm and felt fresh, but Zayn's warmth was missing from beside him. Niall had turned over, expecting to see his beautiful, black-haired husband patiently waiting for his good morning kiss; Zayn's face was really the only one he wanted to see so early in the morning. However, Zayn wasn't in bed next to him, which was odd, considering it was still so early. Perhaps he had gotten up for an early morning coffee; Niall lifted his head up to look around and saw the door was slightly ajar - so he had gotten up.
Try as he might, Niall knew trying to go back to sleep was useless, as the sun was shining rather bright in his face and he knew the boys would be up soon. So he reluctantly threw off the sheets and sat at the edge of the bed, not wanting to touch the cold hardwood floor with his bare feet. Gingerly he stood up and stretched, having to sit again as a huge yawn overtook him. The next thing on his mind was tea, and he was determined to get some. He slipped on some socks and quietly went out of the room, and was padding along softly when he heard a familiar voice.
Another responded, and at once Niall knew where Zayn was. He and his mother were conversing in the kitchen in quiet voices, whether it was because they were tired or because they didn't want anyone to hear them Niall didn't know. Niall leaned up against the wall of the hallway just outside the kitchen and hoped he was out of view as he began to listen in. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but envy was bubbling low in his tummy as he heard their jovial tones. They seemed to be getting along quite well, like they were old friends catching up.
It amazed Niall how well they got on - but he wished they wouldn't. Or Zayn at least. Niall had wanted to be with his mother for so long during all those difficult years, and here his husband was, talking to her as if he had known her all his life. Niall knew he wasn't being fair, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. Zayn always made everything look so easy; couldn't Niall have just this one thing to do for himself?
Unable to take it, Niall finally stepped into his mother's kitchen. Zayn grinned at the sight of his husband and tugged Niall over to his side. Niall reluctantly relaxed into him, but sweetly kissed his jawbone, the only spot he could reach from where he was at. Even when he pissed Niall off, he was still irresistible.
"I was just telling your mum I'd do some handiwork 'round here for her, put up the gutter again and fix the front garden," Zayn mumbled, smooching Niall's hair. Niall nodded and reached around Zayn to grab the kettle.
"Good," Niall responded, filling up the pot and setting it on the stove to boil. He glanced out at the kitchen window through to the craggy, rocky beaches, absently pulling out two mugs out of the cabinet. He set one out for himself and one for his mother. It was going to be hard, but he was going to have to make peace somehow; if not to repair their relationship, then at least to give him some peace of mind.
The gesture didn't go unnoticed; Maura took note of it and felt her heart warm up. Her son was trying - that's all that mattered.
-
Zayn was out on a ladder loudly hammering the gutter back on the front of the house, one of the handyman jobs he had agreed to do for his mother in law so she wouldn't have to hire someone. Zayn was good at doing odd jobs like that, and he enjoyed doing them as well. He had already fixed the banister at their home in England, repainted most of the rooms, and even dabbled a bit in the plumbing.
Maura stood on the other side, looking out at him through the front window from inside the house. The boys were outside in the yard playing under Niall's watchful eye, and Harry had fallen asleep around noon. Harry was almost Niall in every single way, except for the fact that he slept like a bear; Niall knew he had to reason to worry whether or not Zayn was going to wake Harry up if their son took after Zayn's sleeping habits.
"He likes this kind of stuff?" Maura remarked, sipping her tea.
"Yeah." Niall grunted. "He's done up most of our house, actually."
Maura smiled to herself; that might have been the first full sentence her son had said to her since he got here! She didn't say anything about it though - maybe if she did it would push him back into his shell again.
Niall became silent again, filling the air with an awkward atmosphere. If she was honest, Maura was tired of talking about all the trivial stuff. Here her son was, and even if they never had much of a relationship, she liked to think she still knew him somewhat. Then again, she knew she had caused most of the problems in his life, and if they were going to do anything about their situation, it would have to go at his pace.
Niall almost felt like he needed to leave the room; go outside, speak to his husband, take a walk, anything to get his mind off the situation at hand. The split between wanting to reconnect with his mother and wanting to hold this grudge against her for the rest of their lives was especially difficult, as his heart was telling him one thing and his head another. He would love to get to know her, but what if they started talking and there was nothing there? Would all that heartache, the tears, and long nights be a waste? He had held back so much resentment for so long, it scared him to think that this might all have been for nothing.
"Thank you for the tea this morning, love," She said softly, shifting to look at her youngest son.
Niall stood where he was, not looking her in the eye.
"Forgive me love, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you've been wanting to do this for a while."
He knew exactly what she was talking about, and although he hated to admit it, perhaps she was right. As much as he had never liked her, hated her even, Niall had always felt deep in his heart the need to reconnect with his mother. He needed the healing desperately, but had pushed it deep down inside until he couldn't feel the sharp pain anymore.
Up until now, he had everything that made him happy: his wonderful husband, three beautiful baby boys, a job that he loved, and a warm house to come home to. Not since he left Ireland and built his new life did he think of the mother who had left him as a baby.
With perfect timing, Zayn stepped in the front door, hammer and nails in hand. Squeezing Niall's hip as he went by, he put them back in the tool box under the sink, then went out quickly again to store the ladder behind the house. It was a windy and blustery day out, but apparently it wasn't too bad for Zayn, as he went out to fix the garden after a quick cup of tea. Even though he was mad at him, Niall had to laugh at his husband; someone he was so used to seeing in tattoos and piercings and that big jacket with the sheep's wool lining was out in his mother's front garden, happily planting daisies. If Niall listened hard enough, he could hear Zayn whistling under his breath.
The boys sat on their haunches in the mulch next to their father, and with his guiding hand, they helped him plant some of the flowers Zayn had picked out. For the most part, the twins got more dirt on themselves and each other than what was supposed to go on the ground, but Niall didn't have the heart to stop them. He quickly snapped a picture on his phone and tucked it back in his pocket just in time for Harry to wake up from his nap and start crying.
Maura heard him too, and gestured for Niall to stay. "I'd like to get him, if that's all right,"
Niall appreciated how she asked instead of assuming it was okay, and nodded his head yes once. That was the whole reason why he brought his children here anyway - to be with their new grandma.
Speaking of his boys, Liam and Louis came stumbling in through the door, disrupting Niall's thoughts. They saw him and made a beeline for Niall, but he stopped them before they tracked their muddy shoes all through the house.
"Hey, shoes off, please boys! Don't you go and get your nan's carpet all dirty!" He scolded. Liam toed his off, but Louis had double knotted his laces and couldn't get them off. Niall stooped to help him, then kissed his head and sent him away when they came off.
The boys had also dropped their coats and hats where they pleased, and Niall 'tsk'ed as he picked them up, reminding himself to talk to them about that later. Standing up, Zayn caught his eye. He stood casually leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed, all cool in his denim jacket. There was mulch on his hands, knees, face, and somehow imbedded in his hair. However angry and jealous Niall might have been that morning, he couldn't help but to reach up and cup his handsome husband's scruffy cheek. He brushed some dirt away with his thumb and gently tilted Zayn's head to kiss him softly on the apple of his cheek. He could feel Zayn blushing warm underneath his hand, and smiled as Zayn tugged a violet out of his back pocket.
Niall rolled the stem between his fingers. How could he be mad at Zayn now? "I bet you do this to all the boys,"
Zayn smiled that smile he reserved for only Niall and tugged him closer by his belt loops. "Nah, baby. Only the blue-eyed, brunette ones,"
Niall hummed and leaned in close to kiss him again. Zayn made him beyond mad sometimes, but he knew he had never loved anyone as much as he had loved Zayn. They kissed again, this time a little more chastely, and Zayn was on his way out the door again to get the paint from the garage when Maura appeared again, this time with a drowsy baby in her arms. She smiled, gently rocking her grandson back and forth.
Harry seemed to love her. At this, Niall could feel the jealousy bubbling up again. Even his own baby loved his mother! Why couldn't he? Why was something he had wanted all his life so hard for him to get, now that it was finally within his reach?
"So are we not gonna talk about it?" He shrugged, his voice coming out more pissed off than he thought.
Maura stayed quiet, which was a better option than speaking, or at least so she thought.
"Well?" Niall was getting angry, in that quiet way he sometimes got when he was beyond mad. No explosions, no yelling. Just all his feelings concentrated into an icy cerulean stare.
-
"It's going just as well as it can do, I guess," Niall let out and moved his phone to his other ear.
"Oh, Nialler," Greg sighed, sounding distant through the receiver. "I'm sorry."
It should have been a relief to hear those words come out of his brother's mouth - it wasn't. "No, don't be sorry," Niall lied. "It's all right. I had to come to terms with it soon, so why not now, I guess."
"The kids all right with her? Zayn?" Greg deftly made a smart choice and tried to change topics.
"Kids love her. Zayn and her get on real well, too. Wish I could say the same for both, to be completely fuckin' honest." Niall sniffled and shamelessly wiped his nose with his sleeve, then coughed to hide it. He was not going to be upset about her, about this whole stupid thing, not now.
"Listen, I know this is hard for you,"
Niall almost stopped him there; he had no idea what it was like! His relationship with their mother was fine! Niall rolled his eyes and tried not to hang up on him.
"But it's difficult for her too! She misses you, Niall. She is trying, you must know that."
Niall huffed and rubbed his hand over his face. "I don't know, Greg. Dunno. Sure doesn't seem like she is, anyway."
"How can she when you won't let her?"
Niall opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. Niall blamed her for everything; for leaving him, for handing him over to his monster of a grandfather, for almost every aspect of the past twenty odd years of his life. Niall could almost taste the victory in telling her so. He absolutely revelled in the feeling.
But, as much as he also hated his brother for doing the same things, Niall realised somewhere deep down in his heart that he was right, and that he would have to come to terms with it sooner or later.
-
Everyone had gone to bed already, but Niall was restless. The world seemed so against him! No one sided with him, and that hurt.
"I think she really wants to fix this, love!" Zayn reasoned, dropping his hands to his sides in defeat.
Jealousy and anger, mixed with confusion and a little hurt bubbled low in Niall's stomach again. Wasn't his husband supposed to agree with him? Zayn was generally a smart man, but what he said only infuriated Niall more, his words falling in deaf ears.
"I really don't think so, Zayn!" Niall spat, trying to keep his voice down as the kids were only asleep next door. He could himself going red; he was hot, flustered, and felt more alone than he had in a few days.
"Right, sorry for bringing you here then!" Zayn scoffed, and immediately regretted the words the instant they came out.
"I thought you would be on my side!" Niall confessed, a sob sneakily making its way out.
"Niall, I am on your side here! You're just not seeing reason!"
"No! You're not on my side, because you don't know what it's like for me! You had your mum all your life! I had nothing!" Niall scrubbed his face with his hands and turned so he wouldn't cry in front of his husband.
Zayn could hear both their hearts breaking right in two. Slowly, gently, he reached out a hand towards Niall. He could see Niall's hands over his splotchy face and his tiny shoulders shaking with each fresh wave of tears. "Niall, I'm-"
"I'm sorry."
Zayn reeled him in by his shoulder, gently guiding Niall's head into his neck and shushing him in the most comforting way. "No baby, don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault."
"Z, I didn't mean it. What I said." Niall whispered. "You're right, you're always right, and I know you are too but I've been hurting for so long and I just want her to see it, to feel even the tiniest bit of what I've been through because of her! I want her to know how much I hated everything for the longest time, all because of her!"
"I'm sorry too, my love. I never meant what I said either. Any of it." Zayn apologised and stroked his hair like he would whenever one of their boys was upset. "I love you so much, baby. It just hurts me to see you in so much pain, all I wanna do is help you out of it, but I guess I never realised that I was hurting you too. That was never my intention. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel alone. I love you so much, sweetheart, and I'm sorry."
Niall let one of those after tears shudders roll through. Zayn kissed his forehead and left it there, and every single ounce of jealousy rolled away. Niall kissed him hard, and lay his head back down on Zayn's shoulder. "Thank you for loving me through the hard times. I love you. More than anything in this world, Zayn Malik, I love you."
-
wowza sorry for the wait, it's been a rough few months!!! the ending took me a while but i think it's pretty good! also, psa : how would y'all like it if i brought back the christmas one shots i only posted some of like two years ago (i'll probably do them regardless of what anyone says)?? if i did, that probably means there wouldn't be a december update for this book though :/ lmk what you thiiiiiink
02.12.18